Is It Normal To Feel Lonely In Marriage?

By BetterHelp Editorial Team|Updated July 10, 2022

Being married is something that was supposed to fill you with joy, but you haven’t felt happy in quite some time. Many people who are going through relationship difficulties note that they are feeling lonely. It’s possible that you might not be as close to your spouse now as you were before you got married. There are many reasons for this and it’s possible that things can change for the better. Is it normal to feel lonely in marriage? It isn’t necessarily normal, but it isn’t uncommon for people to feel this way when there are issues in the marriage that need to be addressed. Keep reading to learn more about loneliness in marriage and what you can do to try to turn things around.

Scared to Tell Your Spouse You Feel Lonely? Therapy Can Help

Why Would a Married Person Feel Lonely?

You wouldn’t expect someone who is married to feel lonely being that they have someone else living with them. However, loneliness in marriage is a bit more common than you might think. You see, it isn’t unusual for couples to spend less time together as the years go by. This happens for a variety of different reasons. Some marriages become less close due to the busy nature of being a parent and other problems might occur due to people being focused more on career goals. Either way, the loneliness in the marriage is often caused by some type of distance.

If you’re feeling lonely right now, then it could be because you aren’t getting much attention from your spouse. This is something that you can try to work on together if you’re willing to talk things out. There are many situations where one spouse gets so wrapped up in other aspects of life and doesn’t realize that the marriage is being affected. A lonely marriage can be remedied if both parties want to take the time to fix things. But you’re going to have to talk about things first.

Talking About How You’re Feeling

Talking about how you’re feeling is going to be the first necessary step toward fixing your lonely marriage. Do you sense that there is a distance between you and your spouse now? If so, then you need to find the courage to ask about things and tell your spouse how you’re feeling. Getting the best results out of this conversation is going to involve approaching things carefully. You shouldn’t try to accuse your spouse of anything without proof and you should also not approach this from an angry perspective. Be genuine and let your spouse know that you’re feeling lonely because you sense a distance in your marriage.

If your spouse cares about you, then they’re going to be more than willing to talk about what is going on. Sometimes you’ll encounter situations where your spouse will be completely oblivious to the fact that things have changed. A conversation like this could be an eye-opening situation for both of you if you have the right conversation. This is about being honest with each other while also being respectful. As long as nothing bad has happened in your marriage that has caused this distance, then you should be able to work on making necessary changes.

Infidelity Changes Things

It’s hard to move on with this conversation without addressing the fact that infidelity is sometimes the cause of these marriage issues. The distance in your marriage could be due to your spouse cheating on you or vice versa. It’s best not to jump to conclusions, though, as mentioned above. You should never accuse someone of something for no reason and this would be a harmful accusation to make. However, if your spouse does admit that they have not been loyal, it’s going to change things in your marriage. Lonely marriages aren’t necessarily caused by cheating spouses, but this is sometimes the case. Some marriages have been able to survive infidelity and others have not. You have to decide for yourself whether or not you’re going to want to move forward with your spouse if something like this happened or if you just want to move on with your life.

Work Obligations

Are you married to a workaholic? You might be surprised by how many marriages struggle due to one person in the marriage putting all of their time into work. Your spouse might be working long hours and will not feel like doing much of anything when they’re at home. This is definitely going to cause you to feel lonelier than usual and it can be tough to figure out what to do to fix this. Having a career is important and having a good work ethic is certainly admirable. However, working yourself to the point of exhaustion might not be the healthiest thing.

You might need to talk to your spouse about this to see what can be done to change things. Some married couples have been able to work out schedule changes to make things easier to deal with. Others have even discussed career changes or contract changes that will open up the door to work fewer hours. If you’re the one who works all the time, then you have to recognize that you’re likely causing some of these issues yourself. Be ready for self-assessment and then talk to your spouse to figure out how to move forward together.

Being Parents

Being parents can also cause loneliness in your marriage. You might spend a lot of time taking care of your kids and very little time focusing on each other. Do you find that in your marriage parenting comes before everything else? It’s good that you’re committed to being good parents, but you can’t forget about your relationship. The loneliness that you feel could be a sort of longing for simpler times when you were able to enjoy a bit of romance and levity. These days don’t have to be gone from your life just because being a parent is important to you. In fact, it’s going to be healthy for you to try to spend some time away from the kids when it’s possible to do so.

Your marriage might just need a little bit of romance and fun to make things feel normal again. Sometimes in your marriage parenting is going to take priority over your romantic needs. You need to have romance and love in your life to have a happy marriage. The solution to this is to take time out for each other and to enjoy intimate moments when you can. If you can schedule dates every month, then this could help you to get rid of the doubts that you have been having. See if a family friend can watch the kids for the weekend or hire a babysitter. This will give you a chance to get back to basics and learn to start enjoying each other again.

Scared to Tell Your Spouse You Feel Lonely? Therapy Can Help

Talk to Each Other at the End of the Day

Even just talking to each other on a regular basis could be enough to fix loneliness issues. A lonely marriage is going to be tough to fix if you don’t talk on a regular basis. Even if you’re tired in the evening, it’s going to be positive to spend time telling each other about your daily events. You’ll be able to feel more connected and it can help to take a genuine interest in your spouse’s passions, too. Talk about hobbies, favorite shows, and other things besides work. You’ll start to feel more connected again if you stop living like two strangers and start talking.

There are many applications available in your phone’s app store that can help you and your partner become more talkative. An application may suggest new topics and make it easier to initiate discussions or give you prompts to learn new information about your partner that you didn’t know before.

Sex Life

Lonely people might feel the way that they do because of a lack of sex as well. Your sex life is going to evolve over time when you’re married to someone. You can’t necessarily expect things to be the exact same way that they were before you were married and had kids. Finding the time for sex isn’t necessarily as easy now and you also have to get up for work in the morning. Life responsibilities can get in the way of sexual satisfaction, but you can still make things work even if you’re a busy individual. You just need to be willing to put in the effort.

Try to make more time for sex and do what you can to make it enjoyable for both you and your spouse. Even just a little bit of time for intimate moments will be a step in the right direction. Couples who spend time showing affection are more likely to be happy than those who don’t bother. Kiss each other, cuddle on the couch, share your feelings, and try to have sex when you’re both in the mood. It might not be practical to create a sex schedule, but it can be good to try to plan some alone time together in the evening at least. You can fix your lonely marriage by focusing on practical ways to connect with each other again.

Sometimes a lonely marriage can be fixed by figuring out how to make things more fun in the bedroom, too. Complacency in your sex life can lead to things being too routine. You might only have sex from one position and it might seem to be very procedural. This is not gratifying and no one wants to have a predictable and bland sex life. Changing things up could turn your lonely marriage into a more exciting one before you know it.

Find a Therapist

It might be helpful to find a therapist if you feel that your marriage could use a little extra help. Your lonely marriage might benefit greatly from having a professional to go over everything. They can help you to learn to communicate better and you can address any issues that are holding your marriage back. It might take time to get through difficult marriage problems, but you can do it if you’re committed to each other and willing to do things the right way.

Some couples will be interested in pursuing traditional therapy at an office. Others might like the increased privacy of online therapy. Online therapy is very convenient and affordable, but both therapy options will be great. You can get the help that you need and you’ll never have to feel like your issues are insurmountable. A little bit of support might be just what you needed to make your marriage feel strong and close once more.

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