What To Do If You’re In Love With Your Best Friend
A best friend is usually someone you know very well and spend a lot of time with. It’s not uncommon to experience feelings of love and affection for them—but what do you do when these feelings start to veer into romantic territory? Being in love with your best friend can be stressful, and you may not be sure how to proceed. Here’s how to navigate it.
The difference between platonic friendship and romantic love
Human relationships and emotions can be very complex. Trying to assign labels to the way you feel about someone may be difficult. It’s not an exact science, either; there’s no mathematical formula you can work out or test you can take to find out for sure what you feel about someone or why. That said, there are a few signs you can look out for to help you tell the difference between platonic and romantic love.
- Different levels or types of physical intimacy. How much romantic or sexual attraction people feel towards others (if any) can vary depending on the person. In general, however, romantic relationships are often characterized by a certain level of physical intimacy—and platonic relationships usually are not to the same degree. Romantic couples are more likely to have a level of chemistry that leads to a physical relationship. While platonic friends commonly show affection, such as hugs or pats on the back, it’s usually uncommon for there to be more between them (like a sexual relationship). If you find yourself wanting more than platonic physical affection with your friend, it could be an indication that your love for them is more than platonic.
- Different time commitments. A common sign of being romantically interested in someone is wanting to spend all your time with them—more time than you typically spend with your friends. Plus, friendships and romantic relationships may require different time investments in order to thrive. While many friends can pick up right where they left off even after months or years apart, romantic relationships often require more significant, regular time together.
- Different expectations. People may have all different types of expectations for different types of relationships. In general, though, many romantic relationships meet certain milestones and escalate over time in ways that a platonic friendship would not. For example, two people who are romantically involved might progress to things like moving in together, adopting a pet, having a child, or getting married as time goes on.
How to tell if you’re in love with your friend
It can be tricky to put a specific label on what you feel for another person. But if you suspect you may be in love with your friend, these signs may help you confirm your feelings so you can decide what to do next. You might be in love with your best friend if:
- You dream of your future together. You may find yourself regularly engaged in a vivid fantasy about what your life together could look like. You might imagine progressing through traditional romantic milestones with them—perhaps even envisioning them breaking up with their significant other for you. These thoughts may come up often, and you might feel upset at the thought that they may not happen.
- You want to spend all your time together. Best friends often spend lots of time together, too. But research has found that the cognitive components of romantic love include “intrusive thinking or preoccupation with the partner” and “a state of intense longing for union with another.” These qualities often manifest as wanting to spend as much time as possible with them.
- You feel jealous. Feelings of jealousy can bubble up to the surface even in a friendly relationship. Nobody likes rejection, so a good friend choosing to spend much of their time with someone else instead of you can invoke feelings of jealousy. However, the jealousy you might feel when you’re in love with your best friend and they start spending time with someone else or even dating someone else are often stronger.
One study found a correlation between jealousy and romantic love, so feeling intense or frequent jealousy could indicate that your feelings for your friend are more than platonic.
- You compare all your dates or romantic partners to them. If you’re in love with your friend, you may have difficulty finding a romantic partner who measures up to them. This could even lead to a pattern of sabotaging or otherwise ending your own romantic relationships because you’re consciously or unconsciously fixated on the idea of a relationship with your friend instead.
Deciding if you should tell your friend you’re in love with them
If you’ve examined your feelings and believe you’re in love with your friend, the next step is deciding what to do. As with so many things in life, there are potential pros and cons associated with either choice you might make. If you decide to be honest and communicate to your friend that you’re in love with them, you risk rejection if they don’t feel the same way. You could feel awkward around each other, and you may even find it too painful to continue spending time with them. Even if they do feel the same way about falling in love with your best friend, any relationship you enter into has the potential to not work out. In this case, you could risk losing a friendship you cherish. Of course, things could always go your way. Your friend may tell you that they feel the same way, and you could end up in the romantic relationship you’ve been dreaming of.
So how do you decide what to do? You can ask yourself questions like: "Do I love my best friend as a friend or is this feeling romantic?" Spending some time alone to sort out your true feelings and motivations could be a good first step. Think about what you really want, and what risks you may be willing to run if things don’t go how you expect. It might also be worthwhile to seek the advice of someone you trust. Other friends and relatives may be able to offer a perspective you hadn’t thought of yet. You might also find it useful to speak with a therapist. They can help you sort through your emotions and think rationally about your options. If you’re experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression when it comes to your relationships, they can also help you uncover tools and strategies to deal with them.
Finding a therapist to guide you through relationship challenges
Online therapy has become an increasingly popular option for those who want to pursue the guidance of a trained counselor from the comfort of their own home. Online therapy services like BetterHelp will match you with a therapist who can provide you with the support you may need. Since research suggests that virtual therapy can be an equally impactful alternative to in-person sessions, connecting with a counselor online can help those who would like assistance in navigating their emotions or interpersonal relationships.
Deciding whether to tell your friend that you’re in love with them can be a difficult choice. Only you can decide what’s best for your situation, but confiding in a trusted friend or a trained therapist can be a helpful way to weigh your options. If you’re considering pursuing online therapy to help you through this experience, check out the reviews below of BetterHelp counselors who have helped people in similar situations.
Counselor reviews
"Emilie is very helpful. She healed my mental problem and I changed my mindset a lot during the counseling. I learned how to process my emotions much better than before."
"Lauren is a wonderful and supportive counselor. She helped me create specific goals for myself to improve my outlook when my job and personal life were overwhelming. She encouraged me to find time for myself daily. She also offered outside resources like books and blogs as a way to deepen my understanding of myself and my relationships. I really enjoy her sunny demeanor and her wonderfully positive attitude. I can't say enough good things about how I feel after we have our weekly chats!"
What should you do if you love your friend?
If you feel like you love your friend as more than a friend, perhaps hoping that the relationship becomes romantic, you may want to begin by taking some time to examine your feelings thoroughly. The friends-to-lovers pathway is common and often a great way to start a new relationship if both potential partners are on the same page. Before discussing your feelings with your friend, you should consider how likely it is that they feel the same way.
Arguably, the biggest risk when you love your friend is allowing those feelings to disrupt the friendship. If you think there is a good chance your friend wants to take the relationship to the next level, discuss your feelings with them openly and honestly. However, if you aren’t certain that your feelings will be reciprocated, consider how discussing your feelings could impact the friendship. While many friendships can recover from unrequited feelings with little awkwardness or drama, it is possible that unreturned romantic feelings could introduce instability between friends.
Can you love a friend platonically?
You can love a friend platonically. In fact, the term “platonic love” is often used to refer to non-romantic love, most often between friends. The term is derived from Plato’s account of love in his Symposium. In everyday conversation, platonic love typically refers to a robust and affectionate relationship between humans that does not contain sexual intercourse. However, the lines between sex, love, and friendship are becoming increasingly blurred in society. Today, it is common to hear people refer to “platonic love” as love for friends, even if those relationships are sometimes sexual, such as in “friends with benefits” relationships.
Is it okay to say you love your friend?
It is okay to say you love your friend as long as you and they are comfortable expressing affection that way. It is becoming more common for friends to speak about loving one another, typically referring to non-romantic love. In the past, it was less common to hear outright expressions of affection in reference to friends.
Today, overt expressions of affection and love are much more common, and discussing that you love your friend will likely be well-received as long as you are referring to non-romantic love. In contrast, romantic love should be deeply assessed, and you should strongly consider discussing your feelings through honest conversation.
Can platonic love turn into romantic love?
Platonic love can turn into romantic love, and romantic relationships often begin that way. It is important to remember that the conversion from platonic love to romantic love is not guaranteed; both potential partners must show similar feelings for one another. If one person has feelings for the other, but the other person does not return those feelings, it is referred to as unrequited love.
Unrequited love can be emotionally distressing for the person experiencing it and can potentially harm a friendship, even if it is already strong. One of the best ways to avoid problems associated with unrequited love is to deeply consider how the other person will respond to a romantic advance. If the two potential partners are good friends, it's possible that both have romantic feelings and even if they don’t, it’s possible the friendship can be maintained through honest conversation and acceptance.
Should I tell my friend I have feelings for them?
Before telling your friend you have feelings for them, take time to strongly consider your own feelings and what their response might be. It’s likely important to know what your heart is telling you and why. For example, if your feelings for your friend developed shortly after you left a romantic relationship, your feelings could be related to the effects of a breakup, such as desiring a rebound relationship. While rebounds aren’t necessarily a bad thing, it is likely that your friend may not be the best target for such an endeavor.
If you feel confident in your understanding of your feelings, you should consider how your friend might react when you show your feelings for them. If you think it's a long shot that they will want to take things to a romantic level, you may want to consider working to manage your unrequited love rather than risk harming the friendship. If, on the other hand, you think they might be receptive, consider asking for honest conversation to talk about your feelings.
How do you know you are falling in love with your best friend?
Love is a unique experience for everybody, and researchers are still working to understand how love works on the biological, psychological, and sociological levels. One recent model, the quadruple framework of love, offers some clues regarding what common themes might underlie the behavior of a person who is falling - or has already fallen - in love with a friend. It describes four factors of love, outlined below:
- Attraction. Physical attributes, personality, wealth, social value, and other factors can all make someone seem attractive. Attraction promotes behaviors like passion, intimacy, and commitment. If you’re attracted to your best friend, it may be part of developing romantic feelings.
- Connection. Two people often resonate when they have similar views, have positive common experiences, and do new things together. A sense of connection often drives people to spend more time together, and it can be distressing to be away from someone once love for them develops.
- Trust. Considering someone to be reliable, trustworthy, and consistent is likely an important part of healthy love. Trust is often already present between best friends, likely making it easier to transition to romantic love.
- Respect. Like trust, respect is often foundational to a strong friendship. If you feel a lot of respect for your best friend and feel equally respected by them, it may be a good foundation for romance.
While the quadruple framework is designed to conceptualize romantic love, many of the features present in romantic love are also part of platonic love - love between friends. You may want to consider paying close attention to feelings of attraction and a desire to be close to your best friend that goes beyond other friendships you have. While best friends are usually very close, attraction is usually not present.
Is it normal for best friends to kiss?
Describing what is “normal” between friends is becoming challenging as the lines between romantic and platonic relationships become increasingly blurred. Friends sometimes engage in physical expressions of love, including hugs, kisses, or sex. Many friends elect to engage in sexual relationships that are based on attraction but not necessarily on romantic feelings. In modern contexts, it is likely possible that the reverse is true. Best friends might kiss or engage in physical displays of affection that do not amount to romantic attraction. Kissing is likely normal and harmless as long as both best friends are comfortable with it.
Can you be emotionally attracted to a friend?
Yes, it is possible to be emotionally attracted to a friend. Platonic love, or love without physical attraction, is often used to frame the love that occurs between friends. An emotional attraction might include elements of trust, respect, kindness, empathy, and desire to support. One could argue that being “emotionally attracted” to someone means they want a strong, solid friendship. If someone desires a physical relationship or feels attraction based on other factors, they are more likely to desire a romantic relationship. Of course, it is still possible to desire a romantic relationship without experiencing physical attraction, as is the case for many people who identify as asexual.
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