Lied In Love: What To Do When Someone Lies To You In A Relationship

By Stephanie Kirby|Updated June 15, 2022
CheckedMedically Reviewed By Laura Angers, NCC, LPC

Has Your Partner Lied In A Relationship? Seek Relationship Help Here

Lying may be considered as a form of deception. When someone deceives in a relationship, someone creates the opportunity for others to get hurt. You've probably heard the saying "a little white lie never hurt anyone." That statement itself could be considered a lie. It can also be a dangerous belief to have when it comes to love. Even small white lies can ruin a relationship. And yet many couples are living with serious lies between them.

A couple frowns after arguing about someone lying in a relationship. When someone lies in a relationship, does this mean they've lied before in the relationship?

Why People Lie In Relationships

When you think of someone lying to you, you mostly likely are going to think they are doing it either to hurt you or to be mean. But, in reality, some people are lying because they are too afraid. They don't want to face the consequences of an action that they either took or did not take.

When it comes to love and lies it's usually that people don't want to lose what they have. They may have done or said something that will make the other person mad or hurt. They might not want the other to experience that pain, or selfishly they may not want to experience it themselves. It seems easier at the time to just lie instead of accepting the natural consequence that they have coming to them.

Lying In Relationships Is More Common Than You May Think

You probably don't want to hear this, but lying is more common than you think. In fact, many people don't even count some of their lies as lies. They come up with different things to call it, like stretching the truth, to make it sound better. But they are still lying.

Here are some of the common lies that are often told in relationships:

  • I'll be ready in 5 minutes.
  • The game is almost over.
  • I'm fine (when they are not).
  • The jacket was only $40.

You get the point. Lots of "little" lies are told on a regular basis in relationships. Some of these are told to try to spare the feelings of the other person, and some are told just to make life a little easier on themselves. These little lies can eventually cause a problem, but big lies can cause an even greater issue.

what to do when someone lies to you in a relationship

The Big Lies That Are Told

Many big lies are told in love relationships. These could be lying about the number of people that you have had sex with or lying about your faithfulness. People lie about where they are, where they weren't, who they talked to, what their past was like, or what they want in the future. Some lie and say that they are in love with the other when they know that they are not. These bigger lies are not told to protect the person that they are told to, but the person who is lying is doing it to protect themselves. Lying is selfish.

Why Love And Lies Cannot Co-Exist Successfully

Love is built on trust, plain and simple. If you are in a love relationship, it is because you trust the other person. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone if you do not trust them. You will always be suspicious and believing that you are being lied to, and it will drive a wedge in between you. Lying to your significant other can lead to the following:

You Begin To Pull Away

The odd thing is that if you are the one that is getting away with lying, you also become the one that starts to pull away more. You know that there are things you are hiding from the person that you supposedly love. When you hide things, you begin to realize that the person does not know you. Part of having a loving relationship is being understood and loved for who you are. But if you are lying and you know that the other person no longer knows you, then you are going to withdraw even further from the relationship.

You Feel Guilty And Ashamed

Some people know that they are doing wrong when they lie. They don't even attempt to justify it because they just know that the behavior was wrong. When this happens, if you continue to hide the lie, you will begin to live in guilt and shame. This will cause you to withdraw from the relationship for several reasons. First, you feel so bad about what you are doing that it's hard to face the other person. Secondly, you are ashamed and afraid of being caught in your life. You don't want to ruin the relationship because you understand the gravity of what you have done.

You Start To Trust The Other Person Less

When you know that you are lying to the other person and they don't realize it, you subconsciously realize how easy it is to get away with a lie. That causes you to start thinking that they are lying to you as well. So, even though they have given you no reason to believe that they are lying to you, you still start to believe that they are. You project your actions on them. This can make you jealous more often, overreact to harmless situations, and allow your anger and doubt to cause constant arguments.

When you begin to do this, your significant other is going to be extremely confused. They won't understand why you are questioning them so much and behaving the way you are. But you still won't believe them.

You Are Caught In Your Lies

You may feel that the lies you are telling aren't that big of a deal, but your partner will not feel the same way when they find out about it. No matter how much you think you are going to be able to get away with, lies always end up surfacing.

Can Relationships Recover From Lies?

Love and lies do not mix, but that does not mean that dishonesty can't be recovered from. It is possible for a relationship to be restored, but it is not an easy or a fast process. The level of difficulty that it will take to correct the situation depends largely on the extent of the lies that have been told. The consequences and recovery of lying about being unfaithful are going to be far different than lying about whether dinner tasted good or not.

What To Do When Someone Lies To You In A Relationship (Or When You're The One Lying):

  1. Stop The Lies

Things will never improve if you continue to lie. Instead, you need to commit to yourself that you are not going to lie anymore and then you need to follow through.

  1. Confront The Lies In The Relationship And Come Clean

Many people want to skip this step. They want to stop telling future lies and start behaving better without having to come clean on the lies that they have told in the past. However, if you don't admit them to your partner, your relationship will continue to feel like there is something between you, and that's a reason love and lies don't exist with each other.

  1. Ask For Forgiveness

Admitting the lies that you have told is not the only thing that you need to do in order to correct the situation. You always need to ask for forgiveness. Do not make excuses for yourself. Simply admit what you did wrong, show your remorse, show that your behavior is changing, and ask for forgiveness.

  1. Be Ready And Willing To Confront Your Consequences

There will be consequences for your lies. If what you were lying about is big enough, like cheating on your spouse, your consequence could be that you want a divorce. Whatever it is that you lied about, it's going to take work to fix if it's possible at all. The best way to show that you are sincerely sorry is to take the consequences and handle them well. Show your partner empathy. Allow them to express how hurt, frustrated, angry, and sad they are because of you.

  1. Ask What Would Make Them Comfortable

Love and trust go together naturally. If you break the trust in your relationship, it's your job to ask your significant other what you need to do in order to start working on gaining their trust back. This is not something that you can decide for them and it's not something that you should give them any hassle about. Instead, if you want to show that you are willing to do whatever it takes you need to communicate that and then follow through on it.

  1. If Your Partner Is The One Who Lied - Get Help

This is extremely important if you've caught your partner lying to you consistently. If you're in this situation, you may find yourself wondering, "What to do when someone lies to you in a relationship?" Studies have shown that online therapy can be helpful for people experiencing difficult emotions arising out of their relationship, such as a lack of trust or problems with dishonesty. For example, in a study published in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, researchers examined the benefits of online therapy for distressed couples. They found that therapy administered through online platforms—including educational tools, couples counseling, and other resources—was useful in creating greater relationship satisfaction, in addition to facilitating better communication. The report also mentions the potential benefits for individual mental health, which can often lead to better relationship functioning. These findings are in line with an increasingly large body of research pointing to online therapy as an effective method for managing emotions related to a wide range of mental health issues.

As discussed above, if you or your partner are experiencing issues with dishonesty, online therapy can help you reestablish trust. With BetterHelp, you can attend therapy sessions from the comfort of your home (or wherever you get an internet connection)—via live chat, messaging, voice call, or videoconferencing. Also, the messaging feature allows you both to go back into previous discussions you’ve had with your therapist, so that you don’t forget valuable information. The licensed counselors at BetterHelp have assisted thousands of people in overcoming rough patches in their relationships. Read below for counselor reviews, from those who have experienced similar issues.

Counselor Reviews

“Having Krysten as an active sounding board has improved my relationships with my partner and friends. The messaging is also a very helpful way for communicating. It is like having a journal that answers back with new ways to look at things. The messaging also allows the sessions to be more impactful, because we have already moved the dial before going into them.”

“A year ago I was experiencing difficulties in my relationship, which highly affected my psychological state and interfered with my work. At one point, I decided to try My counselor Dr. Brewer helped me to see some things I couldn't on my own and encouraged me to prioritize myself. It was a huge help for me at that point, which led to the decisions I am happy about.”

When Someone Lies In A Relationship, Can The Relationship Heal? Conclusion

If you’ve lied in your relationship, there is most likely some underlying issues that you need to address in your life. It can be hard for you to spot what this is on your own, but talking to a therapist can help you get to the bottom of it. It's also a good idea to work through couples counseling together to help your relationship as you recover from the hurt, distrust, and anger, that is present.

Helpful mental health resources delivered to your inbox
For Additional Help & Support With Your Concerns
Speak with a Licensed Therapist
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.