Love Vs. Manipulation: How To Spot Red Flag
The desire to find true love can be deeply entrenched in many of us—so much so that some people may go to any lengths to get it. Manipulation can be a common tactic that someone may employ to entice or maintain a romantic relationship. When you’re being manipulated, you may experience feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt. It’s possible you may begin to question yourself and your reality. You may also feel that there are always strings attached when your partner does something nice for you. Healthy love often feels honest and free, while manipulation generally feels confusing and involves an element of control. For professional guidance regarding questions about manipulation, it can be helpful to schedule a session with an online therapist.
What is manipulation?
“Manipulation is an emotionally unhealthy psychological strategy used by people who are incapable of asking for what they want and need in a direct way,” says Sharie Stines, a California-based therapist who specializes in abuse and toxic relationships.
In an article published by Time Magazine, Stines describes several feelings that tend to arise when you are being manipulated. An underlying suspicion that you are being pressured or controlled is typically a good indicator. While it can be fairly easy to spot manipulation tactics used by an obtrusive salesperson, it can be far more difficult to recognize when a partner may be using similar methods.
A number of thoughts and feelings may persist in a situation where you are being manipulated. These feelings may include, but are not limited to:
Feelings of fear, obligation, or guilt
Manipulation is usually employed by a person who wants to get you to do something you don’t necessarily want to do. In this sense, a manipulator may take the role of the “bully” or the “victim.”
A manipulator acting as a “bully” might use aggression, threats, or intimidation. For example, they may threaten to leave or take something of value to you if you do not do as they say.
A manipulator acting as a “victim” can attempt to make you feel like you are the reason behind their pain simply by not doing what they want. This can present in the form of exaggerating their emotional pain or imposing excessive feelings of guilt onto you.
Feeling “crazy” or constantly questioning yourself
A manipulator often employs tactics that force the people around them to question their reality. This can be commonly referred to as “gaslighting.” Gaslighting is typically defined as a form of emotional abuse used to coax a person into no longer trusting their own reality. A person who is gaslit may function solely based on perceptions and realities the manipulator has created.
Gaslighting tends to happen gradually over time. Someone who gaslights you may also attempt to isolate you from friends or loved ones. A lack of input from outsiders can help the manipulator convince you that only their perception of reality is dependable.
Feeling that there are always strings attached
Though the nature of doing favors or good deeds is often thought of as kind and honest, a manipulator tends to use this to their advantage. While reciprocation can be a necessary part of any healthy relationship, the feeling that someone is only doing favors for you to get something in return is typically a good indicator of manipulation.
Typically, this manipulative behavior will present as a pattern and may worsen over time. If you feel a sense of dread or anxiety when your partner does something kind for you, it’s most likely because you are aware that they will now follow this up with a demand or become disappointed when you don’t reciprocate in the way they expected.
It can be important to note that many of these behaviors in a romantic relationship may indicate or lead to emotional or physical abuse. If you or a loved one is experiencing domestic violence or abuse, there is help available.
Healthy love vs. manipulation
In a medically reviewed piece published by the HuffPost, clinical psychologist Dr. Sherrie Campbell goes over some of the most apparent differences between healthy love and manipulation.
Healthy love is usually clear, while manipulation can be confusing
Healthy love may have disagreements, where manipulation often leads to fights
It can be perfectly natural to disagree upon things with a partner. Even the healthiest of couples can go through difficult times, but typically these difficulties can be handled with a level of love and composure. In a manipulative partnership, otherwise small disagreements may turn into full-blown yelling matches resulting in harsh words being said or ongoing silent treatment. Again, where disagreements can be common, frequent full-blown arguments generally should not be.
Healthy love is normally honest, while manipulation can be hypocritical
A healthy relationship typically requires both parties to take accountability when wrong. Where a healthy relationship may have open and honest communication about the various challenges of a relationship, a manipulator will usually refuse to admit wrongdoing.
Along with a lack of accountability, someone that is manipulating you may get upset with you for certain behaviors that they themselves perform. For example, a manipulator might get angry with you for coming home very late, then do the same thing while continuing to place blame on you.
Healthy love often feels free, while manipulation typically seeks to control
While it can be common for romantic partners to merge many aspects of their day-to-day lives, it is typically important for a person to maintain certain independent aspects of their own personality. Healthy partners tend to maintain outside friends and hobbies, whereas a manipulative partner may actively work to remove or distance you from these things.
Due to the gradual nature of manipulation, it can be difficult to spot red flags, but there may be a number of early signs you may be able to recognize.
The red flags of manipulation
Early red flags of manipulation in a romantic relationship can be characterized by a number of behaviors, the main one usually being “love bombing”. An article published by the New York Times describes love bombing as the use of excessive flattery, attention, extravagant gifts, and isolation from family and friends.
While many of these gestures may come off as kind or romantic, they may serve as early warning signs. Excessive compliments or expressions of love very early on may indicate that a person has fallen for an idealized version of you. When you do not live up to the unrealistic standard they have set for you in their mind, this is when manipulation tends to occur.
Still, there can be many less obvious signs that you could be getting manipulated. Since every situation tends to be unique, it may help to seek guidance from a licensed therapist.
The benefits of online therapy
If you suspect your partner may be manipulating you, it is typically best to consult a therapist or mental health professional. Due to the potentially dangerous nature of prolonged manipulation in relationships, professional guidance can often play a crucial role in matters of safety and emotional well-being.
Online therapy may be a good place to begin the process of seeking guidance. You may speak with a licensed mental health professional from any location with an internet connection.
The effectiveness of online therapy
In addition to the various benefits of online therapy, studies show that it usually has the same level of effectiveness as face-to-face therapy. Due to the complexity of identifying signs of manipulative behavior and navigating the differences between a healthy relationship and a manipulative one, guidance from a therapist or licensed relationship counselor is likely to serve as an effective tool.
Takeaway
Can a psychopath truly love someone?
To answer the question, “Can psychopaths love?,” it's important to recognize that “psychopath” is an informal (and often stigmatizing) term sometimes used to refer to someone with the diagnosable cluster B personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). People with ASPD may exhibit some of the following signs:
- Behaviors that contradict social norms
- Difficulty distinguishing right from wrong
- Displaying a lack of empathy
- Little regards for the rights or boundaries of others
- Frequent lying and/or manipulation
- Criminal behavior
- Reckless behaviors or lack of consideration for safety
- Arrogance
- Impulsivity and/or aggression
- Superficial charm
- High emotional reactivity
The symptoms of ASPD may fall into two categories, called primary and secondary psychopathic traits. Primary traits include antisocial acts, such as callousness, manipulation, and superficial charm. Secondary traits include impulsivity, hostile behaviors, and a lack of long-term goals. Additionally, while people with primary psychopathy experience low anxiety, those with secondary psychopathy have high anxiety, which may develop as a result of adverse childhood experiences.
Due to the symptomatology of this disorder, particularly low empathy and disregard for others, some researchers suggest that people with ASPD may be incapable of experiencing love. However, some people with ASPD describe experiencing passionate love (infatuation), without the commitment or emotional intimacy that are characteristic of many long-term relationships. Sometimes, people with ASPD describe a sense of utility or usefulness that must be attached for long-term relationships to persist.
Are psychopaths good lovers?
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), people can experience varying degrees of psychopathy, with an estimated 30% of the world population displaying some degree of psychopathic tendencies. Of those with symptoms of secondary psychopathy, avoidant attachment styles are common, which may lead to challenges with commitment, high levels of independence, and discomfort with emotional intimacy.
While people with higher levels of psychopathic personality traits may find it difficult to maintain long-lasting, healthy relationships, many people with some antisocial behaviors can experience successful relationships.
Do psychopaths have feelings?
Many believe that people with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) are incapable of experiencing emotions, however, it’s suggested that people with ASPD often experience feelings under the right conditions, such as when the emotion is part of a goal (but not when their attention is focused elsewhere). One research study found that people with ASPD may experience retrospective regret, but not prospective regret (meaning regret about past actions doesn’t inform future choices). For example, someone who committed a crime may feel bad about it, but separate those feelings from their future decisions or the consequences of their actions. People with ASPD also have low empathy, meaning even though they experience emotions, they may act in a self-serving manner, regardless of how it makes others feel.
In summary, ASPD may make it difficult to process complex information, make inferences about the future, or multitask. They may also find it difficult or impossible to empathize, resulting in actions that may be harmful to others, but it doesn’t mean that people with the disorder are emotionless or cold-blooded.
What happens when two psychopaths fall in love?
Some people with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) may feel the need to imitate culturally-acceptable emotions with friends, family, and romantic partners. In a relationship with someone else with ASPD, it may be relieving to not have to act or express oneself in socially-accepted ways. In fact, some studies have found that people who display antisocial behaviors are most attracted to those who have similar characteristics.
Some experts believe that ASPD exists on a spectrum, which may make it easier for people with low levels of antisocial personality traits to engage in romantic relationships, even if they’re not based on traditional concepts of emotional intimacy. Typically though, people with ASPD will divest from the relationship if it no longer benefits them.
How do you know if a psychopath loves you?
If a psychopath falls for you, you may notice the following signs in your relationship:
- Discomfort with emotional intimacy and avoiding connection
- Lack of respect for your boundaries
- Willingness to repeatedly lie, punish, cheat, or steal if it serves their goals
- Love bombing early in the relationship, which may lead to the relationship progressing rapidly
- Expecting something in return for their generosity
- Disregard for how their actions harm you, dismissing your concerns, and/or invalidating your feelings
- Unwillingness to compromise
- Blaming others for their actions
- Appealing to your empathy or guilt-tripping you
- Superficial charm
- Impulsivity
Regardless of whether your partner had symptoms of ASPD, a relationship based on manipulation, shame, and control may be symptomatic of emotional abuse. Speaking with a licensed professional can help you process complex emotions surrounding unhealthy relationships and improve your self-esteem.
Do psychopaths get jealous?
According to several research studies, antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) is positively associated with several types of jealousy, including:
- Emotional jealousy: Negative emotions which target perceived threats to relationships
- Jealousy induction: People with ASPD may solicit jealousy from their partner strategically to achieve a goal, such as gaining control, testing the relationship, getting revenge, or building self-esteem
- Suspicious jealousy: A cognitive and behavioral element of jealousy, which is associated with avoidant attachment styles, insecurities, anxiety, and low self-esteem
Can you hurt a psychopath's feelings?
The motivations behind relationships may be tied to utility, but people with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) often find relationships fulfilling and valuable, as most people do. They may feel little remorse, guilt, or empathy for others, which can make it challenging to understand or care about how their actions impact others. However, people with ASPD often do experience loneliness, anger, sadness, or emotional hurt, which can be exacerbated by their difficulty maintaining social connections.
Are psychopaths born or made?
Though the exact cause is unknown, it is believed that antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) develops through a combination of nature (genetics) and nurture (environmental factors, such as childhood abuse). Other things that may increase the risk of ASPD include:
- A diagnosis of conduct disorder in childhood
- A history of substance use disorder
- Traumatic brain injury
- Sex (men are most likely to develop the disorder)
- Biological differences
- Exposure to heavy metals
Do psychopaths love their parents?
People with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) may not experience love in the same way as other people. For example, people with ASPD may find it difficult to develop emotional intimacy or maintain commitment to their social connections. However, they can still value relationships positively and benefit from them. Additionally, ASPD exists on a spectrum, meaning someone with subclinical symptoms may have difficulty experiencing empathy, but still experience a largely loving relationship with their parents.
Who are psychopaths attracted to?
In general, people adhere to a pattern of “positive assortment,” meaning we are often attracted to people who are similar to ourselves. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality, people with psychopathic traits are often most attracted to people with similar personality traits.
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