What To Do When You Want Love But Can't Seem To Find It
Wanting love is a common experience that many people go through. It can be challenging to cope when you can't find the love you so desire. It may be helpful to accept your desire for love, examine the root of your difficulties, discover new ways to meet people, consider your ideal healthy relationship, and work on yourself as you continue your journey.
Therapy can also be a valuable tool for digging into any limiting beliefs or challenges you may have while looking for love.
If you want love but can't seem to find it or have lost love and feel like you'll never find it again, try not to give up hope. Love can contribute to overall happiness and fulfillment and may be worth seeking out. The five tips below can point you in the right direction and help you find what you're looking for.
Accept that you want to be loved
If one can identify what they lack in their life, they may begin to grow. As you embark on your search for the love you desire, ask yourself, “am I truly craving love, or is it something else I’m looking for?”
If you're sure that what you're craving isn't just physical affection, the need for companionship, or anything else, you may desire love. Some may find it hard to accept that they desire love because of the myth that needing others or wanting love equates to weakness.
Others may believe that they do not deserve to be loved. Perhaps they feel like something they've done, or even something they haven't done is a reason not to be loved. Therefore, they may not be able to accept their desire.
A need or want for love can be completely normal and understandable, and everyone can possess traits, qualities, and inherent value that makes them deserving of love. Sometimes it may help to affirm these points to yourself through positive affirmations. You may try saying some of the following affirmations to yourself each day:
- "I matter in this world.”
- “I am a person worthy of love.”
- “I desire love, and I accept the fact that I do.”
- “This need does not make me weak; I am strong because I know I want love, and I know that I am a person who can be loved.”
- "I want love, and I trust I will find it with time."
- “One day, I will find someone who loves me for who I am."
By reminding yourself of this often, even if you do not believe it now, you may soon come to believe your words and can continue to find the love you want.
Try to find the root of the issue
Do you feel unlovable, or do you believe love is a weakness? Is there something else holding you back? When you meet potential partners, are you being your authentic self, or are you more like an actor putting on a persona?
Once you have accepted that your desire for love and connection is normal, examining the root of the problem may be helpful in moving forward. Your beliefs about yourself and love can impact your behavior and approach to situations and may need to be addressed.
Painful experiences like losing a loved one or childhood trauma can shape your thoughts and ideas. Working to uncover your underlying beliefs may help you make essential changes that can bring you the things you want for yourself, including love. Expressive writing through journaling has been scientifically proven to be mentally healthy, so it may help you to analyze your feelings through this method.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Explore new ways to meet people
Many people who want love try dating apps like Tinder and Hinge, where you can get to know a person through their bio, which often contains photos or even a video, and by sending messages. Although it is possible to find love on dating apps, many people use them as surface-level confidence boosters.
In addition, some people are on dating apps not because they are interested in healthy relationships but instead to find hook-ups. It may be more beneficial to seek out love interests who are looking for the same things you are by exploring other ways of meeting people.
You may wish to participate in community activities, attend events, or join clubs and other organizations instead. Visiting libraries, coffee shops, and similar low-stakes locations to meet people may also be helpful.
Know how you want to be loved in a healthy relationship
As you are searching for love, it may be helpful to ensure you have a solid idea of what healthy relationships look like and what you want and need in a relationship. You might try making a list of the things you want out of a relationship while you wait for it to materialize, as well as your ideas about how a relationship should work. It is better to look for something genuine rather than experience empty love.
Speak with a licensed therapist
Finally, it may be beneficial to work on your behaviors and outlook on life. Perhaps you dislike some of your traits, or maybe there are things you would like to learn to do.
Self-help may help you feel more fulfilled as a person, and it can even help you to be a better partner when love comes your way. By building yourself to be a person you like, the path to finding a healthy, loving relationship may become even more meaningful.
Some research-proven methods of self-care include:
Online therapy can help you navigate your search for love
Therapy may help you manage the complex emotions that can arise with your search for love. If you are uncomfortable discussing these issues in person, online therapy can be an option, allowing you to get the help you deserve from the comfort of your home.
Research shows that online therapy can be beneficial for those experiencing difficult emotions arising from issues with love and relationships. In a comprehensive study published in Behavior Therapy, researchers found that online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) effectively reduces feelings of loneliness. In addition to decreased loneliness, the study noted that participants experienced an overall increase in quality of life and a reduction in other symptoms often associated with depression and social anxiety.
If you hope to reap the benefits of online therapy for loneliness, you may decide to check out the online counselors available on platforms such as BetterHelp. Read below for counselor reviews from recent users.
Counselor reviews
“I absolutely love Mrs. Kelly she is very down to earth, direct, loving and very caring. She hits the hammer on the nail each and every time and has already made a difference in my life. I'm so thankful to have you as my therapist Mrs. Kelly.”
“Thank you, Keesha, I needed someone to talk to and you where there with open ears. You thought me self-respect and how to love yourself before loving someone else.”
Takeaway
Many people experience an intense desire for love, but if it seems like you'll never find it, you might experience emotions like sadness, anger, or desperation. As you progress toward finding love, there are a few strategies you can employ that may help.
Accepting your desire for love and examining the root of the issue is a great way to start. Once you feel confident, you can explore new ways to meet people while continuing to think about what your ideal relationship looks like. Throughout the entire journey, you can focus on improving yourself to attract the kind of person you'd love to have as a partner.
If you feel you'd benefit from speaking with a licensed mental health professional about your experience looking for love, then you may consider scheduling an online therapy session.
Why does it seem like I can't find love?
Love can be challenging for almost everyone sometimes. If it seems like you can’t find love, consider reflecting on your well-being and overall happiness. While new love can be a truly magical feeling, working on yourself can help reduce loneliness and help mentally prepare you to find a partner. Love can be elusive when you search for it directly. Often, taking a break from looking for a partner can help love come more quickly and naturally. Finding an amazing person is likely easier when you think the same of yourself.
Is it normal to struggle to find love?
Many people struggle to find love. Most humans are naturally driven to enter a romantic relationship and find a partner. However, the dating world is often difficult to navigate, and finding an acceptable partner can be challenging for various reasons. Many of those reasons are external, like living in an area with few potential dating prospects.
Sometimes, internal factors, like low self-worth, can make finding love a struggle. If finding love is difficult, a good first step is often building self-esteem and confidence. Adopting new hobbies may also help take the focus off of finding love. Love, much like happiness, is often fleeting when pursued intently. Focusing on other parts of life can significantly reduce the stress and uncertainty associated with a lack of love. It may be true that, paradoxically, focusing less on finding love may make it easier to encounter.
Why do I want to fall in love but can’t?
For some people, falling in love is a simple, straightforward process. For others, it can be slower and more complicated. There is nothing wrong with falling in love slowly or being cautious in your approach. However, if you perceive that love is always at arm’s length despite your best efforts, there are a few things you might consider:
Partner compatibility. Are you dating people who are a good match for you? Some people choose partners based on external factors, like what society expects of them, instead of internal factors, like a feeling of genuine attraction. Take time to listen to what your heart is telling you. You might interpret that the people you date are the only kind with whom you are compatible, but it may be worthwhile to take time to rethink your “type.”
Mental health concerns. Several mental health conditions can impact your ability to give and receive love. For example, depression can make it challenging to recognize loving gestures from a partner. Anxiety may also play a role; it can lower self-worth and increase the stress associated with new relationships, which may significantly reduce positive aspects of love.
Attachment concerns. A person’s attachment style can significantly impact their ability to form romantic relationships. Insecure attachment patterns can make it difficult to feel love and may make romantic gestures feel stressful or unwelcome. If you’re struggling to fall in love, an attachment issue may be part of the cause.
Attachment and mental health concerns can both be addressed with the help of a therapist. If you’re struggling with love, reaching out to a qualified mental health professional is likely a good way to help you better understand how you perceive and relate to love.
What to do when you don't find love?
Love can sometimes be difficult to find when searching for it daily. While it might seem like you could go without finding love for your entire life, statistics paint a different picture. Today, a slim majority of 18 - 34-year-olds have no romantic partner, but that number drops considerably as people age. This may reflect changing trends in the dating market; people are less likely than ever to get married or start a family at a young age. Many adults are waiting to enter relationships, and half of all single people are not looking for a romantic relationship.
If you’re experiencing negative feelings associated with romantic pursuits, like false hope or unrequited love, it may be worthwhile to take some time to focus on yourself. Taking the focus off of love may relieve negative feelings associated with being single and make true love easier to find in the future. Many people find that focusing on their confidence not only takes their mind off of romantic pursuits but also makes it easier to find a partner when they return to dating.
Why do I crave love so much?
Most humans are hard-wired to desire love. Falling in love is a complex neurological process that involves several parts of the brain and various neurochemicals. Love is frequently conceptualized as a “natural addiction” because it activates reward pathways within the brain in a similar manner to addictive substances. The desire for love may be much stronger once it has been experienced. In addition, many people strongly associate love with happiness and may try to find happiness through romantic pursuits.
It is also possible that pressure from friends, family, or other facets of society may contribute to a craving for love. Pressure from others to enter a romantic relationship continues to drop, but over half of adults still feel at least some pressure from those around them to date. External pressure may make a person sense that they are “wrong” for not dating and may strengthen the desire for love and a romantic relationship.
Why Am I am still single?
If you’re searching for a committed relationship but struggling to find one, there are a few things to consider. It is possible you are making yourself unavailable to potential partners. Sometimes, people are pickier than they should be, seeking perfection rather than reality. You may wish to consider if you are setting your standards too high. That doesn’t mean compromising on core values, doing things you don’t want to do, or allowing yourself to be treated poorly. Rather, it may mean that you magnify small details that may be inconsequential in a healthy relationship.
You may also wish to consider building self-worth and confidence. Insecurity and self-doubt can prevent anyone from starting a relationship and may reduce happiness when you do find a partner. Once you’ve improved your confidence, you may want to try a new routine, like visiting a new social area instead of the same bars and clubs.
What is the normal age to find love?
It is important to distinguish between finding “love” and finding “the one.” Love usually includes early experiences, often in adolescence, that don’t directly lead to a life-long commitment like marriage. About half of all adolescents report experiencing their first romantic love by age 15. However, on average, women do not get married until age 25, and men until age 27. That’s around a decade of potential romantic experience before finally settling down, much of which may have included feelings of strong love and romantic attachment.
Am I emotionally unavailable?
Emotional availability generally refers to the ability to establish a healthy emotional connection through emotional intimacy, strong communication, and a willingness to empathize. Emotionally unavailable people may struggle to commit to a lasting relationship, discuss their feelings, or trust their partner. If your partner says they’re doing all the work in the relationship, they struggle to connect to you, or they have difficulty understanding what you want from the relationship, you may be emotionally unavailable.
If you think you’re emotionally unavailable, you may wish to consider your compatibility with your partner. If this is the first person you’ve dated who reports these concerns, it may simply be that you and they are not a good fit. However, if you notice a consistent dating history where you struggle to emotionally connect with others, you may wish to consider speaking with a therapist to help address underlying concerns.
Why am I so emotionally unavailable?
If you’re struggling to connect to romantic partners emotionally, you may wish to begin by considering your attachment style. Your attachment style is based on your childhood experiences and can significantly impact how you connect to others romantically. Attachments can be either secure or insecure, and insecure attachments are associated with relationship problems. One insecure type of attachment, avoidant attachment, is significantly associated with difficulty connecting emotionally.
Although attachment styles are rooted in childhood, they are not unchangeable. Taking steps like seeking emotional support, analyzing past experiences, and altering self-perceptions can help you move from an insecure to an earned-secure attachment style. Many people find that working with a mental health professional can make that process significantly easier.
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