Why Can't I Find Love? Tips For Finding Real Love And Happiness

Wanting love is a common experience that many people go through. It can be challenging to cope when you can't find the love you want. It may be helpful to accept your desire for love, examine the root of your difficulties, discover new ways to meet people, consider your ideal healthy relationship, and work on yourself as you continue your journey.

Therapy can also be a valuable tool for digging into any limiting beliefs or challenges you may need to overcome while looking for love.

Why finding love can feel so difficult

While many people desire a fulfilling love life, romantic relationships aren’t always easy to enter into and maintain. There are several reasons people become discouraged or frustrated as they seek love. Many people simply lack the time to meet people and develop meaningful connections. Work, school, social engagements, or other obligations may fill your time, making it hard to date. 

For some, mental health challenges can contribute to difficulty finding love. Obstacles to putting oneself out there and meeting new people could include: 

• Low self-esteem
• Social anxiety
• Self-doubt

Others may avoid looking for love because they’ve been hurt in the past. They may worry about how a new relationship might impact their future happiness or emotional well-being. 

If you want love but can't seem to find it or have lost love and feel like you'll never find it again, try to keep an open mind and avoid giving up hope. We know that love can be helpful in contributing to overall happiness and fulfillment and may be worth seeking out. The five tips below can point you in the right direction and help you find the love you need and want.

Accept that you want to be loved 

If we can identify what we lack in our lives, we may begin to grow. As you embark on your search for the love you need and want, ask yourself, “Am I truly craving love, or is it something else I’m looking for?”

If you're sure that what you're craving isn't just physical affection, the want and need for companionship, or anything else, you may want love. Some may find it hard to accept that we need and want love because of the myth that needing others or wanting love equates to weakness.

Some of us may believe that we do not deserve to be loved. Perhaps we feel like something we have done, or even something we haven't done is a reason not to be loved. Therefore, we may not be able to accept our wants and needs.

A need or want for love can be completely normal and understandable, and we can possess traits, qualities, and inherent values that make us deserving of love. Sometimes it may help to affirm these points to yourself through positive affirmations. You may try saying some of the following affirmations to yourself each day:

• "I matter in this world.” 
• “I am a person worthy of love.” 
• “I want love, and I accept the fact that I do.” 
• “This need does not make me weak; I am strong because I know I need to want love, and I know that I am a person who can be loved.” 
• "I need and want love, and I trust I will find it with time."
• “One day, I will find someone who loves me for who I am."

By reminding yourself of this often, even if you do not believe it now, you may soon be able to do so and believe your words, continuing to find the love you need and want.

Try to find the root of the issue

Do you feel unlovable, or do you believe love is a weakness? Is there something else holding you back? When you meet potential partners, do you act as your authentic self, or are you more like an actor putting on a persona?

Once we have accepted that our want and need for love and connection is normal, examining the root of the problem may be helpful in moving forward. Your beliefs about yourself and the need for love can be impactful in shaping your behavior and approach to situations and may need to be addressed.

For some, the modern dating landscape can be difficult to navigate, with online dating and changing norms making it harder to find single men and women. Others may have deep-seated patterns—such as insecure attachment styles—that make it hard for them to enter into romantic relationships. For example, someone with an avoidant attachment style may keep a romantic interest at arm’s length, preventing a deep emotional connection from forming. 

As you try to identify potential complicating factors, think about how you pursue romantic love. Have you settled into certain routines, like going to the same bars to meet people? You might also consider any mental health concerns that play a role. Do you experience low self-esteem, social anxiety, or depression? Past relationships may also be influencing your ability to find love. If you’ve been hurt in the past, think about how that experience might be impacting you now. 

Painful experiences like losing a loved one or childhood trauma can shape how you think and shape ideas. Working to uncover your underlying beliefs may help you make essential changes that can bring you the things you need for yourself, including love. Expressive writing through journaling has been scientifically proven to be mentally healthy, so it may help you to analyze your feelings through this method. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

How past experiences shape our love life

As discussed above, past relationships can influence your current approaches to love and dating in a variety of ways. Developing greater self-awareness regarding these experiences and their impacts may help you overcome obstacles to finding love. For example, you might have had a partner who was dismissive or critical, leading you to develop low self-esteem or self-doubt. If you’ve experienced mental health challenges (e.g., trauma) in the past, these concerns may be complicating your love life in the present.  

It’s also possible that early family relationships are affecting your ability to form emotional bonds. For example, if you had inconsistent caregivers, you might have developed an anxious attachment style, marked by a fear of abandonment or rejection. Such a pattern may cause you to have a very difficult time fostering healthy connections with potential romantic interests. 

Recognizing patterns that keep you stuck

Identifying your attachment style may be an important step on the path to finding love. Insecure attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—can cause deeply entrenched patterns that require self-awareness and effort to alter. For example, individuals with avoidant attachment styles often were raised by emotionally unavailable people. Such an experience can hurt a child’s chances of becoming emotionally available later in life. 

Dig deep and think about how you tend to develop emotional connections with people. Using the above example of avoidant attachment, do you try to get close to potential partners, only to pull back due to a fear of intimacy? Closeness and emotional expression are must-haves in a relationship, and you might be giving these people false hope by attempting to connect, only to then create distance. Strategies like mindfulness and journaling can help you identify patterns that may be keeping you from moving forward in romantic relationships. 

The roles of self-esteem and self-awareness in love

Your self-perception may be more important than you realize when it comes to how you connect with others. High self-esteem and self-awareness can be key to your ability to build a healthy, lasting love. Research shows that self-esteem is closely connected to relationship quality. When you are understanding and trusting in your relationship with yourself, you may be more likely to imbue your romantic relationships with those same characteristics. 

If you experience low self-esteem, a change in your self-perception may help you cultivate happiness and true love. Try to avoid negative self-talk, which can reinforce unhelpful beliefs you may have developed about your worth. A healthy sense of gratitude can also help you develop a positive mindset. What aspects of yourself—skills, attributes, etc.—do you appreciate most? Try to challenge limiting beliefs, instead keeping an open mind about who you are and what you’re capable of.  

Explore new ways to meet people

Many people who want love try dating apps like Tinder and Hinge, where we can get to know a person through their bio, which often contains photos or even a video, and by sending messages. Although it is possible for you to find love through online dating apps, many people use them as surface-level confidence boosters.

In addition, some people are on dating apps not because they are interested in healthy relationships but instead to find hook-ups. While the dating app landscape is a convenient forum for connecting with singles, it is not the only place to pursue a loving relationship. It may be more beneficial to seek out love interests who are looking for the same things as you by exploring other ways of meeting people.

If you find yourself going to the same bars for a few hours each week, you might be limiting the pool of single men or women you could be meeting. Instead, you may wish to participate in community activities and attend events (e.g., a volunteer opportunity or adult education course), clubs, and other organizations. For many, shared interests and values are must-haves for a new relationship. By pursuing your passions and keeping an open mind, you may end up meeting a like-minded person and feeling the sparks fly. You can also do things like visit libraries, coffee shops, and similar low-stakes locations to meet people may also be helpful.

Know how you want to be loved in a healthy relationship

Speak with a relationship coach or licensed therapist

Finally, it may be beneficial for you to work on your behaviors and outlook on life. Perhaps you dislike some of your traits, or maybe there are things you would like to learn to do.

Working one on one with a relationship coach or therapist can help you identify challenges that are impacting your love life. For example, a mental health professional may promote self-awareness regarding your attachment style, helping you understand how past connections are impacting your current romantic relationships. A therapist can also give you advice regarding communication, emotional availability, and other areas that may be key to your ability to foster a loving relationship. 

Self-help may help you feel more fulfilled as a person, and it can even help you do better as a partner when love comes your way, allowing you to be more open and ready for a healthy relationship. By building yourself to be a person you like, the path to finding a healthy, loving relationship can be even more meaningful.

Some research-proven methods of self-care you can do include:

• Spending time in nature
• Exercising
• Laughing
• Getting proper sleep

Building confidence and treating people with care

Mutual respect, trust, and care are key components of a healthy, loving relationship. Often, these qualities are outgrowths of our feelings toward ourselves. When we show ourselves respect by pursuing personal growth and building self-esteem, we may be better prepared to treat people the same way. 

Building confidence may start with setting attainable goals as you search for true love. For example, an achievable objective might be to meet one new person each week. As you make progress toward your goals, you may find that your levels of self-esteem, confidence, and happiness are increasing. This can make your search for love more effective and enjoyable.   

How to avoid rushing into a new relationship

While some people know that they’ve met their true love after only a few days (or even a few hours), romantic love often requires patience. If you’ve long sought a lasting love, you may be tempted to begin a partnership shortly after meeting someone. You may feel a strong initial attraction or realize that you and this person share many interests. However, it can be important to avoid entering into a new relationship too quickly. 

People who rush into romantic relationships may miss signs of incompatibility or ignore certain red flags. Being patient doesn’t mean that you have to keep this person at arm’s length or avoid opening up to them, though. You can keep an open mind while also ensuring they are a good match. Get to know your romantic interest by interacting with them in a variety of contexts. This can help you learn more about who they are and how well they fit in your life. 

Letting go of false hope and unavailable people

If you’ve experienced frustration or heartbreak over the course of your search for love, it may be because you’re pursuing the wrong people. Take, for example, a situation in which your ex-partner has given you false hope for reconciliation many times in the past. They may have reached out to you claiming to want to get back together, only to hurt you by pulling away again. 

When we continually attempt to connect with emotionally unavailable people, we may have a very difficult time meeting people with whom we can form a meaningful bond. Self-awareness and -confidence can be crucial to your ability to let go of false hope and pursue healthy romantic relationships. When you experience self-doubt, remember that you are not defined by your relationships. Remind yourself that you bring something unique to the table that the right person will truly appreciate. 

Online therapy can help you navigate your search for love

Therapy may help you manage the complex emotions that can arise with your search for love. If you are uncomfortable discussing these issues in person, you may try online therapy, allowing you to get the help you deserve from the comfort of your home.

Research shows that online therapy can be beneficial for those experiencing difficult emotions arising from issues with love and relationships. In a comprehensive study published in Behavior Therapy, researchers found that online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) effectively reduces feelings of loneliness. In addition to decreased loneliness, the study noted that participants experienced an overall increase in quality of life and a reduction in other symptoms often associated with depression and social anxiety.

If you hope to reap the benefits of online therapy for loneliness, you may decide to check out the online counselors available on platforms such as BetterHelp.