I feel like my husband hates me: What to do
If your husband has said, "I hate you," or you feel that your partner hates you due to conflict, self-esteem, emotional infidelity, or relationship issues, it can feel disheartening, hurtful, and challenging. Depending on the context of your husband's emotions or behaviors, you might choose to proceed in a number of ways. As you decide what to do next, it’s important to carefully consider which actions might be the healthiest to take in your marriage/relationship.
In some cases, a spouse expressing hatred, hostility, or unhealthy behaviors can be a sign of abuse or toxicity in a relationship.
Unhealthy relationship dynamics
If your husband, wife, or other intimate partner tells you they hate you, this can signify an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Although there may be reasons behind why your husband hates you, aggressive phrases and messages can have consequences for your mental health.
Supposing it is safe to do so, and after anger has subsided, you could try spending quality time with your husband and asking what it means when they tell you they hate you or your time together. Are they stressed? Feeling angry? What is the reasoning behind their urge to communicate this to you?
Your husband may not actually feel resentment toward you. However, words can have an impact, and studies show that intent doesn't always line up with impact. Even if your partner is putting forth the effort to communicate that they feel unloved, unheard, hurt, angry, or stressed, telling you they hate you is not a healthy response. If you’re asking yourself “My spouse hates me, what did I do wrong?” it may be beneficial to spend time to consider how to healthily proceed.
How to identify abusive behavior
Verbal statements can be abusive behaviors in specific contexts. The United Nations defines abuse as any statement or behavior that "frightens, intimidates, terrorizes, manipulates, hurts, humiliates, blames, injures, or wounds someone." It may be a sign of abuse if your partner continually puts you down, humiliates you, or calls you names.
What is an unhealthy relationship?
Many factors could make up an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Additionally, not every relationship that has unhealthy patterns is abusive or involves domestic violence. However, your relationship may be unhealthy if you experience any of the following:
- Using tactics to gaslight, manipulate, or emotionally invalidate someone
- Showing signs that they are no longer interested in you
- Disregarding boundaries (i.e., repeatedly texting or calling after a boundary has been set, pressuring a partner to engage in physical affection or sex)
- Constantly criticizing, arguing, yelling, threatening, or making verbally abusive or statements (i.e., name-calling, assigning blame, saying “I hate you”)
- Behaving in a threatening or volatile manner (i.e., throwing items, slamming doors, engaging in self-harm)
- Love bombing – engaging in periods of grand affection after an argument or at the beginning of a relationship
- Using harmful communication tactics (i.e., defensiveness, stonewalling, refusing to actively listen)
- Unwilling to remain faithful
- Breaking up and making up repeatedly
- Staying in your relationship where you’re unhappy or unfulfilled and may not want to remain in your marriage anymore
Although not every item on the list may be classified as abuse on its own, these actions or reactions can be unhealthy for a marriage. If your husband says he hates you or refuses to confront the issues or what needs to be done in healthy relationships, it might benefit you to reach out for help and seek couples counseling. If your partner has been in an affair, it can be very important to discuss this issue with a couples counselor who will listen to you and may help to work towards a healthy resolution for everyone involved.
What does a healthy relationship look like?
Studies show that healthy relationships are beneficial to your overall health. However, knowing whether your relationship is healthy and finding signs your husband hates you can feel complex. Several studies indicate that healthy and happy marriages require optimism, commitment, open communication, and passion. Other signs your husband doesn’t hate you or signs of a loving relationships can include:
- Having a secure attachment, which involves feeling safe, respected, appreciated, loved, and like you can be yourself
- Communicating effectively (i.e., using active listening, having open conversations, making eye contact, showing vulnerability and empathy, giving affirmations, laughing, compromising, and apologizing when wrong)
- Showing loyalty and honoring boundaries
- Maintaining healthy levels of intimacy, where sexual and physical consent is foundational
- Splitting shared responsibilities fairly and being interdependent while having a healthy sense of independence and commitment to self-care
At times, relationships combine traits from the above healthy and unhealthy lists. In these cases, your relationship could require extra support to help manage positive and negative feelings. Couples counseling can be an effective way to work toward healthier relationship patterns, and 70% of couples find it beneficial.
How to proceed in your marriage
When you figure out, there is an unhealthy pattern in your relationship, or if you feel signs that your partner resents you, there are a few steps you can take if you feel like the relationship is worth saving. You may start communicating with your partner, making personal choices, reaching out for help, and determining the health of your relationship as a first step.
Communicate with your partner
Assuming you feel safe, communicate how their words make you feel. Tell them what makes you feel worried and the reasons behind your fears or hurts.
If they have told you they hate you, express why you feel it is unhealthy and ask what they meant by the statement. If your spouse finds excuses or if this has the opposite effect, and they become defensive, angry, or continue to say unkind things, consider removing yourself from the conversation. It can be important, and oftentimes transformative, to discuss the negative things and put them out in the open air to discuss.
Tell them you're no longer interested in conversation if they resort to verbal abuse. Rather than giving your partner the silent treatment, communicate any desire to leave your relationship, take a break, or spend time alone, and be sure they know that you won't accept unkind statements.
In the case of reaching out for support through a therapist, you may bring up your desire to connect with a counselor. Ask them if they would be willing to attend therapy with you and delve into these conversations deeper with professional support to avoid ending up in the same place over and over again.
Look within
If your partner has not said hurtful things, but you feel worried, anxious, or upset, it may be beneficial to look within and examine your emotions and ways to deal with those emotions. Are you struggling with self-esteem? Was there a specific behavior that your partner exhibited that made you feel unloved? Are you afraid due to past relationships or events? Asking yourself these questions may give you deeper insight into your emotions.
Talk to your support circle
Talking to your support circle can be valuable when taking care of your own emotional health. This circle might include friends, close family, distant relatives, spiritual leaders, mentors, or psychologists. Tell these individuals what has been going on in your marriage or about how you feel. If there is an unhealthy dynamic in your marriage, a close confidant may be able to help you see the patterns you struggle to notice. A professional could also be valuable if you're unsure whether your partner is acting healthily.
As you navigate the challenges of divorce or a breakup, having social connections can benefit your mental and physical health.
End the relationship
You may end up deciding that your relationship is unhealthy, abusive, or not the right fit for you. Being exposed to hostile statements and behavior can feel challenging whether your partner actually hates you or not. In some cases, people decide to leave to escape an unsafe environment even if they are still having romantic feelings for their partner.
Choosing whether or not to leave may not be a simple decision. You might want to consult with friends, family, a divorce lawyer, or a counselor. You may have children, assets, or property to divide, among other reasons. If you're struggling to choose, consider creating a pros and cons chart with four quadrants. Label each quadrant with the following titles:
- Pros of leaving
- Cons of leaving
- Pros of staying
- Cons of staying
After you've created the chart, leave it and wait for a few days. At that point, come back to it on a day you're feeling relaxed, and add any other points you may have thought of. Read through your chart to help you make your decision. If you have a therapist, you may choose to bring the chart to therapy to discuss it in more detail.
Make a plan
Whether you choose to leave or work things out with your partner, consider drafting a plan to follow as you move forward and lead the way. The plan may include the steps you want to take to improve your relationship or leave it.
If you're staying, draft the plan together. Come up with ways to increase healthy behaviors and conversations. If your partner feels unheard, upset, or unloved, ask them how you can improve. You may want to focus on each other's love languages more often or increase physical intimacy. Also, you may want to consider planning some important dates that are set aside for intimacy, attention, and conversation.
Additionally, come up with a plan for arguments or relationship crises. For example, you could agree to take an hour alone when an argument arises before talking to each other about how you feel to calm down and have time to reflect.
Hostile behavior
If your partner is upset, angry, or stressed in your relationship, they may act in hostile ways. Studies show that anger is often a secondary emotion. Underneath the anger, your partner may have underlying reasons and feel sad, anxious, unloved, or scared.
Although it's unhealthy to act hostile toward your partner, understanding your partner's anger may help you know how to proceed during tough times. Anger management courses are one method to help those who hope to reduce their anger and identify underlying negative emotions and urges.
Analyzing where your feelings stem from
If your partner has not communicated hostility toward you, it may be valuable to analyze your thoughts and feelings. Feeling hated by someone could come from a few factors, including:
- An anxious attachment style
- Fearful thoughts
- Reading into the actions or words of others
- Cognitive distortions
- Poor self-esteem
- A compulsive urge to ask for reassurance
- Unhealthy relationship patterns or behaviors from your partner
- Feeling your needs are unmet
- Resentment toward your relationship
- Feeling unloved, disrespected, or unheard
If you are worried, consider reaching out to an individual counselor or discussing these thoughts with your partner if it is safe. You might also journal about your feelings, as journaling has been proven to be an effective method of releasing emotion.
Online therapy with BetterHelp
Professional help could benefit you or your relationship if one partner is feeling lost, confused, or unsure about where to go. Counseling can be done individually or as a couple. Start by looking for counselors in your area that accept your insurance or fit within your budget, or consider online therapy.
If you and your partner hope to see an online counselor together but do not wish to attend sessions in person, platforms like Regain are available. For individuals, a site like BetterHelp may offer a therapist that fits your preferences and therapeutic needs. Even if you and your partner have busy schedules, online therapy allows you to make appointments according to your availability.
Online counseling can greatly benefit couples experiencing problems in their relationship, but it can also be helpful for individual issues. Research has also shown that online therapy is highly effective for those experiencing domestic abuse or violence. Web-based interventions can successfully reduce symptoms of common mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Additionally, it can remove the common barriers that keep people from receiving mental health care.
Knowing what to do when you face hostility or unhealthy patterns in your relationship can be complicated. Respecting your boundaries, practicing self-care, and learning healthy relationship behaviors may be the first step toward healing and give you the opportunity to start afresh.
If you are struggling to take these steps on your own or would appreciate professional guidance, individual or couples counseling is also an option. Consider reaching out to a counselor to get started; in many cases, it is free to search for a counselor that fits your needs.
Counselor reviews
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Takeaway
No matter what struggles you're facing in your relationship, there is hope. If you're in a hate-filled relationship, consider finding the strength to leave. If your relationship is healthy but unhappy, work with your partner to get things back on track together. Whatever you decide, a qualified therapist can help. You deserve happiness, and you're strong enough to overcome even the most difficult relationship issues. Take the first step toward a fulfilling relationship today.
Frequently asked questions
How do you deal with a husband who hates you?
It can be difficult to know what to do if you feel like your partner or spouse hates you. Depending on the situation, it may or may not be a good idea to stay in the relationship. For example, if you suspect your spouse is harboring negative feelings toward you, but they haven’t acted in a way that is toxic or abusive, it may be helpful to try addressing the situation. Some methods of doing this may include:
- Sitting down with your spouse and explaining what you’ve noticed in their behavior
- Explaining how their behavior makes you feel
- Expressing your concerns about what their behavior means for your relationship
- Listening actively and patiently
- Considering marriage counseling if needed
If your spouse has threatened you, physically hurt you, or engaged in other abusive behaviors, finding a safe way to get out of the situation may be the better option. If you or someone you know is experiencing any form of abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to contact at any time at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Why does my husband despise me so much?
It may be worth remembering that the reasons for resentment or other negative emotions in a relationship can vary. If your spouse appears to be showing negative feelings toward you, there might be a few reasons, such as:
- Trouble with communication
- Outside stressors, such as work problems or financial strain
- Unresolved conflicts in the relationship
- Unhealthy relationship dynamics
- An underlying mental health condition, like borderline personality disorder
- Conflicting life goals, or conflicting opinions on big decisions
If your spouse hasn’t told you they despise you, and they haven’t shown unhealthy or abusive behaviors, then addressing the underlying issue, whether through therapy or communication, may be helpful. That said, it can be important to remember that if your spouse tells you they despise you, screams at you, or uses other unhealthy communication methods, these may be red flags of an unhealthy relationship.
How do I know if my husband is unhappy in our marriage?
There may not always be universal telltale signs that a spouse is unhappy in a marriage. That said, it can be helpful to look for a decrease in the kinds of behaviors that are often found in happy marriages. For example, if your spouse always finds excuses to avoid spending time together, or no longer displays affection toward you, these may be signs of an underlying issue.
Some other general signs that someone may be unhappy in a marriage include:
- No longer showing interest in their spouse’s life, goals, or hobbies
- Minimizing time spent in the same place as their spouse
- Displaying closed-off body language toward their spouse, like avoiding eye contact or turning away from them
- No longer showing interest in intimacy
- No longer expressing love the way they used to
- Avoiding or minimizing communication with their spouse
It may be worth remembering that these signs may not always point to unhappiness in a marriage. Stress, mental illness, life challenges, and various other things may also contribute to these sorts of behaviors. This is why, if you fear there might be an issue, it can be important to communicate with your spouse.
How do I ignore my husband who hurt me?
Firstly, it can be important to remember that intentionally physically hurting your spouse or partner is wrong. This is considered a form of abuse. In some cases, hurting your spouse emotionally can also be considered a form of abuse. In these situations, ignoring your spouse may not be advisable. The better course of action is generally to find a safe way out of the situation. (If you are experiencing any kind of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at any time.)
That said, it is also possible for a spouse to unintentionally or indirectly hurt someone’s feelings. Even so, giving them the silent treatment is generally not the best approach, even if you believe you have a good reason. This strategy can lead to resentment and prevent you from resolving the issue. Open communication, active listening, and, if needed, speaking to a professional may be better strategies.
What should you not tolerate from a husband?
Different people may have criteria for what they won’t tolerate from a spouse. For some people, certain behaviors are unacceptable no matter what. Others may be willing to continue the marriage if the behaviors are addressed and don’t happen again. This typically depends on the couple and the situation.
Examples of behaviors that people typically don’t tolerate from spouses include:
- Cheating
- Dishonesty
- Substance misuse
- Extreme or explosive mood swings
- Neglect of the relationship
These are a few examples of things a person might consider unacceptable in a marriage. While these may vary somewhat, it can be important to remember that abuse of any kind is never okay.
How do you know when to end a marriage?
Deciding it’s time to end a marriage can be highly personal. Often, the decision to end a marriage is due to various factors, although it may sometimes be due to a single issue. Couples often decide to divorce after their attempts to repair the relationship have failed, although this is not always the case.
Some factors that might be worth considering when deciding if it’s time to end a marriage include:
- How long the marriage challenges have been going on
- Whether you still have romantic feelings for your partner
- Whether there are patterns of unhealthy behavior, such as repeated infidelity
- Whether your life goals are the same as your partner’s
- Whether you’ve already sought relationship counseling
- Whether or not you still trust your partner
- How well you think you can still communicate with your partner
If you think your marriage might be in trouble but you aren’t sure how to proceed, it may also be worth talking to a therapist or marriage counselor.
How do you survive a hateful marriage?
Surviving a marriage where there are feelings of hatred or resentment can be challenging, and in some cases, staying married may not be the best option. If either spouse is no longer interested in the marriage, or is unwilling to address the issue, then trying to save the marriage might not work. Staying married may even end up having the opposite effect by fostering more negative feelings.
That said, a few strategies for managing a hateful marriage may include:
- Reflecting on the reasons for the negative feelings
- Communicating with each other honestly, patiently, and with empathy, while avoiding assigning blame
- Using active listening to understand each other’s perspective
- Maintaining a strong support system of friends and loved ones
- Prioritizing self-care
- Seeking professional help
- Reflecting on whether both people really want to continue the marriage
If there has been any abuse in the marriage, it can be important to get help. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline are available 24/7 if you or someone you know is experiencing any kind of abuse.
How do you survive an unloving marriage?
It can be distressing to feel as though there is no love in your marriage anymore. That said, if there hasn’t been abuse in the relationship, it may be possible to rekindle the romance and find a way forward. Some strategies for doing this may include:
- Taking stock of the relationship with your spouse and discussing possible areas of improvement
- Prioritizing healthy and open communication
- Prioritizing quality time together and having new experiences with each other whenever possible
- Reflecting on why you loved each other in the first place
- Regularly expressing affection toward one another
- Practicing self-care and tending to your mental health
- Seeking outside support if needed
These methods may be helpful for rekindling romance in a relationship that feels like it’s lost the spark. That said, bringing love back into a marriage may depend on both partners wanting to rekindle the romance and being willing to put in an effort. If both partners aren’t equally motivated, one partner no longer wants to be in the relationship, or there was never a foundation of love in the first place, then it may be worth considering whether it’s worth staying in the marriage.
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