Addressing Gendered Double Standards In Parenting For Family Health

Double standards in parenting are typically rooted in traditional notions of gender, family, and other cultural and social norms. Over time, these standards and the parenting attitudes held by family members can impact the mental health of people who are subject to them. Below, we’ll describe what double standards in parenting can look like, plus five strategies that may help empower people who experience their effects to create more equity in their family relationships.

What are gendered double standards in parenting?

As a standalone concept, a double standard is a rule or principle applied unfairly in different ways to different people or groups. Double standards in parenting, in particular, may be applied to parenting roles or parent/caregiver expectations and parental concerns about their children, depending on the context. In the scope of this article, we’ll primarily be discussing double standards in parenting roles.

In addition to gender identity, a person’s upbringing, religion, and culture can influence the attitudes they develop and the pressures they face in relation to dating, sex, premarital cohabitation, and other lifestyle-based concepts that may later influence their parenting style. 

How double standards show up in everyday family life

Double standards can show up in many ways, including how other parents view and expect behaviors based on traditional gender norms. Some examples of common, gender-based double standards in parenting among opposite-sex parents include things like:

• Fathers watching their children alone is referred to as “babysitting.”
• Other women offering to assist a father taking care of a child, assuming a man's child may not be properly taken care of.
• A family's own kids holding higher expectations of support and encouragement from their mother and lower expectations from their father.
• Expecting a man’s child to appreciate activities the father enjoys, such as fishing or football.
• Parents allowing adolescent males greater freedom than their female siblings.
• Mothers being expected to perform the bulk of the household labor, even if they also work outside the home.
• Mothers being expected to do the bulk of the family’s social labor, from arranging playdates and vacations to forming family friendships.
• Holding differing standards for beauty and appearance between fathers and mothers.
• Offering encouragement for a girl to look "pretty" or a boy to look "smart."
• Changing tables for infants often only being found in public restrooms intended for those who identify as women and not public restrooms intended for those who identify as men (the so-called "men's room").

Where do parenting double standards come from?

Parenting double standards are often an extension of entrenched cultural values, attitudes, and social norms passed down from generations. Often, these norms are conditioned from an early age, so that many individuals continue to associate and expect certain behaviors based on gender. These double standards can be further reinforced through media representations and mainstream societal norms. Research also suggests that there can be many stereotypes related to gender, even as estimates demonstrate variability that can be subtle or overt depending on the context. 

For instance, some notions about what constitutes "a bad mother" include:

• Prioritizing one's career 
• Not being the primary caretaker 
• Feeling unfulfilled as a primary caretaker
• Making unconventional choices in one’s own life

How double standards can be perpetuated

Parenting attitudes related to gender expectations can lead to family members being treated differently, even when social norms change over time. While norms can be fluid, parental attitudes can sometimes contradict a parent's intentions to raise their children more equitably. For example, parents with three kids of differing genders who aim to set the same expectations for all their children can still model behaviors that reinforce inequities. 

What research says about gendered parenting norms

Research indicates that gender-based power hierarchies within families are still prevalent, though they are often shaped by intersecting factors. For example, parenting expectations can be shaped by the interplay of class, education, worldview, and values.

Moreover, older research suggests there can be double standards in attitudes towards family formation behaviors of sons and daughters, though this can vary across substantive domains. The researchers of this study provide empirical estimates, using a random assignment experiment to control the effects of socially desirable behaviors. The researchers argue key methodological limitations of other studies led to an underestimation of gendered double standards in parenting attitudes, concluding that double standards are still prevalent. The researchers also noted that socialization of children with double standards can further reinforce gender role attitudes and behaviors. Below are some findings from this research, which reveal key factors contributing to attitudes towards dating behaviors: 

• There can be stricter monitoring of daughters when dating
• Differing perceptions of appropriateness of non-sexual behaviors in daughters versus sons
• Parents preferring earlier marriages for daughters

How gendered double standards affect children

Gender-based parental attitudes can have wide-ranging effects on children. When children are treated differently based on their gender, they can internalize unhealthy ways of managing emotions, which can affect their self-esteem and mental health. This may be the case, for example, when boys are encouraged to suppress emotions. Gendered double standards can also limit children's potential by restricting the range of interests and opportunities they seek. Over the long-term, gender-based parenting can influence children's sense of identity and self-worth and perpetuate gender norms in future relationships. 

How gendered double standards affect parents

The maintenance of gender roles and inequities may result in double standards that affect both parents and children. For example, many women experience more pressure than men related to caregiving expectations, or they may be treated differently by other women if they prioritize their career. Some of the common ways gender identity and gender roles may impact parenting include the following:

Uneven distribution of household chores

In traditional, heterosexual parenting models, the male partner typically maintained a full-time job while the female partner was primarily responsible for raising the children and taking care of most or all household tasks (grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, emotional support, etc.). This model is still pervasive today. Even women in opposite-sex partnerships who work part- or full-time outside the home are often still expected to handle the majority of the domestic labor. As a Gallup poll from 2020 reports, “In households where married or partnered mothers and fathers both work full time, the wives are more likely than their husbands to take the lead” on household tasks.

Stigmatization of people without children

Historically, parenthood has generally been viewed as a “biological instinct” and a socially praised decision for women, which stands in contrast to traditional and even modern societal views on this topic for men. Because of this framework, those who identify as women and choose to be child-free may experience more stigmatization and judgment than those who identify as men and make the same decision.

Unrealistic expectations 

When a woman becomes a mother, she may face high expectations to be conventionally “attractive,” return to her “pre-pregnancy” body, and conform to other beauty ideals. While women are expected to remain “fit” or thin and beautiful as parents or risk judgment, men are often given societal permission or even praise for having a “dad bod,” a colloquial term referring to what predominant standards would categorize as a “less-fit” body type. That said, the “dad bod” and other body categorizations can also be harmful to or weaponized against men in some other contexts. Across genders, these portrayals can complicate parents’ relationships with their bodies, food intake, exercise, and self-esteem.

It’s important to note that trans and non-binary birthing parents may also face these in addition to many other unique challenges that pertain to pregnancy and appearance standards—not to mention systemic barriers to parental healthcare and related difficulties.

Different approaches to parenting

According to a 2023 report on parenting by the Pew Research Center, mothers are more likely to describe themselves as overprotective and inclined to “give in” to their children’s desires. Fathers are more likely to say they give too much freedom to their children, but also that they’re more likely to report being too inflexible with their demands or rules. These self-reported behaviors can be linked to traditional gender roles prescribed by society.

Gender norms can affect physical health

Parenting can affect a person’s mental and physical health, with gender norms potentially adding strain. In the 2023 Pew Research report cited above, mothers were more likely to report feeling tired, stressed, and worried about a host of parenting-related concerns. For example, nearly half of the mothers surveyed (46%) said they were extremely or very worried about their children experiencing anxiety or depression at some point compared to 32% of fathers. 

Since non-male parents are often expected to engage in more or most of the emotional labor in a family, they may be more at risk for mental health challenges like stress and anxiety. Physical health problems can be more likely to affect women in opposite-sex couples too, since they’re often tasked with more household labor and, as such, busier schedules. This can make it difficult to find time for their own self-care or healthy habits.

Recognizing double standards in your own parenting

Gendered double standards in parenting and parenting attitudes can invite reflection for caregivers. These reflections can also point to areas that can be addressed. If you are concerned that your household may not be as equitable as you'd like, consider the following questions:

• When my son is upset, do I encourage the suppression of emotions?
• Do I use different language to describe behaviors based on their gender? For example, when my daughter is assertive, do I see it as "bossy"? 
• Do I restrict the range of activities/toys they interact with?
• Do I expect my daughter to be "nicer" and more sociable than my son?
• Do I model gender roles through my own behavior?

Strategies to promote fairness in parenting

For many parents, achieving fairness in parenting can be a delicate balance. Whenever possible, creating shared expectations between caregivers and modelling equity for children can help address unequal dynamics. Additionally, responding consistently to similar behaviors can help children learn that those behaviors elicit equal responses. The following five strategies for fairness can help parents work toward this balance and adjust unfair double standards. 

Make a list of household responsibilities

If you’d like to distribute household tasks more evenly with your other partner, co-parent, some experts recommend making a complete list of every chore and errand in your household. In addition to basic duties like cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping, the list may also include important but less visible tasks like arranging playdates, making medical appointments for the children, buying birthday presents and planning parties, and shopping for new clothes for the kids.

Once you’ve compiled the list, discuss each duty with your partner and determine who typically completes each task. It may be surprising to realize the volume of work one parent routinely does. By reviewing and honestly discussing this information, you may be able to establish clearer expectations of each parent’s responsibilities as well as your children’s chores and other contributions. 

Acknowledge double standards when you encounter them 

Many double standards are perpetuated by people outside of a family making comments. Pointing out these unfair comments may help the person saying them understand why they’re problematic and stop making them. For example, calling mothers who also work outside the home “working moms” but calling fathers who also work just “dads” is an example of a double standard perpetuated by language. Referring to a male partner who works as a “working dad” or both partners as “parents who also work outside the home” could help highlight this. Pushing back on such comments may help gradually create change in social thinking around these topics.

Create a shared calendar or “family plan”

A “family plan” can refer to an informal document or calendar system parents and caregivers can use to organize their chores and life events. In the context of a discussion on double standards, it can help ensure that responsibilities are more evenly divided. It can be more than just a calendar listing soccer games and piano recitals; instead, it may also include both daily and longer-term responsibilities such as chores, medical appointments, family vacations, and more. Sitting down to write out these plans and events and then divvy up the labor according to schedules and energy levels can help parents reconnect, plan ahead, and identify and remedy any uneven distribution of family responsibilities. 

Be mindful of behaviors and attitudes you’re modeling

Kids look to their parents and other adults for support and direction from an early age. They tend to absorb what they see modeled and internalize it as the right way to do things. That’s why being mindful of what you’re showing your children in regard to the division of household labor, gender roles for parents, and similar topics can be powerful. Helping change the way the next generation thinks about these equality-related issues through leading by example can be a powerful way to make an impact.

When gender-neutral parenting may help

Gender neutral parenting is an approach to parenting that aims to challenge traditional gender roles and norms and encourage more equality, self-expression, and creativity. Gender-neutral practices can offer a way to counter gender biases in parenting. By exposing children to a range of toys and activities without guiding them to choose one over the other, children may explore their interests more freely. Encouraging healthy emotional expression can also foster healthy emotional development and self-regulation. Modelling behaviors, such as a father cooking and cleaning and a mother fixing things, can also reduce gender stereotypes. 

Limitations of gender-neutral approaches

As well as benefits, gender-neutral parenting can also present challenges, such as criticism from other parents, peer pressure to conform, and contrasting messages from society. However, parents can support children and help them navigate challenges through open, age-appropriate communication regarding gender, gender expression, and gender fluidity. 

Consult a therapist for family advice and support in navigating biases

While some families may be able to address double standards in their own lives by communicating more clearly with each other, others may benefit from more personalized strategies and support. A licensed therapist can act as a helpful resource in devising such strategies and helping individuals shift perspectives on traditional expectations to achieve greater and more equitable balance in their relationships. A therapist can also help families examine their own biases and find alternatives. They can also help their clients sharpen communication skills and work on other skills that may improve their partnerships.

Getting support through BetterHelp

Both in-person and online therapy can be powerful tools for supporting parents, helping them navigate guilt, conflict, and parental concerns. However, an increasing number of clients are now choosing online therapy due to the convenience it offers. Online therapy can allow people to attend sessions without the need for travel, which can be particularly beneficial for busy parents juggling many responsibilities. Engaging in therapy online can also be more affordable than in-person meetings, as it typically eliminates expenses associated with transportation and reduces the overhead costs providers must pay and incorporate into their rates.

Researchers have been examining the effectiveness of online therapy in recent years, largely finding that it can be highly effective in addressing a variety of mental health concerns and challenges. For example, the results of one 2020 psychosocial group intervention for parents suggest that attending therapy online can help reduce the symptoms of depression and anxiety in caregivers and may also improve their adaptive coping strategies. For parents who are experiencing stress related to double standards, unequal distribution of responsibilities, relationship challenges, or simply the daily stressors of running a household or raising a family, online therapy can represent a viable option for seeking emotional support.