What Is The Difference Between Authoritative And Authoritarian Parenting?

Medically reviewed by Laura Angers Maddox
Updated March 19, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

While the names are quite similar and come from the same root, authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles present opposite sides of the same concept—control—as methods to interact with your children. From the early newborn days through the moody adolescent years and into adulthood, your parenting style can leave a lasting impact on your children. Read on to learn about authoritarian and authoritative parenting styles, their differences, and how therapy can help you learn better ways to relate to your child. 

Authoritarian parent angry at teenage son

Is your parenting style healthy and effective?

What are parenting styles?

According to established psychiatric history, parenting styles refer to the methods parents use to control and socialize their children, including many elements, such as boundaries, affection, expectations, guidance, the family dynamic, and emotional climate. Each style is measured by how responsive (attentive and caring) and demanding (controlling and strict) parents are with their children. 

Psychologist Diana Baumrind introduced parenting styles in the 1960s. These are the most commonly defined.

  • Authoritarian Parenting—High Demand, Low Response 
  • Authoritative Parenting—High Demand, High Response 
  • Permissive Parenting—Low Demand, High Response 
  • Neglectful or Uninvolved Parenting—Low Demand, Low Response 

Parenting can be as individual an experience as the children being raised, and no one-size-fits-all approach is perfect for everyone. Few people fit neatly into one parenting style and most often show elements from multiple types.

How attachment theory influences parenting style

Psychologist John Bowlby first proposed the evolutionary psychological attachment theory in the 1940s to help explain how humans form relationships with each other. He believed people form attachments as a survival mechanism, and the theory states that how caregivers treat someone as an infant and through childhood can influence how they relate to others for the rest of their lives. Bowlby and fellow psychologist Mary Salter Ainsworth later developed the four primary attachment styles: secure, preoccupied (anxious), dismissive (avoidant), and fearful (disorganized). 

Childhood abuse, neglect, or trauma can lead to a person developing one of the insecure attachment styles, which can lead to several mental health conditions, social difficulties, and relationship instability later in life. Your attachment style can also impact your parenting and, through you, how your children will parent in the future. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Authoritarian parenting overview and outcomes

Authoritarian parents are seen as overly strict, serving as their children’s dictators, demanding unquestioning obedience while maintaining excessive control and lacking warmth and affection. 

Characteristics of authoritarian parenting include

  • One-way communication where the parental and child roles are clear. All the power is with the parents, who don’t often explain rules, and children are rarely given choices. 
  • Extremely, often impossibly, high standards with dire consequences for disappointment. 
  • Failure is not an option. 
  • Home life is very strict, with little ability to negotiate limits. 
  • Harsh consequences for misbehavior
  • Demanding parents with high expectations and rigid boundaries without explanation but little in the way of affection or emotional support. 

How authoritarian parenting affects children

Children of authoritarian parents generally grow up well-behaved because they were punished severely for misbehavior. However, they may exhibit difficulty controlling their anger, trouble making decisions, and a tendency toward rebellious behavior as they get older. They may find it easier to work in a group dynamic with a clear authority figure and easily conform to others’ standards. These children may also associate obedience with love and tend toward dependent behaviors. 

Authoritative parenting overview and outcomes

Authoritative parents are typically seen as offering reasonable demands and a high level of responsive affection. 

Characteristics of authoritative parenting include

  • Open, constructive communication where the child is allowed to express opinions, but the parent has the final say. Children are given age-appropriate choices and responsibilities. 
  • Clear, realistic standards and practical consequences for not acting as expected 
  • Failure is an opportunity to learn. 
  • Home life includes rules, guidance, and the freedom to make mistakes and learn. 
  • Parents use positive discipline to reinforce acceptable behavior. 
  • Parents have high but attainable expectations, which are explained, and offer their support and guidance to children as they grow. 

How authoritative parenting affects children

Children of authoritative parents generally become well-adjusted, confident adults able to function freely in society. This parenting style may produce children with higher self-esteem who value independence and regularly use creative thinking to solve problems. After a lifetime of comfort with discussing thoughts and feelings, these children are more likely to have increased emotional intelligence and literacy. 

Authoritative parent tickling her daughter

What is the ideal parenting style?

The authoritative parenting style is generally considered ideal due to the inclusion of parental guidance and expectations alongside age-appropriate responsibility and nurturing emotional support. Studies show that children can benefit from healthy limits that offer the room to make and learn from mistakes, clearly defined roles between parent and child, and a strong bond built on open communication. 

A medical journal paper about parenting styles noted that “an authoritative parenting style has consistently been associated with positive developmental outcomes in youth…and academic achievement.”

Comparing authoritarian and authoritative parenting 

Punishment and discipline

Authoritarian: Punishments tend to be harsh and more for the sake of shaming bad behavior than reinforcing good behavior. Children may be punished for even the slightest infraction and often disproportionately for the offense.  

Authoritative: These parents approach misbehavior with the intent to learn and grow from mistakes. Bad behavior is met with an explanation of why it was wrong and the consequences for repeated occurrences. Punishments tend to be fair, without shame and focused on doing better in the future. 

Demands and expectations

Authoritarian: Ruling their kingdoms with iron control, authoritarian parents have strict demands and exacting expectations for their children, much like recruits in the military. Children are to obey without question. 

Authoritative: Expectations and rationale are explained, and children are allowed to express their feelings, though parents do not change rules merely due to disagreement. Demands tend to change depending on the child’s age and ability. 

Freedom and boundaries

Authoritarian: Children are given little freedom and expected to remain within steadfast limits. Obedience is framed as a highly desirable trait. 

Authoritative: Children are encouraged to be independent and make appropriate choices (and mistakes) for their age to learn how to handle disappointment and failure. They are given flexible boundaries that shift as they age and the support to learn from mistakes.

How to adapt a positive parenting style

While it can take a while and much effort to change your parenting style, it can be done if you notice patterns you don’t like in your behavior or your children’s reactions. Working with a therapist can help you identify unhealthy attitudes and beliefs, replacing them with more constructive patterns. They may suggest some of the following tips.

  • Teach them to talk to you early in life and maintain those open lines of communication. 
  • Establish clearly defined parent and child roles and expectations. 
  • Offer children choices and independence appropriate to their age. 
  • Maintain parental authority while remaining fair and listening to your child’s experiences. 
  • Set well-defined rules and consistently enforce them. 
  • Communicate how you expect your children to behave. 

Reach out for support

Help is available if there are problems with your parenting strategies. Your primary goal should be to raise a healthy, happy child capable of managing their emotions and functioning in the “real world” as an adult. Many people need help to get there. The first step is recognizing and admitting that your current parenting style may not be the healthiest choice for you or your child. Family therapy can strengthen your family dynamic, and individual therapy can help you replace negative patterns and ideas with more constructive examples. 

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Is your parenting style healthy and effective?

How therapy can help you relate to your children

No matter your parenting style, it can sometimes feel like you don’t know how to relate to your children. Working with a therapist can teach you communication and parenting skills, help you examine your parenting style, and look for ways to improve. Many people choose virtual therapy platforms like BetterHelp for treatment due to flexible appointment formats, reduced costs and wait time, and increased availability and convenience. 

According to recent research, online attachment-based family therapy has been a popular and effective alternative to treatment in the traditional office setting. For those seeking individual therapy, online CBT treatments have been an effective and convenient option, with younger people more comfortable in the virtual environment often showing better results. 

Takeaway

Parenting is often relentlessly challenging, and adopting a consistent, effective method to support and relate to your children can bolster the parent-child relationship and make future positive outcomes more likely. The information outlined in this article may help you identify your style as a parent or guardian and provide a basis for where to start if therapy sounds like a viable solution for your family.
Explore the complexities of parenting in therapy
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