What Is Self-Sabotaging, And What Are Its Mental Health Impacts?

Understanding self-sabotage and its emotional impact

Most people have a natural inclination to behave in ways that ensure their own success. They work toward their goals, avoid negative thought patterns, and care for their bodies and minds. But even the most well-intentioned and successful individuals can sometimes do things to impede their own progress or cause themselves emotional pain. Self-sabotaging, also known as engaging in self-defeating behaviors, is the act of undermining oneself, knowingly or unknowingly, through negative actions. 

Most people have engaged in self-sabotaging behavior at some point in life. However, when self-defeating habits and behaviors become ingrained, this can negatively impact our mental health, self-esteem, and self-confidence. For some, a self-sabotaging pattern can be a coping mechanism, a way of alleviating mental health concerns related to fear, self-identity, or conflict. Others may engage in self-destructive behaviors because of experiences with past relationships, failed endeavors, or related challenges.

This article explores self-sabotage and its potential influence on our lives. 

What is self-sabotaging behavior? Examples of self-sabotage

Self-sabotaging behavior is that which can hurt our ability to progress, reach our goals, or achieve self-realization. Self-destructiveness can cause serious harm, leading to unhealthy habits and negative beliefs that may make an individual less likely to pursue growth. Often, people who engage in self-defeating actions are not aware that they are doing things to hurt their chances of fulfillment or success. In some cases, though, people perpetuate self-sabotaging patterns even with conscious awareness of what they’re doing wrong. 

To better understand what it means to self-sabotage, it may be helpful to read a few examples of situations involving self-sabotaging.

Procrastination can be a form of sabotaging yourself

Procrastination can be a common example of self-sabotaging. While procrastinating occasionally can be understandable, making it a habit to put things off until the last minute can be harmful.

For example, if you have a job interview tomorrow, you may think that you’ll do better during the interview if you research the company and maybe practice some interview questions with a friend. But in the back of your mind, you might feel that you’re not good enough for the job or won’t do well in the interview, so you put less effort into preparing. Then, once it’s time for the interview, your lack of preparation leads to you not getting the job. 

It may sting to not get the job you wanted. However, repeated self-sabotaging behavior can be more painful if similar situations happen frequently.

Self-sabotaging or self-destructive behavior can happen in all areas of life, such as school, work, social life, and relationships. 

Self-sabotage in love and relationships

Another common way some people self-sabotage can be with love and dating. Some individuals may find themselves desiring a romantic relationship while also believing that they’re unlovable. They may self-sabotage by avoiding dating altogether, affirming the inner belief that no one could love them or want to be with them, or they may act destructively in a relationship by cheating or being emotionally unavailable to their partner. 

People who self-sabotage don’t want to be unhappy. Some people may not realize their destructive behavior and that they’re standing in their own way. 

Often, self-sabotaging habits are deeply ingrained, related to low self-esteem, or a type of defense mechanism. Below, we’ll explore more about why we self-sabotage. 

Examples of self-sabotaging behaviors

At their core, self-sabotaging behaviors lead to negative impacts or consequences for individuals who engage in them.

Common examples of self-sabotaging behaviors

Common examples of self-sabotage include:

• Procrastination (preventing yourself from succeeding or being prepared)
• Defensiveness (pushing people away or being unable to take constructive criticism)
• Perfectionism (creating unreachable standards for yourself)
• Self-medicating (developing a reliance on substances like drugs or alcohol instead of addressing their behavior)
• Refusing to ask for help
• Picking fights or creating conflict in relationships
• Engaging in negative self-talk
• Avoiding others or isolating oneself
• Neglecting your needs
• Overspending

Root causes of self-sabotaging Patterns: Why we self-sabotage

Understanding the root causes of self-destructive tendencies can help you avoid using them as a coping mechanism. There are many reasons people engage in destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors. Some people may have learned self-sabotaging behaviors as children. Someone who grew up in an abusive environment where they constantly had to be on the defense may have grown into a defensive and conflict-prone adult. The emotional pain of childhood trauma can cause people to struggle maintaining peaceful relationships. 

Adult relationships can also lead to unhelpful patterns. Past relationships in which abuse, emotional neglect, or other forms of mistreatment were present can cause someone to develop negative beliefs about their self-worth. These feelings may then lead to self-sabotage, even when they can see the damage their behaviors can cause. 

Other people may use self-sabotage as a coping mechanism. They might engage in self-destructive behaviors, like substance use, to distract themselves from past trauma (e.g., an abusive relationship) or painful feelings (e.g., self-doubt). Additionally, some individuals may find that their low self-esteem and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors have become ingrained in their attitudes, actions, or perceptions. 

How a pessimistic mindset fuels self-sabotage

People who engage in self-sabotaging patterns may have adopted a more pessimistic worldview or bias. Past experiences and ingrained self-destructive habits may make them see the world more fearfully or negatively. They may have come to believe that they’ll never be able to get that promotion, that they’ll never find love, or that life may be too difficult in general. 

Negative thought patterns often block individuals from growing, evolving, and experiencing positive changes. A person with a pessimistic mindset may not be aware that it is leading to constant fear, avoidance, and other tendencies that inhibit the growth process. Once they identify their limiting beliefs, they can start to break free of the self-destructive behaviors that are standing in the way of their own success.

How unrealistic expectations and negative beliefs drive self-sabotage

Setting unreachable goals can make failure more likely. For some people, it feels uncomfortable to set achievable objectives and create a plan for completing them. They may start to feel pressure associated with increasing responsibilities and obligations. Or they might start to believe that the only way for them to achieve their goals is through certain unrealistic expectations. They may—either unknowingly or with conscious awareness—set goals in a way that makes failure more palatable. For example, if an inexperienced runner decides to complete a marathon with only a month’s training, they may be able to let themselves off the hook when they fail. They might really want to become a skilled runner, but they are self-sabotaging by creating unrealistic expectations.\

Some people may be afraid of disappointing others, so they undermine their own efforts. For other people, self-sabotage can occur due to negative beliefs about the quality of one’s work. For example, people who are perfectionists may become frustrated when a task isn’t executed flawlessly. Over time, individuals with these habits may develop negative thought patterns, reinforcing the unhelpful behaviors (e.g., “I need to be perfect”; “I always screw things up”).

Self-sabotaging and mental health

When we self-sabotage, we may often feel bad about ourselves. Say you procrastinated studying for a test and didn’t do as well as your classmates. 

Upon seeing a bad score, you may think, “I’m so stupid,” or “I’ll never be good at this subject.” 

While these things aren’t true, the more you tell yourself these things, the more you may start to believe them. In this way, self-sabotaging can create an endless cycle of self-loathing and negative feelings about yourself. 

When we self-sabotage, we can feel like we can’t reach any of the goals we’ve set for ourselves. 

Feeling like we can’t achieve any of our goals can be immensely demoralizing and can have a significantly negative impact on our mental health.

When we self-sabotage, it may feel like we’re saving ourselves from the pain of potential failure. Instead, it can put us in a cycle of negative emotions about ourselves, which can lead to negative consequences that appear to affirm those beliefs.

The link between self-sabotage and emotional avoidance

The desire to avoid uncomfortable feelings is the catalyst for many people’s self-destructive behaviors. These individuals may be afraid to confront the emotional pain associated with strenuous effort, potential failure, and growth. So, they avoid pain by engaging in self-defeating behaviors. For example, an employee who is supposed to give an important presentation at work may put off preparing because of anxiety. Avoidance of anxious feelings is a coping mechanism that may cause their presentation to fail in the end.

Some individuals may seek to ignore what is wrong in their lives by creating a more immediate concern, no matter the added difficulty involved. While this form of self-sabotage can be a distraction from difficult emotions, it can also cause these feelings to come out in negative ways. An individual who feels uncomfortable or scared may also engage in riskier avoidance behaviors, such as self-harm. Research suggests that emotional avoidance is linked to self-injury. 

How self-sabotage can affect relationships and well-being

Self-sabotage can hurt not only the individual engaging in the harmful acts, but their loved ones as well. Self-defeating behaviors may manifest as conflict in a family relationship, friendship, or romantic relationship. And these actions can contribute to a range of dysfunctional relationship patterns. For example, someone who self-sabotages by avoiding uncomfortable feelings may also exhibit signs of emotional neglect or emotional disconnection in their relationships.

As discussed above, past relationships can contribute to self-destructive behaviors. A person who experienced an emotionally taxing or abusive relationship may feel that they aren’t deserving of support. They may intentionally frustrate the efforts of loved ones who genuinely want to provide them with compassion and care, causing them pain and potentially making them emotionally drained.    

Stop sabotaging yourself to improve mental health

It is possible to stop self-sabotaging and break free of behavior that may cause you to stand in the way of your own success. It may be helpful to first think about which ways you self-sabotage, whether it’s procrastination, substance use, or whatever may get in your way of feeling happy, to better understand how to stop the behavior. For example, you may identify certain situations in which you tend to start taking risks instead of making consistent progress toward your goal. As you become more aware of self-destructive behaviors, you may notice a substantial increase in the growth process.  

Building self-confidence through small daily promises

If you tend to procrastinate or feel like you never reach your goals, one thing that can help you build your self-confidence may be keeping one small promise to yourself each day. 

This promise shouldn’t be something out of reach or unpleasant. It can be as simple as drinking a glass of water as soon as you wake up each day. 

Once you keep this promise to yourself and create this healthy habit, you might begin to build trust in yourself that you can reach your goals. Eventually, you can make bigger and bigger goals to achieve each day.

Using journaling to understand and overcome self-sabotage

You may also benefit from journaling about your self-sabotaging behavior and gaining more insight into your motivations around the behavior. You can write out your goals and what behaviors and thoughts you may have that get in the way of your goal. 

Once you’ve gained a better understanding of what’s going on, you can write out a plan of action to end your self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. For example, if low self-esteem causes you to engage in self-dustructive acts, you might find a way to remind yourself of your skills and positive qualities. Once you feel worthy of support, you may be more likely to engage in behaviors that foster personal growth and overall well-being.     

Building self-awareness and taking intentional action

Emotional intelligence can be a vital tool when you’re looking to make positive changes and foster personal growth. You can build self-awareness by learning to identify negative thoughts as they arise, then replacing them with positive ones. Try to develop conscious awareness of how underlying beliefs contribute to your overall well-being. Do certain thought patterns cause you to feel stressed, unworthy, or sad? What beliefs lead to feelings of confidence, security, and contentment?

Once you’ve developed self-awareness, you can take intentional action to practice self-compassion and promote growth. Try to make a plan for how you’ll address self-defeating behaviors in the future. For example, if you tend to use social media as a distraction from work, look for apps or browser plug-ins that block these sites on your devices. Try to also build in habits that can reinforce productive behaviors. For example, research suggests that exercising in the morning can promote not only physical and mental well-being but also self-regulation.

Seeking professional help to address self-sabotaging behaviors

If your self-sabotage comes in the form of substance use, interpersonal conflicts, or another type of self-defeating behavior, it may be beneficial to work with a mental health professional or, in the case of substance use, seek treatment. A mental health professional may identify self-destructive patterns you hadn’t noticed before. They can also help you consistently practice self-compassion, reinforcing the notion that you’re worthy of personal growth. 

Relationship therapy may be a helpful approach for an individual who would like to explore how self-sabotage has impacted their partner. For example, a couples therapist may help participants see how a prior abusive relationship is causing one partner to shut down emotionally. By seeking professional help, the couple can help address emotional neglect and foster mental well-being. 

When self-defeating behaviors are deeply ingrained or life-threatening, getting professional help may be a more effective way to find the root of the cause and begin to change thoughts and behaviors. 

How therapy can help

Self-sabotaging behaviors are often rooted in past experiences. It may be helpful to delve into the past to discover when self-sabotage began and what role it served for us. From there, we can learn to be compassionate towards ourselves as we learn to stop self-destructive behaviors.

Working with a therapist to address habits of self-defeating behaviors can be an effective way to end self-sabotage. 

Therapy for overcoming self-sabotage and improving mental health

A mental health professional may use therapeutic interventions like cognitive behavioral therapy to help you reframe negative feelings (e.g., self-doubt or low self-esteem) and self-defeating behaviors so that you’re able to move forward with a more positive outlook.

Additionally, you can find therapy that works well with your lifestyle. Many people find online therapy a convenient option since they can receive care from the comfort of their home, avoiding long commutes or waiting room times. Studies show that online therapy can be as effective as traditional in-person therapy.