Getting Back With An Ex After A Breakup: Your Mental Health Guide

Medically reviewed by Dr. Jerry Crimmins, PsyD, LP

Updated March 5th, 2026 by BetterHelp Editorial Team

"I feel like I want to get back with an ex, is it the right thing to do?" Getting back together with an ex may be more common than you think. Studies show that many people may have experienced a relationship that ended and restarted at least once. If you’re considering returning to a past relationship, you may wish to give your ex time and space and to communicate openly and honestly. It may be best to avoid rushing things and expecting everything to be the same as in your past relationship. If you would like expert input on whether getting together is positive for your mental health, online couples therapy may be a beneficial tool for you.

Reasons people reunite with their exes post-breakup

The reason you’re interested in getting back together with the same person you dated before can provide some insight into whether it’s a good idea. If you want to rekindle things simply because you’re afraid of being alone or worry that you’ll struggle to find someone else, for instance, you may want to give it a second thought. Being in an unfulfilling or unhealthy relationship because you miss the other person’s company and comfort, or you fear loneliness and the unknown, may be a sign you need to get more comfortable with your own company and explore new opportunities in your life.

It can also be important to note that relationships with significant toxic elements, red flags, or even abusive patterns are generally unsafe to reenter, even if you believe that feelings of love or affection remain.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

If your relationship with your ex was safe and had more positives than negatives, it could be realistic to get your ex back after a breakup. To help you decide if that’s what’s best for you, you might take a critical, honest look at why your relationship ended and evaluate if "do exes come back" in your specific scenario. For example:

Did you break up with your ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner over something that looks trivial in hindsight, or have the major issues been resolved?
Have you both learned and grown since then, so you’re less at risk of running into the same roadblocks?
Do you think the relationship with this person still has the potential to give you both what you want?
Do you believe your partner is in the same place mentally and emotionally about starting a new chapter and giving things another try?

There’s no clear-cut ruling on whether getting back together with an old flame is the right move after a relationship ends. It’s generally important to be honest with yourself about why you want to get back with this man or woman in the first place. It can be helpful to do your best to separate emotion from the facts of the situation to avoid making the same mistakes again. Depictions of romance in pop culture can lead us to imagine that getting back together is always the best option. Try to see the former romantic connection for what it truly was so that you can avoid the common tendency to idealize the past.

One study suggests that couples in cyclical (or “on again, off again”) relationships often show a pattern of negative outcomes, which can cause a person to feel emotionally tired. The research found that these couples tend to be more impulsive about major relationship transitions and less satisfied with their partners. They also tend to have poorer communication, lower self-esteem, and higher uncertainty about their future together. Every couple can have a different story, but it's important to take responsibility for your part in the relationship's history.

The dos and don'ts

If you’ve decided that getting back together with your ex is what you truly want and is best for you, it can still be wise to proceed with caution. You might choose to take things one step at a time and consider the following tips to increase the chances of a successful relationship.

Do: Give your ex time and space for both partner's mental health and personal growth

A breakup can be an exhausting and damaging event for both you and your partner, and people often process things like this at different speeds. Some people may process the situation in a few months, while others may take more time or less time. Even if you feel ready to have a rekindled love with your ex, the same may not be true for them, and they may have their own issues with restarting the relationship. It’s generally important to think about your own needs and reassess what a healthy relationship means to you. You may also want to consider what you’d like to be different this time around, and—most importantly—why and if you want to get back together. It may not be possible to reunite with your ex unless they’re on the same page, so giving them (and yourself) time and space to process the breakup and think about the future can be key. You don’t have to have all the answers right away.

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Do: Communicate openly about your feelings post-breakup

When the time comes to meet up with your former partner and discuss potentially getting back together, open and honest communication is usually of the utmost importance. This may be your chance to be truthful about how you feel and what you want so you can start this new phase from a genuine place. You might want to discuss the following:

The main issue(s) that caused you to break up and how to resolve them if you haven’t already.
Pain points either of you held about the relationship previously, and how to handle them moving forward.
Both of your expectations about the future of the relationship.

Communicating honestly can be a key aspect of getting back with an ex and restarting a serious relationship. However, it may not be fun and can be difficult and sometimes painful, especially for couples who had communication problems in their previous relationship. Since some research has found that communication can be one of the most common reasons couples separate, failing to get it right early on can have significant implications for the future of your relationship.

If you feel you and your partner are communicating in the wrong way or may need guidance in improving your communication skills, a licensed marriage counselor or family therapist may be able to help. Relationship experts may be able to assist you in identifying unhealthy patterns or old habits and working to change them. They might also provide tools and strategies you can use to talk openly with your partner about your core values, listen to them, and decide whether a second chance at a committed relationship makes sense.

Don't: Rush things with emotional or physical intimacy

Generally speaking, being apart or being in conflict can feel uncomfortable. It might make you interested in getting back together after you go your separate ways, so things can go “back to normal.” However, you may need to recognize that you and your partner likely broke up for a reason. Rushing back into your relationship before you’ve taken the time to heal and rebuild can set you up for trouble because you might end up reverting to the same patterns that were unhealthy or unsatisfactory (i.e., the ones that led to your breakup in the first place). As a result, you may even feel more hurt if it doesn’t work out a second time.

If some elements of your dynamic need to change for you both to feel safe and happy, that likely won’t happen overnight, and expecting instant changes can lead to relationship churning, where you keep getting back with the same person repeatedly. Adjusting how you interact with your partner can take time, especially if the old patterns were the norm for years. If there were any hurtful words or actions exchanged before or during the breakup, one or both parties may also need time to heal from those—a process that generally can’t be rushed. Individuals might approach breakups differently and think about what matters to them in new relationships. For this reason, one of the most important qualities for you both to have if you reenter your relationship is patience and commitment.

Don't: Get stuck looking back or expect things to be the same after

One aspect of getting back together with an ex-partner that may feel exciting is the notion that all the things in your relationship can finally go back to the way they were. It may be important to note that there may be no such thing as a fresh restart, and this outlook may be both unrealistic and risky. First, as we’ve discussed, going back to the way your relationship was may not be in either of your best interests since you’ve likely broken up for a specific reason.

Second, things may have changed while you were apart. Depending on how long a break you’ve had before you started dating again, one or both of you may have:

Dated other people.
Changed and grown.
Developed new interests.
Realized something about who you are or what you want from a relationship.

Other changes might include new perspectives on sex, personal growth, or different life goals.

It's typically important to make space for what's different now, instead of holding onto what you want to be the same and looking at your past relationship through rose-colored glasses. Over time, embracing a new version of your relationship as friends may be possible. Most people and relationships are constantly evolving, so hoping or expecting things to return to normal might set you up for a world of disappointment.

Practical first steps before you talk to your ex

Before making the choice to begin talking with your ex again, it may be helpful to implement a few steps. Each person’s situation may be unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. You may consider implementing a self-reflection practice, spending time apart, and focusing on personal changes.

Do self-reflection and clarify your motives

Before you start talking with your ex again, it can help to spend time thinking and reflecting on your motives and goals. This can help ensure that you are not simply talking with them out of habit or obligation. Journaling and meditation are two ways to focus deeply on whether you should talk with your ex.

Spend time apart, imagine life as a new person, and list what must be different this time

If you recently broke up, it may be helpful to spend some time apart and imagine your life as a new person, without your ex. Sometimes a desire to start talking may be due to old habits rather than a true connection. If you do start talking, it may be helpful to set boundaries and create a list of things that must be different this time.

Work on personal changes before you start talking again

Taking time to work on personal changes can be a good way to transition after a relationship ends. You may focus on new hobbies, activities, or reaching personal goals. These can help create motivation and an identity that is separate from your old relationship.

How to restart the conversation

If you do decide to restart the conversation, it can be challenging to know where to begin. You may start setting new expectations or boundaries, and you may set rules about how each of you will talk with one another before starting. This can be a good place to try new skills or strategies when communicating, and it can be a place to evaluate if your ex is ready to accept your rules.

Although it can be natural to walk down memory lane, it may be important to do so without blame or getting into heavy topics. You may focus on lighter conversation at first to see how the conversation goes. It can be important to remember that you are in control of whether you want to talk with your ex or not.

Core challenges to address if you reunite

If you do decide to get back with an ex, there may be some challenges to address after you have started dating again. You may need to take a moment to address trust and develop a common set of core values. While these are important aspects of any serious relationship, they may be even more necessary if a relationship did not work out before. You may consider working with a therapist to implement trust-building strategies.

Before re-entering a committed relationship with your ex, you may also consider addressing external pressures or challenges as well. These can include finances, family expectations, and timing for getting back together. It may also be beneficial to discuss how you will measure progress over the course of your rekindled relationship.

Online therapy for relationship counseling and personal growth

Rekindling a relationship that ended at least once before can be an intimidating task. There are often many elements and emotions to take into consideration, and the danger of falling back into old, unhealthy patterns may be present. If you’re feeling overwhelmed about the decision of whether to get back together with your ex or how to do so once you’ve agreed on it, speaking with a therapist can help. You may prefer online therapy to traditional face-to-face therapy as it can enable you to attend sessions from home at a time that works for you.

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One study showed that couples who participated in an online therapy program reported higher relationship satisfaction and relationship confidence. Whether you seek therapy individually or with your partner, you may be able to gain some important insights about your relationship by talking with a neutral person.

Dr. Elizabeth Nyang, LCPC

I feel like she understands my needs and that she also tells me what I need to hear versus what I want to hear. She's very honest in her responses. She helped me realize that my relationship with my ex was extremely toxic and abusive, and that the best thing I could do for myself was find the strength to leave and not look back. She also had me do an exercise where I listed what my wants and expectations would be in my future relationship and how to set healthy boundaries for the next one."

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Takeaway

Returning to a relationship with a former partner can be a challenging decision, but taking the time to figure out what you want in a healthy relationship can be helpful. You may want to release any expectations that things will be the same as they were before, and you may want to avoid rushing things. In addition, it may be beneficial to focus on open, honest communication and give your former partner the time and space they need. If you’d like to speak with a licensed professional about your relationship, you may wish to consider online therapy.

Frequently asked questions

Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.

Is getting back together with an ex a bad idea for your mental health?

The decision to get back with an ex is complex and depends on several factors, including the nature and quality of the previous relationship.

Experts highlight that relationship patterns are crucial as they can significantly affect the trajectory of relationships moving forward. Understanding these patterns can provide insight into whether rekindling the relationship is a healthy choice.

One concept that experts often discuss is "relationship churning," which refers to couples repeatedly breaking up and reuniting. This pattern can be problematic as it may indicate unresolved issues, instability, or a cycle of unhealthy behaviors within the relationship. Continuously cycling through breakups and reconciliations can lead to emotional turmoil and hinder personal growth.

However, the scenario can be different for reconciled married couples. Studies have shown that some couples who give their marriage a second chance often remain in a relationship. This success can be attributed to various factors, such as a deeper commitment, better understanding of each other, or effective resolution of the issues that led to the initial breakup. A new foundation can give couples a fresh start to create a stronger, healthier relationship.

Whether reuniting with an ex is a good idea can depend on the specific circumstances. Key considerations may include the reasons for the original breakup, whether both parties have grown or changed since then, and if previous issues can be effectively addressed and resolved. It can be essential for individuals to critically assess their motives for wanting to reunite and to ensure that any decision to give the relationship a second chance is based on healthy, forward-looking reasons rather than comfort, fear of being alone, or unresolved emotional attachments.

Does getting back together after a breakup usually work?

Getting back with your ex can work if both parties are committed to creating a new, healthy relationship and have effectively addressed the issues that led to the initial breakup. It may be important to note that this may not be an easy fix for relationship problems. Instead, individuals should reflect on the relationship and determine if reuniting is truly in their best interest.

Reconciliation with an ex can also be complicated by lingering hurt, resentment, or mistrust. These emotions can significantly impact communication and trust within the relationship, making it challenging to move forward. Addressing these emotions through open and honest communication before attempting to reunite can be essential.

Another crucial aspect may be whether both parties have grown and changed since the initial breakup. If one or both individuals are still displaying unhealthy behaviors or patterns, it may be best to stay apart for the sake of personal growth and to avoid potential harm in a renewed relationship. If your partner cannot take responsibility for their actions or is unwilling to work on themselves, it may be a sign that reuniting is not the best idea.

While getting back with an ex can result in a successful relationship, it is not a guarantee. Both parties must put in the effort to rebuild trust, address issues, and create new healthy relationship patterns for it to work.

Should I forgive my ex and get back together?

Deciding whether to forgive your ex and reunite can be a significant decision that requires careful consideration. Be sure not to approach this situation with "rose-colored glasses," meaning don't overlook or romanticize the past issues of the relationship.

Idealizing what you had or ignoring the problems that led to the breakup can lead you to end up in the same place, repeating the same patterns and facing the same issues.

What are good reasons to get back with an ex?

Getting back with an ex can be a healthy and positive decision when both parties have addressed the root issues that led to the initial breakup. It can also be a good idea if:

There is still love and respect: If both individuals had a strong foundation of love and respect in their previous relationship, it could serve as a solid basis for reconciliation.
The relationship ended due to external factors: Sometimes, outside circumstances, such as long-distance, family pressure, or work commitments, can lead to a breakup. If these factors are no longer present or have been resolved, it may be worth considering reuniting.
There has been significant personal growth: If both individuals have taken the time apart to reflect and grow as individuals, they may come together with a better understanding of themselves and what they want in a relationship.
You have addressed and resolved past issues: If both parties have actively worked on resolving the problems that led to the breakup, it can be a positive sign for a healthy future relationship.

Sometimes, the relationship can be even better than it was before if both individuals are willing to put in the effort and have a clear understanding of their boundaries, expectations, and potential challenges. In such cases, reuniting can lead to a stronger, more mature, and fulfilling relationship.

How time apart can heal a relationship?

Time apart can be painful, especially if there are unresolved feelings and unfinished business between exes. However, it can also be an opportunity for growth, reflection, and healing.

Taking a break from a relationship can give both parties the space to work on themselves individually and address any personal issues that may have contributed to the problems in their relationship. It can also provide a clearer perspective on the dynamics of the previous relationship and whether it was toxic or unhealthy.

During this time, individuals can also reconnect with their own interests and passions, which can boost self-esteem and confidence. When both parties have taken the time to heal and grow, they may reunite with a better understanding of themselves and what they want from the relationship. This new awareness can strengthen the bond between exes and provide a more solid foundation for a healthy and lasting relationship.

How do I know if my motivation for getting back together is healthy?

Self-reflection may be one sign that your motivation to get back together with your ex is healthy. If you have taken time to think about what you want and what your goals in a relationship and life are then you may be ready to rekindle your relationship.

Another key sign may be that you have clear boundaries and improved communication skills. This can make it easier to identify and communicate times when you are feeling uncomfortable or if your partner’s behavior violates your personal boundaries.

What signs show we have really changed since the breakup?

Some signs that a couple has really changed after a break up may include:

They have taken responsibility for previous challenges.
They don’t romanticize the past.
New respect for boundaries.
An openness to rebuilding slowly.
Clear communication.
Not being motivated by fear or loneliness.

How should I start talking to my ex about reconciling?

You may start talking about reconciling by getting clear on why you want to reconcile in the first place. It may be beneficial to consider what is different and if you are comfortable with hearing “no”. Choosing a low-pressure moment may help reduce anxiety and make the conversation flow more smoothly. Keeping the conversation open and being honest can help you allow for more conversation later on.

When is therapy necessary before or during reconciliation?

Therapy can be helpful both before and during reconciliation, and a therapist can help you improve communication skills and practice self-reflection. They may be able to help you and your partner identify areas of contention that may have occurred and practice skills to overcome them.

How can I protect my mental health if we try again?

Protecting your mental health should be a top priority when getting back with your ex. You may benefit by working with a therapist to set boundaries and communicate expectations. They can also help you have conversations with your partner if boundaries are violated. Activities like journaling can help you track behaviors and feelings over a long period, which can be helpful in keeping challenges in perspective.

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