Do Exes Come Back, Or Should I Move On?

Updated May 17, 2023by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Content Warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Free, privileged support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

After the end of a relationship, it may feel challenging to let go of previous goals, desires, or hopes that you had with your ex-partner. If you spent most of your days together, it might feel unfamiliar to wake up alone or experience life without them by your side. In some cases, you may wonder “do exes come back?” and if things will go back to the way they were. Bargaining, denial, and hope can each be a part of the grieving process when you lose someone. So, should you move on and look for a new relationship or keep waiting for your ex?

iStock/Drs Producoes

Step Into The Future With Compassionate Guidance

Talk To A Licensed Online Counselor

Should I Move On From My Ex?

Deciding whether to move on from an ex is a personal choice, most of the time you'll think "does my ex think about me?" out of nowhere. However, if you find that most of your relationship was fraught with pain, abuse, trauma, or unhealthy patterns, this can be a huge sign that it may not be the healthiest choice to get back together.

Although people can change their attachment styles, personalities, and behaviors, doing so is often difficult, time-consuming, and takes willingness and introspection. Your ex may not change in a few months or even a few years. Change cannot be forced, and if you try to convince your ex of everything they did wrong, they might feel defensive or angry, which will not lead to a healthy relationship.

Instead of focusing on when the breakup happened and whether your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend has changed for the better, focus on changing yourself for the better and seeing what life could have in store for you as the best version of yourself.

Can Exes Come Back?

Exes may return in some cases. Since couples break up for various reasons, the circumstances of a breakup may impact the potential for reconnection. A recent study showed that 44% of Americans have gotten back together with one of their exes after breaking up with them. However, of these couples, it’s less clear whether they were able to build and stay in healthy, loving relationships in the long run.

If you and your partner have chosen to break up, mutually or not, there may have been a reason. For example, couples often break up for the following reasons:

Conflict
Falling out of love or growing apart
Infidelity/finding a new partner
Differing values
Differing opinions on childcare or having children
Life stressors, such as moving
Financial difficulties
Differing personalities
Differing desires for monogamy or polyamory
Lack of respect
Family conflict
Abuse*

*If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat.

Exes might get back together if the reasoning for a breakup made sense or was based on uncontrollable life circumstances. In some cases, exes break up and get back together more than once due to unhealthy relationship patterns or beliefs.

Trauma bonding is one of the biggest signs that may cause someone to feel that remaining in a breakup and makeup cycle with their ex is the most desirable option, even if it causes harm.

Additionally, those who struggle to set relationship boundaries may feel that they would accept their ex back, even if their ex hurt them in some way. They might feel they deserved the hurt or cannot find a better dynamic. This feeling can stem from past trauma or self-esteem issues. If you feel this way, it may be beneficial to reach out for support from a professional.

Why Do I Want My Ex To Come Back?

Individuals may sometimes feel a longing for their ex after a breakup. You might miss happy memories after seeing social media posts or desire closeness from before. The longing might feel powerful or override your brain's logical centers that remind you why the relationship ended.

Although it can be a regular part of grief to miss your ex, try to focus on healing the urges before deciding to reach out. Being able to decide using your head and heart simultaneously has been proven to be more effective than letting only emotion or only logic cloud your decisions.

What Makes An Ex Come Back?

Your ex might return for various reasons. For example, they could miss you, still feel in love, or want to work on the conflicts that ended the relationship. In other cases, they might feel lonely, don't want to take responsibility for their actions or feel the breakup wasn't permanent.

No matter why or when your ex returns, it is up to you to decide if you think getting back together with them is healthy for you. If you ended the relationship, your ex might reach out with hopes that you will forgive them, accept their apology, or have a change of heart. If you decided to break up with them, remember your reasoning when you were making that choice. Even if your ex is sorry, has made changes in their life, or has had a change of heart, it doesn't necessarily mean you must accept it and reconcile your connection with them.

Rather than wondering if an ex will come back, it can be constructive to take the time to work on yourself, become a better person and a better partner, and improve your own life. This is often the best way to get an ex to come back in a healthy manner.

What Should I Do If My Ex Comes Back?

If your ex returns after the relationship ends, you have a few options. It can start with a choice, setting clear boundaries, and remaining cautious as you communicate. Research shows that healthy relationships can improve mental and physical health. However, unhealthy ones can have the opposite effect. If your relationship with your ex was unhealthy or could be unhealthy in the future, it may not be the right choice to get back together and may be time to look to your next relationship.

Make A Choice

If your ex returns to your life or attempts to communicate with you, you can make a choice. Your choice might include the following:

Getting back together
Blocking your ex
Communicating your boundaries
Becoming friends
Asking them to give you space
Discussing the circumstances around your breakup
Asking for closure
Asking for more time to think

You don't have to make a significant decision if you're not sure just yet. Try to communicate to your ex where you're at and gauge their reaction. You can end the conversation if they are aggressive, defensive, or unkind.

If you decide to get back together with your ex or give them another chance, you may try couples counseling. When couples break up, there is often a reason, and couples therapy can help you and your ex discuss these reasons in a safe and neutral therapeutic environment.

If you decide to cut off contact with your ex, ask for space, or want to see a new potential partner, blocking their social media accounts or avoiding them as much as possible may be valuable. If your ex repeatedly contacts you or the other guy, follows you, or disregards your physical and emotional boundaries, it could qualify as harassment or stalking behavior. Speak with your local police department if you feel unsafe.

Set Boundaries

If you have had a conversation with your ex, decide to get back together, or hope to stay friends at some point, setting boundaries can be an essential part of maintaining a healthy connection.

Your boundaries may include the amount of time you spend together, what you will and won't accept physically and emotionally, and the amount of contact you're comfortable having.

Suppose you've decided to give your ex another chance. In that case, boundaries may be rules you set in your relationship to avoid future conflicts or situations like the ones you experienced when breaking up.

Be Cautious

Try to be cautious when speaking to your ex. If you feel unsafe, unheard, or disrespected, you might choose to end the conversation and set a boundary. If you've re-entered a relationship, take it slow. You might not be able to "return to normal" after your breakup. There could be new conflicts, jealousy, or concerns from you or your partner. During this time, speaking to a couples counselor could be beneficial.

If you and your ex have decided to stay friends, try not to disregard your values in the process. For example, if you wish to stay platonic and avoid physical affection, say "no" to any advances from your ex that are romantic or sexual. If your ex wants to continue having a physical relationship without the label of a relationship, you do not have to do so if it makes you uncomfortable.

iStock/Rawpixel

Ways To Move Forward After A Breakup

After your breakup, consider the following ways to move forward from your ex. Once you have a clear mind and a healthy body and feel that you have moved on, you may feel open to talking to your ex again on the other side of the healing process.

Focus On Self-Care

The first stage of a breakup can be very hard, which makes self-care essential. Commit to self-care through activities that have been proven to support your mental and physical health, such as:

Spending time in nature
Practicing mindfulness or meditation
Partaking in a hobby
Eating healthy meals
Committing to your mental health
Journaling about your thoughts and feelings
Taking space from negative influences
Practicing optimism
Opening your mind to new possibilities
Relaxing when you can
Spending time with your pets
Exercising
Talking to a relationship expert

If you get stressed during the process of the relationship ending, practice a quick deep breathing exercise such as box breathing to control your nervous system.

Feel Your Emotions

Studies show that suppressing your emotions can be damaging to your overall health. If you feel sad, angry, anxious, shameful, or any other way about your breakup, consider letting yourself express those emotions in healthy ways. A few ways to express emotions could include:

Journaling
Yelling into a pillow
Talking to a therapist
Crying when you feel the urge
Labeling your emotions
Hugging your pets when you feel sad
Reaching out for help when you need it
Recording a video diary for yourself
Going to an "anger room" where you can smash items in a safe and controlled environment
Punching a punching bag
Exercising or running
Practicing self-soothing
Singing songs that you relate to

Take Time To Heal

Moving on can take time, but you won’t stay broken. Like grief, you could cycle through your emotions several times before you feel acceptance regarding the breakup. Give yourself as much time as you need and try not to judge how long it takes you to heal.

During this time, limit exposure to your ex. You might do so by ignoring their messages, removing them from social media, or avoiding locations they frequent. Ask friends and family to avoid speaking of your ex while you process what happened.

Seek Therapy

"Should I talk to my ex?" Finally, if you're struggling with urges to talk to your ex, want your ex to leave you alone, or feel conflicted about moving on, talking to a therapist could have benefits. Therapists are often trained in precise coping mechanisms that have been studied to support those going through similar thoughts, emotions, and urges.

Online Therapy With BetterHelp

During a breakup, it can feel challenging to leave home or make time for appointments. If you relate, online counseling is an option available to you. Through online platforms such as BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you may be able to make a positive change in your breakup situation. Signing up can take a few minutes, and you can get matched with a counselor that meets your stated preferences, such as someone with experience with couples. Couples therapy can also be done online if you and your ex get back together and want to discuss your options.

The Effectiveness Of Online Therapy

Online therapy can be helpful for individual concerns as well as relationship troubles.

Studies show that teletherapy is as effective as other options. Those who participate in online therapy report results such as a decrease in depressive symptoms, higher self-efficacy, and lower symptoms of anxiety.

Counselor Reviews

"I've tried other counselors that I liked but didn't seem right for me but Margaret has been amazing! I love her honesty, compassion, and realness! It was really easy to open up to her and she's helped me get through a very tough breakup that nobody else could seem to get me through. I would recommend her to anyone! She makes it so comfortable to talk to her as if you've known her forever!"

Step Into The Future With Compassionate Guidance

Talk To A Licensed Online Counselor

"I've never been to therapy and so was really hesitant about opening up at first. But Whitney has just been so great! I signed up for BetterHelp because I was going through a breakup with problems I knew stemmed from problems with myself. I knew I felt unhappy in my relationship but could not for certain say why. Therapy with Whitney has been so great in helping me become more self-aware and reflective. And, of course, the breakup was hard at first. But every day, with Whitney, I was able to feel a little bit better than the day before."

Takeaway

After the end of a relationship, you or your ex may struggle to move on and there may be a desire to get your ex to come back. Although some couples get back together, moving on could be your healthiest choice. If you need support in making the decision, consider reaching out to a counselor for professional guidance. An online therapist can answer your questions as they arise and help you develop a healthier mindset as you move forward after a breakup.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Is There Any Chance My Ex Will Come Back?

If you’re waiting for your ex to come back for a second chance, there are a few key factors that determine how likely that will be. First of all, you should consider the reason the relationship with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend ended in the first place. Was it because of a one-time disagreement that might not have cast the most positive light on the relationship? Or was it due to a long-standing problem that has been in the relationship for a long time? If the reason you broke up in the first place was because of a misunderstanding rather than a persistent issue in the relationship, then there is a higher chance that your ex will come back. Just remember that you’ll need to spend time and effort resolving that conflict and instituting a good conflict resolution for a healthy relationship in the future, too.

Next, look at the post-breakup communication between you and your ex. When your ex initiates contact and reaches out, it’s a sign that they may eventually come back. For instance, if your ex is always sending drunk texts that say “I miss you,” then that’s one of the signs that they might eventually come back to you. However, if you are the one initiating all of the contacts, that’s a big sign that your ex is not deciding to come back.

How Do You Know If An Ex Will Come Back?

One way to learn if an ex will come back is to ask mutual friends. They can give a huge sign about the thoughts and feelings of your ex since they are probably talking about the breakup with them just as much as they are with you.

The biggest sign that your ex will eventually come back is if they are constantly initiating conversation and/or contact with you. This shows that they want the relationship to continue. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to continue the relationship on the same terms or with the same patterns as before. You can always use this as a stepping stone to a more healthy relationship.

How Long Does It Take For An Ex To Come Back?

There is no set amount of time in which an ex will eventually come back. Instead of looking for signs your ex is returning after a breakup, try to gauge the frequency and effectiveness of your communication in the meantime. If you still talk with your ex, how often do you talk or text? What do you talk about? Is the general mood of these conversations positive or negative? The quality and frequency of the communication that you have with your ex will determine how quickly your ex will come back if they do decide to come back to the relationship after a breakup.

How Do You Know When Your Ex Is Truly Done With You?

There are several signs your ex is moving on from you; some of them are obvious big signs, while others are subtler. Here are the biggest signs your ex probably won’t come back to you.

First of all, the biggest sign your ex is truly done with you is if they enter a new relationship with a new person. Of course, your ex’s new relationship is not just a first date or rebound after the breakup, but a committed relationship with someone who is also just as committed to that new relationship. This shows that they are moving on in life, and that there is a good chance that doesn’t plan to come back to you.

Another one of the signs your ex doesn’t plan to come back is if they stop communicating with you altogether. They might stop talking to you immediately after the breakup, or they might just fade away several weeks or months after the breakup. If they don’t take your calls or return your texts, this is a sign that your ex will not eventually come back. In fact, this shows that they have no interest in keeping the relationship in any form, even if it’s just as a friendship.

Finally, you know that the relationship is truly over if your ex tells you explicitly. If you’ve reached out to your ex many times and they have told you very clearly that the relationship is over, then you should take them at their word. While it might hurt to realize that they won’t eventually come back, you should respect what they are clearly communicating; at that point, it’s time to move on.

Do Exes Come Back After Months?

If you’ve gone several months without communicating with your ex, then it’s not very likely that they will eventually come back. If a person has a genuine interest in keeping a relationship alive, then they will make a consistent effort to try to build a healthy relationship. On the other hand, if they haven’t communicated in months, then that’s a sign that the break up is probably final and permanent at that point. While it might break your heart to realize this, it is an important step in the healing process after a breakup.

What Percentage Of Exes Come Back After No Contact?

The percentage or likelihood that your ex will eventually come back – even after no contact – depends on a wide range of factors that include everything from the age and length of the relationship to the reason that the relationship was ended. So, there is no specific percentage that will predict if your ex will come back.

If your ex hasn’t made any contact at all, then there is a very low chance that your ex will come back. The chances are even lower if you have tried to reach out to them but they haven’t responded at all. This is a huge sign that they don’t want the relationship to continue, and in this case, it isn’t very likely that your ex will eventually come back. Even though this realization might break your heart, it is better for you and for your future relationship(s) to move on and implement healthier communication styles going forward in your life.

How Long Does It Usually Take For An Ex To Miss You?

There is no set length of time that will determine if and/or when your ex will eventually come back to you. Each person and relationship is different, which means that the time frame to come back will also vary from situation to situation. However, there are some signs that can indicate that your ex is ready to come back to you.

For example, the frequency of communication from your ex shows that they might be preparing to come back to you. As they communicate and reach out to you more often, this shows that your ex will eventually come back and that the time for their return is getting closer and closer.

In a nutshell, there is no set timeframe for how long it takes an ex to come back. However, you can get a sense of when your ex will eventually come back based on their communication patterns.

How Do I Convince My Ex To Come Back?

Before you try to convince your ex to come back to you, you need to understand that if your ex has seriously decided that the breakup is final, then there is very little that you can do to convince them that they should eventually come back to you. However, if you have the sense that they also want to get back together, there are some ways to lead your ex back to you.

First of all, you should recognize and accept any part of the breakup (or conflict leading to the breakup) that was your fault. It’s not comfortable to reflect and admit your errors in the relationship, but it can make you a better person and prepare you for a healthy relationship going forward in life.

Next, admit what you did wrong to your ex and apologize for any hurt that you may have caused them. Hopefully, this will lead your ex to reflect and apologize in the same way. One of the signs of a healthy relationship at this point is forgiveness. If both you and your ex are able to accept your own faults and forgive the faults of the other, there is a good chance that your relationship will eventually come back to normal and grow from there.

For more on how to grow in a restored relationship after a breakup, you and your partner can seek professional advice from a qualified mental health professional. Doing the work together with a professional gives your relationship a good chance to grow and thrive, despite any previous breakup.

How Do You Know If Your Ex Wants You Back But Won't Admit It?

If you’re asking “Will my ex come back?” but you’re second-guessing your answer, there are some signs you can look for to get a clearer understanding. One of the most obvious signs that your ex wants to come back is if they are keeping a line of communication open. If they keep calling or texting you, then there is a good chance that they want to eventually come back to the relationship, even after a breakup. Of course, a single text message isn’t one of the signs your ex will eventually come back. Instead, you should look for a consistent pattern of communication, even if it is just a call on important dates or sporadic “How are you?” texts.

Another one of the signs your ex will eventually come back is if your ex puts their love life on hold after the breakup. If your ex isn’t looking for another relationship, then there is a good chance that your ex will eventually come back to you.

When Should You Give Up On An Ex?

There are several signs that you should give up on an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. The first thing you should look at is the overall health of the relationship before the breakup. Was it a relationship that left you feeling encouraged and loved, or did it leave you feeling empty and alone at the end of the day? If the relationship was unhealthy and damaging in the first place, it is one of the signs that you should give up on the relationship.

Another one of the signs your ex is in the past is if they don’t respond to you (or your mutual friends) when you reach out to them. This is one of the clear signs your ex has moved on, and you should too. In this case, it is highly unlikely that your ex will eventually come back.

Finally, another one of the major signs your ex won’t be in your life anymore is if you meet someone new and start a new relationship. If you’re not expecting that your ex will eventually come back and if you’re ready to move on, then you should do just that! Don’t let an ex who may or may not come back prevent you from entering a new (and potentially better) relationship if you’re ready for it.

Remember, just because you’re giving up the relationship with your ex doesn’t mean that you’re giving up on them as a person. It’s healthy to wish them well as you say goodbye and to realize that it’s a good thing for both of you to be moving on.

Is there any chance my ex will come back?

How do you know if an ex will come back?

How long does it take for an ex to come back?

How do you know when your ex is truly done with you?

Do exes come back after months?

What percentage of exes come back after no contact?

How long does it usually take for an ex to miss you?

How do I convince my ex to come back?

How do you know if your ex wants you back but won't admit it?

When should you give up on an ex?

Get the support you need from one of our therapistsGet Started

Top Categories

See all categories

For additional help & support with your concerns

Speak with a licensed therapist

The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.

Get the support you need from one of our therapistsGet Started

Top Categories

See all categories