How To Get Over A Crush: Techniques For Unrequited Love
The word "crush" is often used to describe the desire to be with someone you find attractive or compelling, with the underlying possibility that you might not be romantically or intimately involved. Many people with a crush may feel dismayed if being with that person (who may be the only person they like) isn't possible. They might be experiencing incompatibility, unrequited love, or the fact that the other person is already in a monogamous relationship. Despite these potential realities, a crush can feel all-consuming.
How to get over a crush
Feeling anxious, angry, hurt, bitter, hopeless, or isolated may be natural if you develop feelings for someone who doesn't like you back or want to rid yourself of your feelings. If you want to know how to get over a crush, it may be beneficial to consider the situation objectively. Getting over someone you've never dated can still be painful, and there are a few things you may be able to do to cope healthily.
How long do crushes last?
According to psychologists, crushes often last a few months, with a minor percentage developing into a relationship. This statistic may stem from the fact that many crushes are founded in infatuation instead of an attachment or love. For example, a recent study published in the PLOS One journal examined how romantic love is perceived in its phases, including crushes, infatuation, and perceived attachment.
The researchers discovered that people could intentionally control their feelings for another person depending on their behavior. Developing feelings of infatuation for another person can be a temporary phase that only lasts during the initial part of a crush. If you're feeling upset now, consider how you might feel in a few weeks or months.
Healthy coping techniques for moving on from a crush
The following strategies may help you move on from a crush healthily while valuing your emotional and physical needs.
Try not to avoid your crush
If you avoid your crush, the distance may keep your fantasy of them at the forefront of your mind. To start moving forward, consider talking to the individual or spending time with them as close friends without flirting or thinking of them romantically. Spend time with them to see how you connect and focus on enriching your connection platonically. After getting to know them, you might learn more about who they are and discover that you're incompatible. This may lead you to decide to just stay close friends. For example, you might have differing beliefs, morals, values, or ethics. You could also find that your crush doesn't have the qualities you look for in a partner, or that your romantic feelings for them lessened as you became good friends.
If your crush is your friend or you feel that talking to them would cause your feelings to grow, you might consider taking a break from spending time together until your feelings have subsided. If you don't want to admit to your feelings, you might ask for time to attend to a personal matter or let them know you want to focus elsewhere for the time being. If they know you have a crush on them, you might refrain from telling them you're trying to get over them. Take your time away and come back when you feel ready.
Stay busy to start getting over a crush
If your heart is aching and you feel sad about your vision of a relationship not working out, focus on situations in your life that bring you joy. Distraction can help you focus elsewhere while attempting to reduce your feelings. Although you might not instantly get over your crush, you can spend time considering what you need. Medically reviewed studies have found that using positive visualization to imagine the type of life you want may improve mental health, focus, and the possibility of success. Try visualizing a life where you no longer have a crush on this person.
To keep busy, you might join local groups that participate in activities you enjoy or go to a place that makes you feel at peace. Distractions that you find fulfilling can take your mind off the person you like and remind you of what you appreciate outside of your attraction. You could also focus on your education, work, a new hobby, personal growth, meeting new people, or volunteering for a charity. If you struggle with enjoying activities after your crush, you can talk to a therapist or counselor to learn new coping skills and brainstorm ideas together.
Confide in your loved ones about how to get over a crush
Surrounding yourself with the people that mean the most to you--people who love and respect you for you--can improve your well-being and remind you that you are whole, with or without a partner. This can include members of your family or a best friend.
Furthermore, they may surprise you with a great piece of advice that worked for them regarding how to get over a crush. A trusted loved one may help you understand why you have a crush on this person and what that says about you. They have had their own experience and can impart some words of wisdom about how to handle the situation. Lastly, they can give you a new perspective on your love life and help you recognize unhealthy relationship patterns so you can find someone who can return your love.
Question yourself about the origin of this crush
Take the emphasis off them and focus on your relationship with yourself. Why do you feel this way? Could there have been other circumstances that led to the crush? Maybe you were having negative thoughts the day you first met, and they smiled at you at the right moment. Sometimes, feelings can be situational and when that person becomes an actual part of our lives, we may feel differently. You may consider that you created a fantasy relationship in your mind. Ask yourself if this person has the qualities you desire in a partner. You may be projecting attributes that do not exist. Understanding the reality of the relationship can help you in the healing process.
Give yourself a chance to grieve
If you do believe, after trying these strategies, that you have missed out on your true love, give yourself space to feel sad about it. You may be feeling a great sense of loss, or grief. Acknowledge these emotions and process the loss of a potential relationship. Try not to ignore them or bury them, as doing so can lead to unresolved feelings that you will eventually have to address. It might help to take out a pen and paper and write down your feelings in a journal. Allow yourself to grieve the feelings that were there. You probably spent a good amount of time fantasizing, and that can feel amazing. When the fantasy ends, it can be jarring and uncomfortable.
Stop following them on social media platforms
You do not need reminders of them or updates about what they are doing every minute of the day while getting over a crush. Furthermore, most people only post the best of what is happening in their lives, so you will likely not be looking at the full picture, just places and parts of their life they want others to see. If a good friend posts with your crush or about them, it may be worth it to avoid their social media accounts for a bit too.
Open yourself up to dating after unrequited love
Remind yourself that there are plenty of other people who want to date you. You can join an online dating site, ask your friends to set you up, or join a club that explores one of your interests. All of these are ways to get over your crush and meet new and interesting people while giving yourself a little distance from your old crush.
Reaching out for professional support when dealing with unrequited love
Wanting a relationship with another person can get your hopes up and let you down when it does not work. You may be experiencing extreme sadness and even depressive symptoms. Remember- there is always someone ready to talk to you, so you do not feel isolated, even if a parent, family member, or friend isn’t unavailable. Seeking professional help to work out these feelings is an option that can give you a path out of these sad places.
BetterHelp provides an objective perspective from a clinical psychologist trained in the field of relationships. You can receive advice for your situation in confidence and a safe space from an online counselor professionally trained on the subject. While it is common to feel infatuation with someone, it helps to discuss your feelings and learn how to deal with them productively. Reaching out for support from a licensed therapist can help you manage these feelings and lift any shame, confusion, or anger you may be experiencing.
If you find that it is difficult to find a therapist in-person, especially considering the cost, online therapy is supported by research to be a cost-effective and highly beneficial alternative to in-person therapy. For example, a current study published in Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics researched the efficacy and cost-effectiveness of online therapy versus in-person in 154 participants who were managing depressive disorder. The researchers concluded that online therapy was equally effective at treating depression and was significantly cost-effective as compared to in-person therapy, with an average savings of USD 945 after an eight to twelve-week treatment series.
Therapy options
Having a crush that doesn't work out can feel like getting your hopes up for nothing. You may be experiencing sadness, depression, stress, or another mental health concern. Regardless of the social support you have in your life, talking to a professional may help you work out these feelings in a safe environment—and you don't have to do it in person. Many therapists work online through online therapy platforms like BetterHelp, which offer care from anywhere with an internet connection.
While it can be normal to feel infatuation toward someone, it may be beneficial to learn how to cope with these feelings productively. Through an online platform, you can use journaling prompts, worksheets, and outside resources suggested by your therapist to receive support. In addition, you can take control of your counseling experience by choosing between phone, video, or chat sessions. Having control over this area of your life may provide emotional relief while moving forward from a potentially uncontrollable situation.
Online therapy is backed by research as a cost-effective and highly beneficial alternative to in-person therapy. A recent study published in Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics researched the efficacy and cost-effectiveness of online therapy versus in-person therapy for 154 participants living with depressive disorder. The researchers concluded that online therapy was equally effective at treating depression and was significantly more cost-effective, with an average savings of $945 after an eight to 12-week treatment series.
Counselor reviews
Moving forward can help you to remember you are worthy of love and compassion from someone who feels the same way about you. You do not have to go through these difficulties alone. Know help is available to assist you in taking the first step to fulfilling relationships today. Below are some reviews of BetterHelp counselors, from people experiencing similar issues.
Takeaway
Moving forward from a crush may show you that you are worthy of love and compassion from someone who feels the same way about you. You are not alone in your feelings, and support is available. Consider taking the first step to moving on by talking to your support system, practicing self-care, or connecting with a licensed therapist.
How do I stop liking my crush?
While you might not be able to will yourself out of liking your crush, there are some things you can do to speed the process and potentially move on faster, beginning with allowing yourself to fully accept and feel your emotions. Take good care of yourself during this time by eating nutritiously, exercising regularly, and getting plenty of quality sleep. Try meditation and other stress-relieving activities to cope with the challenging feelings that often come with getting over a love interest.
During this time, distance yourself from them as much as possible. Some ways you can distance yourself from your crush might include:
Deleting your texts and removing their contact information
Unfollow or unfriend them on social media, or if you're worried that might cause hard feelings, unsubscribe to or hide their posts
Avoid places they or their friends/family go
Make a concerted effort to refrain from mentioning or asking about them in conversations
Ask your friends to refrain from mentioning them or doing things they know will remind you of your crush
While you do not have to view them as a "bad person," it may be helpful to think of their less appealing aspects
Remove tangible reminders of them, such as photos, souvenirs, or gifts
Even if you've distanced yourself as thoroughly as possible, you might find it difficult to stop thinking about them. This is normal, but there are strategies you may use to distract yourself:
Ask for help from your support system
Create a list of more productive things to spend your time thinking about, then use it when your mind wanders to thoughts of them
Focus on your interests and self-development
Try new things
Socialize and meet new people by participating in group activities or through friends
If you're ready, try dating other people
What is the quickest way to get over a crush?
Getting over your crush quickly might not be easy (or possible). These things usually take time, and shortcuts to coping, like excessive alcohol consumption, overeating, or overspending, are typically short-lived and might cause more problems. Getting over a crush quickly will likely require a combination of self-care and distraction. Stay busy by socializing with others and spending time with people who support you and will listen nonjudgmentally.
If you're up for it, try meeting new people. Being rejected by a crush is often accompanied by low self-esteem and low self-confidence. Depending on the circumstances and if you're confident that you can put yourself back out there without relying entirely on someone else to boost your self-esteem, you might consider joining a dating site or club for people with similar interests to flirt and get attention.
How do I stop having a crush?
While you might not be able to stop your feelings completely, you can reduce them significantly by avoiding your crush and focusing on why you need to. For example, perhaps you're already in a relationship and don't want to be unfaithful by focusing on this third person. In that case, focus your attention on your partner. If the relationship has areas that could use some improvement, recommit to your partner and work on them together.
If you and your crush work together and a relationship is inappropriate, think of ways to limit contact but still work together. For example, you may attend meetings together virtually rather than in person if it's an option or sit as far away from them as possible in the room. If your feelings are particularly intense and distance isn't an option, it may even be necessary to investigate moving to another department or switching jobs completely.
Why is it so hard to get over a crush?
There are many reasons why getting over a crush is difficult. You may have been looking forward to a relationship with them when you realized it wasn't meant to be and are grieving the loss of possibility. You might have relied on the flirty interactions (if there were any) to give your self-esteem a little boost, but you must look elsewhere now.
There are physical reasons why it may be hard to get over a crush, too. Past research indicates that when we experience a crush, just the thought of them can trigger the release of oxytocin, a hormone associated with attraction. Oxytocin can increase the amount of dopamine released in the brain, making you feel even better and reinforcing the excitement you feel when you're around them. Our bodies can become accustomed to the pleasant feelings associated with oxytocin and dopamine, so when faced with the reality of getting over our crush, we may experience a sort of "coming down" while we acclimate to pre-crush status.
How long do crushes last?
There is no empirical data that definitively reveals how long crushes typically last. Still, some studies suggest it usually takes a few months to either get over it or establish a relationship. How long it takes to get over a crush often depends on its intensity, length, and unique circumstances.
Is it love or a crush?
Crushes are often based on physical attraction and our vision for what our future would look like with them, even if we don't know the individual well enough to establish that realistically. When we have a crush, we're more likely to idealize the person, and our feelings may be based more on the idea rather than the reality of who they are.
True love is characterized by a more solid, unselfish type of love in which you're motivated less by what the person can do for you and more by a desire to support and care for them. People in love typically already know the person they have romantic feelings for, and their personality traits and behavior play a substantial role in developing feelings of love throughout the course of a healthy relationship.
How do you stop fantasizing about a crush?
To stop fantasizing about a crush, it may help first to remind yourself that the fantasy is just that—a fantasy. Although it can be satisfying, remember that the fantasy is probably not even close to the reality.
It's helpful to stay mindful and notice when you fantasize about your crush. When those thoughts arise, make a concerted effort to note them without judgment, then disconnect and move on to something else. This might be hard at first, but with time, you can learn what instigates the daydreaming, avoid it, and redirect your thoughts to something more productive. It's also helpful to get over the fantasy by keeping yourself busy. Seek out activities that enrich your social life, drive self-improvement, and provide personal satisfaction.
What causes a crush?
Everyone develops crushes differently, so it may be challenging to identify a single thing that causes a crush or for a person to fall in love. Instead, lasting crushes are most likely caused by a combination of factors like exposure and proximity, physical attraction, familiarity, similarity, and reciprocity. Crushes can also offer a form of escapism and may help form idealized notions of romantic relationships. This may be the case, for example, when having celebrity crushes on people like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift.
Should I confess to my crush?
Whether you decide to confess your feelings to your crush is a matter of personal preference and individual circumstances. Before deciding, consider your crush's feelings and whether they've shown you any signs of mutual interest or indicated that they might feel the same way. For instance, if this person is part of a group of new friends, it may be helpful to learn more about your new crush before expressing your feelings.
Moreover, be prepared for the possibility of rejection, and consider the timing of your confession. If your crush is going through an emotionally difficult time or isn't available for a relationship, it might not be the best time to share your feelings.
The most important thing is to be prepared for any outcome, including those you may not have hoped for. For example, you may hear they are not interested in you romantically, are not ready to start dating, and other things. If your crush does not feel the same way, aim to handle rejection respectfully and maturely if it comes. Finally, consider the potential impact that confessing your feelings might have on the relationship you already have (if you have one). For example, if you're confessing to a friend or coworker, there's a high likelihood that things will change between you in some way.
How do I stop feeling for my crush?
There are many helpful strategies to reduce or stop crushing on someone. Findings indicate that infatuation is linked to the early stages of a crush, and the intensity of feelings can be lessened through different methods. One method involves thinking about negative aspects of the person or imagining all the things that might go wrong if a relationship developed in real life. Other strategies include:
Staying busy with activities and interests in daily life
If you're in the same room, having a real conversation with your crush might help you see them more realistically, and possibly realize that you're incompatible
Aiming to stop obsessing about your crush by avoiding reminders of them, such as social media feeds
Asking friends and trusted loved ones how they've moved past their feelings for a crush, and what has previously worked for them
Allow yourself to recognize unrequited feelings and process the pain of a broken heart if you've invested a lot of time imagining being with this person. One helpful way to express thoughts and feelings is through journaling.
If you're friends with this person, consider giving yourself a little space, spending less time with them, even if you hope to stay friends at some point in the future.
- Previous Article
- Next Article