How To Stop Obsessing Over An Ex After Your Breakup
Many individuals spend time and energy looking for significant others and meaningful relationships. It's common to try out different relationships to find the fit that will last forever. But dating can come with a cost – breakups.
Breakups are often complicated and painful, even if you were the one to end things. Sometimes, you might be able to move on a few months after you split with a partner, but other times, you might find yourself obsessing or still feeling upset a year later. You may even feel guilty or develop a self-defeating attitude when it comes to building other relationships.
This guide explores the healing process and some steps to help you move on from a past relationship and reduce the time you spend thinking about your ex-partner. We'll cover everything from getting rid of reminders to talking to an online therapist.
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How to stop obsessing over an ex in five steps
Whether you feel like you're obsessing over your ex or you just want to get them off your mind, these steps might help you with the grieving process and get you ready for future relationships.
1. Accept what happened and get rid of reminders of your ex
Looking for effective strategies on how to get over an ex-boyfriend? Pack up anything that reminds you of your ex, and get rid of it. This includes:
- things they bought you
- your pictures together (including pictures on social media)
- other reminders of your shared past
You may find that you're having difficulty moving on because these things serve as a constant reminder of the memories attached to them and make you think of your ex.
Some items might be easy to throw away, while some might take more effort. Others, like books or clothes, can be donated to charity. And others still might be emotionally difficult to let go of – for example, a photo of the two of you at your sister's wedding. Consider putting items like these in storage until you’re no longer afraid to let them go.
2. List the reasons you broke up
You might benefit from writing a list of why you broke up – include all the reasons and negative aspects of the relationship, and don't leave anything out.
For example:
- Why didn't the relationship work?
- What about them irritated you?
- Did they have misconceptions about you?
- Were there red flags you chose to ignore?
- Did all the other people in your life have concerns you weren’t ready to hear?
List everything you can think of, and add to the list if something comes up later.
It's common for people only to remember the good memories of their past relationships and forget or minimize the reasons they broke up. And a written list might help you remember why you're not together during moments when you may wistfully remember times with your ex.
If you weren't the one who ended the relationship, you can list things like how they handled the breakup, whether they were respectful, and why they didn't want to be together. If it helps, you can try to list things you want from an ideal relationship, along with reasons why you couldn’t have that in your previous relationship with your ex.
3. Stop waiting and set boundaries with contact
It can be helpful to remove your ex's phone number, unfriend them on Facebook, unfollow them on social media, and remove their email from your contact list. You might even block them on accounts that allow it to prevent them from stirring up old emotions later. According to relationship experts, following your exes on social media is usually a bad idea, as it can lead to an emotional rollercoaster and cause you to spend ever more energy thinking about them, since you happen to continually be made aware of them.
Then, when you feel tempted to make phone calls or send messages, which is normal for most people, you won't be able to reach out as easily. In addition, removing contact information can help your brain start to move on and heal, according to relationship expert Amy Chan.
4. Acceptance
For most of us, moving forward means learning to accept things. While you may eventually break the obsession and stop hurting over the breakup, it's unlikely that you will forget your ex. That's okay. Your ex is part of your past, and the past helped shape the present you. Accepting this may help you close the door to the relationship post-breakup.
Even if a romantic relationship ends badly, it can still positively impact you. For example, you may learn to move on from painful breakups in a healthier way. Or you might have a better idea of the type of people you would like to have in your life and understand what to look for in new relationships.
5. Talk to a professional to avoid repeating patterns
Sometimes the best thing you can do is to admit you need help. If you feel like the above steps only scratch the surface of what you're facing, it might be time to reach out for help moving forward. Consider finding a licensed therapist to assist you as you process your feelings and unresolved issues and get over your ex.
Losing a significant relationship that feels familiar and comfortable in your everyday life often leads to grieving. Letting go of the goals, dreams, and plans you had for the relationship can be challenging and painful. And there's no shame in reaching out for support in healing from this hurt and disappointment.
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Therapy to reduce the impact on self-esteem
Breakups may also impact our self-confidence and the way we see ourselves. You may not feel like the same person you were before or during the relationship. For example, some find that a failed relationship might aggravate or lead to insecurities about themselves. Others may feel discouraged about having a happy and healthy relationship in the future. A qualified therapist can help with all of these concerns. They can encourage you to admit the truth about how you view yourself and give you tools to improve your self-esteem.
Effectiveness of online therapy
You can choose between online and in-person therapy, as both options are equally effective for most people. Online therapy is often more affordable and easier to work into your schedule, so it's a better option for some individuals. And since research shows that internet-based treatments can help with issues like depression, anxiety, and a lack of self-care, they can be helpful to those trying to get over a breakup.
Getting support through BetterHelp
BetterHelp is a convenient and affordable way to work with a licensed professional online. We'll match you with an experienced therapist or counselor based on your needs and preferences, like couples therapy. Then, you can schedule sessions via voice call, in-app messaging, or video chat at times that work for you. And if emotions or thoughts come up between sessions, you can send endless messages to your therapist anytime for them to reply to when they're free.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Takeaway
It’s okay if you find yourself asking, “Why can’t I get over my ex”? Getting over your ex can be challenging, but be assured that it’s not only you experiencing this difficulty. Once you've removed reminders of them, removed their personal contact info, and remembered why you broke up, you may still feel lonely and like you need additional support. And that's okay – talking with a therapist can help. Therapy may be especially helpful if your breakup has led to mental health issues, like anxiety, depression, or feelings of hopelessness, or if you’re working to process a toxic or abusive relationship. It can also be beneficial to deal with past trauma from your earliest relationships.
How to stop obsessing over an ex?
There are some strategies you can use to help you stop obsessing about your ex. First, avoid suppressing your feelings…a time of mourning is normal and can help you process your emotions. Next, ask for help. Social contact can be a big source of healing, so spend time with trusted friends and family. Don’t neglect your own self-care, and do your best to keep your mind on the present and the future.
Why do I still think about my ex?
No matter what is behind the breakup of a relationship, the feelings you have for another person often remain for a time. One recent study suggests that remaining in contact with one's ex may influence how long it takes to get over them as time passes. Some mental health conditions can also make it more likely to have obsessive thought patterns about an ex.
There can be a variety of reasons you may still miss or think about your ex, including the following:
- You miss their friendship
- You aren’t getting as much physical touch (which releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin)
- You liked who you were when you were with them
- You feel guilty about your part in the breakup, such as believing you did something wrong that changed the course of the relationship
- You never got a sense of closure
- You imagine the kind of life you would have had with them, remembering the positive aspects of the relationship
- Other unhealthy relationships in your life make you miss your once-healthy relationship
Is it normal to obsess over an ex?
It can be very normal to continue thinking about your ex after a breakup, especially if it happened days ago, even if you were the one to initiate it. However, if you start feeling that intrusive thoughts about your ex are hurting your life, you may want to take steps to start moving on.
How do you let go of an ex you still love?
If you still have feelings for your ex, it can be difficult to let go, even when you know that the relationship should be over. Ask for help from trusted friends or family to support you through the rough patches. After a period of grieving, allow yourself to be distracted by engaging in activities you enjoy with human beings that you love. By keeping yourself busy and engaging in self-care, you can help yourself move forward from the relationship and foster overall well-being.
How to resist the urge to check your ex’s social media?
It can be challenging to get over an ex, and there may be times when you feel sad, confused, and miss them. However, you can make things worse by keeping watch on an ex's social media account, as it may interfere with your desire to prioritize self-care and healthily process the loss of a relationship. Some ways to curb the urge to check an ex's social media (whether it's an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-partner, or former spouse) include:
- Consider what brought the urge to check their account by noticing your emotional state. Mindfulness is one practice that enhances one's ability to notice one's thoughts and feelings in the present moment
- Identify another activity when you feel the urge to check, such as going for a walk
- Take deep breaths to feel calm
- Envision what you want the future story of your life to look like
- Use physical exercise to release endorphins and relieve stress
- Invest in new hobbies and activities
- Delete them from your social media accounts
- Consider speaking to a trusted neutral party, such as a good therapist, who may be able to offer great advice
- Ask family members or friends to hold you accountable
- Focus on the positive aspects of your whole life
- Create an enriching self-care routine
How long does it take to stop obsessing over an ex?
Many people are able to stop obsessing over their ex within a few months of the breakup. While they may continue to feel sad or disappointed about the end of the relationship, it is no longer the entire focus of their thoughts. However, research suggests that it can take up to eight years to completely move on from an ex.
How do you detach from your ex?
To detach from your ex, you often need to create enough distance to get out of your own head and let your emotions settle. This often takes concrete actions like:
- unfollowing your ex on social media
- deleting old text messages
- enjoying new hobbies like lifting weights, crafting, or reading
Over time, consistent boundaries and new daily habits can help break the obsessive cycle and encourage you to move forward.
What does it mean if you cannot stop thinking about an ex?
If you can’t stop thinking about an ex, it may be a sign that your brain is still trying to process the relationship. After a breakup, your mind replays memories to make sense of what happened, especially if the end felt unexpected or unresolved. In some cases, being unable to stop dwelling can point to an anxious attachment style. However, this behavior doesn’t mean that you had the perfect partner or that your world will never be happy again.
What are the four stages of detachment after a breakup?
After a breakup, people often go through these four stages of detachment:
- Withdrawal: You may feel a strong urge to reach out and struggle to follow any sort of no-contact rule. This is often when people obsess over their ex and ‘what-if’ thoughts.
- Grieving: You begin healing by processing your pain, anger, and sadness.
- Rebuilding: This is when you start shifting the focus back to yourself as you develop new routines and rebuild your individual identity.
- Detachment: By this point, most people fully regain control over their thoughts about their ex. You can look back on your relationship with a clear perspective, and having a better view of the past may help you finally feel ready for your next relationship.
When should you give up hope on an ex?
You should consider letting go of hope for an ex when you reach a point where holding on is making you feel stuck. Sometimes, the end of a relationship can feel murky, especially if the two of you stay in contact or continue some behaviors you had during your relationship. However, you may eventually realize that nothing has changed, and it’s time to stop waiting for things to be different, so you can move on and experience a new life, either as an individual or with a more fulfilling relationship.
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