How To Get Over An Ex-Boyfriend After A Breakup

The end of a romantic relationship may be a distressing time for many. While the breakup could have been the healthiest choice for you and your former partner, you might be left wondering how to get over an ex-boyfriend. 

Even if you were the one who initiated the split, you may still have lingering feelings for your ex and may seek support to move on from the relationship. Everyone deals with breakups differently. For instance, the length of the relationship, the intensity of your feelings, the healthiness of the relationship, how many breakups you’ve experienced, the level of agreement on the split, and other factors could influence how long it takes you to get over your ex.

No matter the cause of the breakup, learning how to get over your ex healthily might be beneficial. Part of moving on often includes experiencing the grieving process and working on self-care. During breakup recovery, you may also experience a phase wherein questions such as "Does my ex think about me? Does my ex want me back?" come to your mind from time to time, but it's all part of the process of moving on from a past relationship. You might also reach out for support from a professional to discuss the circumstances around your loss.

Why breakups hurt even when you know it is over

While you may logically understand that a relationship was wrong for you, it can still cause pain. Understanding the mechanisms behind love and how they are similar to addiction can be a first step toward moving on.

What happens in the brain

After a failed relationship, even if your head and heart are fully aware that what happened might be for the best, it can take some time for the brain to catch up. You may feel sad or constantly think about what-ifs, finding it hard to move on. These complex emotions can result from what happens in the brain.

After a breakup, the brain experiences a drop in dopamine, a chemical associated with rewards and pleasure. This drop can lead to a sense of emotional withdrawal that is similar to what happens in addiction, making it difficult to stop contacting or thinking about your ex. 

Every day life can also be difficult if you’re constantly facing reminders of your former partner. This can be the result of the brain’s attachment system, which includes various parts, including: 

• The amygdala: Increases emotional reactivity, leading to hypervigilance toward attachment-related stimuli (i.e., things that remind the individual of the person) and reinforcing memories of the relationship, which may intensify feelings of longing
• The hippocampus: Contributes to memory formation and recovery, bringing up strong memories triggered by places, objects, or songs that remind you of the other person
• The nucleus accumbens: Part of the brain’s reward system, which, after a breakup, can be activated by things that remind you of the relationship

The truth is that, despite getting great advice from your support network or seeking a better perspective about the new life you’re building, it may still be hard to stop thinking about your ex. This isn’t necessarily a sign that you made the wrong choice or that you will never move forward. What you are experiencing is a result of how your brain is processing what happened, and it can take time to finally be ready to move on.

Limit contact to heal faster

After you’ve decided to walk away from someone, it can be difficult to stop thinking about them. You may be tempted to watch their Snaps or Stories, look through old texts, or comment on posts. Limiting contact may seem like playing games or trying to prove something, but it can be a supportive step in the healing process.

Stopping contact and not checking social media

When you stop contacting your ex, it can make it easier to heal. You may feel that scrolling through social media or looking at old photos when you’re lying in bed at night can help you find closure or figure out something that you missed about the relationship, but it can actually make it more difficult to move on. For example, research suggests that observing an ex via social media can be “associated with downstream increases in negative affect, breakup distress, and jealousy,” leading researchers to suggest that “defriending, unfollowing, muting, or blocking ex-partners on social media in the aftermath of a breakup may help to promote recovery.” 

It can be difficult to accept that the one who hurt you and the one you miss are the same person, but limiting contact may be necessary to move forward. 

If you have to stay in contact

It’s not always possible to go no contact with an ex, particularly if you live together or have children. That said, research suggests that the reason why you’re maintaining contact can matter. For example, those who maintain contact because they have ongoing romantic attraction are more likely to experience negative outcomes than those who have pragmatic reasons for staying in touch, such as co-parenting or a shared living situation. 

If you do have to communicate with your ex, it can be beneficial to set boundaries about how and when you will communicate. For example, if you share responsibility for raising children, you may agree to limit your contact to co-parenting-related discussions over text. It can be helpful to be proactive and define a course of action for when you do need to communicate, rather than letting things happen on their own.

Grieve the past relationship without getting stuck

It may be easy to get stuck in wondering about what-ifs or trying to get a better view of the past to guess where your former love story went wrong. There isn’t a definitive answer to how long it takes to get over someone, but you may not grieve the relationship forever. At some point, you might be ready for a new or stronger connection with yourself.

Rebuild your everyday life

Making positive changes in your life after a breakup can lead to personal growth and development, helping you move on without lingering issues from the relationship. There are various ways to do this, some of which are explored below.

Make the relationship a distant memory through routine shifts and self-care

Restarting after a breakup can feel like you’re planning a new life, but shifting your routine by focusing more on yourself can be an effective way to get started. For example, the aftermath of a breakup can be a valuable time to catch up on self-care. Journaling can be a positive way to express your thoughts and emotions while giving you a record of your progress.

Self-care may sometimes feel like a chore if you’re feeling down after a breakup. Try to ensure that your basic needs are being met. For example, take a shower, grab a healthy meal, stay hydrated, and go to bed at the same time each night to make sure you get enough rest. A walk around the block or lunch with a friend may help you start a new routine.

Identity reset after a failed relationship

Part of getting over an ex and moving on may be examining why the relationship ended and learning from it. Breakups often hurt, but when relationships end, they might bring positive changes to your life if you learn from past mistakes and grow. Examine how you reacted to conflict in the relationship, and identify areas where you can improve to be a better partner. 

After a failed relationship, the people around you may want to offer their perspective or give you advice. It can help to remember that you are not obligated to discuss the details of your relationship with friends and family. You may politely but firmly say that you appreciate the concern, but don’t want to talk about your ex.

Spending time with supportive friends and family after a breakup could make recovering from lingering feelings feel more manageable. However, try to cultivate a healthy, positive environment. You may heal faster when you surround yourself with people who allow you to express your emotions in a place that helps you relax. Finding and focusing on new friendships may also be very helpful for healing and transformation.

Learn from it without blaming yourself

When a relationship ends, it can be helpful to spend some time gaining some perspective on what you learned. Doing so can help you grow and learn more not only about yourself but also what you need from your next relationship.

What you can take forward

You don’t have to relive every moment or spend a lot of time trying to figure out what went wrong. The truth is that relationships may end for a combination of reasons, from timing to incompatibility to life changes. Instead of focusing on the past, think about what you can do differently in the future. Some questions you might ask yourself to help you determine what you can take forward to your next relationship may include: 

• Did you express your needs and boundaries clearly? 
• Were there any red flags you ignored early on?
• Did you have arguments that drove you apart?
• Did you get what you needed to feel valued and secure?

When you feel afraid or stuck

When getting over a breakup, your emotions might change from one day to the next. One morning, you might wake up feeling that the day is manageable; the next, you might not be able to get your ex out of your head. These feelings can be normal, but there are some signs to look for that may indicate that you need additional support. 

Signs you may need extra support

Some signs that you may need help coping with a breakup may include: 

• You are stuck in a loop of rumination and what-ifs.
• You’re having a difficult time meeting basic needs, like eating, sleeping, or maintaining hygiene.
• You feel disconnected or detached from your own life.
• You are turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like alcohol or other substances. 
• Your friends and family members have expressed concern about your mental health. 
• You are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide. 

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Text or call 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. Support is available 24/7.

Therapy could help you move on after a breakup

Many people struggle to learn how to get over an ex and move on with their lives. It may help to speak to a licensed therapist, either online or in person, for help examining and working through your feelings. If virtual treatments sound like a fit for you, online therapy providers like BetterHelp often offer convenient, available appointments through phone or video calls and asynchronous online chats that give you the option to choose the best method for you. 

Many therapists have successfully used couples therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to treat various mental conditions. Recent studies have shown that CBT can be as effective online as it is for in-person treatments.