“I Miss My Ex So Much”: Tips For Navigating A Breakup

Missing your ex at some point can be an extremely common experience for human beings. A breakup can leave you with a knot of emotions to untangle, and loneliness and doubt can set in. You may start to wonder if you made the right choice, if you should reach out to your ex, or if you should think about getting back together. Below is some guidance for navigating these feelings, including healthy ways to cope, reflection questions to help you decide what to do next, and tips for connecting with a therapist to get additional support.

“I miss my ex”: Validating your feelings about your relationship

Ending a relationship is often painful. You might find you start missing your ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or ex-partner—even if ending the relationship was the right decision—and feel unsure of how to move forward. Know that your thoughts and feelings are valid; a breakup is an emotionally difficult experience. Also know that the healing process looks different for everyone, and your timeline will be personal and unique to you. Spend time reflecting on your past relationship at your own pace and in your own way—and with the support of a therapist, if you’re looking for guidance.

Why do I miss my ex so much?

It can be normal to miss your ex, but identifying exactly why may help you move on. The following are a few common reasons for missing a former partner, even if you were the one who initiated the breakup.

You miss the emotional bond, not just the person

Having a partner can represent companionship, intimacy, and an emotional bond—even if the relationship isn’t the right one for you. It may be that you miss having these aspects of emotional connection, whether it’s someone to tell about your day or a warm body to snuggle up with on the couch. While considering this aspect after a breakup can feel lonely, entering or reentering a relationship only to avoid this feeling isn’t typically helpful.

Your brain misses the routines

Over time, it’s common for couples to form shared routines, like morning texts, regular phone calls, cooking meals together, or watching new episodes of a show together. After a breakup, not having these routines can change the structure of your daily life, and missing them can sharpen the emotional pain you're feeling. It can be helpful to remember that building new routines can take time, but it’s often a positive step forward.

You simply need time

Again, it’s normal to miss your ex. Trying to avoid or change your emotions usually isn’t successful. Instead, it can be helpful to practice allowing these feelings to exist without judging them. Giving yourself a few weeks or a few months (depending on the length of the relationship) to process the change without making any big life decisions during that time can often support your healing process.

How long is normal to miss your ex?

It can be normal to miss your ex strongly for weeks or months, with feelings often diminishing over months or years. That said, no two people heal in exactly the same way, and many other factors can affect your timeline, such as:

• Relationship length. Someone who was in a five-year relationship may miss their ex for a longer time than someone who was in a six-month relationship. 
• Proximity. Someone who has to see their ex at work every day, for example, may have a harder time moving on than someone whose ex moved to a different city. 
• Personality tendencies. Someone who has a tendency to ruminate on the past—from their first kiss to each moment of the breakup—may miss their ex for longer than someone who doesn't.
• Self-care and routines. Someone who picks up a hobby, starts a workout routine, and regularly makes plans with friends after a breakup, for instance, may find it easier to heal than someone whose routines stay the same and who has few self-care practices.

All that said, keep in mind that recovering from a breakup is not linear. While your emotions may feel most intense at the start of the grief process, you might have spikes of strong feelings weeks or even months down the line. With time, however, healing is possible.

Being aware of situations that trigger you missing your ex

Understanding what types of scenarios make you miss your ex more can allow you to avoid or at least be aware of them, especially in the first few weeks. For many people, reminders of their ex or seeing their posts on social media can heighten painful feelings and negative emotions, which is why removing reminders and unfollowing them for a while is often recommended. 

It’s also common to miss your ex more when you’re lonely or stressed, so having other people to lean on for emotional support can be helpful. Drinking alcohol can intensify feelings of missing your ex too, so you may benefit from avoiding it.

Should I tell my ex I miss them?

When you’re missing your ex, it’s common to feel the urge to reach out to them and share your feelings. Before you do so, think about what you want to get out of sending that message. If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to, it may help to turn to a friend instead. If you want to seriously discuss rekindling the relationship, considering this carefully before moving forward (as discussed below) can be crucial. 

While the urge can be hard to resist, it’s often best to avoid reaching out in a low moment just to say you miss them. In many cases, agreeing to cut contact and stop talking to your ex for at least a few weeks or months is best for the healing process of both parties.

Healthy ways to cope when you miss your ex

Trying healthy coping mechanisms when you miss your ex could help you preserve your well-being. Consider exploring the following.

Use grounding exercises

You might look for healthy ways to ground yourself when you feel a wave of missing your ex. Real or perceived rejection in a social situation is thought to activate the same region in the brain as physical pain, so these feelings can be intense—but they will often pass, and grounding exercises may help you weather the storm.

Rebuild self-esteem

A breakup can sometimes affect your self-esteem, so you might spend the following weeks and months working to rebuild it. Practicing self-compassion, self-love, and self-respect, setting realistic goals, and celebrating your efforts and successes may help.

Start an exercise routine

If you don't already have one, starting an exercise routine can have many benefits in the wake of a breakup. Exercise helps boost mood and confidence for many people. It can also help get you out of the house, provide a physical outlet for strong feelings, and offer health benefits.

Find new ways to fill your time

Sitting at home by yourself when you would’ve been spending time with your ex can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and make you miss them more. Instead, it can help to make plans that get you out of the house. You might maintain or reconnect with your support system by reaching out to good friends, or expand your circle by joining a club or starting a new hobby you can do with others.

Do some soul-searching without rumination

Once you’re feeling less emotionally raw from the breakup, it may be helpful to spend some time reflecting on the relationship. While taking care not to spiral into negative thoughts, consider how you showed up in the relationship, why it didn’t work, your goals for future personal growth, and what you might want in a future relationship. You can do this type of soul-searching mentally, in a journal, or in a therapy session.

Preparing for your next relationship

If you hope to enter another romantic relationship someday, you may eventually want to take time to think about what to carry with you and what to leave behind. Consider reflecting on the lessons you learned from this breakup so you don’t repeat old patterns in your next relationship with your next partner. If the opportunity arises down the line, you may feel more prepared to build a healthy connection.

Is getting back with an ex a good idea?

Not everyone acts on lingering feelings they may have for their ex, but many do. Data from 2021 suggests that 44% of Americans have gotten back together with an ex after breaking up. If you are considering getting back together with your ex, take time to consider whether it’s a good idea.

Even if domestic violence was not happening, research suggests that people in repeat relationships tend to experience a lack of intimacy and lower levels of fulfillment, love, and sexual and need satisfaction than they did in the relationship’s first iteration. That said, some relationships work after the individuals reunite; it’s all about weighing the factors of your unique situation.

Doing a reality check: considerations before getting back together with an ex

It’s usually not advisable to make a snap decision about getting back together with an ex—and remember that just missing them doesn’t necessarily mean you should get back together. Take plenty of time to reflect on your former relationship and decide if rekindling it is what you really want. Try not to rush things just because you feel lonely or uncomfortable. This can be a big decision, and it deserves careful consideration.

One exercise that may help you move toward a decision is to list all the reasons your relationship worked and, eventually, did not work. Think about your ex’s true character, their habits, and their goals, and whether these align with yours. Reflect on your worst times together and how they were handled, not just your best or most idealized times together. 

As part of this “reality check” exercise, you might also ask yourself questions about other aspects, like:

• Do you trust your ex?
• Do you both want the same things, long-term?
• Are you both willing to forgive each other for what you each did wrong?
• Do you know what you need out of a good relationship, and can they provide it?
• Why do you want to get back together? 
• How will things be different this time if you rekindle your relationship and try to build a new life together?

If you are having trouble answering these questions or weighing the pros and cons of getting back together with your ex, consider journaling. Working with a therapist online or in person can also be an effective way to sort through what you’re feeling.

Tips for starting anew with an ex

If you’ve decided that getting back together is a good idea and your ex agrees, there are a few steps you can take to help rekindle a healthy relationship. First, consider agreeing to progress the relationship slowly so you can assess your needs as you go. Be sure to maintain clear communication along the way. Also, don’t forget to discuss how you’ll work together to resolve the issues that led to your previous breakup.

If you’re struggling to make healthy changes, consider working with a couples therapist.

Missing your ex when you’re in a new relationship 

If you still miss your ex once you’re in a new relationship, it could be helpful to pause and explore this feeling. Did you move on too quickly without time to process the breakup? Is your new boyfriend, new girlfriend, or new partner not a good match for you? Or, have you reflected and decided that reuniting with your ex would actually be best for you? Talking it out with a friend or working with a therapist may be helpful in figuring out why you still miss your ex, even in a new relationship, and how to move forward.

How a therapist can help you navigate a breakup

If you’re experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition like depression or anxiety after your breakup, reach out to a therapist for treatment. Even if you’re not showing signs of a diagnosable condition, a therapist can provide emotional support as you navigate the ups and downs of healing.

If you’d feel more comfortable discussing your emotions from the comfort of your own home, online therapy might be right for you. With BetterHelp, you can get mental health support from a licensed therapist remotely, via video, phone, or live chat. Research suggests that online therapy for treating conditions like depression is often as effective as in-person therapy.