Why Does Love Hurt So Much? Emotional Pain & Mental Health

Throughout history, love has been the subject of countless poems, stories, and art pieces. While some of these celebrate the joy and bliss that come with love, many focus instead on the pain that it can also bring. So why does love hurt so much sometimes? From changes in neurotransmitter levels to activity in the part of the brain affected by rejection, there are real, physiological reasons that love can sometimes hurt. Below is a closer look at exactly why love can be painful, along with healthy coping mechanisms to help you move through the experience. If you’re struggling to manage strong emotions or cope with heartache, connecting with a therapist can help.

A brief cultural and scientific history of love

Throughout history, people have had various interpretations of what causes complex feelings like love and why they affect us the way that they do. A brief review of how the human understanding of love has evolved over the centuries can be helpful in contextualizing the emotions you might feel with this experience.

Early Western conceptions of love

The ancient Greeks believed that there were several different types of love. Depending on the context, love could come in various forms—romantic, familial, playful, etc.

Europeans in the Middle Ages believed that love between people resided in the heart. Therefore, the heart became the symbol of romantic love, and terms like “broken heart” became commonplace.

During the European Renaissance, many artists, writers, and philosophers refocused on the ancient Greeks’ ideas regarding love—particularly the deep, spiritual type of love.

Modern theories of love

It was only in the 20th century that researchers began considering the idea that part of loving feelings could be attributed to chemical processes in the body. First, pheromones were believed to play a role in attracting people and pair-bonding them. This theory became more popular when it was discovered that this was how insects and animals attract one another for breeding purposes.

However, by the 1970s, the endorphin theory of love had overtaken the pheromone theory of love. It posits that neurotransmitters like endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine are released in the brain during the early stages of love, creating an attachment to another person over time.

Today, the more widely accepted view of feelings of love is that they result from a combination of factors, including the chemical reactions caused by the “love neurotransmitter” along with unconscious psychological and emotional desires. Together, these elements can create a state of euphoria that people may experience when they are in love.

How love can be painful

The intensity of the pleasurable emotions associated with love can be so acute that they’re almost painful or difficult to contain. Once dating or in a relationship, conflict or fear of losing the person can be painful as well, and a partner can love you and still hurt you through betrayal or rejection. Heartbreak from any cause can be a difficult emotional experience to bear, and the reason love hurts is linked to how the brain processes it.

Why does love hurt so much?

Why does love hurt? Love involves being vulnerable and putting your true self “out there,” so it’s normal to feel hurt if things don’t go to plan. Reality not matching up with high expectations can also cause pain. Betrayal by the one you love can be emotionally difficult, and unrequited love, rejection, loss, and heartbreak can cause more pain. To realize and understand the mechanisms by which we feel pain from these types of situations, it might help to look more closely at exactly what happens in the brain.

The neurochemistry of love

Again, falling in love involves a flurry of chemical releases in the brain and body, which can have a variety of effects. According to the Harvard Medical School blog, these include:

• A flood of chemicals in the area of the brain that's associated with rewards, which can produce both physical and emotional responses: a racing heart, flushed cheeks, sweaty palms, feelings of passion, feelings of anxiety
• Lower levels of serotonin, which may be responsible for the “intrusive, maddeningly preoccupying thoughts, hopes, terrors of early love”
• An increase in dopamine, which makes love “a pleasurable experience similar to the euphoria associated with the use of cocaine or alcohol”
• A deactivation of the neural pathway responsible for negative emotions like fear and social judgment

Knowing this, it becomes easier to see how the experience of love can set a person up for a ride on an emotional roller coaster. The pleasure and reward center of our brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals while other areas experience a depletion of different chemicals, potentially leading to a push-and-pull of positive and negative emotions. Plus, the deactivation of the pathway responsible for negative emotions can lead us to ignore red flags in a new relationship, potentially resulting in a crash later on when conflict arises or things don’t work out.

The neurological and cognitive effects of rejection

Even if the most powerful feeling you have when you’re in true love is positive and exciting, it can be painful when your love isn’t reciprocated, or when it leads to an unhealthy relationship with the wrong person. Unrequited love hurts because of the way it’s processed neurologically. 

Researchers have observed that the pain a person feels when they’re rejected activates the anterior cingulate cortex—the same part of the brain that processes physical pain—which explains why this type of acute emotional distress can feel so intense. We’re wired for this to be a painful experience because, in the days of early humans, being cast out of your social group made it nearly impossible to survive. 

Rejection can also be incredibly painful because of the negative thoughts it can cause. Rumination, or “obsessional thinking involving excessive, repetitive thoughts or themes,” and related intrusive thoughts can make it hard to forget the experience of rejection. Having this type of thought on a loop can contribute to low self-esteem and symptoms of anxiety and depression over time, which can make things worse for a person who is already in so much pain from the event itself.

Can lost love actually cause physical pain?

Again, because of the way the brain processes the emotional and social pain of losing real love and experiencing heartbreak, these emotions can feel almost physically painful. But can love-related emotional experiences actually cause real, physical hurt and other symptoms in the body?

When heartbreak impacts the body

It’s possible for the stress of heartbreak to contribute to actual, physical health impacts. For example, “broken heart syndrome,” a physical illness also known as stress cardiomyopathy, occurs when grief or shock results in a temporary enlargement of the heart, causing symptoms similar to a heart attack. According to the National Institute of Health, cases of this syndrome are on the rise in middle-aged and older adults. While most people with this condition recover, serious complications can occur.

What to do when love hurts

Experiencing pain at some point is generally a part of the human experience of love. Using healthy coping mechanisms like the following can help you move through it.

Lean on your social support network

Reflect on the cause of the pain

In some cases, like when heartbreak or betrayal occurs, it’s easy to see where the pain of love is coming from. In others, it may be your own underlying beliefs or mental health challenges that are causing you to feel pain regarding your love life. Could low self-esteem be leading to unfulfilling connections? Is it possible that undiagnosed depression or anxiety is impacting your ability to relate to a date or partner in a healthy way? Is an insecure attachment style causing tension? Being honest with yourself about where the problems are coming from can help you decide how to move forward. Journaling and therapy are two common ways to uncover these.

Communicate with your partner

If your current romantic relationship is causing you pain, communicating with your partner can often help. By being honest and open about your feelings, the two of you may be able to gain insight into how to move forward through couples therapy. 

For instance, research suggests that couples who express affection in their partner’s primary love language have higher relationship satisfaction, so learning each other’s most valued forms of receiving love could help solve the problem of feeling neglected or disconnected. Whatever the core issue may be, communication is often the first step towards a possible resolution.

Practice self-care

Practicing self-care can be important as you navigate the ups and downs of romantic love. Some self-help strategies that may help improve your well-being and your resilience include:

• Exercise regularly
• Get enough sleep
• Eat nutrient-rich meals often
• Make time to connect with friends and loved ones
• Spend time in nature
• Practice meditation

Use grounding strategies for waves of intense emotion

Especially in the wake of a romantic betrayal or heartbreak, you might sometimes feel waves of intense emotion like sadness, anger, or pain. Taking a few minutes to do a grounding exercise may help you move through this moment of acute emotional distress. For example, you could do some breathing exercises or try the technique where you name five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell, and one you can taste to reconnect to your body and your environment.

Rebuild your sense of meaning

If you’re experiencing the pain of deep love because of a breakup, finding ways to build a sense of new meaning may be helpful. For example, you might:

• Reflect on the good you got out of this experience or the lessons you learned
• Focus your energy on other relationships (like with family or friends)
• Journal about your personal values and goals, especially if this relationship has you putting your own needs or dreams last

In other words, reconnecting with yourself and the ways you found meaning before this painful experience may help you heal.

Discuss with a therapist, “Why does love hurt so much?”

Experiencing heartbreak is a common reason to seek the support of a therapist. They can help you examine the situation, find constructive ways to process the pain, and use healthy coping mechanisms and adaptive skills to move forward.

If you notice signs that your pain may be turning into depression or anxiety, it can be especially important to seek support. Talk therapy is usually the first-line treatment for these conditions, and symptoms don’t usually go away without professional treatment.

Getting emotional support through online therapy

If you’d like to meet with a therapist but heartbreak makes it hard to leave the house, options for virtual support are available. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched and then meet with a licensed therapist from the comfort of home, via phone, video, or live chat. Research suggests that online therapy can often be an effective treatment for mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, so you can feel confident in the quality of care available online.