Updated November 11, 2021
Does your husband always seem like an angry person? Are his words and actions filled with negativity more than positive thoughts? Loving someone who is an angry person or dealing with constant anger issues and feelings of negativity can feel quite challenging. When that someone is your husband, the uncertainty and discomfort at not knowing what to do to can be overwhelming. However, keeping a mindset of problem solving is a good idea. It can feel as though you have to walk on eggshells with your husband to avoid getting the silent treatment, but keep hope. All married couples have dealt with the stressful and hard time of arguing. If you and your husband are both willing to diminish your marriage problems, this article will be helpful.
Why is My Husband Or Spouse Always Angry?
Living in a marriage with an angry husband, especially where there seems to be a constant presence of anger or negativity, it can be easy to feel hopeless. However, as lonely as you may feel at times, there is help for overcoming the anger issues plaguing your relationship. In fact, with proper intervention, your husband can learn ways to manage his anger and to be optimistic. Also, by using the right resources, you can learn ways to cope with the effects of your husband's anger.
For many couples dealing with marriage problems, marriage counseling can be an excellent resource. But, perhaps there are some things you can clear up in this moment by taking a look at his point of view. Does your husband work full time? Is he under a lot of stress? Although lashing out isn’t right, that could be where your husband’s anger comes from. The marriage problems you are experiencing could be because he’s mad at a certain situation outside of your relationship. Maybe your husband's anger is due to the fact that he has anxiety and would rather stay at home, so he is very defensive. There could be many factors going on that affect his mood, which is important to keep in mind.
Effects of Anger and Negativity On Marriage, Family, and Relationships
Emotional issues, such as anger or constant thoughts of negativity can have long-term effects on the person who is angry, as well as the spouse. Your husband's anger can low your self-esteem, and can even make you feel as though making your husband happy is a full time job. But, you should have to walk on eggshells worrying about your marriage problems. If your husband is experiencing anger often, it is understandable that you may feel anxious at times. If he seems to constantly be projecting negativity, feeling unappreciated, or experiencing your own self-esteem issues could result. This is even more so the case if he is emotionally abusive.
Living with a husband's anger, or with an angry person who projects anger and negativity, constantly – can affect the quality of your life. Your husband’s anger may feel too angry or overwhelming for you to communicate. Your angry husband may be unwilling to participate in otherwise enjoyable moments. Second, you may experience loss of enjoyment because being around someone who is constantly angry and displaying obvious signs of anger issues –is exhausting. Lastly, you may start to think, “This marriage just doesn’t work. It’s time to divorce.” Clearly, these instances and thoughts should be avoided.
When you’re in a relationship with an angry person, some of the following may occur:
Damage to a feeling of safety and trust
Fear toward self-giving and of receiving love
Fear of being hurt
A spouse becoming distant
Sadness, loneliness, and anxiety
Damage to self-esteem and the sense of being a gifted person and a gift to one’s spouse
A weakening of self-giving to children
An increase in sexual temptations
An increase in drinking, gambling, and other compulsive behaviors.
You fight over the same things multiple times.
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Two approaches are important for you to consider. The first is doing your best to help your husband, in a healthy way, to cope with his own anger issues. The second is ensuring that you are protecting yourself. His anger should never be taken out on you and it’s important for you to have a support system in place. More importantly, he should never turn to physical abuse or emotional abuse. These are unacceptable behaviors and should not be tolerated.
How to Deal with Angry People – Find Out Why Your Husband Is Always Angry to Begin With
To address issues of anger and negativity, you have to get to the source behind your husband’s anger issues. Finding out what events or feelings are leading to your husband’s anger issues that are having a negative impact on your marriage is a great place to begin healing. Perhaps you are a stay at home mom and the pressure of his full time job is just too much to handle. Or, perhaps he is getting stir crazy because he never gets to leave the house. No matter the concern, get to the bottom of your husband's anger. Online therapy for couples has been proven to strengthen relationships, and may help with anger management and communication skills.
You may read the full study here:
Marriage: A Randomized Controlled Trial of the Web-Based OurRelationship Program: Effects on Relationship and Individual Functioning.
One of the best ways to figure out your marriage problems, and get to the root of why he’s mad, is to attend marriage counseling. No matter if you’re 20 years married and know your husband like the back of your hand or are newlyweds, a counselor can help reveal some deep issues he’s having. Getting support from a licensed mental health professional to help resolve your husband’s anger issues is one of the best things you can do for your marriage.
When you take part in individual and couples counseling sessions, your licensed provider can teach you how to help your husband with expressing anger in a healthier way. For example, your counselor can teach you how to respond when your husband has an angry outburst. In counseling, you’ll learn coping skills for managing a relationship with an angry spouse. To get to the source of your husband’s feelings, there are a few things to do.
Talk to Your Husband or Spouse - Start a Discussion about Potential Reasons Why Your Husband is Always Angry
It’s likely that your husband’s anger issues are coming from unresolved mental health issues, early childhood trauma, or current events that are causing anger issues to fester and grow. Most people with anger issues have unexpressed emotions about unexpected situations in their lives, and this may be causing your husband's anger. People who have mental health issues may display anger issues as a symptom of a larger mental health condition. This is especially true for people who have developed anger issues as a result of trauma, abuse, or neglect in early childhood.
When you have important conversations with your husband about his anger issues, it’s important that you allow him to express himself without judgment. It’s natural to want to express how your husband’s anger issues are affecting you. However, the best time to address issues with an angry person is after they’ve calmed down and with a trusted third-party (like a licensed therapist) present.
Remember, there will be a time for you to express your thoughts and feelings about how your
angry husband’s outbursts have affected you. First, you have to open the door of communication to begin a conversation with an angry person – even your husband. Remind yourself, “I love my husband”, when you feel frustrated, this is not the time to express that. The idea here is to show support and let him know you’re in his corner. If he lashes out at you, remember: you are not a punching bag. Go out and enjoy an activity that brings you joy, such as getting a nice meal with a friend, enjoying a manicure, going for a walk outside, calling a friend, etc. You do not have to succumb to your husband's anger.
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Consider His Quality of Life - Look at Things From His Perspective With Feelings of Compassion and Without Blame or Placing Fault
As mentioned previously, some men find it difficult to talk about things that concern them. This can be aggravated by anger issues. This may be especially true if your husband is the primary breadwinner in the family or is responsible for caring for others outside of your household. Changes in his career or in your family dynamic are all factors that may affect your husband’s mood. Your husband’s anger can be coming from any of these things. This is why it’s important to address your husband’s anger issues delicately.
It can be easy to compare your own thoughts and feelings and to wonder why you can “keep it together” when your husband may not be able to. However, remember, you are trying to get to the source of his anger and frustration. Talk to your therapist about how your angry husband makes you feel in individual and couples counseling sessions to assure your voice is heard.
Have There Been Recent Events That Have Impacted Your Husband or Spouse? Could These Events Have Caused Feelings of Stress, Trauma, Grief, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, or Guilt?
Human beings are emotional creatures, and this includes both men and women alike. The difference between men and women, however, is that women often find it easier to talk about their feelings openly. Being open and honest about your feelings is the first step to take in addressing anger issues. Men, on the other hand, have been led to believe talking about their feelings is “sappy” or "not manly.” Being unable to honestly express themselves can be one symptom of an angry husband.
Think about any changes that may have occurred that affected your husband. For example, the loss of a friend or loved one, change in or loss of a job, or changes in his physical health are common causes of many angry husbands. Any of these things can cause stress, which affects mood and behavior. These factors can contribute to having an angry husband to deal with – more often than not. If you find that you’re dealing with an angry husband more often lately, it’s time to seek help.
Protecting Yourself From Your Angry Husband Or Angry Spouse
If having to deal with an angry husband is starting to take a toll on your marriage – it can be easy to take it very personally. It’s important to remember that anger issues are a strong indicator of a deep-rooted issue. His anger and his negativity are not your fault. Ignoring the way you feel about his issues and internalizing your feelings could lead to depression or anxiety for you. So, don’t trick yourself into thinking, “I’m happy,” as this can lead to more issues. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help and support when you have to deal with an angry husband. Talk to your therapist about how you're affected by your husband's anger, and how you feel to learn new anger management techniques that both you and your husband can apply. It’s important to seek advice when you’re dealing with an angry person on a daily basis (in order to avoid becoming an angry person yourself.)
Being there for your husband and showing support is great. However, don’t forget that you must take care of yourself, too. Having a support system of friends and family will help prevent you from feeling lonely while living with your husband's anger. Also, if you begin to feel overwhelmed, by constantly being in the presence of an angry person, talk with a counselor or therapist to help you work through your emotions. No matter how much you care for your husband, you are responsible for your own health and well-being. It’s OK to take steps to make sure you are living your best life by mitigating the effects of living with an angry person.
When You and Your Husband or Spouse Need The Help and How Online Therapy May Be The Answer
Even the most open and loving relationships may experience times that intervention is necessary. Being supportive of your husband means being willing to say it's time for help. During times like this, you and your husband may benefit from individual or couples' therapy. While your husband may benefit from individual therapy, he may feel more at ease going to couples' therapy with you at first.
There are many options available for counseling. Some couples may prefer to find a counselor or therapist that they can meet with in person, such as in a counseling center or support group. When meeting with a counselor in person seems difficult, especially if both your husband and you are unable to meet at the same time, another option is online counseling.
The trend of online counseling is experiencing increased popularity. With online counseling services, clients can schedule a time to chat online or have video calls with a counselor or therapist.
BetterHelp, for example, is dedicated to providing professional counseling services to individuals experiencing difficulties. Our team of counselors, doctors, and social workers are educated to deliver quality mental health care. Our goal is to offer mental health care that is convenient and affordable, no matter what your situation. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp counselors, from people experiencing similar issues.
"My husband and I are very appreciative of Valorie's help and guidance in helping us work through some marital issues. After a few months of working weekly with her, we feel better equipped to weather our storms."
"I've only had two sessions with Linda but have learned a lot about my relationship with my husband and she has given me a lot of food for thought and different ways to look at the situation as well as ideas on communication. She has been very helpful!"
If your husband is an angry person who is experiencing issues with anger, negativity, and lack of communication, it can feel overwhelming at times. Living in a relationship with an angry person isn't easy. Ask yourself, what does "I love my husband" mean to you? Does it mean labeling your husband as an angry person without delving into the issues causing the anger? Or does it mean becoming an angry person yourself and refusing to address the elephant in the room? Can you go to bed at night thinking, “I’m happy”? Knowing how you feel about your husband’s behavior can keep you two on track to healing.
Being patient and understanding that your husband may be more than just an "angry person" will help open the door of communication with him. There are times that intervention for someone consistently engaging in angry behavior or who comes across as an angry person (most of the time) may be necessary. No matter what you're experiencing, or even if you're the angry person in your relationship -- you should ensure that you're protecting your mental health and your relationship. Take the
first step today. Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship Problems with Husbands
Even though you feel alone in the fight for your marriage, you are not. Remember, every marriage has problems. Most people have questioned their spouse’s anger or behaviors. However, an abusive relationship is never acceptable, no matter how many years married you two are. With that being said, here are some answers to frequently asked questions about irritable husbands.
How do I deal with an irritable and angry husband? What can I do when my husband is always angry and full of rage?
husband is always irritable, it is best to talk to him about it. Many spouses roll their eyes and think, “Talking doesn’t work. I can never get through to him.” The truth is, if you sit your husband down and he is thinking logically, he will likely listen to you. Although it may not feel like it, your husband loves and cares for you. Although he is irritable, and sometimes downright mean, he should listen to you and make changes to his behavior. You may even consider tell him the following to get a conversation started about why he could be irritated:
I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm always here to listen.
Is there something I can do to make you feel better?
Telling or asking your husband things like this could start a conversation or simply let him know that you're there to support him when and if he chooses to open up.
Why does my husband get mad at me so easily? Is there a reason why my husband is always angry, like stress?
husband is always angry, your husband may be stressed out. If he works all day, then comes home and acts irritable, then he is likely under a lot of pressure. It can add even more pressure if you are a stay at home mom, and he works full time to keep the finances in order. He likely feels a heavy burden on him. Or, perhaps he doesn’t work, and you are the one who works full time. This may make him feel stir crazy or insecure. This is something you will want to talk with him about and discuss his feelings. Ask him if he is stressed out and what you can do to help. He will likely appreciate the offer and improve his treatment towards you.
What do you say to an angry husband or spouse or when your husband is full of rage?
If you make your husband
angry because you genuinely did something wrong, it is best to apologize. A simple “I’m wrong” can do wonders for improving your husband’s mood. However, if you did nothing wrong and your husband is angry with you for no apparent reason, you shouldn’t say you are in the wrong, just to abate your husband's anger. This can create an unhealthy cycle in which you are manipulated into saying sorry. Your husband shouldn’t force you into apologizing or make you feel bad for things you have done. This is very unhealthy and can do damage to your emotional and mental health.
Is anger or even rage a symptom of anxiety?
Absolutely. Anger is a very common symptom of anxiety, as the person is under a significant amount of stress. An anxiety attack happens when the body is triggered by something stressful. Although the trigger may seem minor to someone else, it can trigger the fight or flight mode in an individual with anxiety. They simply cannot control what is going on with their body, which can be a very scary moment. So, they may act out in anger when someone speaks to them.If your husband has anxiety, this could very well be the reason he is angry or irritable.
Is there a mental disorder for anger? And if so, can a mental health therapist in therapy or counseling help?
There are many mental disorders that are associated with anger. Some common ones are depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, and ADHD. Although anger management issues are not always seen with these disorders, they can be a symptom. Another thing to note is anger is a symptom of insomnia, as the person struggling deals with a lack of sleep and irritability. If your husband has a diagnosed mental disorder, look up the symptoms of it. See if anger is a common symptom. If it is, then sit him down during a good moment and discuss your worries. Tell him you care deeply for him and want the best for him. Recommend he sees a counselor himself so he can get better, and to improve your marriage.
What are the three types of anger?
There are many different types of anger that are debated. Some people claim there are 12 types of anger, while some say there are three. But, according to
Your Life Counts, the three types of anger are passive aggression, open aggression, and assertive anger. Passive aggression is the most widely known, in which people leave hints that they are mad. If your husband is passive-aggressive, he will likely sigh, mumble under his breath, or roll his eyes when he thinks you’re not looking. This is a very unhealthy way to communicate your anger, and as you may know, it can be frustrating for the other person.
Open aggression is where the person who is
angry yells, slams door, or lashes out. This is also very unhealthy, as it is very unproductive and can be scary for the other person. No one enjoys being lashed out at, especially by their spouse. But, with assertive aggression, the spouse communicates their anger clearly and healthily. They confront their spouse about what is wrong, and stay calm and logical throughout the debate. An assertive aggressive person will not make fun of their spouse, intentionally scare them, or make them feel small. This is the most healthy type of anger.
Is it normal for a husband to yell at his wife or spouse?
Unfortunately, it is normal for husbands to yell at their wives. Alternatively, it is normal for wives to yell at their husbands. However, this does not mean it is healthy or right. Yelling is a very ineffective way of communicating. It is unproductive and can damage your marriage. No matter if you are 20 years married, or two, you and your husband must break this habit
When your husband yells at you, in a very calm voice, say, “I think yelling is unproductive and disrespectful. I would appreciate it if you lowered your voice so we can resolve our issues more quickly.” Hopefully, this will calm him down, but if it doesn’t, it is best to separate yourself from him. Give him some time to cool down and stop yelling at you. Then, once he is calm, repeat that you would appreciate it if he no longer yelled at you. Reiterate that yelling is highly ineffective and unhealthy. There is nothing that can be said yelling that you couldn’t say calmly.
Why is my husband or spouse so distant?
If your husband is distant, he may have something on his mind. Or, he may be shutting you out because he is stressed out. Do you know if he is sad or stressed about something? If you don’t know, ask him what is on his mind. Sit down with a gentle and understanding voice and let him know you are there for him. Hopefully, he will open up to you about what is going on in his life. If that doesn’t work, then consider seeking the help from a licensed counselor.
Therapy Is Personal
Therapy is a personal experience, and not everyone will go into it seeking the same things. But, keeping these nine things in mind can ensure that you will get the most out of online therapy, regardless of what your specific goals are.
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For more information on mental health, please see:
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NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NIMH Instagram, NIMH Facebook, NIMH Twitter, NIMH YouTube
APA (American Psychiatric Association), APA Twitter, APA Facebook, APA LinkedIN, APA Instagram
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