Ways To Support Survivors Of Domestic Violence: A Guide
Domestic violence can occur when one partner in an intimate relationship might behave in a way that maintains power and control over their partner. Anyone can be a survivor and perpetrator of domestic violence, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation or race. While domestic violence can be harmful to those experiencing it, it can also be difficult for bystanders and loved ones to witness and acknowledge.
If you know someone experiencing domestic violence, you may be wondering how you can best help them. Below, we’re going to cover how you can support domestic violence survivors and support them in obtaining the help they need.
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence, also sometimes known as domestic abuse, can constitute physical, emotional, financial, and sexual abuse between intimate partners. Some examples of domestic abuse can include hitting, insulting, stalking, tracking your social media activity, preventing communication with family, performing unwanted sexual acts, and controlling finances.
How to recognize possible signs of domestic violence
Since intimate partners might spend lots of time alone with each other, it may be difficult to tell when a friend, family, or coworker is experiencing abuse from their partner. The abuser may also only act abusively when they are alone, which can make it hard to directly witness abuse.
Some signs of domestic abuse to watch for can include:
- Unexplained bruises
- Being on edge around their partner(s)
- Social withdrawal or spending less time with friends
- Verbally affirming or expressing safety concerns
Since it can be difficult for individuals to express if they are experiencing domestic violence, it can be important to listen to and trust someone if they tell you they are experiencing domestic abuse. Talking about abuse is not always easy, and sometimes survivors might feel as if they will be in more danger if they discuss their abuse. Remember that all reports of abuse should be taken seriously and acted upon accordingly to safeguard the health and wellness of everyone involved.
Helping friends and family experiencing domestic violence: Where to start
If you suspect that someone you know personally is experiencing domestic violence, it is generally possible to support them in a safe way. During this process, it can be important to remember that being surrounded by domestic violence can be a traumatic experience—even if you are not experiencing abuse yourself. Therefore, it can be important to take note of your emotions and feelings and seek help when necessary. You may be able to better support your loved ones if you first support yourself.
If you or a loved one are experiencing domestic violence, please consider contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
How you support someone who is experiencing domestic violence can depend on how you learned about the violence.
- If your loved one comes to you for help: You may choose to let them know you support and care about them. You can also listen to what they have to say rather than letting them know your feelings about their relationship or situation. You can also remind them that abuse is not their fault and they do not deserve to experience it, putting them in contact with resources that can help.
- If your loved one acknowledges the abuse but does not ask for help: You can choose to directly ask them how they’d like you to help, possibly giving you more insight into their personal safety and experiences. They may ask you for a range of supportive actions, such as serving as their emergency contact, creating code words for urgent communication or holding onto copies of important documents and resources. Your loved one may also wish you to support them as they develop a plan to leave their partner.
- If your loved one denies experiencing abuse, but abusive behavior is observed: You can still let them know that you support and care about them. Rather than framing the situation around being with a bad partner or making bad choices, you can instead center your concerns and vocalization around the individual’s safety. Even if they are not open to accepting their abuse or your help, you can let them know that they can contact you any time. Showing up with support, love and patience can go a long way for survivors of abuse.
We do want to note: While it can be important to validate a survivor’s feelings, it can also be important to let them know that abuse is not okay and doesn’t need to be tolerated by them. Sometimes, individuals might not know that abuse is abnormal and unacceptable—especially if they’ve never been in a healthy intimate relationship. Affirming this can empower some to seek a higher overall quality of life. If you choose to remind them of this, it can be helpful to use the utmost discretion to avoid causing any further conflict between your loved one and their partner(s).
Connecting survivors with supportive resources: Where to begin
While you can serve as a trusted support system for someone experiencing domestic violence, it can sometimes be necessary to advise them to turn to professional help. This can be a powerful step for many. In fact, one study suggests that even if survivors of violence may not seek out these resources on their own, having someone point them in the right direction may encourage them to seek help.
A good place to start for many may be a domestic violence shelter. These spots can offer support in the form of emergency services, safe places for survivors to live, specialized counseling, and legal services. Individuals who work at these centers often have years of experience working with domestic violence and can provide specific and helpful support.
If you worry someone is in immediate physical danger, you can contact law enforcement at any time. However, it can be important to remember that if a survivor denies abuse when authorities show up, their abuse may become worse. This can be a reason why many choose to leave the situation rather than immediately involve authorities, possibly attempting to enact some form of self-preservation.
If you aren’t sure where to start, or if your loved one needs support in a more discrete way, you may recommend that they speak with a licensed online therapist. Therapists can help individuals who are experiencing abuse, and may decrease feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and distress in some. Additionally, therapists can support those who are working to actively live and survive abuse as well, possibly offering support that can improve social adjustment.
Seeking help for yourself
Even if you are not experiencing domestic violence yourself, it can be traumatizing to witness it occurring to others. This might be especially true if you feel like you cannot help the person experiencing abuse.
You may find that witnessing domestic violence may make you confused, hopeless or depressed. No matter what you are feeling, however, it can be helpful to recognize that your feelings are valid. You might also benefit from the help of a therapist to work through your feelings, overcome trauma and learn how to best support survivors of domestic violence.
How can online therapy support survivors of domestic abuse?
Survivors of domestic abuse may need therapeutic support that doesn’t require obvious engagement, as in-person therapeutic services would. Additionally, they may find it difficult to attend in-person therapy sessions due to a packed schedule or limited resources (such as reliable transportation or the means to cover high session costs). Online therapy can be a more flexible and convenient way for many, possibly acting as a more appealing alternative for many survivors of domestic violence.
Research suggests that online therapy can be an effective way to treat anxiety disorders, depression, and trauma in many, all of which may occur after witnessing or experiencing domestic violence. Connecting with an online therapist is often the first step for many to develop a plan to improve the symptoms they’re experiencing, allowing them to take the next right step in navigating their situation—whether they are working to support others through domestic violence or whether they are working to leave a violent situation themselves.
Takeaway
What is the best way to help a victim of domestic violence?
Helping victims of domestic violence is often challenging. An abusive relationship can be complex and nuanced, and there are many reasons why a person might struggle to leave it. It is important that friends and family members show support, do not judge, and do not blame the person for their circumstances.
It is also important to recognize the risks associated with ending a relationship with a domestic abuser. Evidence indicates that leaving an abusive partner can be extremely dangerous and, in many cases, should not be attempted without an adequate safety plan. Despite the inherent risks, one of the most supportive things you can do is try to remain in the victim’s life. Many abusers try to isolate their victims and remove them from support networks to maintain control of the relationship.
Besides providing a listening, non-judgmental presence and communicating your willingness to help, one of the most productive things you could likely do is connect the victim with organizations and resources that can help. Organizations that specialize in domestic abuse safety planning are well-equipped to help an individual navigate potential challenges when leaving an abusive partner, such as finding a safe place to stay, resisting the efforts of the abuser to get the victim to return, and maintaining child custody.
Here are two reliable nationwide organizations that can provide immediate assistance:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-7233
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
800-656-HOPE (4673)
https://hotline.rainn.org/online
You can also visit https://www.womenslaw.org/find-help for local resources like shelters, advocates, attorneys, and sheriff departments.
What should you do when caring for a victim of abuse?
When caring for a victim of abuse, it is important to approach them with an earnest willingness to help. They are much more likely to recover with empathetic, non-judgmental supporters. Many abuse victims are blamed for the abuse they experience, and it is vitally important that the victim not be held accountable for the actions of their abuser.
If the person is still in an abusive partnership, you can help them get in touch with a support group or help them develop a safety plan. Express concern empathetically and let them know you’re aware their situation is complicated and frightening. Communicate that you admire the effort they are taking to gain control. Don’t disparage or badmouth their abuser; the emotions surrounding abusive relationships can be complex, and it may take time for the person to realize how severely they are being mistreated.
When the person is ready to talk to an advocate, attorney, or other helpful resource, offer to accompany them as moral support. If you’re able, you may also be able to provide material support, like letting them keep some belongings at your residence in case they need to escape quickly. You can also encourage them to participate in activities outside of their relationship and reach out to other supportive people.
What is the impact of domestic violence on victims?
Victims of domestic violence are at a high risk of adverse impacts on their physical and mental health. Most notable is the risk of being physically hurt at the hands of an abuser. Evidence indicates that nearly 75% of women who have survived a violent relationship experienced a serious injury from their partner. Domestic violence victims are also at a higher risk of other physical health problems, such as chronic pain, sleep disturbances, and heart problems.
The mental health impacts are no less serious. Domestic violence is a severe trauma, and many survivors meet the criteria for a diagnosis of posttraumatic stress disorder. In addition to problems associated with chronic stress, those who have experienced domestic violence are at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and suicide. They may also struggle to engage in a healthy relationship with a new partner due to the overwhelming traumatic exposure they experienced.
What is the impact of domestic violence on the community?
Domestic violence is known to take a serious toll on those who experience it directly, but it also has a serious impact on the health of the community. One of the best-understood examples is the impact domestic violence has on a child. A child raised in an environment of violence and abuse, even if they are not the direct target, can develop significant problems managing stress and controlling emotions. Those children are likely to experience reduced performance at school and more significant mental health concerns overall.
The economic cost of domestic violence can also be staggering. Victims of domestic violence are likely to require significant medical and psychological treatment. They are also more likely to miss days at work, creating potential employment instability. Perpetrators of domestic violence have committed a crime, and it is a considerable expense to prosecute them within a court of law. In addition to economic costs, domestic abusers are also more likely to use violence against people other than their partner, posing a risk to the whole community.
How can a person reduce their likelihood of being a victim?
It is not always possible to recognize whether or not someone is likely to be an abuser. Many perpetrators can disguise their true nature through charm and superficial kindness. Given the relative challenge of spotting an abuser early in a relationship, it is likely a better option to focus on developing an abuse-prevention mindset:
- Learn skills for safe and healthy relationships that support your autonomy and well-being.
- Build self-esteem and resiliency outside of romantic relationships, which will likely make it easier to leave a partner if they become abusive.
- Ensure self-sufficiency and financial independence. Many abusers use finances to control their partners.
- Learn common tactics that abusers use, especially early in the relationship.
- Continue to engage in activities outside of the relationship and maintain strong ties with supportive friends and family.
What are the strategies for getting out of victim mentality?
A “victim mentality” refers to an unreasonable belief that a person is always a victim and others are to blame for problems in their life. It is associated with feelings of helplessness and a lack of control. It is important to note that a victim mentality is illogical by nature; a person cannot constantly blame others for circumstances in their lives.
That distinction is important because it illustrates the persistent nature of a victim mentality. It is an ongoing frame of mind that does not change from situation to situation. The persistence of a victim mentality is what separates it from actual victimhood. Someone who has experienced trauma, abuse, or exploitation is an actual victim, not someone with a victim mentality.
Overcoming a victim mentality may mean confronting past traumas if they are commonly cited as reasons others are to blame for situations not related to the original trauma. If past trauma isn’t getting in the way, it may be helpful to focus on developing emotional intelligence to increase self-awareness and self-reflection. It may also be worthwhile to practice gratitude intentionally, which means setting aside time each day to reflect on positive things that have happened.
How can you help people keep themselves safe from abuse?
Isolation is a common tactic used by all types of abusers, and maintaining strong social ties with someone may help them stay safe from abuse. An empathetic, non-judgmental support network is essential when escaping or avoiding abusive relationships. If you’re worried someone might be at risk of abuse, it will likely be helpful to put in extra effort to maintain strong social ties.
You can also encourage them to develop healthy relationship skills, practice self-respect, and lean on their support network when necessary. It may not be possible to defend someone from entering a relationship with an abuser, but you can help them learn to recognize when they are mistreated and remember that they are worthy of respect and kindness in all their relationship skills.
How do you communicate with an abused person?
Communicating with an abused person requires kindness, respect, and patience. Abusive relationships are traumatic, and it may be challenging to hear about an abused person’s experiences. Be sure to meter your reactions and not show shock or horror, which may signal to the person that you are unwilling to listen to them. Expressing concern may be helpful, but it should be done in a calm, empathetic manner.
Ensure you remain empathetic and don’t blame the victim for their experience. It is common for abuse victims to be blamed for their circumstances, even though leaving an abuser can be complicated and dangerous. Many people fear leaving their relationship due to the judgment of others, and it is important that an abused person can get to a non-judgmental support network.
What responsibility does a person have to recognize and prevent abuse?
Domestic violence and abusive relationships are a community problem and require community effort to address. It is likely much more effective to focus on prevention rather than attempting to locate and disrupt domestic violence once it has begun. Community programs that focus on teaching healthy relationship skills and disrupting the developmental pathways that lead to someone becoming an abuser are known to be effective, but they require cooperation and buy-in from the local community. Recognizing, understanding, and preventing abuse is a universal responsibility.
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