If you are a single adult that is ready for a relationship, you might find yourself wondering how to fall in love with someone. When you are actively searching for the right one for you, though, you may find yourself falling in love a lot more quickly than you planned.
Perhaps you indulge your feelings too soon, only to be crushed when your counterpart doesn’t feel the same way. On the other hand, you may feel deeply and believe you are in love at the beginning of a relationship, but your feelings fade quickly. This can put you in an awkward situation with the person you are dating.
You probably are not meaning to hurt yourself or others in your romantic pursuits. But maybe you just can’t shake how intensely you want to fall in love. The good news is you are not alone. There are many things you can do to pursue love healthily and safely.
If you often think “I miss being in love,” but you know that you are not in an emotional place to be realistic about your potential partner, it may be a good moment to take a pause. You always have the freedom to take whatever pauses you need until you feel in a better place to pursue what is healthy for you.
Abstaining from dating might not be a long-term solution if you plan to seek a lifelong partner. Consider it a temporary resolution that can help you transition to mechanisms that are healthier for you as you build a relationship.
While you are taking a pause from the dating scene, you can use this time to get to know yourself better. Go on dates and out on errands by yourself to really check-in with what you want, independent of others. It can only help you in loving someone else if you know and love yourself whole-heartedly. This study even found that actively spending time alone can lead to decreased stress, allowing you to feel more in control of your emotions and your life.
You may find it difficult to take a breather, especially if you are constantly hearing your internal voice reminding you how badly you want to fall in love. If you treat yourself with patience and grace in this moment alone, you can give yourself room to grow into a more emotionally mature relationship.
Take It Slow
So, you’ve spent a moment away from the dating scene. You spent some time alone sipping mimosas on the patio and reveling in your single days. Or you’ve been dating casually for a while and feel you’re ready for a steady relationship. Whatever has brought you to this moment, you may be feeling excited or maybe even nervous to get back out there as the new and improved you.
When you find the person that you want to date, it can be very tempting to jump right in. If you both feel very intensely about each other from the beginning, it may feel like there are no brakes in sight.
When you come face to face with intense, exciting feelings, remember all the work you did to reach this moment. Remember all the work you did to find stability in yourself.
However challenging, try to enjoy these early moments of a relationship without pushing to move to the next “stage.” Letting your partner get to know you more intimately, like sharing your past struggles or hopes for your next relationship, can help you be on the same page. If this is the right person for you, it will only help your relationship to be open and honest from the start. Taking things slow in this sense, especially while you are just starting to get to know each other, can help you know who this person is and whether you want to continue on.
A long scenic drive is much more beautiful than a speed race. The same is true for relationships. One may very flashy and exhilarating, but the risk is very high. The driver also needs to be highly skilled. The speed race is often over just as quickly as it began. If you want to find a love that suits your needs, slowing down may help you save time in the long run.
Take A Step Back
Maybe your past relationships have moved really quickly. Maybe that’s left you feeling confused when things turn sour just as fast.
You may have found yourself in that situation more than once, wondering what keeps going wrong. It can be challenging to ask yourself honestly what is getting in the way of the love you want so sincerely.
The answer might be simple: you can’t repeat the same song and expect it to have a different tune.
It can be helpful to take a step back from your relationship and look at your relationship history as a whole. Are there patterns you notice? Have you received similar responses from more than one partner? Do you notice narratives you are telling yourself about your past relationships? Are there defense mechanisms that keep popping up?
Are any of those things within your power to change or modulate? Are there ways you could put yourself in a better position to get the desired outcome?
It’s a very understandable challenge to struggle with maintaining a relationship, choosing a compatible partner, or feeling satisfied in your romantic pursuits. It will only ever aid you to know yourself more intimately. Ask yourself who and what you are looking for, and honestly consider how you can best put yourself in that path.
You can try to put yourself out there in different environments than you usually would, if you feel like you keep running down the same dead end. Maybe your local park, community center, or downtown area could offer new people who might shake up the pattern.
Spend More Time With Your Friends
It can become easier to neglect our friendships when we feel invested and excited about a new partner. Everyone has busy lives, so maybe you’re making room for this new connection and your friendship plans are getting squished.
Whether or not you’re in a relationship, spending time with friends can be a great way to center yourself and recharge. It can be tempting to be drawn into your shiny new date but having a strong support system in your friends will help you in the long run. Your friends can be there to field your worries and excitement. Your friends can also be there when you decide it’s time for something (or someone) new.
It’s important to make the important people in your life feel just that: important. Neglecting or dismissing your friends while you are in a relationship just may cost you the support you need later.
The classic adage may have some truth in it: partners come and go, friends are forever. Since any relationship can become really emotionally charged, the risk of it ending quickly is much higher than your stable friendships. By carving out intentional time for your friends, you will maintain space for yourself and your interests.
Timing is key, in life and in romance. While many couples claim that they knew they were meant to be together the instant they met, for others, love can be a waiting game.
If romantic “love at first sight” stories make you feel hopeless or confused, remember that these are often the very exciting exceptions, not the rule. By keeping your expectations realistic, you keep yourself open to the people and opportunities right in front of you.
Realistic expectations mean giving yourself patience and forgiveness for your romance to take its time. Realistic expectations can mean tempering reactions to your new sparks by rushing into something and potentially disrupting its natural course. To build a mutually beneficial life with someone only helps you to know them better and to know the way you work together more closely.
It can be challenging, especially in the beginning, for a new partner to be on the exact same page as you. They may have a different timeline in their head than you do. They may have different short- and long-term intentions. For some, it doesn’t take much time at all to fall in love, and for others, there are boxes that need to be checked off before they commit their heart.
If you find yourself falling in love more quickly than you would like, it can be challenging to stay in the now. Your imagination and willingness to love is what makes you great! It’s important to know yourself and know what’s best for you, regardless of whether there’s a potential partner in your life.
Don’t Take Dating Sites So Seriously
Sometimes, when it feels like ages since you’ve met someone you really like, you might consider turning to a dating website to help you find someone totally new. Some people find lots of success this way.
There are certainly factors to watch out for as you turn to online dating. Your intentions for joining might not be the same as other users. It could be helpful to have honest, specific conversations with potential dates to better understand if your heart and head are in the same place as theirs.
Dating sites are not a universally easy experience. It can be challenging to find meaningful connections over the internet, or it can be challenging to translate an exciting online conversation to a real-life dynamic. Dating sites can also directly decrease our self-esteem as we train our brains to see others (and therefore ourselves) as objects to be evaluated on face value.
Of course, like anything, your safety and wellbeing is paramount. If you choose to go on a date with someone you’ve met online, setting realistic expectations and making sure you feel comfortable in the setting and person you’ve chosen will ensure you can give it your best shot.
Consult A Professional
If you find yourself falling in love too quickly for your comfort, perhaps a trained counselor can provide some helpful tools. If you’re just curious about what you can do to feel more comfortable with yourself as you wait for the right person and the right timing, a therapist can explore that with you.
Perhaps there’s an underlying issue you want to discuss with an unbiased, compassionate ear. Or perhaps you’re just feeling unsure of why things in your life aren’t going the way you’d hoped. You never have to go through life alone. You can meet with a counselor online today.
Meeting with a counselor online to discuss moving forward towards healthy, sustainable behaviors you are happy with can begin today. Studies have found consistently that online therapy is at least just as effective as in-person counseling. Seeking help from a trained counselor for guidance around how you want to date can be very eye-opening and centering.
For many people, online therapy can be a great way to get the help they’re looking for on their terms. With flexible options for care, like video calls, phone calls, or even messaging, you can speak to your trained counselor when you need them. Hopping onto an online service may even feel like less of a big leap than going straight to an in-person program. Long-term online therapy offers the same benefits of in-person sessions, but with the added benefit of your comfort and ease.
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