What Are Monogamous Relations? Is Monogamy Right For You?
Monogamy—originating from the late Latin “monogamia”—is a state or practice where two partners sexually and romantically commit only to the other person. In many modern relationships, this involves having only one partner for sexual and romantic endeavors, regardless of marital status. While some romantic and sexual relationships with sexual exclusivity involve marriage, marriage isn’t required for this relationship style. Serial monogamy—committing to one partner at a time but not for life—is one of the most common relationship structures; many nonmonogamous relationships are stigmatized by Western cultures.
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Find your matchThe origin and meaning of the word "monogamy"
The word monogamy comes from the ancient Greek “monos,” which means single, and “gamos,” meaning marriage. In general, monogamy involves having only one spouse or one other person with whom one is involved romantically and sexually. Monogamy doesn’t always involve marriage, but it can. As a relationship framework, monogamy works for some people, but not everyone.
How sexual and romantic exclusivity are defined
In sexual relationships, being sexually monogamous can be defined as having only one sexual partner to whom you remain faithful, even if sexual attraction to others arises. Romantic exclusivity is similar, involving only one romantic partner. When a partner is unfaithful despite having established exclusivity, it can lead to hurt feelings, broken trust, and the end of a relationship.
The psychology of monogamy
The definition of monogamy is a union with only one person at a time, sometimes referred to as "pair-bonding," and is a type of romantic relationship structure. Whether or not monogamy is the innate form of relationships among humans is undetermined. Some studies theorize that, while infidelity and having more than one spouse are common features of many relationships, serial monogamous relationships may be a more frequent and common form of human relationships. Other studies elaborate on why monogamous marriage may be seen more commonly, proposing that individuals vary in sexual, romantic, reproductive, and parenting behavior and that social stigma is the driver that makes many people identify as monogamous.
Some people prefer monogamous relationships, while others prefer consensually non-monogamous, polyamorous, or open relationships. Open or polyamorous relationships are generally not to be confused with concepts like polygamy, which involves having several spouses at the same time and is illegal in many parts of the world.
Why do some choose monogamy?
Monogamy is uncommon among most other mammals, with 3-5% engaging in strictly monogamous relationships with a mate of the opposite sex. And in fact, humans are no outlier: less than 20% of cultures exhibit strictly monogamous behavior. Many more present a mix where monogamy is just one common structure among several.
Evolutionarily, there is some evidence that having multiple partners can be beneficial. Some scientists postulate that parental involvement originating from non-monogamous bonding allowed for the provision of extra food for offspring, enabling the evolution of the large brains that define our species. As one researcher put it, “the optimal evolutionary strategy is monogamy when necessary, polygamy when possible”.
Regardless of theories on the development of relationship structures in human history, many people choose to pursue social monogamy, committing to only one mate and having just one sexual partner at a time. Some may feel safer with monogamy, and some may prefer strictly monogamous romantic relationships due to their religious beliefs, life experiences, personal preferences, or a desire to avoid the social stigma associated with non-monogamy, such as having more than one wife.
Emotional and psychological aspects of monogamy
For many people, monogamy brings a sense of deep connection, warmth, and safety. A focus on shared goals and values, as well as regular quality time together, can contribute to healthy long-term relationships. Effective communication skills can help a monogamous or married couple navigate hurt feelings and concerns. Couples therapy can also be a valuable resource for those struggling to maintain monogamous relationships.
The role of biology and neuroscience in monogamy
Brain chemistry, hormones, and attachment styles can all influence how monogamy works for an individual. Monogamy varies between humans and many other animals, with the biology of some species leading them to be more sexually monogamous than others. In humans, sexual relationships and choices related to sexual activity have evolved over time, particularly with the advent of birth control.
Challenges in maintaining monogamy
Although monogamy can come with a variety of benefits, it can also come with challenges. For example, keeping a relationship monogamous even when sexual attraction to other people arises can be difficult in some cases. In addition, effective communication tends to be crucial for maintaining monogamy. There’s generally a need to spend time talking about hurt feelings and what each person did wrong in order to resolve conflict, whereas it may be easier to simply walk away or turn to another partner in non-monogamous relationships.
Different ideas of monogamy around the world
Not every culture practices monogamy, and there are various forms of relationships to explore. Some societies historically practiced group marriages or allowed men to have multiple wives, for example. Today, monogamy doesn’t just refer to lifelong partnership; it can also involve serial monogamy, or having a succession of different monogamous relationships. Evolving views on equal rights in marriage and relationships have led to same-sex and LGBTQIA+ marriages being recognized in many places.
Monogamy vs. consensual non-monogamy
While monogamy involves being committed to one person, consensual non-monogamy can allow partners to decide on their own relationship agreement. It’s crucial for all individuals involved to be aware and fully consent to all aspects of this relationship. Often, this requires them to talk at length about different ideas and decide what type of rules or boundaries they would like to have.
Monogamy and modern relationships
Contemporary couples are redefining monogamy through different ideas about what a relationship agreement should entail. While some may decide that monogamy works for them, others may choose not to be monogamous people in favor of consensual non-monogamy or another relationship style.
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If you feel unsure about what type of relationship is right for you or your relationship, you may consider seeking the guidance of a couple’s therapist through online therapy. A 2022 study found that online couples therapy is as effective as in-person therapy.
Additionally, online therapy can provide a physical barrier from your therapist, which some people find can lower their fear of judgment or stigma and help them remain open and relaxed during sessions. Unlike individual therapy, which is frequently covered by insurance, couples therapy is less commonly covered. For these individuals, online couples therapy may be less expensive than in-person therapy.
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Takeaway
What is monogamy in a relationship?
Monogamy is when an individual forms a romantic relationship bond with one person at a time. Monogamous couples form a committed relationship, and in many cultures the custom of being married is the ultimate endgame of monogamy.
There are different types of monogamy, including genetic monogamy, social monogamy, sexual monogamy, and lifetime monogamy.
Beside human beings, there are many socially monogamous species in nature, including coyotes, prairie voles, wolves, and most avian species. Within these species, there is typically a resident male who protects the territory and mates with one female. They may also provide paternal care to the pair’s offspring. Interestingly, the vast majority of mammalian species have non-monogamous mating systems, though monogamy has evolved in some. Only a subset remains with a single mate throughout their lifespan.
Certain hormones may play a role in monogamous behavior. Early studies of male and female prairie voles revealed that an increase in oxytocin can increase partner preference, while the hormone vasopressin also affected male prairie voles.
What is monogamy vs polygamy?
While monogamy is described as the practice of pairing romantically and/or sexually with one partner at a time, polygamy is when an individual has multiple romantic or sexual partners at once. Some people may have a hard time with monogamy, while it might come naturally to others.
Interestingly, monogamy leads to reduced sexual dimorphism between males and females. To explain, in species where males fight for more than one female partner, differences between the sexes are more pronounced.
Is monogamy healthy?
Monogamy is the most mainstream romantic approach in most societies, but monogamy may not be healthy for everyone. Ethical non monogamy is when all partners participate in a discussion, are interested in multiple partners, and agree to having more than one partner at a time as an agreed-upon term of their relationship. For some, this is a healthy and happy way to have relationships, while others prefer to be with one person at a time. Either way can be healthy, depending on the people involved.
Serial monogamy, however, can be an unhealthy pattern, as the individual has a string of monogamous relationships with little time to themselves in between. This behavior may be a sign of low self-esteem, trauma, or other challenges.
Who benefits more from monogamy?
Historically, monogamy has been effective for maintaining male dominance over women, with women losing their names as they join their husband’s family. Today, though marriages are more egalitarian in general, there are still inequalities in domestic labor in many of these relationships.
In some cultures, it is acceptable for a man to take a second wife only if his first wife is unable to bear children.
What is the main disadvantage of monogamy?
Monogamy isn’t necessarily the most convenient way to have families in today’s economic environment. Non-monogamous families and polyamorous people in a long-term relationship can have an advantage when it comes to raising children, as there can be more people contributing financially, as well as more people to share domestic labor.
What percentage of marriages stay monogamous?
A survey in the United States from 2019 found that 56% of married Americans had one spouse in their lifetime.
Do any men want monogamy?
There are many men who want to be in monogamous relationships, just as there are many men who want to be in non-monogamous relationships. Sexual fidelity is not gender-dependent; rather, it can be a part of human nature.
Why is monogamy so hard for humans?
The term monogamy is more than a word of the day, or a quizzes word, it is rather a monolithic relationship concept between two individuals that has been the dominant social norm for many hundreds of years. Most animals are not monogamous in nature, so most experts do not agree on whether this is a natural state of affairs for humans, or whether we’ve simply created and reinforced these ideas of social and sexual behavior for ourselves. Monogamy can be difficult for some people, and yet for others incredibly easy. It depends on different factors, such as one’s sense of true intimacy, and both monogamy and nonmonogamy can be healthy if everyone consents.
Can men be happy in a monogamous relationship?
Many people can be happy and find meaning in a sexually exclusive monogamous relationship, if that is what they want. It comes down to personal preference…there is no one healthy way to form romantic relationships, and if everyone gives enthusiastic consent for non-monogamy and has respect for one another with loving hearts, it can be beneficial and healthy.
Why do we crave monogamy?
Many of us desire social and/or sexual monogamy because most societies train us from the beginning to accept this as the standard norm for relationships. Our culture is strongly heteronormative and monogamous in nature, and because of this most people tend to view this as the best or only kind of relationship or social behavior.
These environmental conditions are just part of the puzzle, though. Research suggests genes can also play a central role in monogamy versus polygyny. Scientists have used genetic tests to determine certain genes and genetic variations that could make some people more prone to having a single partner than others. Hormones like oxytocin also contribute to monogamy in many species, including humans.
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