Monogamy Or Non-Monogamy? Understanding Monogamy Meaning For Couples
Monogamy—originating from the late Latin “monogamia”—is a state or practice where two partners sexually and romantically commit only to the other person. In many modern relationships, this involves having only one partner for sexual and romantic endeavors, regardless of marital status. While some romantic and sexual relationships with sexual exclusivity involve marriage, marriage isn’t required for this relationship style. Serial monogamy—committing to one partner at a time but not for life—is one of the most common relationship structures; many nonmonogamous relationships are stigmatized by Western cultures.
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Find your matchThe origin and meaning of the word "monogamy"
The word monogamy comes from the ancient Greek “monos,” which means single, and “gamos,” meaning marriage. In general, monogamy involves having only one spouse or one other person with whom one is involved romantically and sexually. Monogamy doesn’t always involve marriage, but it can. As a relationship framework, monogamy works for some people, but not everyone.
How sexual and romantic exclusivity are defined
In sexual relationships, being sexually monogamous can be defined as having only one sexual partner to whom you remain faithful, even if sexual attraction to others arises. Romantic exclusivity is similar, involving only one romantic partner. When a partner is unfaithful despite having established exclusivity, it can lead to hurt feelings, broken trust, and the end of a relationship.
The psychology of monogamy
The definition of monogamy is a union with only one person at a time, sometimes referred to as "pair-bonding," and is a type of romantic relationship structure. Whether or not monogamy is the innate form of relationships among humans is undetermined. Some studies theorize that, while infidelity and having more than one spouse are common features of many relationships, serial monogamous relationships may be a more frequent and common form of human relationships. Other studies elaborate on why monogamous marriage may be seen more commonly, proposing that individuals vary in sexual, romantic, reproductive, and parenting behavior and that social stigma is the driver that makes many people identify as monogamous.
Some people prefer monogamous relationships, while others prefer consensually non-monogamous, polyamorous, or open relationships. Open or polyamorous relationships are generally not to be confused with concepts like polygamy, which involves having several spouses at the same time and is illegal in many parts of the world.
Why do some choose monogamy?
Monogamy is uncommon among most other mammals, with 3-5% engaging in strictly monogamous relationships with a mate of the opposite sex. And in fact, humans are no outlier: less than 20% of cultures exhibit strictly monogamous behavior. Many more present a mix where monogamy is just one common structure among several.
Evolutionarily, there is some evidence that having multiple partners can be beneficial. Some scientists postulate that parental involvement originating from non-monogamous bonding allowed for the provision of extra food for offspring, enabling the evolution of the large brains that define our species. As one researcher put it, “the optimal evolutionary strategy is monogamy when necessary, polygamy when possible”.
Regardless of theories on the development of relationship structures in human history, there are many reasons why people choose to pursue social monogamy, committing to only one mate and having just one sexual partner at a time. These might include:
- Increased feelings of safety and security
- Religious beliefs
- Life experiences
- Avoiding social stigmas
- Personal preferences
Emotional and psychological aspects of monogamy
For many people, monogamy brings a sense of deep connection, warmth, and safety. A focus on shared goals and values, as well as regular quality time together, can contribute to healthy long-term relationships. Effective communication skills can help a monogamous or married couple navigate hurt feelings and concerns. Couples therapy can also be a valuable resource for those struggling to maintain monogamous relationships.
The role of biology and neuroscience in monogamy
Brain chemistry, hormones, and attachment styles can all influence how monogamy works for an individual. Monogamy varies between humans and many other animals, with the biology of some species leading them to be more sexually monogamous than others. In humans, sexual relationships and choices related to sexual activity have evolved over time, particularly with the advent of birth control.
Challenges in maintaining monogamy
Although monogamy can come with a variety of benefits, it can also come with challenges. For example, keeping a relationship monogamous even when sexual attraction to other people arises can be difficult in some cases. Other challenges might include:
- Societal pressure
- Boredom and monotony
- Unrealistic expectations
- Jealousy and insecurity
- Maintaining intimacy
In addition, effective communication tends to be crucial for maintaining monogamy. There’s generally a need to spend time talking about hurt feelings and what each person did wrong in order to resolve conflict, whereas it may be easier to simply walk away or turn to another partner in non-monogamous relationships.
Different ideas of monogamy around the world
Not every culture practices monogamy, and there are various forms of relationships to explore. Some societies historically practiced group marriages or allowed men to have multiple wives, for example. Today, monogamy doesn’t just refer to lifelong partnership; it can also involve serial monogamy, or having a succession of different monogamous relationships. Evolving views on equal rights in marriage and relationships have led to same-sex and LGBTQIA+ marriages being recognized in many places.
Monogamy vs. consensual non-monogamy
While monogamy involves being committed to one person, consensual non-monogamy can allow partners to decide on their own relationship agreement. It’s crucial for all individuals involved to be aware and fully consent to all aspects of this relationship. Often, this requires them to talk at length about different ideas and decide what type of rules or boundaries they would like to have. Examples of consensual non-monogamy include:
- Polyamory: Having multiple intimate relationships simultaneously with the consent of everyone involved
- Open relationships: A primary couple agrees to allow other sexual partners into the relationship
- Swinging: A couple engages in recreational sexual activities with other couples or individuals
- Relationship anarchy: A philosophy rejecting traditional relationship structures
- Solo polyamory: Polyamory without traditional relationship milestones with any partner
Monogamy and modern relationships
Contemporary couples are redefining monogamy through different ideas about what a relationship agreement should entail. While some may decide that monogamy works for them, others may choose not to be monogamous people in favor of consensual non-monogamy or another relationship style.
Online therapy for relationships
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If you feel unsure about what type of relationship is right for you or your relationship, you may consider seeking the guidance of a couple’s therapist through online therapy. Online therapy through BetterHelp offers many advantages for couples and individuals seeking mental health and relationship support. These may include:
- Reduced stigma and fear of judgment
- Flexible scheduling options
- Greater accessibility to a wider range of therapists
- Convenience of attending sessions at home
- The ability to message one’s therapist between sessions
- The ability to change therapists at any time
Online therapy is also effective for treating many mental health conditions, with one 2022 study suggesting that online couples therapy is as effective as in-person therapy. Unlike individual therapy, which is frequently covered by insurance, couples therapy is less commonly covered. For these individuals, online couples therapy may be less expensive than in-person therapy.
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What is a monogamous relationship?
According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, monogamous is defined as “having only one mate, spouse, or sexual partner at one time.” It involves a singular bond between romantic partners in which they remain exclusively intimate.
How does monogamy differ from polygamy or other relationship structures?
Monogamy differs from other relationship structures, such as polygamy or open relationships, in that monogamous relationships involve an exclusive emotional and sexual partnership between two people. In contrast, polyamorous relationships involve emotional and sexual partnerships between multiple people simultaneously.
What is an example of monogamy in modern relationships?
An example of monogamy in modern relationships is a couple, married or not, who choose a partnership in which they only have intimate connections with each other. In a “modern monogamous” relationship, a couple may consciously choose exclusivity but understands that the relationship can evolve, accepting impermanence or redefining intimacy (for example, by discussing emotional boundaries with platonic friends).
Can someone be monogamous but still experience crushes or attraction to others?
Yes, it is possible, and even common, for individuals to experience crushes or be attracted to others—sexually and/or otherwise—outside of their monogamous relationship. Such attraction may lead to non-monogamy when the individual acts on those feelings by engaging in romantic behaviors with another person other than their partner.
What are the different types or interpretations of monogamy across cultures?
There are several types of monogamy. For example, social monogamy refers to a relationship in which two partners cohabit, share resources, and raise offspring together, but may not be sexually exclusive. Sexually monogamous partners might commit to sexual exclusivity but not necessarily social exclusivity. Marital monogamy refers to a legal arrangement in which there is only one spouse at a time. It is a cornerstone of many modern legal systems, even if practices differ.
In the West, serial monogamy is a common cultural variation involving a series of monogamous relationships (marriage/partnership) over a lifetime, rather than one lifelong union. Arranged monogamous marriage is common in other cultures, where partners are chosen by families, with a focus on duty, economics, or lineage rather than romantic love.
What does it mean to be a monogamous person in dating or long-term relationships?
In the context of personality, being monogamous means committing to a single romantic and/or sexual partner and focusing all romantic energy on that individual. Monogamous people might prioritize emotional and physical exclusivity to build a secure bond, often valuing loyalty, shared intimacy, and focused quality time as central to the relationship's strength and fulfillment.
How do monogamous and non-monogamous relationships differ in communication and expectations?
In monogamous relationships, intimate exclusivity is implied; therefore, it doesn’t always take center stage in communications between monogamous partners. They may be more likely to discuss topics like shared life plans, individual needs, and conflict resolution. In contrast, non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships place a heavy priority on communication about intimacy, needs, feelings, boundaries, and other partners. Such focus is necessary to manage emotions like jealousy, build trust, and foster deeper transparency.
These key differences often mirror the differences in relationship expectations. Monogamous expectations typically lean towards emotional and sexual intimacy and a defined, exclusive future together. In non-monogamous relationships, expectations are largely centered around agreements about things like safe sexual practices, emotional involvement, and time spent between partners. There are also typically clear expectations around shared values of autonomy, consent, and a broader support network, as opposed to the singular focus of monogamy.
Is monogamy linked to emotional or relational stability in long-term partnerships?
Research reveals mixed outcomes associated with mental wellbeing in monogamous relationships. However, many prefer the arrangement because they feel more secure and connected with their partner in exclusive, monogamous relationships. As with other relationship models, emotional and relational stability in monogamous relationships typically depends heavily on clear communication, mutual agreement on commitment expectations, and individual needs.
How can couples set boundaries when choosing monogamy?
Couples set monogamy boundaries through honest, detailed communication about what feels safe and exclusive. They may define rules for flirting, physical touch with others (like hugging coworkers), emotional intimacy with outsiders, and digital interactions (texts/social media). At the same time, partners should keep in mind that boundaries are personal, flexible, and focused on mutual comfort, not control, and require ongoing discussion and adjustment.
Can therapy or online therapy help couples explore questions about monogamy or relationship style?
Yes, therapy can provide a safe, nonjudgmental, neutral outlet for couples to communicate openly about issues of relationship structure, intimacy, and trust. Many couples prefer online therapy for its flexibility, convenience, affordability, and efficacy—with research showing that online couples therapy can be as effective as traditional, in-person treatment.
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