Five Tips For Ending A Relationship

If you have decided that it is time to end your relationship with your partner, it is usually a feeling that becomes hard to ignore. Once you realize that a relationship is over or you are no longer interested in the other person, it may be time to make a change.

Five tips for ending a relationship

Breaking up is hard to do, especially if you're in a close relationship. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship with someone who's a good fit for their personality, but what if you're unsure about ending your relationship? It's not always a clear situation and you might experience both happy and unhappy times with your partner. 

An article from the New York Times recommends asking close friends who know you the best to describe your relationship to you as if it were their relationship. If your friend were in this relationship, would you tell them it's time to break up?

If you feel that you want to break up, you will have to communicate that to your soon to be ex. But when we think about the question “should I break up with my girlfriend” the prospect of actually having this conversation can be intimidating, so if you are seeking advice on your "How should I break up with her", you may consider the following tips.

1. Be prepared to be kind but firm

When ending a relationship, it may help to inform your partner of your reasoning for initiating the breakup. While you don’t necessarily owe your partner an explanation, one study found that understanding the reasons for a breakup correlated with lower levels of anxiety and romantic conflict, and even higher peer-rated intimate relationship competence. Plus, having a concrete reason to point to may help you hold your ground if your partner tries to convince you otherwise. If you have made up your mind about ending the relationship and don’t want to give them false hope of a reconciliation, it may be helpful to approach the conversation by planning to be kind but firm. It may be difficult at the moment, but doing this can make the situation easier on you both in the long run. 

2. Set boundaries if needed

Ending a relationship with your current girlfriend (or someone of any gender) often results in changes both to your daily lives and to the dynamics between you and your soon to be ex. You both have the right to set boundaries for what things will look like after you end things, so it may be helpful to tell those if you have any in mind. Some examples might be ending contact via text or phone for a period of time, not seeing your ex-girlfriend (or someone of any gender) in-person for a bit, deciding to avoid certain topics of conversation, or agreeing to avoid spending time at a bar, café, or other spot you both frequent for a month or two.

Your partner may have boundaries they want to set as well, so make an effort to hear and respect those—even if they differ from your own. For example, if you want to stay friends right away, but your partner feels that will be too difficult for them, try to allow them that space. Establishing and respecting each other’s reasonable limits may allow for a smoother dynamic after the breakup, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about creating your own boundaries. 

3. Consider an in-person conversation

Many people view an in-person conversation as more considerate than breaking up via phone call or text. For instance, a Pew research study found that teens in the United States view breaking up with someone you love in a face-to-face conversation as the most socially acceptable option. However, all relationships are different, not all breakups need to be done face-to-face, and there may be other dynamics at play.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship and want to break up with someone who lives far away, breaking up in person might not be possible. If you have only been on a date or two, and are certain you don’t want to leave the door open for dating this person in the future, breaking up via text may be perfectly reasonable. If you fear for your safety—if you expect your partner may be emotionally or physically violent in their reaction or that you may be hurt—breaking up in person may not be safe. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Of course, In the end only you know the particular dynamics between you and your partner and whether breaking up in person makes sense.

4. Consult with someone you trust

How to get a girl to break up with her boyfriend if she's feeling anxious about the breakup conversation with her partner? If you’re feeling nervous about the breakup conversation or are worried the other person may feel hurt, you might consider consulting with someone you trust beforehand. Sometimes, talking things over with your best friend, a family member or a counselor can help you clarify what you want and figure out how to express it. Speaking with close friends or a trusted person first can help you mentally prepare. It may be beneficial to wait before a breakup and talk to someone close to you, as this can give you the chance to practice what you plan to say.

If you would like to talk with a therapist, online counseling platforms like BetterHelp can connect you with a qualified professional who may be able to help. Research suggests that video chat therapy provides a way for individuals to experience “enhanced opportunities for self-expression, connection and intimacy,” with a potentially “greater sense of agency over their own experience.” This type of space could be especially useful for individuals seeking a comfortable place to practice expressing their desires ahead of difficult breakups.

Since online therapy can take place wherever you are most comfortable, you could choose to have your sessions in the location where you plan to initiate the breakup—allowing you to practice the words in the same place you would deliver them to your partner.

5. Accept that the conversation may be difficult

Breakups are often painful life experiences, especially if you are breaking up with someone you still love and you believe the relationship had special meaning. Even if you know they are ultimately for the best, most breakups are never easy. Going into the conversation with the understanding that it may be difficult for both of you can help give you an honest outlook on the situation and set realistic expectations. Recognizing that the conversation may be hard may allow you to be gentler and more patient with yourself and your partner while you both fully process what has happened.

Possible benefits of breaking up

Breakups can be stressful, but there may be comfort in the possibility that you may be setting yourself and your partner up for better individual outcomes in the future. Though having to deal with the "I broke up with my girlfriend" situation may seem disheartening,  it can be the beginning of loving yourself more and a chance of finding the right one for you in the future. Ending your relationship gives you both the opportunity to go out and a new relationship with someone who may be a better fit. In addition, it is possible that your partner may tell you your feelings. Though some breakups are one-sided, other times, both partners find that they’ve been feeling the same way about the relationship and can agree on ending it mutually.

Finally, research shows that positive mental effects can eventually result from a breakup. A study by Tashiro and Frazier found that people can report positive changes after a relationship ends, including feeling more self-confident, independent, stronger, and more emotionally stable.