How To Know If You Like Someone: Do You Love Or Not?

Understanding what it means to “like” someone

At times, we can lose our grasp on our own feelings, struggling to understand our underlying motivations, desires, and beliefs. Sometimes, it can be challenging to determine whether you truly like someone, or if you like the attention they give you, your idea of who they are, or the concept of being in a romantic relationship. Successful, long-term relationships are usually built on a foundation of kindness, respect, trust, and commitment. To cultivate those qualities, it helps to know your true feelings for a romantic interest. For most people, this requires self-awareness, effective communication skills, and a mindful approach to emotional connection. For further insight into your feelings, it can be helpful to speak to a licensed therapist. You can find a qualified mental health professional through an online therapy platform or in your local area.

How do you know if you like someone or just the attention they give you?

It isn’t always easy to know whether you have true feelings for someone. When you’re immersed in a romantic relationship, you may have a hard time determining whether you’re forming a strong emotional connection—or are experiencing feelings like infatuation or euphoria. Self-awareness can help you realize the truth about a potential relationship and avoid feeling hurt in the long run.   

For some people, especially young people, a relationship can be more about their own feelings than the other person. For these people, getting into a relationship can be an escape from loneliness or feeling uncomfortable about being alone. However, getting involved for these reasons can create trouble for long-term relationship stability. Relationships should be based on mutual feelings of affection, respect, and interest.

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone only because they like you, but you have not explored your feelings for them, then you may end up with a resentful partner down the road. For example, they may feel uncared for if you’re mainly involved for your own benefit without truly caring about them. You may also experience wandering thoughts or regrets over lost opportunities for a more fitting match. 

Having a partner's attention can be an exciting feeling. However, it is often a good idea to ask yourself if you genuinely like the person or if you simply enjoy the fact that they like you and pay attention to you. When feelings go both ways, the connection will likely last longer and be stronger.

Consider whether you display any of these signs that you may just be in a relationship for attention and not genuine interest in the feelings, thoughts, or time spent with the other person.

• You never initiate conversations or texts. Instead, they are always the one to contact you.
• You often feel like responding to them is an obligation, not something you’re excited about.
• They always make plans for the two of you. You don’t initiate time spent together or offer date ideas.
• You rarely think of them when they aren't around.

On the other hand, if you're displaying the opposite of these behaviors, it might be a sign you are infatuated with your partner. You may like someone for more than just their attention if you constantly think about them. If you ask them to make plans together and initiate conversations because you are thinking about them, you’re likely developing strong feelings for them.

How do you know if you like the person, or the idea of the person?

Occasionally, we may project our desires onto others, whether we mean to or not. We may meet someone to whom we are initially attracted, and we may want them to be the person who fulfills all our desires. Therefore, we may ignore any indicators that they are not who we want them to be. We may also place expectations on them that we don’t communicate and then feel disappointed when they don’t live up to our dreams. 

In other words, we may not get to know who they truly are. Unconscious projections are likely to leave both people feeling confused and hurt.

This situation may happen more easily if a lot of your relationship has taken place online. Whether you’re in a long-distance relationship or met on a dating app, filling in the blanks with your perfect partner can be tempting. It can also happen for those who are getting over a past breakup. You may project ideal qualities onto this new partner based on the strengths or shortcomings of the last relationship, perhaps never seeing this entirely new person in front of you. Getting caught up in your imagination can make a situation overwhelming or scary as you leave reality and come back feeling disappointed, confused, or hurt.

They may say love is blind, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to actively blind yourself to what kind of person your partner is and how you genuinely feel about them. They may be kind, generous, and funny, but not right for you. That can be okay; the best thing is generally to admit that to yourself and the other person. Saying no can be hard at the beginning of a new relationship, but it is usually better to be true to yourself. 

How do you know if you like the person or the idea of being in love?

When you try to make a relationship work with someone you don’t click with just because they have feelings for you, you may be wasting your time and theirs. They generally deserve someone who cares about and loves them, rather than someone who is just using them for their attention.

If you find yourself on the other side of the situation, you may deserve a partner who will actively make time to spend with you and listen to you. On the other hand, if you find yourself acting outside of your usual behaviors or trying to pick up a new hobby you don't enjoy just to impress the other person, then you may be hanging on to hope for a relationship and not actually hoping for a relationship with this particular person. You usually do not need to drastically change yourself or your life to find the right person.

Emotional connection vs. emotional neglect

Confused feelings in a romantic relationship may arise out of emotional disconnection. If your partner has shown signs of emotional neglect (e.g., cold shoulders), you may respond with an even stronger desire to become close with them. Self-awareness and effective communication skills can be crucial if you’re feeling hurt by this person. 

Ask yourself whether the pain you’ve experienced is causing you to seek connection. And try to talk to them about the situation. Tell them how it makes you feel when they’re emotionally distant. In some cases, past experiences may have caused them to become closed off or avoidant. By addressing the root of the disconnect, you might be able to clarify your feelings more easily. 

How past hurts influence present feelings

As you explore your feelings about a romantic interest, you may realize that experiences from your upbringing or other relationships are influencing your current interactions. For example, if you had a hard time forming an emotional connection with people in your immediate or extended family, you may be seeking to make up for those lost bonds in the present. Some people’s emotions can be affected by trauma or other mental health concerns associated with earlier relationships. Past hurts like these may cloud one’s true feelings. 

Enhanced self-awareness can help you heal emotional pain associated with prior relationships. Self-care practices like journaling and mindfulness meditation are useful tools for cultivating emotional awareness. Knowing how your own feelings toward someone are connected to the past may lead to greater insights and help you avoid conflicting messages or feelings.      

Recognizing the signs of a healthy romantic relationship

While many people focus on identifying potential negative signs in a romantic relationship, it’s also important to recognize positive ones. The following are signs of a healthy partnership:

• Trust
• Effective communication skills
• Emotional connection
• Ability to find the middle ground
• Mutual respect
• Conflict-resolution skills
• Intimacy
• Healthy boundaries

When these signs are present, partners can feel connected, maintain balance, and, if necessary, make positive changes.

When relationships feel one-sided or emotionally draining

You may have a hard time parsing your feelings about someone if you’ve been on the other end of excessive criticism, cold shoulders, or other negative behaviors. If an imbalance exists in your relationship, you might be emotionally drained—tired of feeling disconnected from your partner. 

Effective communication skills can be key to your ability to address an unhealthy dynamic and start to feel connected to your partner. For example, if you’re experiencing marital problems because your spouse is emotionally distant, try to broach the topic in an empathetic but direct way. Using “I” statements can help. You might say, “I feel emotionally disconnected from you, and I would like to know more about your thoughts and emotions”.

How to improve communication and find middle ground

Expressing yourself in a productive way can help your partner better understand and feel connected to you. As you communicate with your partner, you may realize that you’re finding the middle ground on an increasing number of topics. For example, if your partner has also been wondering how they can spark an emotional bond, you can use those mutual feelings to take action.    

The more you and your partner hear each other out, the better you may understand your own feelings regarding the relationship. You may even consider setting a standing weekly or monthly date where you can discuss important topics and express yourselves freely. The development of effective communication skills can be one of several positive changes you make as you work to explore your true feelings. 

Finding the right person

Low self-esteem can make it difficult to wait for the right person. It can feel more immediately comforting to find someone who fulfills some of your needs now if you can’t find someone who can fulfill all of them. Instead of forming a deep emotional connection, you may feel inclined to stay with the first person who pays attention to you. 

The attention may feel good at first, but it can also lead to an unsatisfying relationship where you receive little of what you need. Developing enhanced self-awareness can help you realize that certain things have been missing in past relationships. If you fall into this behavior pattern, it could be time to talk with a therapist and clarify your goals for a relationship. Working with a professional, you can identify your own feelings, build effective communication skills, and foster personal growth. A therapist can also help you learn skillful ways of declining relationships that are not what you want and coping with other uncomfortable feelings and situations. Once you identify and address negative patterns surrounding relationships, you can start to develop positive ones and find the meaningful, healthy connection you deserve. 

The role of relationship therapy and support

If you’re ready to seek help with relationship challenges, consider working with a qualified marriage and family therapist. Relationship therapy can be a safe space for you and your partner to express your mutual feelings, develop self-awareness, and make positive changes. With the guidance of a professional, you may learn new strategies for communicating, resolving conflicts, and cultivating intimacy.  

A therapist can help you understand how your own feelings may be inhibiting your ability to form a healthy connection with your significant other. They can also address mental health concerns that might be contributing to an emotional disconnect (for example, they may help alleviate symptoms of depression, which research suggests may play a role in marital problems).   

How online therapy can help you pick the right partner

You can improve your self-esteem and learn to have patience in finding a compatible partner with the help of a licensed therapist. 

Online therapy can make it convenient to fit professional treatment into your life. There are often session times available outside of typical office hours, and you can customize your therapy experience by choosing between video calls, phone calls, and online chat options. 

Although there isn’t currently much research specifically investigating the efficacy of online therapy for improved self-esteem and patience in finding the right partner, a growing body of evidence suggests that online therapy is generally just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy.