Signs Of A Toxic Mother: Mental Health, Lack Of Boundaries, And Beyond
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A toxic person – whether a mother or a friend – can influence your mental health and well-being, especially among children. A toxic upbringing can impact both a child's emotional development and surrounding family members. Gaining a deeper understanding of patterns such as emotional manipulation can help you protect your own mental health.
Family dynamics can be complicated, especially those between parents and adult children. If your relationship with your mother is tense or even harmful, you’re not alone. Here’s how to recognize toxicity in a parent child relationship, plus some tips on how to handle it so you can hopefully stop thinking, "I hate my mother."
Eight common characteristics of a toxic mother
Parenthood is challenging, and no parent or primary caregiver is perfect. It’s not uncommon for all parents to display some of the characteristics on this list from time to time. However, their negative behavior may be demonstrating toxic patterns when they regularly or constantly embody two or more of them. Your parents or fellow family members may be toxic if your relationship with them is characterized by…
- Constant pressure, and even criticism
- Guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation (e.g., making you feel guilty when they have health issues)
- Humiliation
- A need to maintain control, even when it’s inappropriate
- Unfair or harsh discipline
- Emotional immature behavior, such as as blaming others constantly
- Invalidation of the child’s feelings and emotions
- Passive aggression, such as the silent treatment
- Disrespect of personal boundaries
- A lack of reciprocation
What is a toxic mother?
Constant criticism
A parent who constantly criticizes everything around them is likely creating a toxic environment for the people in their life, including their children. It may seem like nothing is ever good enough for this person and their “editor-in-chief” tendencies, and they likely display signs of toxic perfectionism. If you grew up around someone like this, you may have even developed a harsh inner critic for yourself that mirrors their impossible standards and judgments. Another toxic situation is when parents constantly compare their children. When a parent always appreciates your sister and you are always bombarded with criticisms, this can make you think "I hate my sister too." This type of parent may make you feel like you’re lacking, no matter what you do, which can lead to mental health challenges.
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Controlling behavior
A mother with controlling tendencies will make her opinions known and may even force them on others. She usually has strong feelings about everything in your life—something that likely hasn’t changed now that you’re an adult. She may not hesitate to give instructions about how you should live, and probably doesn’t hold back when she disagrees with your choice of clothing, career, or partner, for instance. Pushing back against her strong opinions can be difficult or may even feel impossible, especially since this may be a dynamic that has existed between you since you were a child.
Guilt-tripping and manipulation
Some parents may use manipulation in a variety of ways to get what they want. For example, they may work to make you feel guilty or responsible for their bad behavior, especially when they can’t get their way. They may know exactly what emotional button to press to get you to give in. They are experts in what makes you tick because they know you so well, and they may use this skill to get their way or simply to exercise control that makes them feel superior or in charge.
Humiliation
This toxic trait can be subtle or brutally direct. It often takes the form of jokes that are harmful and inappropriate, which your mother may even make in front of family and friends. If you confront her about these comments, a toxic mother’s reaction is typically to brush it off, saying that you’re too sensitive and can’t take a joke or a piece of advice. This kind of verbal abuse is generally another form of her exercising power over you and can be harmful both because of the impact of what she says as well as the gaslighting and dismissal of your feelings, which can cause low self-esteem.
Invalidation of your emotions
Toxic relationships with a parent may make someone feel like their emotions are incorrect, inconvenient, or too much. Your parent may belittle, criticize, or challenge you when you express yourself, making you feel like you can’t honestly tell them anything or be who you truly are. Such invalidation is especially common if your feelings relate to unhappiness, anger, or frustration with the way your parent treats you, or if they involve any other negative emotion toward them.
Passive aggression
Passive aggression is when someone indirectly expresses their negative emotions. It could manifest as sulking, self-pity, silent treatment, victimization, or sarcasm when they’re unhappy with something. When a parent displays this type of behavior, it’s a way of avoiding confrontation at all costs while making their disapproval known in all kinds of other ways.
Disrespect of personal boundaries
Mothers who disrespect your personal boundaries as an adult may still be treating you like a child. She may act inappropriately toward you, ignoring that you’re a fully capable adult with their own life and need for space. These behaviors could include opening and reading your mail without permission, picking up your phone to read your texts, contacting your friends to discuss you, or showing up at your home unannounced. When you push back against these boundary violations, she will likely claim it’s her right as your mother, say she was just trying to help, or insinuate that you’re overreacting.
A lack of reciprocation
As adults, some people are very close with their parents and may even describe their relationship as a friendship. This dynamic in adulthood is not inherently toxic and can be quite fulfilling. However, such a relationship may cross the line into toxicity when your parent relies on you as their best friend and support system, and when the relationship revolves around them and their life. They may insist that their problems and feelings always be the focus. They may show jealousy toward their other friends or partners if it means they receive less attention. There’s a clear lack of reciprocity, which is generally not the foundation for any healthy relationship.
Understanding When Toxic Behavior Crosses Into Abuse
Sometimes, the behavior of a toxic person can escalate, especially during stressful times. These behaviors can have a serious impact on the mental health of surrounding family members, causing severe emotional pain. In some cases, harsh discipline, sexual abuse, and other damaging behaviors can be exhibited. In these scenarios, it’s important to put your own mental health and self-care first, and contact a trusted family member, peer, or emergency services for support.
Potential effects of a toxic relationship with your mother
If your relationship with your mother is characterized by some or many of the dynamics listed above, it’s likely to affect you in a variety of ways. Constant criticism may leave you feeling like you’re never good enough or that there’s something inherently wrong with you. Controlling behavior may make you believe that you’ll only be loved if you remain obedient, small, and powerless. Manipulation may have you questioning what’s true or right. Humiliation can negatively impact your self-esteem and make you question your feelings, as can invalidation of your emotions. Passive aggression can give you an unhealthy view of communication and conflict resolution. Disrespect of your boundaries and a one-sided relationship can make you feel like you’re not worthy of being loved the way you want and deserve. If you experienced child abuse,* including physical abuse or emotional abuse,* while growing up with this parenting dynamic, you may have unresolved trauma that is causing further complications.
In addition to the pain you may experience in the moment as a result of these types of interactions with your mother, the suffering may be long-lasting and develop into toxic stress A dynamic like this could take a toll on your self-esteem over the long term. You may even develop a mental health disorder , such as one the following:
- Post-traumatic stress disorder
- Substance use disorder
- Depression
- Eating disorder
- Anxiety disorder
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It could also warp your view of what a healthy relationship looks like and potentially impact or shape all other social relations in your life. For instance, you may not feel comfortable being your full self with others. You may have a high tolerance for being treated poorly and not think twice about doing the majority of the emotional labor in a relationship. You could also be prone to self-sabotage because you don’t believe that you’re deserving of a healthy or loving relationship with someone, or that it’s truly possible.
The Effects of a Toxic Mother on Child Development
A toxic upbringing can have both short-term and long-term effects on your emotional well-being. Exposure to toxic environments may impact a child’s self-esteem, child’s sense of safety, and child’s well-being. There can be health implications too. Research suggests that adverse childhood experiences can lead to depression, heart disease, and other health conditions later in life. When emotional pain is present in child development, it can impact the child’s emotional growth and future well-being – from developing anxiety to chronic health issues. Therefore, it's important to foster healthy, loving environments in a child’s life.
The Role of the Primary Caregiver and Family Dynamics
A primary caregiver influences how their own children and own family members connect with one another. In unhealthy family dynamics, parents may maintain control of every situation, always put their own needs first, or apply constant pressure – such as yelling at children for a minor mistake. When the primary caregiver recognizes these patterns, they may become more self-aware, and treat children with more love and respect.
How a Toxic Upbringing Affects Adult Life and Relationships
Maintaining healthy relationships can improve life satisfaction and daily life. However, a toxic upbringing can impact future, adult relationships. Research suggests that childhood maltreatment is linked with relationship dissatisfaction, relationship conflict, and self-doubt. In adult life, people may face relationship challenges stemming from unhealthy relationships with a mother, guardian, or childhood friend. In order to foster healthy relationships, it can be beneficial to prioritize your own growth, take care of your emotional well-being, and gain a deeper understanding of your negative relational patterns – and how to overcome them.
Seeking Professional Help for Healing and Growth
For those looking to enhance their mental and emotional well-being, it can be beneficial to seek professional support. Via an online therapy platform, individuals can connect with a specialized, compassionate, and licensed therapist. Online therapy is a chance to explore your own mental health, foster self-compassion, and gain a deeper understanding of past experiences.
Seeking help in healing with a toxic mother
Your relationship with the person who raised you is one of the most formative of your life. Whether you realize it or not, your dynamic with them throughout childhood and now as an adult may be impacting other areas of your life. If you’re looking to unpack these effects, gain a greater sense of self-awareness, heal from any adult or childhood trauma related to the relationship, and learn how to better assure yourself going forward, therapy may help. A therapist can provide you with a safe, nonjudgmental space where you can express difficult emotions and sort out complicated ones. They can help you identify unhealthy patterns and find out how to set firm boundaries for the future, including cutting ties with a toxic parent if necessary. If it feels like you’ve been going head to head against your mother for your entire life, the listening ear of a therapist can feel deeply validating and healing.
Healing often begins with self-care, self-compassion, and self-awareness. One way to break free from the past, overcome self-doubt, and foster emotional well-being in your personal life is to engage in mindfulness practices. Research suggests that mindfulness-based interventions reduce the effects of symptoms associated with childhood stress and trauma – including depression, anxiety, and low-mood. By practicing mindfulness, you can maintain control of your own mental health, personal growth, and well-being.
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You can seek therapy in different ways, according to what’s most comfortable and convenient for you. For those who lack options for providers in their area, have a busy schedule and no time to commute to a therapist’s office, or simply prefer engaging in therapy from the comfort of their own home, virtual therapy is an option. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist whom you can meet with via:
- video call
- voice call, and/or
- in-app messaging.
Since research suggests that this format offers similar benefits to the traditional, in-person therapy style, you can feel confident that you’ll receive helpful, compassionate care with whichever method you choose.
Takeaway
What is the behavior of a toxic mother?
Toxic relationships aren’t always easy to identify, but there are indicators that may point to a harmful mother-child relationship. The following are examples of toxic behavior mothers may exhibit:
She's abusive
While physical or sexual harm and neglect are the most common behaviors associated with abuse, there are other types of abuse that children with toxic parents face, which may not be so obvious or that might be masked as "strict" or "tough love." For example, a toxic mother might pressure a child to make money for the family and punish them if they don't because it's teaching "responsibility."
She might dismiss or mock your pain when you've been injured, bullied, or otherwise hurt because you need to learn to "toughen up." She might use coercion tactics like guilt or shame to force you to take their side in a conflict. Belittling or insulting you, constantly comparing you (unfavorably) to others, or stripping your personal identity are all examples of manipulation and abuse.
She doesn't respect your boundaries
If you've asked her to call before coming over, and she insists on showing up without warning anyway, this can be an indicator that she doesn't respect your boundaries. Unsolicited, negative opinions about your life choices, trying to control your relationships with others, and oversharing sensitive information are all examples of overreach.
She's negatively impacting other areas of your life
This can be overt, like trying to sabotage your relationships, or covert, like pressuring you about your career or other major life decisions. If she's causing mental distress, anxiety, or depressive symptoms that make it hard to function in your daily life, it's probably time to take a break. If your relationship is causing severe self-esteem issues and feelings of low self-worth, it might be time to walk away entirely. Speak to your therapist about how your relationship with your mother impacts you. They can give you tips for coping and help you decide how to handle the situation appropriately.
How can I know if my mom is toxic?
There are several common signs that your mother may be engaging in toxic behavior, including the following:
She doesn't show empathy or understanding
People in emotional or physical pain need support from others to help them cope. If your mother refuses to be part of your support system, it might be a sign you need to walk away. While it isn't formally classified as a mental health condition, "cold mother syndrome" is sometimes used to describe a parenting style in which the parent is dismissive, emotionally distant, and rejecting. This type of parenting typically signals neglect and can be highly damaging to your mental health.
She doesn't take ownership (or at least apologize) for hurting you
It might be a sign it's time to walk away if your mother refuses to acknowledge the emotional ramifications of her hurtful behavior. If she diminishes your feelings or becomes overreactive when you share them, she probably isn't ready to put in the work to heal your relationship. At that point, it might be better to separate than continue involvement in a relationship that's damaging to your mental health.
How do toxic mothers affect their daughters?
Toxic mothers might make it difficult for their daughters to learn how to set boundaries later in life and become "people pleasers" at their own expense. Daughters who grew up with toxic mothers may become hypersensitive later in life. This might look like a daughter who is easily offended by others and perceives slights where there are none. This can result in behaviors like attacking or withdrawing that damage relationships.
The effects of a toxic mother's behavior can be highly damaging to their child's psychological well-being. When unaddressed, those effects can result in psychological conditions like anxiety, depression, personality disorders, and others.
What does an emotionally unstable mother look like?
The behaviors an emotionally unstable mother exhibits are often complex and unique, stemming from their personal experiences. Toxic mothers may have been neglected or abused as children in some way. They might have difficulties with emotional and behavioral regulation that are intensified by external stressors. In some cases, toxic mothers have unresolved trauma or related mental health issues challenges. Research suggests that depression and anxiety are the most common disorders associated with maternal mental illness, although mothers with these conditions don't always have toxic tendencies.
However, these aren't the only disorders commonly found in mothers with toxic behaviors. Older, more established evidence also points to mood and personality disorders, such as bipolar disorder and borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders, as a common factor in toxic parenting. The same research indicates that mothers who had mistreated their children had higher instances of post-traumatic stress and substance use disorders.
If you think your mother is experiencing a severe mental health condition, consider encouraging her to speak with a mental health professional (unless you fear her reaction). Severe disorders may require a formal diagnosis from a psychologist. If you think she might be receptive, ask friends and family to support you in having the conversation.
What attachment style is common in daughters of narcissistic or toxic mothers?
Toxic mothers can have a severe impact on their daughters' self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence. Daughters of toxic mothers might form unhealthy attachment styles later in life, choosing partners who carry some of the same toxic traits their mothers had. They may develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. In some cases, daughters with toxic mothers avoid relationships entirely because of trust issues.
What are the symptoms of being raised by a narcissistic mother?
Narcissistic behavior on the part of a parent can lead to serious mental health concerns in a child’s life. A narcissistic mother may cause their child to develop low self-esteem and struggle with their self-identity. Symptoms of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other conditions may be present. Children of narcissistic mothers may have a hard time expressing their emotions in constructive ways. They may also have a hard time fostering healthy relationships due to a fear of being abandoned, a lack of boundaries, or communication difficulties. In some cases, exposure to narcissism may contribute to narcissistic tendencies in the child as well.
How does having a toxic mother impact mental health and relationships?
Being raised near toxicity can lead to a range of psychological and relationship challenges. People with toxic mothers may develop a sense of inadequacy and self-doubt. They may experience symptoms of depression, anxiety, trauma, personality disorders, or other conditions. Additionally, some children of toxic parents develop substance use disorders later in life.
Children of toxic mothers may struggle to form healthy emotional connections. Often, they experience a lack of trust, which may manifest in either a fear of intimacy or a fear of abandonment. Anxious or avoidant attachment styles may lead to trouble setting healthy boundaries, another common behavior in toxic parents. People exposed to toxicity as children may frequently ask for reassurance from their loved ones, seeking the validation that a parent did not provide. They may become jealous easily or struggle to foster emotional intimacy with their partners.
What is manipulative behavior in a toxic parent?
Parental manipulation may take many forms, including emotional appeals, aggression, and gaslighting. An example of an emotional appeal may arise when a parent attempts to evoke a specific feeling in their child, such as guilt, so that they can achieve a desired result. Some toxic parents use emotional blackmail as a way of getting what they want, withholding love and affection until the child alters their behavior. Others become emotionally unstable to force their child to respond in a specific way. This might look like excessive anger, sadness, or anxiety.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which one person attempts to cause another to question their perception of reality through deceit. For example, a parent may claim that they never raise their voice, despite evidence to the contrary, then say that their child is only imagining things. In some cases, manipulative parents pit their children against each other to create teams or sow division.
How can I set healthy boundaries with a toxic mother?
When establishing boundaries with a toxic parent, it’s important that you clearly state your needs and the reasons for your parameters. Tell your mother exactly which behaviors you believe are acceptable and which are not. For example, you may let her know that you do not want her to contact you while you’re working. You might then clearly explain yourself by telling her that this behavior distracts you and makes it harder for you to excel in your professional life.
Then, you can outline the consequences of crossing your boundaries. For example, if she continues to contact you, you might start blocking her texts during work hours. It is also important that you find the right time to talk to her about your boundaries. Try to avoid having the conversation during emotionally charged moments, such as just after a disagreement. Consider scheduling the conversation with your mother ahead of time, ensuring you’re both able to organize your thoughts and have a productive discussion.
Can online therapy help if I grew up with a toxic or high-conflict mother?
Online therapy can be an effective form of therapy for people experiencing various mental health challenges related to toxic parenting. With online therapy, you can connect with a licensed therapist from a large team of mental health professionals, many of whom have experience with family therapy. An online therapist can help you identify symptoms of mental health concerns that may arise out of your relationship with your mother. They can also provide you with helpful worksheets and other exercises geared toward addressing challenges like self-doubt and fear of abandonment.
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