Divorce Counseling: How Therapy Can Help You Heal and Move Forward

Divorce can be one of life's more difficult transitions, bringing up a swell of emotions ranging from anger and resentment to fear and grief. If you're navigating this experience, divorce counseling can offer a supportive space to process emotional pain, develop coping skills, and find a path forward. Whether you're seeking support as an individual, working through the process with a former spouse, or looking for guidance on helping your children adjust, therapy can provide valuable tools for healing. Below, explore what divorce counseling involves, how it can help, and how to access support during this challenging time.

What is divorce counseling?

Divorce counseling, or separation counseling, can take different forms depending on who is seeking support.

• Individual therapy may help one person process the emotional impact of the divorce on their own.
• Joint sessions can offer former spouses an opportunity to explore what may have led to the divorce, navigate difficult conversations, and build effective communication skills for interacting more constructively in the future.
• Family therapy or child-focused counseling can help children adjust to the changes in their family structure.

Understanding these different options can help you determine what type of support might be most beneficial for your situation.

Divorce counseling vs. discernment counseling

Divorce counseling can help couples who have already decided to divorce as they navigate the complex emotions and important matters of the divorce process. There's also a type of counseling that can help couples who are considering divorce but have not yet made a final decision: discernment counseling.

Discernment counseling is typically short-term and focused on helping couples find clarity regarding the future of their relationship, particularly whether they want to divorce, attempt reconciliation, or make no change to the relationship. Discernment counseling is distinct from marriage counseling, which can help spouses work on particular issues affecting their marriage. The focus of discernment counseling is to shed light on each partner's feelings and thoughts about what they want to do next, not to work through issues or improve dynamics. If a couple is on the fence about how to move forward, or if one partner is leaning toward divorce while the other is uncertain, discernment counseling may help them gain clarity.

How divorce can affect mental health and well-being

The emotional, financial, relational, and logistical challenges of divorce affect many aspects of a person's life and can have a significant effect on mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being. Research has consistently demonstrated the potential negative mental health effects of divorce on some individuals, with divorcees in certain populations reporting poorer mental health and more symptoms of stress, anxiety, depression, and social isolation.

Emotional and relational challenges for divorcing partners

The emotions that arise throughout the divorce process can be intense, confusing, and overwhelming at times. One moment, you might experience frustration, anger, and resentment toward your former spouse as you navigate divorce proceedings, while the next, you might experience sadness, grief, pain, and regret as you mourn the end of your marriage.

As you move through different stages of the divorce process, still other emotions may arise. For example, after divorce, you might also experience fear and anxiety as you settle in to this new stage of your life, especially if you begin dating again.

How divorce may affect children at different ages

Divorce can affect children differently depending on their developmental stage and the circumstances surrounding the separation.

• Younger children may struggle to understand what is happening and might express confusion or fear about changes in their daily routines.
• School-age children may feel caught in the middle or worry about loyalty to each parent.
• Teenagers might experience anger, withdrawal, or difficulty concentrating on school and friendships and may benefit from teen counseling.

Seeing the impacts of the divorce on their children can be difficult for many parents, potentially exacerbating mental health challenges. In many cases, both children and divorcing parents can benefit from professional support.

How divorce counseling can help

In divorce counseling sessions, a therapist may draw on a range of techniques and approaches to help former spouses navigate the challenges and aftermath of troubled relationships, just as they might in other types of talk therapy. For instance, therapists might utilize cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques to help former couples reframe negative thoughts about the situation and adopt coping skills to help them manage the complex emotions that may arise.

Therapists might also use approaches such as narrative therapy to help former spouses construct more empowering narratives about themselves and the end of their marriage, as well as mindfulness techniques to help former spouses manage the stress, anxiety, and grief that can accompany this major life transition. Solution-focused approaches may also help individuals identify concrete steps toward their goals for life after divorce.

Support for high-conflict divorce and co-parenting

When ongoing conflict between former spouses makes communication difficult, divorce counseling can provide strategies for navigating these challenging dynamics. This may be particularly valuable when children are involved and parents need to maintain a working relationship. Therapists can teach de-escalation techniques, boundary-setting skills, and strategies for communicating about children without escalating conflict. Learning to manage high-conflict co-parenting situations may help reduce stress for everyone in the family and create a more stable environment for children.

Therapy for children and families during divorce

Finally, family therapy or individual therapy for children can help kids process their feelings about the divorce in a supportive environment. A therapist who specializes in working with children and families can provide age-appropriate tools for coping with change. Parents may also be involved in their child's therapy process to learn how to best support their children during this transition.

What to expect in divorce therapy sessions

Once you have found a suitable therapist, you can begin working on the specific issues and concerns that brought you to therapy. Divorce counseling can help both couples and individuals with a wide range of concerns, and sessions are typically tailored to your unique goals and circumstances.

Goals for couples in divorce counseling

For couples, divorce counseling may help with concerns and goals such as the following:

• Learning conflict resolution skills to manage conflict in healthier, more constructive ways
• Developing more effective communication skills to interact and communicate with each other more respectfully and productively
• Navigating the practical aspects of divorce, such as child custody arrangements, finances, and other logistics
• Creating agreements about how to communicate with children about the divorce
• Establishing boundaries and expectations for the post-divorce relationship

Goals for individuals in separation counseling

For individuals, divorce counseling may help with concerns and goals such as the following:

• Processing complex emotions around the divorce and building emotional resilience
• Cultivating self-compassion to help you treat yourself with kindness as you move through uncharted territory
• Learning to let go of the past and accept the things you cannot control, such as your spouse's behavior
• Developing coping skills to help you navigate difficult encounters with your spouse throughout divorce proceedings
• Developing a plan for future growth and how you want to move forward in life after divorce

How to find a divorce counselor

If you are interested in starting divorce counseling but are unsure where to begin, the following steps give a brief overview of how the process typically works.

Finding a therapist

You can search for a therapist specializing in divorce by conducting an online search (such as "divorce counseling near me"), searching reputable therapist directories, asking for recommendations, or using online platforms. Depending on your preferences, you can often find a therapist offering services either online or in person.

Having an initial consultation

After finding a potential therapist, you can have an initial consultation with the therapist to explain your situation, identify key goals, and learn about the therapist's approach.

Establishing therapeutic fit

In divorce counseling, having a strong relationship with your therapist can make a significant difference in your experience and the outcomes of the therapeutic process. In the initial sessions, you and your partner can consider if you both feel comfortable with the therapist and if the therapist's approach aligns with your needs and goals.

Healing and moving forward after divorce

Divorce can be difficult, but on the other side of this tough time, there may be a whole new life for you. While divorce brings one chapter to a close, it also offers a new beginning. Therapy can help you find healing and hope amid the turbulence of divorce.

As an individual, therapy can help you process and release the pain of the past, cultivate self-compassion as you navigate the uncertainties of the present, and reconnect with your most authentic self to begin building a life you love in the future. Or, as a newly divorced couple, therapy can help you and your former spouse learn to communicate with each other in more productive ways, navigate the complexities of life post-divorce (such as co-parenting) with kindness and respect, and create a unified front for your children, if applicable, to help guide them through the many changes of this new normal.

Benefits of online divorce counseling

For those hesitant or unable to find affordable, in-person divorce counseling in their local area, online therapy is another option to consider. With online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp, you can connect with over 30,000 trained, qualified, and licensed therapists experienced in supporting individuals going through a divorce.

Online sessions may also be easier and more convenient to attend than in-person appointments, as you can meet with your therapist at a time and place that works for your schedule, including the comfort of home. This flexibility can be valuable when new custody arrangements create a busier, more rigid schedule, or when the emotional turbulence of divorce makes leaving the house feel difficult.

How effective can online therapy be during divorce?

Research suggests that online therapy can often be similarly effective to in-person therapy. For example, a meta-analysis of research on the topic shows that, in many cases, online therapy may be effective for treating symptoms of conditions like anxiety and depression, which may affect a person during or after divorce. While each individual's experience can differ, these findings indicate that virtual care may be a viable option for many people support.