Is He Truly In Love? Questions You Can Ask Your Boyfriend To Find Out
By: Sarah Fader
Updated January 28, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Aaron Horn
Being truly in love is something many people dream about and hope to experience in their lives. A healthy long-term relationship can feel comforting, validating, and safe. If you are in a relationship that feels right but aren’t sure if your boyfriend feels the same way, the only way to find out is to ask. You don’t have to flat-out demand whether he is in love, but a candid conversation—or better yet, a series of candid conversations—can make all the difference in knowing whether your relationship is on track for a long and happy future. A few key questions might be all you need.
Failing In Love
First, think about the way you felt when you first realized this relationship was special. The feeling of falling in love is exhilarating. You want to spend time with your partner and find out everything you possibly can about them. You feel connected, and you want to be physically and emotionally close. A huge part of intimacy is connected to understanding how someone's mind works and what's important to them. Understanding each other allows you to feel secure in the relationship. Once you have fallen in love with someone, the next step is figuring out how to stay in love with each other.
What It Means To Be In Love
Love is a beautiful phenomenon that can mean different things to different people. When you're in love, you feel a sense of security, trust, freedom, and excitement in the relationship. You don't worry about what your boyfriend is doing when he's not with you, and when you're together, you love to find activities and conversations that help you feel connected. When you look into each other's eyes, you feel warmth, compassion, and connectedness. You don't have to ask for emotional validation because you know that you're cared for and that your boyfriend respects you. You may be wondering, though, how do you know if you're in love for the long term? Here are some questions you can ask your partner, during a peaceful or relaxed time, to find out.
What Is Your Concept Of A Healthy Relationship?
Ask your boyfriend this question to make sure that you have the same ideas about what creates a healthy relationship. Each person’s perception of an ideal, healthy relationship is a little unique, and there’s nothing wrong with that! However, it is important to figure out whether you and your boyfriend value complementary aspects of your relationship and each other. For example, if you think a healthy relationship involves talking through issues and he believes good listening is important to a relationship, then your values are more compatible to his than they might be with the view of someone who doesn’t enjoy talking about their emotions.
More generally, healthy relationships involve open and honest communication, whatever form it may take. If either of you acknowledges trust issues on your own part, bringing it up early can allow you to address them together, rather than arguing later on over a misunderstanding. Discussing each other's point of view will help you feel heard and understood, and it can also help you learn more about what your partner needs for the relationship to feel stable.
How Do You Feel Things Are Going In Our Relationship?
Sometimes, even if it feels awkward, it can be good simply to ask, "How do you feel about us?" Asking open-ended questions is a great way to figure out how somebody feels because they have the ability to elaborate on their feelings in a way that they wouldn't if a question requires a simple "yes" or "no." In other words, asking, “How do you feel about us?” will typically provide a clearer and more honest response than asking something leading or pressuring like, “We’re really great together, right?”
It's important to be a good listener in general, and it's especially important when it comes to being in a relationship. You want to show your boyfriend that you care about his feelings, that you trust him with yours, that you hear him, and that you care about his needs being met, too.
What Do You Like About This Relationship?
As another open-ended question, asking your boyfriend about what he feels is positive about the relationship will help to indicate whether he's in love. When you ask someone what they like about your relationship, they will have an opportunity to describe what they value—as well as, potentially, what they feel is missing.
Hearing the positives that he sees in your relationship can be emotionally validating and may also clear up ambiguous or uncertain feelings. His body language and vocal tone throughout this conversation, depending on his personality and how he generally expresses himself, might give you a chance to pick up on some of how he feels as well. Is he turning toward you, making eye contact, and speaking enthusiastically? Or is he crossing his arms, sighing, and looking away? The former are great signs, while the latter are definitely not.
How Do You Feel About Our Sex Life (Or Intimate Life)?
There are many different ways that people express sexuality and intimacy. Some people have active sex lives whereas others are romantic but choose not to have sex. It might even be the case that you, your partner, or both you and your partner are asexual. Knowing how your boyfriend feels about your intimate life is important because whether or not you're in a sexually intimate relationship at this point, knowing that you're both satisfied is vital.
Once you have this conversation, if there are things that need to be shifted or modified, you can make those changes together. Asking this question might also open the door to trying new things in your intimate life that you haven't spoken about before. Sexuality and intimacy are important topics for couples to communicate about.
What Are Some Things That I Do That Make You Feel Loved?
You may have heard of the five love languages—five common ways that individuals express love, including quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, and acts of service. Some individuals find that one love language resonates the most with them, while others might appreciate two or more in combination.
Asking your partner what you do that makes him feel loved will give help you understand what love language (or languages) resonates the most with him, which can validate your connections to each other. You don't have to speak the same love language to have a good relationship, but it is good and helpful for each of you to be aware of what resonates with the other. For example, if he communicates that his love language is physical touch, you'll know that doing something like giving him a massage will be effective in showing your affection for him.
When In Doubt, Ask
No matter how you phrase it, asking your boyfriend how he feels about the relationship is important. Communication is the key to understanding, and especially in a romantic or intimate relationship, feeling understood will allow each of you to care more deeply and fully for each other.
BetterHelp Is Here For You And Your Relationship
Whether you are in a fresh relationship that is quickly turning into a deeper connection or have been with your boyfriend for a long time and are questioning where things are going, being in an intimate relationship can be disorienting and anxiety-inducing. Even when you have a great time together and feel secure and happy with each other, you may find yourself wondering, “Is he truly in love with me, though?” Some couples find that relationship exercises and quizzes can be helpful, especially when they come from trusted sources like the Gottman Institute. If you’re looking for deeper advice that can help in the long run, though, working with a mental health professional can support your relationship and keep it on a healthy path. And with online mental health support services like BetterHelp, you and your partner can access counseling support more easily than ever.
Online therapy is flexible, so you can arrange couples sessions according to you and your partner’s schedules or pursue individual therapy on your own time. It is also more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can choose how to connect with a mental health professional: via video chat, phone call, or text messaging. Working with an online therapist through BetterHelp may bring you greater clarity and could even make your love stronger than ever. These reviews from BetterHelp users show how online therapy services have supported their relationships.
Alan has been a great help to me while I have been navigating some tumultuous and emotionally draining situations. He is helping me understand and process things I did not realize I was carrying. My partner and I also did a couples session with him. He gave use some tools to help smooth the way through some misunderstandings and irritations we were experiencing.
I’ve recommended BetterHelp and Lindsey to four people because I believe wholeheartedly in the work we are accomplishing together. This is important and valued work that has already made a huge difference in feeling grounded in this turbulent world and helping me keep a healthy perspective and getting some very tangible skills of communication that had become rusty.
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