Do Exes Come Back? Prioritize Your Mental Health After A Breakup

After the end of a relationship, it may be challenging to let go of previous goals, desires, or hopes that you had with your ex-partner. If you spent most of your days together, it could seem scary to wake up alone or experience life without them by your side. When these emotions and thoughts arise, you may be wondering if an ex can come back or if you're having wishful thinking.

Do exes come back after a breakup? 

Exes may return in some cases. Since couples break up for various reasons, the circumstances of a breakup may impact the potential for reconnection. While research suggests that a majority of individuals get back with an ex at least once, it can depend on various factors. 

Why the answer depends on your relationship history

Whether an ex comes back usually depends on your reasons for breaking up in the first place, such as what patterns existed in the relationship. Couples often break up for the following reasons:

• Conflict
• Disinterest or distance
• Infidelity or finding a new partner
• Differing values 
• Differing opinions on childcare or having children
• Life stressors, such as moving 
• Financial difficulties
• Differing personalities
• Differing desires for monogamy or polyamory
• Lack of respect 
• Family conflict 
• Abuse*

Why a familiar relationship can feel easier to return to

Both familiarity and comfort can drive exes back together, even when such a relationship has serious problems. Rather than having to start over and step outside your comfort zone, you may seek safety in a familiar relationship, especially if both you and your ex feel emotionally connected. Understanding such relationships can help you make clearer decisions about your love life.

You may worry about getting your ex back, and breakup advice – from YouTube videos, a free cheat sheet, or other answer-based content that aims to put the decision-making process on fast forward – can be helpful. However, a big sign to recognize is that most exes may reconnect over safety and familiarity. While reconciliation may be the best course of action, it’s helpful to reflect if there’s been genuine change. This may prevent couples from returning to their old ways shortly after getting back together.  

If you’d like to rekindle things, you may look for signs that your ex is interested. While there’s no guarantee of how they’re feeling, it’s a good it can be a huge sign if your ex initiates conversations, reminisces about fun times together, asks about your love life, talks about your shared future, and asks about your love life.

If your ex does eventually reach out, it may happen gradually, such as reacting to a social media post or commenting on something they find interesting. This may be especially common among younger couples, who are more active on online platforms and may reconnect with ex-girlfriends and boyfriends in subtle ways. 

If you want a better understanding of how an ex is feeling, it may be best to ask directly, rather than playing mind games.

A healthy no-contact approach and the contact rule

The no-contact rule is when exes stop speaking for a set amount of time (often 30 days or longer), avoiding text messages, phone calls, social media interactions, and other forms of communication. Giving your ex space can allow you to foster emotional well-being and healing at your own pace. 

What to do instead of watching for signs

At this time, instead of watching out for signs your ex will return, you may engage in hobbies and activities you enjoy, practice self-care, journal about what you learned, and say yes to plans with friends and family members. 

What increases the odds of healthy reconciliation

If you and your ex want to get back together, both individuals should have to be on the same page and show willingness to address past mistakes. A healthy reconciliation may require you to communicate openly about what went wrong, take responsibility for your own actions, and show each other remorse and/or forgiveness without blame. 

Communicate openly about needs, boundaries, and expectations

To maintain your emotional independence and well-being, it can also be helpful to set clear boundaries around time and communication. These may include taking your time to respond to messages or spending more time apart to prioritize friendships.

When “unfinished business” is real and when it is just longing

Unfinished business with an ex can feel real when there are unresolved issues, apologies that never happened, or the belief that your breakup was caused by external factors, not incompatibility. Longing disguised as unfinished business may show up as seeking an ex’s company to escape loneliness, wishing things had been different, or viewing the relationship through rose-tinted glasses.

When keeping the door open harms healing

Whether unfinished business is real or not, leaving the door open to reconciliation can hinder emotional well-being and healing. Closure often comes from processing feelings rather than re-visiting the relationship itself. This time can be used to reflect, gain perspective, and rebuild independence – either through therapy or self-care.

External factors that can change the outcome

Whether your ex comes back or not may depend on various factors, including the influence of family members, logistics (such as where you live), and timing. An example of bad timing is when one of you may be ready to settle down, while the other still has goals to travel the world as a nomad. Regardless of your feelings for one another, reconnection may be challenging if you are not living in the same city.

If your ex enters other relationships, it may be a sign that they have moved on emotionally. In this case, you may choose to prioritize your own love life and give yourself permission to meet new people as well. 

Red flags that mean you should not try to get back together

Sometimes, your relationship ends for a reason, but your desire for familiarity can lead you to ignore relationship issues. Some relationship red flags, or deal breakers, to be aware of include any form of abuse, repeated cheating, a lack of respect, gaslighting, and controlling behavior, such as limiting your time with friends. If these red flags were present, you may want to question whether it was a great relationship, and focus on self-improvement and self-respect rather than getting back with your ex. 

What to do if you want to rekindle things

If you’d like to rekindle things, you may take some time for self-reflection first. Consider asking yourself why you broke up, how you’ve grown from this experience, and how it will be different the next time around. You may then send the other person a calm, respectful message, emphasizing that you’ve used this time for personal growth and self-improvement, and would love to catch up. 

Re attract through consistency, not pressure

Consistently showing up for the other person and respecting their personal boundaries can demonstrate that you care, are making a genuine effort to reconnect, and can be trusted, rather than pressuring them to spend time with you. 

What to do if your ex comes back 

Research shows that healthy relationships can improve mental and physical health. However, unhealthy ones can have the opposite effect. If your relationship with your ex was unhealthy or could be unhealthy in the future, it may not be the right choice to get back together.

Make a decision 

If your ex returns to your life or attempts to communicate with you, you can make a choice. Your choice might include the following: 

• Getting back together
• Blocking your ex
• Communicating your boundaries
• Becoming friends
• Asking them to give you space 
• Discussing the circumstances around your breakup 
• Asking for closure
• Asking for more time to think

You don't have to make a significant decision if you're unsure. Try to communicate with your ex about your current state of mind and gauge their reaction. You can end the conversation if they are aggressive, defensive, or unkind. 

If you decide to get back together with your ex or give them another chance, you may try couples counseling. Couples therapy can help you discuss why you broke up in a safe and neutral therapeutic environment. 

If you decide to cut off contact with your ex, ask for space, or want to see a new potential partner, blocking their social media accounts or avoiding them as much as possible may be valuable. If your ex repeatedly contacts you, follows you, or disregards your physical and emotional boundaries, it could qualify as harassment or stalking behavior. Speak with your local police department if you feel unsafe.

Set boundaries

Be cautious 

Try to be cautious when speaking to your ex. If you believe you are unsafe, unheard, or disrespected, you might choose to end the conversation and set a boundary. Also, if you've re-entered a relationship, consider taking it slow. It may take time to "return to normal" after your breakup. During this time, speaking to a couples counselor could be beneficial. 

Ways to move forward after a breakup 

After your breakup, consider the following ways to move forward from your ex. Once you have a clear mind and have moved on, you may be open to talking to your ex again. 

Focus on self-care

The first stage of a breakup can come with challenging emotions. During this stage, it can be crucial to practice self-care. Commit to self-care through activities that have been proven to support your mental and physical health, such as: 

• Spending time in nature
• Practicing mindfulness or meditation 
• Partaking in a hobby
• Eating healthy meals
• Committing to your mental health 
• Journaling about your thoughts and feelings
• Taking space from negative influences
• Practicing optimism 
• Opening your mind to new possibilities
• Relaxing when you can 
• Spending time with your pets
• Exercising 
• Talking to a relationship expert 

If you get stressed during the process of the relationship ending, practice a quick deep breathing exercise, such as box breathing, to control your nervous system. 

Feel your emotions 

Studies show that suppressing your emotions can be damaging to your overall health. If you feel sad, angry, anxious, shameful, or any other way about your breakup, consider letting yourself express those emotions healthily. A few ways to express emotions could include: 

• Journaling
• Talking to a therapist
• Crying when you feel the urge
• Labeling your emotions
• Hugging your pets when you feel sad 
• Reaching out for help when you need it 
• Recording a video diary for yourself
• Exercising or running 
• Practicing self-soothing
• Singing songs that you relate to

Take time to heal

Moving on can take time, but you may not feel this way forever. Give yourself as much time as you need, and try not to judge how long it takes you to heal.

During this time, limit exposure to your ex. You might do so by ignoring their messages, removing them from social media, or avoiding locations they frequent. Ask friends and family to avoid speaking of your ex while you process what happened.

Getting support through BetterHelp

If you’d like support healing from a breakup, are deciding whether to talk to your ex, or want to communicate openly and set clear boundaries before rekindling things, therapy can be helpful. Therapists can support your emotional well-being and help you navigate relationships while maintaining self-respect.  

Healing in your own time with online therapy

During a breakup, leaving home or making time for appointments can be challenging. If you relate, online counseling may be valuable. Through online platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you may be able to make a positive change. Signing up can take a few minutes, and you can get matched with a counselor who meets your stated preferences, such as someone with experience with couples. Couples therapy can also be done online if you and your ex get back together and want to discuss your options. 

Online therapy can be helpful for individual concerns as well as relationship troubles. Studies show that teletherapy is as effective as other options. Those participating in online therapy often report decreased depressive symptoms, higher self-efficacy, and reduced anxiety.