Focusing On Mental Health When You Feel Like A Failure at Everything

From a mental health perspective, failing can be distressing. Negative thoughts and a negative perception of failure can make you feel like giving up or increase your stress level, but you're not alone. These responses to failure may seem to undermine your confidence and exacerbate low self-esteem, demotivating you and causing a shift in mood. However, there are several professional techniques to cope with failure or fear of failure; you're not alone in these experiences. Understanding your options when failure arises can help you gain insight and prepare for future situations that may cause distress. 

Why do I feel like I’ve failed? 

Some people set goals they want to attain to improve relationships, their status at work, or to meet personal aspirations. You may choose goals based on the people around you, society, or use your ambition to set goals for the distant future. Unrealistic expectations can often contribute to this feeling of failure.

How the brain interprets setbacks

Regardless of where goals come from, it can be natural to feel disappointed if you fail to achieve them. People may fail due to multiple causes, and not all causes may be in your control. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes failure comes from the mistakes of others or misunderstandings. Either way, it can be human nature to focus on the negative aspects of our performance, which can magnify them in our eyes. 

When one event feels like proof of everything

In some cases, it just takes one mistake to make us feel like we’ve failed at everything. Maybe you run a red light and crash your car, or you perform poorly during a work presentation. This single negative experience may seem to prove a larger hypothesis: that you’re a failure at your core. You might find yourself speaking words of defeat out loud or inside your head. 

These situations can be stressful, but they don't necessarily mean anything negative about who you are. It can be possible to reframe failure and find ways to let it motivate you instead of causing you to want to give up. Failure means learning, and moving forward is part of the process. Some people may need to seek professional mental health support in order to move forward. 

Common causes of feeling like a failure

Sometimes, you may feel like you’re a failure for no apparent reason. In these cases, it might require some introspection to get to the root of the issue. 

Past experiences and long-held beliefs

Sometimes, the matter of self-esteem comes down to past experiences. You may have been neglected or even abused as a child, for instance. You might have been bullied in school or made to feel like you’re inferior to others. These experiences can create feelings of failure and self-doubt that linger into adulthood. 

Perfectionistic tendencies

Some of us are born with certain personality traits, like perfectionism, that can affect our self-esteem. If you have perfectionistic tendencies, you might feel like you have to get everything just right to feel like a success. The smallest misstep could send you into a spiral of self-loathing. 

Mental health symptoms and conditions

Symptoms of certain mental health conditions may also explain why you feel like a failure. Some conditions that tend to cause low self-esteem and self-doubt include: 

• Depression
• Anxiety disorders
• Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• Bipolar disorder
• Personality disorders

The emotional impact of feeling like a failure

Mental health concerns can cause feelings of failure, but these feelings can also worsen mental health symptoms, creating a vicious cycle of negative thoughts and emotions. 

Shame, hopelessness, and other painful feelings

Thoughts of failure can trigger painful feelings like embarrassment, sadness, isolation, and hopelessness. Your instinct may be to fight these feelings, but in many cases, this only reinforces them. Instead, allow yourself to feel these negative feelings, and then allow them to pass. If they don’t, consider reaching out for mental health support. 

How thoughts of failure affect motivation and identity

When thoughts of failure linger, they can begin to affect us on a deeper level. You may notice yourself staying in bed more or lacking the motivation to do things you enjoy. You might begin to confuse your negative feelings with who you are, which can complicate matters of identity and make progress seem impossible. In situations like this, a mental health professional can offer assistance and support. 

How to cope when you feel like a failure at work 

Work is a significant part of many people's lives. Whether you enjoy working or would rather stay home, you may spend most of your days at work. If you feel unappreciated or unfulfilled at work, happiness can decrease, and work morale may be low. If these emotions impact your work quality or a failure occurs, your distress with the situation may increase. 

It can be common for some people to think of work as a part of their identity or even as their whole world. When you meet someone new, they may ask about your job and what you enjoy. If your work is important to you, it can be helpful to know that it is only one part of who you are, and failure doesn’t mean that everything about you is ruined. And remember, even if you feel like you fall short on a particular task, failures are lessons learned. 

Practice self-acceptance and recognize low self-esteem

Ask yourself questions to understand why you’re feeling like a failure

If you frequently experience feelings of defeat at work, you may assess your job satisfaction in general. Ask yourself:

• Am I bored at work? 
• Do I feel like I'm not making a difference?
• Is the pay lower than what I believe is fair for this job description? 
• Does my job offer me a chance to be promoted? 
• Have I ever received a raise? 
• Am I making my best effort to complete my duties?
• Are there any outside circumstances that may be distracting me from work? 

These questions can help you determine why you might feel like a failure. Once you determine the cause, you can take steps to move toward a solution. For example, if you are bored at work, you might outline a schedule that keeps you more engaged. You might also ask your boss for a few odd jobs or new duties to help keep you busy. 

Think about your impact 

If you want to make a difference, consider your customers or clients. How would they be inconvenienced without you? If you improve your interactions with them, you might notice immediate changes in how you feel about yourself at work.

Consider a career change 

In some cases, you may realize that you want to change your career path. Healthy ways to approach this decision include assessing your core beliefs and understanding what truly motivates you. If you are not ignoring the real cause of your dissatisfaction, that might help you address some of your feelings of failure and frustration.

However, if your career choice is not a problem for you, changing careers may cause frustrations to travel with you. Failure can be a chance to grow at work, and it's not necessarily negative. Learning from failures, like those of famous inventors such as Thomas Edison, can be a part of achieving success.

How to cope when you feel like a failure in love  

Humans are social by nature, so relationships with others may affect your sense of self-worth. However, it can be dangerous to tie your self-worth to romantic relationships and whether you are loved. Putting your worth at the mercy of another person can lead to social anxiety and fear if a relationship ends or doesn't turn out as you hope. Below are a few strategies for coping when a relationship fails.  

Be yourself 

When entering a relationship, be yourself from the beginning. Speak up about your opinions, core beliefs, feelings, and hopes, and spend time with diverse people. Being with another person does not mean you have to lose yourself. Recognize that your partner can have feelings and interests unrelated to you. In addition, if they are upset or distressed, it may be helpful not to assume it is your fault.

Being yourself from the beginning and looking for healthy behaviors from potential partners may lead to you having healthier and more fulfilling relationships. 

Re-think unhealthy relationships

If your partner puts you down or tells you that you are a failure, this may be a sign of abuse or an unhealthy relationship. In these cases, it might be safest to end the relationship. When a relationship ends, it does not necessarily signify defeat. Instead, it can be a new beginning and a phase of growth.

Moving forward from such relationships can be a significant step in improving your mental health.

How to start feeling better when you feel like a failure

You don’t have to continue feeling like a failure. There are some things you can do right now to start feeling better. 

Start small instead of fixing everything

When you’re feeling like you’ve failed at everything, you might have the urge to start making big changes. However, this approach could be unrealistic and may make you feel overwhelmed. Instead, try to start small with little changes that can make a big difference. Here are some examples to help you make quick progress: 

• Clean and organize your living area. A clean space can promote a clear mind.
• Create a daily routine and stick to it. Try to get up and go to bed around the same time each day. Schedule time to be productive and time to rest and recharge. 
• Meal prep so you have a variety of healthy and convenient meals and snacks to fuel your day.
• Go on a daily walk or participate in some other form of exercise on a regular basis.
• Try to do something you enjoy each day, if only for a short time.   

Challenge the words you use about yourself

If you’ve been feeling like a failure for a while, chances are you’ve developed a habit of negative self-talk that could be impeding your eventual success. It could be important to reflect on how you’ve been talking to yourself in your own mind. Words matter, even unspoken ones. Are you speaking words of encouragement or defeat? 

When negative self-talk becomes a habit, it can take some time and effort to break it. You can start by observing the thoughts that you have about yourself throughout the day. When you observe a negative thought, stop and ask yourself if the thought is true and helpful. If not, change the thought to one that’s more appropriate to the situation. Over time, you can start to train your brain to be more positive. 

Set healthy goals 

If you often struggle to reach your goals, you may discover your goals are not aligned with your values. It may be worth reassessing your goals and finding new ones to bring you more significant satisfaction over time. Further, goals based on your core values may be more meaningful to you. 

Examples of core values 

• Dependability
• Reliability
• Loyalty
• Commitment
• Open-mindedness
• Consistency
• Honesty
• Efficiency
• Innovation
• Creativity
• Good humor
• Compassion
• Spirit of adventure
• Motivation
• Positivity
• Optimism
• Passion
• Respect
• Fitness
• Courage
• Education
• Perseverance
• Patriotism
• Service to others
• Environmentalism

Once you identify your core values, see if your goals align with them. If your goals do not reflect your core values, find ways to integrate them. For example, if your core value is honesty, but your goal is to change your personality to fit in with popular people, you aren't being honest with yourself or others. Instead, you might restructure your goal to find friends or family members who value you for who you are. 

Professional mental health support for perceived failure: Online therapy 

If you're struggling to set goals or understand why you think you're a failure, it may be helpful to speak to a therapist. A counselor can help you outline your goals, restructure your thoughts, and help you develop healthy behaviors. Seeking professional help can be a key step in addressing mental health conditions and learning a healthy way to cope with failure.

How online therapy can help when you feel like a failure at everything

If you can’t find a counselor in your area or struggle with financial insecurity, you can also try therapy through an online platform like BetterHelp. Therapists can also help with additional concerns, such as substance misuse.

The efficacy of online therapy for depression and related mental health challenges

Recent research has shown that online therapy positively affects people with confidence challenges, depression, or a lack of motivation. A study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders compared the efficacy of online therapy with that of traditional therapy in treating depression. The study focused on the immediate and long-term effects of both types of therapy delivery and found that online therapy was more successful in treating clients with depression, with results lasting at the three-month follow-up. 

Participants received online counseling using cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), a talk therapy widely implemented to help clients cope with and restructure negative or maladaptive thoughts. Those undertaking online-based CBT work with therapists in limited sessions, in addition to completing assignments and utilizing specialized techniques on their own time to manage their symptoms. 

Internet-based CBT can be a convenient and cost-effective way to cope with a fear of defeat or failure. An online therapist can offer actionable exercises and worksheets for clients to complete between sessions. You may also have the opportunity to connect with your therapist through messaging during the week, outside of sessions.