Marriage Counseling Techniques
Medically Reviewed By Laura Angers, NCC, LPC
When a couple makes the decision to seek marriage counseling, the decision began as the decision of one half of the couple, who in turn pitched the idea to the other half of the couple. The other may or may not have been in agreement, therapists find that this is often the case that one will balk at the idea. This balking is associated with the idea of counseling, or therapy in general.
While marital problems are not a mental health condition, marital conflict and the ensuing stress can lead to health problems such as hypertension, anxiety, and depression. All of which can lead to other physical or mental health issues. Couples might be more amenable to marriage therapy if they saw it as more of a preventive measure than as treatment. With that stated, there are several approaches to couples counseling that keep this model in mind. Just as there is not a one size fits all with individual counseling, there certainly is not with marriage therapy as the marriage is after all comprised of individuals.
The Adlerian or Individual Approach
Alfred Adler was one of the pioneers in individual therapy. He believed that one had to treat the individual as a whole and how that individual experienced and viewed the world. Adler was quite successful in working with both individuals and couples, because of his realization that there were two distinct persons involved in the marriage, and that the status of couple implies oneness, that the individual's needs must come first. Often couples will say, "We want to save our marriage." When two people are so intent upon saving the marriage, that they lose themselves, a great deal of damage is generated. Therefore, a couples therapist who employs the Adlerian approach recognizes this tenet and works with both the individual and the partner as a contributing member of a relationship.
Married Couples Group Therapy
While it is comforting to realize there are others on the planet or in the community with the same sorts of problems, to take relationship issues into a group setting can have an incredible impact. The most obvious being that of privacy and confidentiality. Airing one's dirty marital linen in public, or group, can cause much discomfort within a marriage. If one shares something the other is not comfortable with others knowing, an issue that may have until now not existed has been created.
Confidentiality is at stake because even though the therapist is bound by ethical rules applicable to the profession to maintain confidentiality, and in group therapy sessions is required to admonish members of the group that what takes place in group, stays in group - there are no guarantees. No one wants to have their situation, let alone the possibility of their names posted in someone else's Facebook status.
Another issue is that when couples get together as a group even in social settings, like genders tend to form alliances and this causes the other to feel "ganged up on." This does not create a healthy couples counseling environment.
With other types of issues, group therapy can work quite well. For marriage therapy, strong consideration should be given.
Therapeutic Model vs. Pragmatic
With the therapeutic model, couples therapists treat relationship problems much like they would a mental health issue. This can set the stage for blaming and labeling. Marital conflict can be due to one partner or both partners having a mental health concern, or substance abuse/addiction issues; however, these should be treated individually, as separate concerns and separate people. Individual therapy should be conducted outside the marriage or couples therapy alliance. However, the couple can discuss how these issues have impacted the marriage when in marriage counseling.
With the pragmatic model couples are encouraged to deal with immediate issues that are causing conflict. The easy fixes. This could mean that partners will spend more quality time together, learn each other’s love language, or just communicate better so that they can make more informed decisions about the relationship. That means there should be a great deal of self-examination on the part of each individual, to determine the motive, and to discover triggers. After which the couple then begins working on solutions for conflict resolution.
For more information about marriage counseling techniques and to find the best fit for you as an individual, and then as a couple, go to BetterHelp.com. BetterHelp has a team of mental health professionals, including licensed marriage and family therapists, who can help you address concerns in your relationship. Online couples therapy can be more convenient and accessible than in-person therapy, giving partners the ability to connect with a licensed professional remotely, without having to go a therapist’s office.
Commonly Asked Questions
What techniques do marriage counselors use?
There are numerous marriage counseling techniques that a couples counselor might use. It’s important to remember that different marriage counseling techniques will work for different couples, depending on their areas of concern, like communication skills, sexual and emotional intimacy, money, etc.
One of the most widely used couples therapy techniques is reflective listening, which allows each partner to develop a deeper understanding of the other’s thoughts and emotions. Reflective listening involves paying close attention to the ideas and emotions being expressed by your partner and then crafting a response that conveys your understanding of what they said to you. If partners in a relationship often feel hurt because they don’t think they’re being heard, reflective listening may be a useful solution.
Your therapist may suggest that you simply need more one-on-one time so that you can re-connect. During this time, ask your partner questions that will provoke deeper conversations, about the relationship or just life in general. Asking questions has been shown to improve social bonds and can help you learn more about your partner.
What is the Gottman Method couples therapy?
Developed by psychologist John Gottman, the Gottman Method for couples therapy is one of the most widely known systems for helping to improve relationship satisfaction. The Gottman Method is based on seven principles, which are meant to help romantic partners’ bonding behavior become stronger. Gottman also identified four negative behavior patterns that frequently lead to relationship conflict and divorce. The Gottman Method has helped many relationships and is considered one of the most effective couples therapy techniques available.
What type of therapy is best for married couples?
There are a variety of different types of couples therapy available for partners to pursue. One popular form of couple’s counseling is imago relationship therapy (IRT), developed by Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., and Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. Imago relationship therapy focuses on how childhood experiences can affect adult relationships later in life. The word imago refers to the “image” of love we develop as children and how we bring that with us to adult relationships. You likely didn’t realize as a child that your experiences would impact future relationships, but—according to IRT at least—they did.
Imago relationship therapy can help each partner in a relationship heal while improving relationship difficulties and helping to build a healthy relationship overall. If you have specific concerns that keep cropping up, imago relationship therapy could be the form of couples therapy that works for you.
Another helpful form of couples therapy is emotionally focused therapy (EFT), which as the name suggests, is centered around emotions. Emotionally focused therapy utilizes attachment theory as one of its principles, which can help individuals understand how their interpersonal relationship style affects the marriage. Emotionally focused couples therapy can be helpful for those who are experiencing issues with trust or negative emotions in a relationship. A meta-analysis of peer-reviewed studies showed that EFT improves relationship satisfaction in a sustainable manner.
Another option when you want to seek couples therapy is narrative therapy. As it applies to adult relationships, narrative therapy focuses on each partner’s experiences in the world and how the stories they tell regarding those experiences affect the relationship. The process of narrative therapy involves understanding your life in narrative form and the ways in which we often only tell a single story about ourselves. Narrative couples therapy helps partners learn how they can change their story to improve their relationship.
Of course, there are a variety of other marriage counseling techniques that can help teach couples how to better function. The method you utilize will likely depend on the specifics of your relationship, such as sexual orientation, medical history, whether you have children, etc.
Often, licensed therapists who work with couples will have a specialty, which could be based on broad categories, like family therapy, or more specific ones, like blended families. Many therapists will even give you take-home training materials that you can work through with your partner on your own time.
Do some research before you start therapy or talk to your primary care provider or other medical professionals to make sure you’re working with the licensed therapist who will provide the best marriage counseling for you and your partner. The most important thing is that you and your partner are taking steps to improve the relationship and your lives together.
References
"5 Principles of Effective Couples Therapy." Psychology Today. Accessed May 5, 2017. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/5-principles-effective-couples-therapy.
Blinder, Martin G., and Martin Kirschenbaum. "The Technique of Married Couple Group Therapy." Archives of General Psychiatry 17, no. 1 (July 1, 1967): 44-52. doi:10.1001/archpsyc.1967.01730250046007.
Dinkmeyer, Don, and Jon Carlson. "Adlerian Marriage Therapy." The Family Journal 1, no. 2 (April 1, 1993): 144-49. doi:10.1177/1066480793012005.
Poon, Vincent H.K. "Model for Counseling People in Relationships." Canadian Family Physician 53, no. 2 (February 2007): 237-38.
Schofield, Margot J., Nicholas Mumford, DubravkoJurkovic, IvancicaJurkovic, and Andrew Bickerdike. "Short and Long-Term Effectiveness of Couple Counselling: A Study Protocol." BMC Public Health 12 (2012): 735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735.
