Can Abuse Be Unintentional?

At first glance, examining the cause or reason why an individual becomes abusive can seem complex or difficult to understand. It can feel shocking, surprising, or unexpected to witnesses or experiences an act of violence or abuse. However, by delving into an individual’s personal, familial, social, or psychological histories, a pattern may begin to emerge, along with a deeper understanding of the causes of behavior of physical, sexual, or emotional abusers.

Transgenerational or intergenerational trauma is the concept that trauma can often be transmitted from one generation to another. This could mean that one generation passes PTSD, anxiety, depression, or other mental health symptoms to the next generation. Still, it could also mean that one generation passes cultural norms of violence or abuse to the next generation. For example, it may be considered normal for parents to use physical, verbal, or emotional abuse as a method for disciplining children for a particular family because they believe it is for the child’s own good and don’t know anything different. Suppose one or both parents used abuse or violence as a method of discipline. This family might regard abusive behavior as a normal and perfectly acceptable way of parenting. This cycle of violence and abuse continues generation after generation until the descendants break the cycle. In this way, the abuse might be intentional and unintentional because the parents might have good intentions for their children but are unaware of the lasting, traumatic impact of abuse.

For many individuals who act in an abusive manner, they are either acting out what has been done to them, have attachment or trust issues that trigger aggressive responses, or are in the habit of unconsciously projecting their emotions and fears onto the other person. The abuser might be trying to hurt another person because they are suffering and don’t know how to cope with their pain or foster healthy relationships. They may use abuse to assert their control and authority over the other person to defend against deeper fears of abandonment or rejection.

However, some abusers know that they are causing abuse and cannot stop out of fear of loss of control. In contrast, others commonly referred to as sociopathy, psychopathy, malignant narcissism, or antisocial personality disorder might actually enjoy exploiting, hurting, or abusing others. Certain characteristics present in our culture may also support or encourage the development of abusive behaviors. For instance, in certain branches of the military, lack of empathy, tolerance of violence, and being able to kill on command are behaviors that are rewarded and necessary to do the job, which may make some feel that it is acceptable to physically or emotionally abuse another. Similarly, in certain corporate environments and industries, ruthless competition, manipulation, abusive behavior and language, and maximizing profit at any human or environmental cost are often qualities that are praised, elevated, and rewarded. An individual who learns to assimilate to a given culture within an environment naturally begins to take on certain characteristics, beliefs, or norms within that environment and may not feel remorseful, even in the shadow of abuse.

Whether the abuse one has experienced in a relationship is intentional or unintentional, it is important to recognize and categorize any abuse as abuse. For survivors of abuse, from child abuse to domestic violence, there may be feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, or one may feel that they deserved the abuse. Survivors may empathize with or defend their abusers, stating that it was unintentional, pointing to their abusers’ past trauma or woundedness. Sometimes, this empathy for the abuser will keep the victim trapped in the cycle of abuse, which involves four different phases: tension building, the incident or explosion, reconciliation, and calm. To begin healing, it is important to recognize this cycle, and those feelings of self-blame and guilt are often directly related to abuse. Most communities have community mental health centers, women’s shelters, domestic violence, or crisis lines that can help survivors of abuse. If you have been experiencing domestic violence, reach out for help immediately. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.