I am so glad that you are taking the step to ask about what to do with your present emotional and mental struggle. It is humbling to ask for help and it is so important to do so!
First of all, it seems like there are some deep emotions swirling around inside of you. You had shared that you "shouldn't be having" some of these emotions. One of the first things that we need to do, to help us move through our emotions is to be able to accept that our emotions are important and necessary. You may not like them, but saying that you shouldn't have them is shaming yourself for being an emotional person. You don't choose these emotions. They are connected to something in your life that wants to and needs to be sat with and dealt with, with kindness. So please seek to be kind to the fact that you have these emotions. You are not wrong or bad or shouldn't have these emotions.
Secondly, emotions truly come and go. Some emotions will linger if we are not willing to look at them, talk about them and deal with them. But if we are willing to be honest about what is going on, emotions are like waves, they come and they go. When we try to avoid the emotions that want to come, they can start to swirl around us. And then we have to continue to seek to let them come and go in and through us.
Third, I want to help you, in this answer to your question guide you in some next steps. It seems like you are struggling with some emotions and thoughts that are taking you over. So we will talk about some steps you can take to seek to help yourself in this emotional state.
Now, obviously, I don't know all that is going on for you, so I do not have all the information and so I will be guiding you with some missing pieces to the puzzle.
When we look at how emotional processing works well, we have to acknowledge that we have feelings and that they are worthy of being heard, talked about, sat with, labeled and dealt with. If we don't do that, we can't have movement through emotions. So this step can be done with another person - this can be done with a friend, someone you feel safe and cared for and they will love you well in your emotions. This step can be done with a mentor or guide or therapist. It is most important that you have a safe place to share and that you are honest. Seek to share all that you are feeling and all that you are experiencing. Label your emotions. Notice where you are feeling your emotions in your body. You can also do this step while journaling by yourself. In this part of emotional processing, be honest, be kind to what emotions you are having, label the emotions and seek to be willing to look at all that is going on that might be bringing this emotion up.
Another part of emotional processing is to recognize what actions you are needing to take within the emotion. So if you fear that your relationships aren't doing well because of something you have done, then it is time to have a heart to heart with your friend or family member and be honest about how you are feeling and why. Then seek to hear their heart in this struggle. You long to be there for your parents, but you know that this time in your life it is wise for you to take steps to be on your own, close to your sister and traveling. I can see how you feel torn in that. Do you want to move back by your parents so that you can help them? Is that a healthy decision for you and for your future? That is something to talk over with someone you trust that would be able to help you make a wise decision.
It seems like you are seeking to be strong and brave and strong for your boyfriend and his emotions. When we do that, we are actually hiding parts of ourselves and feeling that we need to do that. That does not bring about intimacy within in those relationships. And I wonder if your boyfriend wants you to hide yourself from him? I would ask him that question and see what he has to say. I also would love to have you sit with and talk with someone wise ... What are you scared of, if you are honest with your boyfriend while he is also anxious?
I wonder too, if it would be wise to acknowledge and be kind to the fact that you may be experiencing very normal and human feelings with having moved away from your family that clearly likes your support, that you are feeling some emotions about being in a new place and having to navigate that. It is also very emotional and can be a struggle to move forward with a significant other and move together. Of course, that can feel weird to feel that way because you want to be with him and want the relationship. But it is also uncomfortable to have to navigate how to deal with different emotions and wants and struggles. This can be very emotional and also something you still want. I hear about this often with people who move with their significant others.
Your body mind and soul are telling you that you need some support emotionally. I encourage you to get that support either through counseling, mentorship or a safe loving friend. You need to express what is going on and seek to then step into caring for your emotions on a regular basis.
Sometimes when our anxiety is high, it can also be tied to the fact that you have a lots of different emotions that you don't like to talk about and deal with. So you may have just anxiety, but many times, my clients actually have lots of different emotions that may be harder to acknowledge - like disappointment that living in this new place isn't what I wanted, that living with my significant other is harder than I had hoped, uncomfortability that you left your parents and that they really want your support back at home.
I hope that you can express what you are going through in safe places as well as seek to be caring for the things in your life that you need. Check in with the ways that you are or are not caring for yourself ...
Are you moving your body in kind ways?Are you eating food that your body wants?Are you feeling loved and safe to be you?Are you being fulfilled spiritually?
Seek to check in with a wholistic view of how you are doing as well.
I wish you the best of luck with moving forward with your emotions and your mind!Paula