Anger Answers

How to manage Vulnerability and unleash you potential for challenging tasks?

We cannot know what we haven't learned. You might ask me " Speak to me in Portuguese."  and I wouldn't be able to because I don't speak that language.  Even if I looked words up, they may not come out right and I may not understand exactly what the words mean to native speakers.   Living, working, and relating are like learning a language.  Who taught us to speak that language? Did we grow up relating to people who were good teachers?  Were they responsible and able to provide for our physical and emotional needs?  Were they patient and willing to walk with us and help us learn when we made mistakes? Sometimes when our early teachers let us down, we are anxious and fearful about other people, our studies, our jobs, and the world.  A beautiful study called the ACES (Adverse Child Experiences Study) delineates this well.  It shows how difficult, adverse experiences in childhood lead to problems with feelings, physical health, relational health, and more as adults. The great news is we can all learn new things. When I read what you wrote, I thought "wow, here is a person who has made the decision to be vulnerable, that's marvelous!"  The fact that you feel fear and anxiety is a problem to be solved. If your fear, anxiety, and difficulty managing things easily are not rooted in the past, in your childhood, perhaps it is related to something in the present.  The demands on an individual in this unprecedented time of lockdowns, illness, and the closing of businesses present enormous stressors.  People who were doing well can suddenly find themselves unable to manage what once came fairly easily to them.  That is so understandable. "Anyone can experience too much stress.  There is a very well-known instrument called the "Hans Style Stress Scale" that measures common life events and assigns them stress points.   Seyle believed the body was designed to handle stress and that the body and mind had certain reactions to stress.  For example, getting married, which can be a great experience, is also counted as one of the top ten stressors of life and rates 50 points out of 100 on the Seyle Stress scale.  Even "good stress" is stressful!   He also believed that unremitting stress affected our ability to adapt.  He saw this as going through 3 Stages:  1) alarm  2) resistance and 3) exhaustion if the stress had no remission.  If we become exhausted through stress, our fears and anxieties are heightened and our ability to manage our daily living tasks becomes affected.   Sometimes a person hurts us in life or an important relationship, school or business opportunity ends.  What a difficult experience that is for all of us as human beings.  This, too, can bring on fear, anxiety, and inability to handle everyday affairs in an effective and peaceful manner. It increases our stress. There are simple and effective tools to learn to handle this.  There is a way to breathe deeply, to reorient the thought-life, to promote an inner serenity. There are ways to do simple exercise, to walk daily, to drink more water, to become conscious of eating healthy foods.  By learning these tools, stress can go down, alarm signals go off,  fear and anxiety can begin to diminish.  Peace can return to body, mind, and spirit. .....There is a way to get better help.  Betterhelp.
(MSW, LCSW)
Answered on 10/18/2021

How do I keep my differences aside and focus on my daily life?

Thank you for reaching out to better help for assistance. I look forward to assisting you. Sounds like you would like to know how you can keep your differences aside and focus on your daily life? Sounds like you don't like your landlord very much.  Sounds like you live in the same house as him and he is just not a nice person and has a lot of negative traits that bother you.  Sounds like the city you live in is expensive and the rent for this place is good. Sounds like everything is good about the rental place except the landlord. Sounds like you want to confront him but haven't and this just makes you angry and you think about it a lot when you are home. I understand the pros and cons of this situation. Sounds like the pros are the price and the cons are negative traits of the landlord. Do you have separate living areas from your landlord? How much do you have to interact with your landlord? Can you keep your area of the place clean and nice? Have you looked for other rentals in the area? Are there other rentals that you can afford and like? You really need to look at the pros and cons. I would suggest you apply the cognitive behavioral therapy/ CBT and the ABC Model and challenge your thoughts and beliefs to get the best outcome for yourself. ABC Model is a cognitive-behavioral skill. A= the activating event, B= your thoughts and beliefs, C= the outcome and consequences. The key is to challenge and dispute your thoughts and beliefs to get the best outcome for yourself. You want to look at the pros and cons of this situation. What weighs heavier, the pros or the cons? Can you find another place that would be better?  You can't change and control your landlord but you can change and control how you react to him.  If the price is good and it works for you, can you live in your area and ignore his area?  Is there enough space between where you both live that you can do this?  Do you feel there is a safety hazard here?  If you feel there might be a fire or safety hazard and you don't feel comfortable with all his stuff around, I would be assertive with him and discuss this and how you don't feel comfortable or safe with all the stuff. That it might cause a fire or other accident or hazard. See what you might be able to do to work on this situation?  I hope this helped some. I wish you the best and look forward to hearing from you. 
(LPC, NCC, MS)
Answered on 10/18/2021

Why do I get random outbursts (getting mad for no reason, etc)?

Hello! I am glad that you reached out! I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with controlling your outbursts. Oftentimes experiences from the past can affect how we cope presently. In therapy, you can process any past emotional experiences that may be contributing to your present-day emotions. Therapy can be an effective treatment for a host of mental and emotional problems, including anger management. Talking about your thoughts and feelings with a supportive person can often make you feel better. It can be very healing, in and of itself, to voice your worries or talk about something that’s weighing on your mind. And it feels good to be listened to—to know that someone else cares about you and wants to help. While it can be very helpful to talk about your problems to close friends and family members, sometimes you need help that the people around you aren’t able to provide. When you need extra support, an outside perspective, or some expert guidance, talking to a therapist or counselor can help. While the support of friends and family is important, therapy is different. Therapists are professionally-trained listeners who can help you get to the root of your problems, overcome emotional challenges, and make positive changes in your life. You don’t have to be diagnosed with a mental health problem to benefit from therapy. Many people in therapy seek help for everyday concerns: relationship problems, job stress, or self-doubt, for example. Others turn to therapy during difficult times, such as divorce. But in order to reap its benefits, it’s important to choose the right therapist—someone you trust who makes you feel cared for and has the experience to help you make changes for the better in your life. A good therapist helps you become stronger and more self-aware. Finding the right therapist will probably take some time and work, but it’s worth the effort. The connection you have with your therapist is essential. You need someone who you can trust—someone you feel comfortable talking to about difficult subjects and intimate secrets, someone who will be a partner in your recovery. Therapy won’t be effective unless you have this bond, so take some time in the beginning to find the right person. It’s okay to shop around and ask questions when interviewing potential therapists. The good thing about Betterhelp is that you have so many qualified therapists to choose from. As you start to resolve your past and current issues you are more likely to have control of your emotions and be on a path to a healthier future. I wish you the best in finding the best support and treatment!
Answered on 10/18/2021

How can I found new outlets for anger? Idk how explain the rest on text

How can I find new outlets for anger? I do not know how to explain the rest on text. You shared that you do not know you just do not feel like you and you shared that you have had horrible anxiety, anger, feeling empty and you feel like you have a void from something but you do not know at this time. You questioned how can you find new outlets for anger. You also shared how do you know how to explain the rest of text at this time. Based on your question and prior statement, I would highly suggest that you first start with seeking mental health therapy from a professional counselor and or professional therapist to discuss what currently triggers you to struggle with experiencing thoughts and feelings of anxiety, becoming angry, feelings of emptiness, and feeling like you are in a void at this time. Anger is usually always secondary to another emotion. When you meet with a professional counselor and or professional therapist you can openly discuss how to effectively manage, decrease and or alleviate your thoughts and feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of emotions at this time. Experiencing symptoms of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of emotions can be quite uncomfortable which is why it can be managed and or alleviated with therapy and at times medication may be needed if your symptoms are severe. A professional counselor and or professional therapist can help you process what it is exactly that keeps you overthinking and feeling stressed out because of your feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of emotions. A professional counselor and or professional therapist can also help you develop and implement coping skills to decrease your feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of your thoughts and emotions at this time. Behavior interventions, Psychotherapy, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have all been quite beneficial in helping people who experience feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like they are void of emotions. A professional counselor and or professional therapist can assist you in learning how to effectively implement coping skills to decrease your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings in regards to your feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of emotions. A professional counselor and or professional therapist can also introduce you to anger management techniques, anxiety-reducing techniques, grounding techniques, deep breathing techniques, calming techniques, stress management techniques, progressive muscle relaxation, positive interpersonal relationships, social skills and imagery as a means of decreasing your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings about your thoughts and feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of emotions. In an effort to decrease your feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of emotions, you can try to commit to changing the way you think. It will take a lot of practice, dedication and determination to work on decreasing your feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of emotions. However, trying to do this will help you feel better and it can lead to your feeling much better and becoming more productive. You can recognize when it is happening and when you find it happening you can choose to think about something more productive. You can also look for solutions by committing to learning from your mistakes and solving your problems so that you can productively move forward, set aside time to think when you notice that you are becoming angry then try to distract yourself with a self-care activity and you can practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the key to living in the "here and now." When you become mindful, you will be completely present at the moment. It can be like a form of meditation that takes a lot of practice, but over time and with consistency, it can be very beneficial in decreasing your feelings of anger. Overall, I highly recommend that you seek help from a professional counselor, professional therapist and or medical provider if needed. A professional counselor and or professional therapist can properly assist you in finding tools that can specifically help you alleviate, decrease or manage your symptoms of feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of emotions. Mental health is not a one-size-fits-all, so it is important to get personalized treatment for your specific and current mental and emotional needs in regards to your symptoms and or feelings of anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness and feeling like you are void of emotions at this time. Best regards to you!                                                      
(EdS, LPC-S, NCC, BC-TMH)
Answered on 10/18/2021

I experienced anger towards a family member, but days later my anger hasn’t left. How do I resolve?

This is a great question. Our anger builds over time and when our inner self has had so much of it, the explosion can take place. The thing about being angry is figuring out why you are angry. Many people have used the helpful tool "Anger Iceberg" it's a useful worksheet that identifies the anger and digs deeper into the self. This is something I would recommend to any client and go with them. Sometimes anger is more than just being mad and staying mad. It's depression, worry, anxiety, stress, frustration, and more. Once you identify these feelings the real work begins with learning healthy coping skills to control that anger and overcoming it. I would like to reflect that anger causes a response from others as well. If you're angry about being locked out and failed promises, what is going for your parents. Why did they have the initial response to lock you out?  When the timing is right, do some self-reflection on this situation. Your parents locked you out, what happened before that. Go through the scenario of events. Explore the before, during, and after. Write this out so it's even more concrete in your findings. You mentioned feelings of depression after being angered, where does that come from for you? Does the feeling of depression occur because you are upset with yourself for begin angrily, or it is more related to your parents? This could every impactful to your story. In some ways, we must be able to tell our own stories. We refer to this as Narrative Therapy and the positive to this technique is the client being able to share what's happened to them and identify the past to see how it's affecting the present. It can be very effective in sessions.  TIPS for countering Anger:  Learn to identify your anger. Once you have acknowledged the warning signs of your anger, know when to step away before things escalate. Slow down and think before you speak, ask yourself "what am I really angry about?", take 3 deep breaths, do physical exercise, speak in "I" statements and express your anger calmly, respond in humor instead of hostility, take a time out and return to the situation, identify possible solutions to this event that caused your anger to flare up. 
(MA, LPC, NCC)
Answered on 10/18/2021

How can u help a person who is short tempered

I am very sorry to hear this.   That is a very difficult situation.   I think the first and most important thing is that you are safe.  Does your father get physically aggressive when he is angry?  If so, it's important to tell someone who can help.   If he does not get physically violent, the next step is to evaluate what is going on.  Are you able to talk to other family members about your dad's behavior, like an aunt, uncle, or grandparent from his side of the family?   It's also important to look at whether or not this might be related to a medical issue like diabetes or dementia.  Are you able to talk to your dad when he is calmer?  Unfortunately, you cannot change your dad.  That is something that he would have to decide to do on his own.   You can calmly express your feelings in one of his calm moments if he is willing and able to listen at that time.  You can also ask him if he needs to talk and maybe even suggest he attends therapy to help him get the support he needs.  Otherwise, the best that you can do is be mindful about how you interact with your dad in situations that he is likely to get angry.   Is he often quick to anger in the morning or when he gets home from work?  If you notice a pattern in his anger outbursts, you may need to be mindful of your interactions with him in his more stressful times.  If you do not notice a pattern, you may need to be selective about when, where, and how you interact with him.   If you live with him, your choices may be more limited, but you can still make an effort to minimize your contact and therefore the likelihood that you will have to be around him when he is angry.  I know that you are in a very difficult situation, but with some effort to be mindful of your choices when you are around your dad, I think you will find that things get better for you.  
Answered on 10/18/2021

How do I control my anger when egged on by a narcissist

Hi Elm. Glad you reached out! Being involved with a narcissist is extremely challenging indeed. You're right.... they do know how to push your buttons. I know this is easier said than done but I would suggest you try to work on focusing on yourself and not giving away your power. Your buttons are getting pushed because they are out there, to begin with. This isn't about self-blame, it's about taking personal responsibility for your own happiness! I suggest you take a look at setting some serious boundaries with your husband and start trying little by little to start setting them. And it's okay with walking away when you need to. As soon as you start to feel that heat in the back of your neck, use that as a cue to walk away! Maybe you could start writing down what is in your best interest. Possibly start journaling and get some clarity. As far as anger, it's almost always a secondary emotion. What feeling is understand the anger? Is it fear, hurt, sadness, etc? I know it seems like anger just explodes, but there is a lot in between. Pay attention to the early signs of the explosion. Also, it might help you to start paying attention to your thinking. How could you change your thinking in a way that helps how your feeling?  Look up Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's basically the belief that it's not the triggering event so much as it is the automatic thought that pops into your head that is mostly what leads to your negative feelings. I know... it takes practice and time! It might also help you to make a plan for when your husband tries to push your buttons. I would also suggest you look into Codependency and see if you relate. What is your personal style of communication? I know it's difficult for you to use "I " statements when speaking to your husband, especially when already in a place of anger. It's just you can only change your own behavior. It can be hard to accept. I know. I hope there is something here that is helpful. I wish you well and good luck! 
(LCSW-R, MA, Social, Science)
Answered on 10/18/2021

How do I feel less angry?

Hi Nemo,  Thank you for your question. I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with worries about the future and that feeling that your efforts are not enough. It sounds like you've been trying to make healthy decisions but are having issues with follow-through and maintaining those new habits. It also sounds like you're experiencing a lot of anger that is impacting your ability to do those things that you need/want to do for yourself. You also mention a feeling of loneliness because you've found it difficult to maintain friendships.  There are many different strategies that can help in situations like this starting with acknowledging your feelings and having empathy for yourself in what you've been through.  It can be a mistake to ignore your emotions and just try to distract yourself or move through the days without examining them. Find ways to get in touch with how you're feeling on a regular basis and allow yourself to truly feel those feelings. If you need to cry, that's okay- if you're feeling angry, find a safe way to let that out as well. Are you aware of people, places, or situations that trigger your anger? If so, it may be helpful to expand on that awareness and prepare yourself for those stressful situations. While eventually, you will want to learn to manage your anger, learning to identify and manage triggers can be an effective way to cope in the meantime. Add exercise into your daily routine: It can be difficult to feel motivated to exercise when you’re feeling worried or angry but exercise can help improve your mood. That’s because exercise helps your body release endorphins, a hormone that makes you temporarily feel good. Exercise can also improve your sleeping patterns. Get enough sleep every night: Focus on sleeping seven to eight hours a night. Feeling well-rested can help improve your mood and motivation. If you’re having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, talk to your doctor. Spend time doing things you enjoy: It’s important to make time for yourself. Plan activities that you enjoy, even if it’s something as simple as taking a walk or making time to read a book. Having something enjoyable to look forward to may also improve your mood. Develop a sense of self-compassion: self-compassion is a compassionate response toward one's own suffering, which can interfere with self-criticism likely to be cued during challenging tasks. It can also strengthen the motivation to engage in self-help strategies. Visualize yourself from the perspective of a compassionate observer. Notice from the outside how feelings are upsetting you and how they are reflected in your appearance. Try to let the warm feeling of compassion and desire to help arise within yourself. Say to yourself: “It is understandable that you feel that way. You are experiencing a natural response to upsetting thoughts. But I am going to help you.” Encourage yourself by saying: “You can pull yourself out of this mood again. You have already accomplished so much; you will be able to deal with this.” Visualize putting your hand on your shoulder or hugging yourself to soothe and comfort yourself. Give yourself a friendly smile. Think about if there are other things you want to tell yourself that would energize and encourage you to cheer up. Take your time to say those things. When you feel it is appropriate, begin saying goodbye to yourself and remind yourself that you can come back every time you want. Therapy could be a really powerful way to manage your anger and loneliness. You've taken the most important first step in recognizing that you need help in managing your symptoms. Working with a therapist may include several different strategies. Identifying negative thinking patterns that contribute to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and developing a more positive outlook. Exploring learned thoughts and behaviors that create problems and contribute to your current mood. Identifying problems that may contribute to consistent anger and which aspects of those problems you may be able to solve or improve. Regaining a sense of control and pleasure in life. You may want to journal about the things that cause your angry episodes- what happened before, during, and after.  Lastly, make a point to reach out to the people in your support network. You said you've always found it difficult to keep up with friends, so it might be helpful to set reminders. Who do you wish you had a better relationship with? Who makes you feel better when you spend time together? Who always answers the phone when you call? Set some goals around communication and social activities. You might be surprised at how willing your community is to show up after you reach out.  It's possible to feel better. You've got this. 
Answered on 10/18/2021

How to control my temper

Dear Janel,   Thank you for your message.   Anger is a response we have when we don't feel understood, don't feel listened to, don't feel respected. At first, we might just feel disappointed or irritated, however, it escalates often when others add fuel into it by saying words that are hurtful, misunderstanding, and dismissive. We then become even angrier and at last, we turn our anger into rage.   To control anger we must understand how anger works within us. Anger is almost like a volcano when it erupts, it releases a large amount of energy and often is destructive. However, this energy is often accumulated for a while before it erupts. If we can understand what accumulates this energy with us, and find ways to release it, then we can be assured that our volcano will not erupt.   Anger is the natural emotion created in a fight-or-flight situation by the physiology of your mind and body. When you sense a threat your mind generates fear and anger.  The fear you generate is part of a flight response from your physiology. Anger is the emotional energy you generate for the fight against that perceived threat.    What can be confusing is that your mind creates fear and anger even when the threat is just imagined.   Emotions like anger are natural and real.  Even if the threat is imagined the anger you create is just as real and powerful. However, the reasons you generate anger aren't always real. If you aren't aware of how your mind is imagining scenarios of hurt your anger will appear irrational.   Real vs. Imagined Anger   It can sometimes be difficult to distinguish a real threat from an imagined threat because they can happen at the same time.  For example, someone is cutting you off on the freeway and a car briefly maneuvers in a way that could cause an accident and possibly injure your body.  There's a natural fight-or-flight reaction to your emotions and you create a combination of fear and anger. The reality of this harm usually passes very quickly and so do your emotions.   However, your imagination may take over and create worse scenarios.  You begin to consider that you or someone in your car might be hurt or killed. You might recall similar events from your past, project those into your mind, and add more emotion.  After the real physical threat passes your mind still projects scenarios in the imagination. Your emotions then respond to those imagined scenarios.   Even later that day when you replay the event in your mind, your emotions respond to the imagined version. The emotions you create from your imagined scenarios are no longer based on anything real.  Because of the natural response of emotions to what you imagine you can amplify fear and anger to the degree that they become out of control. However, fear and anger are natural consequences of the imagined scenarios. The problem is that the imagined scenarios in the mind are out of control and no longer based on reality.   Awareness   If you are not aware of how your imagination is projecting these scenarios you will blame other people unnecessarily for your emotions.  Understanding how your mind dreams images and scenarios of outcome is critical to understanding your anger and other emotions.   The initial moment of fear and anger resulted from a very real scenario that could have caused you harm.  However, most often the anger and fear people generate are sourced from their uncontrolled beliefs and imagination.   Anger is Rational   Anger is the natural emotional response designed to protect us from danger. It is part of our instinctual system for protection and preservation.  Notice how a dog growls and bares its teeth in response to a threat to its territory.  A mother bear will also go into ferocious anger if you were to come near her cubs.  Anger is a force of energy that we project in order to push away or combat a threat.  However, anger ceases to be a form of protecting your life and becomes a means of destroying your life and relationships when the threat isn't real.   Your emotions respond the same whether a threat is real or part of your imagination. Anger itself is a completely rational emotion to have when you perceive the thoughts and scenarios in your mind. There is nothing irrational or wrong with the anger from imagined scenarios and beliefs. Your emotional response system is working properly. The problem is with the thoughts, beliefs, and scenarios in your mind that generate an anger response.  The scenarios the mind projects are often not rational at all.   Other problems are created when you do not have the awareness and willpower to refrain from outbursts of your anger.  These reactions and consequences often distract us from the root cause of the problem.   It's easy to assume that your anger is the problem because it is what you notice.  It is the outbursts of anger that we see and that cause destruction.  The assumptions and interpretations in the mind are less noticeable amidst this emotional drama.  However, your emotions of anger are just a natural response to what the mind imagines.  If you perceive and believe what the mind imagines you will create emotions as a natural response.   If you accidentally touch a hot stove and burn your hand you will feel pain.  Naturally, you would want to pain to stop, but the pain in your hand isn't the problem.  The pain is just a natural response to touching a hot stove.  The physical touch on the stove is less noticeable, but yet it is the real problem.  Touching the hot stove is the cause of that pain. The pain won't go away until you take your hand away from the hot stove.   The same is true for your emotions such as anger.  You may want to stop your anger, but anger is just a reaction to something else. Anger is the natural emotional reaction to what the mind and imagination are doing.  The way to overcome anger is to change how the mind imagines stories and how much you believe them.  When the mind imagines painful scenarios you naturally produce anger.  To reduce and eliminate the danger it is necessary to shift the stories that the mind imagines.   To effectively reduce or eliminate the anger in our life, we can practice changing the core beliefs, assumptions, and interpretations of the mind.    The Reaction to Emotional Pain   Your mind can generate anger and fear even when there's not a physical threat of pain. Your emotional response mechanism can generate anger just as easily by imagining a scenario involving the threat of emotional pain. When your mind is out of control imagining scenarios of emotional pain, your anger goes out of control. For anger to happen the emotional pain doesn't even have to occur. If you just imagine that you will be hurt in the future, you can become angry before anything has happened.   Understand is the first step towards managing. We can't control what we don't understand.   Looking forward to talking with you more, Jono
(MSW, LICSW, LMHC)
Answered on 10/18/2021

Can you help me

Hi John Doe, Sorry to hear that the people around you are making you feel this way.  I'm glad you reach out for help.   Please do remember that Betterhelp is not meant for emergency situations.  If at any point you have urges or plan to harm yourself or others, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room for help, so that you might not end up doing anything "drastic" that you might regret later.   Since there is not much information for me to decide what causes your anger and frustration, I will just go with scenarios: Scenario 1:  The people around you are treating you poorly and causing you a lot of pain and grief, even though you have not done anything to cause the poor treatment. Scenario 2: You are doing things that the people around you do not approve of, and they keep giving you a hard time for your choices. Scenario 3:  Both the people around you and you are mutually abusive towards each other, and you all are suffering. Depends on the scenario, there will be a slight difference in intervention.  However, one thing that stands out is:  you do not have control over other people.  The only person you have control over is yourself.  You can choose to communicate, compromise and negotiate, if possible, to make it liveable with the people around you.  If this is not possible, then you might have to consider removing yourself from these people by moving away from them, avoiding contact with them, etc.   There are very few situations when people are truly "stuck".  Except for self-defense, there are alternatives to violence towards self or others.  This can include taking some deep breaths and walking away, leaving the people and the situation that causes you distress.   I advise that you will consider the consequences of your action before you act, especially if that action is a violent one.  You can seek mental health treatment for symptoms of depression or other treatable mental illnesses so that you have more mental resilience to deal with life stressors.   I wish you safety and peace. Warm Regards, Man  
Answered on 10/18/2021

I’m quick to snap and start and argument. How can I take a moment to reflect?

Correct me if I am wrong, I wonder if you may have had been the subject of criticism or persons not considering the impact of their actions would have on you in the past and developed a knee-jerk reaction, a reflex of sorts to go into attack mode first.  I would like to suggest starting with controlling your breathing, taking a moment to remove your focus from the present moment, and begin self-regulation from the bottom up. Our emotions are influenced by our body signals, internal body states, and vice versa. Hyperventilation or heavy breathing correlates with stress/anger/ heightened emotional arousal and sends signals or feedback to our brains that we are stress and/or angry. When we regulate our breathing we can change the signals or modify that feedback to our brain to that of calm. You can reduce the intensity of your emotions by practicing mindfulness breathing exercises. Breathing in deeply through your nose as if you are smelling a flower for ten (10) seconds, holding it for five (5) seconds, and releasing you breathe as if you are blowing out a candle. You can repeat this cycle until you notice a reduction in emotional arousal.  A possible strategy may be to implement a technique "Stop, Think and Do" once you feel they are triggered to urge to snap or start an argument. First, "STOP", stop and suspend your response until you had the chance to process what is happening for you at the moment. As you begin to consider what happened for you at that moment, "THINK" about what does this means to/for me. Consider if your understanding of the scenario or perception of intent is congruent with the behavior(s)/action(s). Challenge the validity of the meaning-making. When you move to the "DO" step, do use "I Statements" ( https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/i-statements.pdf) to express how you are feeling in response to what has taken place and begin a dialogue that helps you understand what the intended outcome and explain what your needs are to avoid the miscommunication/ misconception moving forward.  Also, the use of fair fighting rules (https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/fair-fighting-rules.pdf) may be a way to buffet responses when you do find yourself engaged in a disagreement. 
(MS, LPC, NCC)
Answered on 10/18/2021

Why am I exploding at my husband when he asks me simple questions?

Dear Upset Wifey,   Thank you for your question!   I definitely imagine the weight and importance of this topic and how it must be impacting you and your relationship. The following is simply my clinical opinion and may vary depending on the professional you ask!  Anger, fundamentally, is an emotional reaction to something that is "wrong" or "unsafe" or "unjust" around us. This is an important emotion to experience because it's like a "warning bell" and we need warning bells to sense our environment, who is trustworthy/not trustworthy, and what/who needs to be protected in our life. We, as humans, evolved with anger and other emotions. Think about our cavewoman ancestors and what they needed to survive! Without anger, how could they protect themselves or their family? So, that's the evolutionary reason for anger, and all of our emotions have an evolutionary purpose, too. You stated "I feel like he doesn't listen", that can be a very valid reason to feel anger. Not being heard may be equated in our minds to not being significant to another person (whether that is true or not!) Another way to put this is, you need to feel heard, and that need is not being met, thus creating unsafety in the relationship which can result in anger (see the connection between sensing your environment, and needs to be met? One possible reason for the presence of anger shooting off "warning bells") Okay. So, according to my favorite TEDTalk on anger, "Anger Is Your Ally: A Mindful Approach to Anger", feeling angry is our mind's way of telling us that our needs are not being met. Ask yourself: what do I need that I don't have in my relationship, friendships, work life, parenting, etc? This could be an important topic for you to explore. Notice that I did not only ask you about your marriage but others areas of life too. Sometimes, outside issues can creep into marriage/other relationships and manifest as anger! As you can see, my answer is not the answer but rather possibilities and areas for you to explore. Anger is normal! However, it can linger and grow if we are not addressing what it is trying to tell us. Imagine your anger is articles of clothing, and each time you feel angry you stuff it into a suitcase. Well, each time you don't address your anger you do not remove any clothing from the suitcase; you keep adding clothes until finally the suitcase is overflowing and may blow! That is a way to describe what anger can feel like when it is not tended to. Please note that this answer is in no way encouraging you to end a relationship or stay in a relationship, but more so to reflect and explore. Good stuff to focus on in therapy should you choose that way to heal. I hope this helps, be well on your journey!   -Alexandra Blitzer, LPC, NCC
(LPC, NCC)
Answered on 10/18/2021

How do you gain control over your emotions?

Thanks for your question. I would like to offer clarification that you are not toxic, but that your emotional reaction may have been out of proportion to what was warranted in this given circumstance. We want to be careful to separate our emotions from who we are. Our emotions do not define us nor are we defined by our emotions. I think the initial key is in becoming emotionally aware before your emotions reach their peak intensity. There is always a slow progression of feelings before they become unmanageable. We can often prepare ahead to deal with difficult emotions when we know certain situations are triggering, so in the case where we know, we might become activated, develop a plan for managing the situation before the circumstance unfolds. In cases where emotional reactions are unable to be planned for, having a road map to deal with them is helpful. Most often you want to learn to set boundaries with yourself and to take a time out when you are initially activated. You then can take time to reflect upon your feelings, journal, or even engage in activities that are distracting from your emotion. The key is to distract yourself until your emotions become more manageable and controllable. Doing activities to soothe yourself, such as getting a massage, taking a bath, lighting a candle, etc. are great skills to implement to reduce reactivity when initially activated. Once more controllable, you will very infrequently regret your response. It is okay to have an urge to act when emotional, but if you cannot separate urge from action, then it is problematic. Take a deep breath as another strategy to buy time prior to responding. Anything to slow down the response so you can process its implications is key to then provide a response that is not later regretted.  I think the other key is being able to consider the risks and consequences prior to acting. If you can delay a response five minutes, then ten minutes, then longer, that might help you to think through the response and whether it is reliable and trustworthy. Its reliability will be determined based upon how you feel as time progresses about the same issue. Thinking about what you might regret if you take the risk to act now might prevent later regrets. After all, the only moment you have influence over is now. I think there is so much more that can be said about this topic. Remember start by grounding yourself to come up with a response that combines reason with emotion rather than just offering an emotional response. If interested in learning more, I highly recommend Dialectical Behavioral therapy, which is a therapeutic approach that emphasizes distress tolerance and effective emotional regulation to create more meaningful relationships with self and others. 
Answered on 10/18/2021

How do I calm down when I’m feeling like I’ve been wronged, offended, or disrespected?

How does not calming down benefit you?  This is a question that you could ask yourself as you experience anger.  Holding on to anger is not benefiting you.  It is taking your joy and peace away.  You are giving your power away.  I am reading in your question that you understand what healthy coping skills are (taking a walk, meditating, etc...).  I am wondering if you could invite someone on this journey with you as you process your anger.  Seeking professional help could help you look into your triggers and how to avoid them. Discussing your thoughts and feelings and how they are activated beyond control for you.  Seeking a healthy support system can be an encouraging way to handle our frustrations.  Healthy family or friends can be a support as well as a therapist.  In therapy, you would have an environment where you are not alone and you are processing this anger together.  Letting go of little things is not easy but there has to be a place to start.  Maybe not so much letting go but processing the little thing might involve forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean it is excused, it means you are able to understand the benefits of forgiveness so you can be free.  Is your self-esteem attached to your pain?  Trusting yourself that when others wrong us, offend us, or are disrespectful doesn't mean it is about us.  There is usually something going on with them that their insecurities explode.  Re-evaluating the people we choose to hang around with.  Set healthy boundaries.  Communicate your thoughts and feelings.  These things can give you your power back so that you can wake up every day and make the choice to have a good day or not.  No matter who crosses your path you can choose how you react to that.  I am not sure what your space looks like and if it is crowded but you could implement a routine where you find yourself out in nature or a favorite coffee shop reading a good book a couple of times a week.  Take your power back and enjoy the little moments.  Journal your anger, draw your anger, or exercise your anger.  There are many ways to display our feelings.  It can be productive and not harmful.  Deep breaths.   
(M.A., LMFT, M.A., LPCC)
Answered on 10/18/2021

What are ways that I can control my voice/temper when speaking to others?

Anger is a biological response, however, when it is felt too frequently it can cause problems or become distressful. It seems this is the point that you are at and feeling that the anger response is happening when it is unwarranted and creating interpersonal issues.  This can happen when we are feeling unresolved with our personal lie and this can come out in emotional dysregulation. When this starts to happen as a reflection of how we are feeling. It can be useful to look at what questions are triggering us or is it every question. If it is every question that is triggering this response, there is internal anger management and emotion regulation that should be addressed. This can be done with personal work but can be best done with a counselor to learn coping skills and be able to process with another individual. Counselors can also work with clients to develop communication styles that may address ways that we interpret, process, and communicate our feelings and the feelings of others. When doing self-work for this it is helpful to also evaluate sleep and appetite patterns. When these are irregular it can trigger an anxious, angry, or irritable response. In doing this, it may be helpful to track these patterns and see if positive changes create positive responses.    One way to also track this is by looking at mood patterns and keeping a mood chart. This will help to track moods and see if there is any correlation for when this is happening. I would track how you were feeling prior to the question, what the question was, and how you felt after the response. Sometimes, we are unaware of patterns that are occurring.  Another way to manage anger can be done through personal coping skills such as deep breathing tools. This can be useful in advance to bring a neutral mindset, but also can help at the moment if you need to take a deep breath prior to answering the question. Taking a breath can help us organize our thoughts, bring a moment of clarity, and not feel as reactive at the moment. 
Answered on 10/18/2021

Why I am getting upset for no reason?

Dear Achu,   Thank you for your message and for sharing with me how you've been interacting with yourself, especially how you've been handling unpleasant feelings and emotions. As you said this has also affected your life significantly. Perhaps by addressing how to handle unpleasant emotions in a healthier manner, we can dive into addressing the issues in your life as well?   Often the experience we've had about anxiety (or any strong emotion such as stress/depression) was so terrible (even physically) that our body sort of becomes traumatized by it. We naturally become nervous about these unpleasant feelings because we don't like these sensations and experiences. As a result, we would do everything we can to avoid/fight these anxious feelings, often using numbing techniques such as using substances or distracting ourselves. Yet only to find that the anxiety gets stronger over time because we have never been able to make peace with it.   Therefore rather than trying to "change" / "fight" / "get rid of" these unpleasant sensations, perhaps the best thing that we can do is to make room for these feelings and even sensations while staying on track to do what brings us meaning and fulfillment. Floating without judging / blaming ourselves through the anxiety experience, while focusing on making room for anxiety can be helpful.   Here is a short video put up by the author of the book "The Happiness Trap" which does a good job explaining this concept:   Please take some time to watch this and share your thoughts later :) I also highly recommend picking that book as well to supplement this therapy process.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCp1l16GCXI    We as human beings do not like suffering, therefore often times we would be doing our best to fight it. However just like the analogy of swimming vs floating that we have talked about before, the more we fight it, the faster we sink. While if we can learn to float with these waves, we will realize that we won't sink.   Radical acceptance / Expansion is about accepting life on life's terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical Acceptance is about saying yes to life and all that life brings (including all sorts of emotions such as joy, sadness, peace, and pain), just as it is without forcing our ways into our lives.   Why do we want to accept life as it is? Because anything that we do in life that brings us meaning and fulfillment, always accompanies a wide range of emotions, we can't possibly just choose the ones that we like and fight/avoid those that we don't like. Learning to experience all emotions as they are, is a sign that we are living our lives to the fullest.   To do so we must learn to accept (and make room for) any unpleasant sensations, feelings, or thoughts that we experience.   We don't want to fight it because the more we fight, the stronger they will come back.   We don't want to avoid it either because the more we avoid it, the more we'll be afraid of it.   So the key here is to make room for these sensations, feelings, and thoughts while continuing to do what brings us meaning and fulfillment in life.    Learning to "co-exist" with these feelings will naturally reduce the intensity of them.   Floating is a form of learning to accept these feelings and make room for it.   Let me give you some practical guidelines on what I mean by accepting these feelings and make room for it.   You can look up the "expansion technique" under Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for more information as well.   How to accept our emotions (and make room for them):   OBSERVE. Bring awareness to the feelings in your body.   BREATHE. Take a few deep breaths. Breathe into and around them.   EXPAND. Make room for these feelings. Create some space for them.   ALLOW. Allow them to be there. Make peace with them   Some people find it helpful to silently say to themselves, 'I don't like this feeling, but I have room for it,' or 'It's unpleasant, but I can accept it.'   When you're feeling an unpleasant emotion, the first step is to take a few slow, deep breaths, and quickly scan your body from head to toe.   You will probably notice several uncomfortable sensations. Look for the strongest sensation - the one that bothers you the most. For example, it may be a lump in your throat, or a knot in your stomach, or an ache in your chest.   Focus your attention on that sensation. Observe it curiously, as if you are a friendly scientist, discovering some interesting new phenomenon.   Observe the sensation carefully. Notice where it starts and where it ends. Learn as much about it as you can. If you had to draw a line around the sensation, what would the outline look like? Is it on the surface of the body, or inside you, or both? How far inside you does it go? Where is the sensation most intense? Where is it weakest? How is it different in the center than around the edges? Is there any pulsation, or vibration within it? Is it light or heavy? Moving or still? What is its temperature?   Take a few more deep breaths and let go of the struggle with that sensation. Breathe into it. Imagine your breath flowing in and around it.   Make room for it. Loosen up around it. Allow it to be there. You don't have to like it or want it. Simply let it be.   The idea is to observe the sensation - not to think about it. So when your mind starts commenting on what's happening, just say 'Thanks, mind!' and come back to observing.   You may find this difficult. You may feel a strong urge to fight with it or push it away. If so, just acknowledge this urge, without giving in to it. (Acknowledging is rather like nodding your head in recognition, as if to say 'There you are. I see you.') Once you've acknowledged that urge, bring your attention back to the sensation itself.   Don't try to get rid of the sensation or alter it. If it changes by itself, that's okay. If it doesn't change, that's okay too. Changing or getting rid of it is not the goal.   You may need to focus on this sensation for anything from a few seconds to a few minutes until you completely give up the struggle with it. Be patient. Take as long as you need. You're learning a valuable skill.   Once you've done this, scan your body again and see if there's another strong sensation that's bothering you. If so, repeat the procedure with that one.   You can do this with as many different sensations as you want to. Keep going until you have a sense of no longer struggling with your feelings.   As you do this exercise one of two things will happen: either your feelings will change - or they won't. It doesn't matter either way. This exercise is not about changing your feelings. It's about accepting them.   Looking forward to talking with you more, Jono
(MSW, LICSW, LMHC)
Answered on 10/18/2021

How do I get rid of these feelings?

Dear Roro,   Thank you very much for your message.   I understand that we are going through some fluctuations with our emotions and often it can feel like we are going backward. However, the reality is that the night is always darkest before dawn. The reason you are feeling discouraged is that you are trying to move forward in this healing process, therefore when you do experience any kind of anxiety or depression you begin to doubt yourself in this process.   Meanwhile, as human being, we will always have times when we feel anxious or depressed. That is normal and natural. Just like there are days that it rains, there are also days that the sun shines. This isn't a problem to be fixed.    We will only feel more depressed if we constantly compare ourselves with our old selves in the past that seemed to be happier, while we forget that back then we did not have this much on our plate to worry and we did not experience what we have experienced recently that gave us hurts and pain. Therefore it isn't fair to our current self if we always think about how to go back in time, that isn't possible anyway.   To further recover from feelings of depression and anxiety, we must constantly be thinking about how to develop a healthy, positive interaction with ourselves.   Happy relationships all depend on how happy we are with ourselves. So how happy are we?   If you feel like you're on a constant quest for inner bliss, you might be asking yourself: If there was one secret on how to be happy in your relationship or marriage, workplace, home life and family wouldn't you have learned it by now?   Are you constantly searching, asking people who seem happy, reading articles, and watching videos on how to be happy? If so, you're certainly not alone. Online search engines get millions of people asking this question, and the internet is full of promises that this strategy or that formula will deliver you to a place of lasting happiness. Yet, many miss the main point: they never even touch on the fact that the real key to happiness with others is happiness with yourself.   If you haven't noticed or been here yourself (most of us have), an insecure person's need for constant approval is exhausting. Those who are happy and love themselves don't hang around with that kind of negative energy. Since we can't change other people, lead by example and others will follow in your footsteps, becoming good role models themselves. Here are 5 lessons that I learned (still learning) to find peace within ourselves and enjoy true happiness that does not depend on others.   1. Forgive Yourself   Forgive yourself for anything and everything you think you caused that was bad in your or someone else's life. You can't go back for a do-over, so learn the lesson and move forward, promising to better handle any similar situation that may arise. Now you're freed up to relax more and have greater peace of mind without beating yourself up over guilt and resentment.   2. Understand That You Are Complete   And understand that, "You complete me," was just a cheesy line in a Tom Cruise movie. (I loved that line at first too... for a few seconds, until I realized how inaccurate it was. Keep reading to learn why!) The reason most of us don't feel complete and latched onto that line like it was the end-all-be-all relationship concept is that we're waiting for someone else to be or do something that makes us feel whole.   First of all, as mentioned, we are already complete. But even if we weren't, no one else would be able to complete us anyway - it's impossible. When we put our happiness in someone else's hands we set them up for failure. Why would we do that to someone we care about? Because we don't realize we are the only ones who control our happiness.   Does this mean if you're unhappy it's your fault? Yes. Does this also put you in a position of power in your life? Absolutely. You want your relationships to be the joining of two complete individuals to create a third, larger entity so that you're a part of something, not just half of something. The whole "my other half" thing just breeds insecurity, which leads to the most painful relationship challenges like jealousy, abuse, and infidelity. Why on earth would you want your happiness to be determined by someone or something outside of yourself?   3. Get To Know Yourself   When do you feel you're at your best when you're alone? Are you reading your favorite book overlooking a beautiful view? Enjoying your favorite tea, watching a movie? Shopping outside at the farmers market? Listening to your favorite music? How does your body feel? Healthy? Need some work? No one will be happier than you when your body looks good and functions well. This is a good confidence builder and when you have more confidence, you look better and healthier and carry yourself in a completely different way that attracts confident people to you.   Here's a personal example: I had a spider vein on my lower leg and didn't feel comfortable in shorts for years. I finally had it removed and couldn't believe how much better I felt. My posture and confidence in shorts were much improved. Some things are easily fixable and for the others, we may need to adjust our perspective a bit.   What are your favorite parts of yourself - your appearance, your character traits, your values, or your personality? Do you get a kick out of your great sense of humor? I get a kick out of mine. I laugh to myself quite often! Are you really excited that you value honesty, which has attracted honest, genuine people to you? Are your eyes or hands or knees your favorite part of your body? Get to know your favorite parts and love them all.   4. Take A Good Look At Yourself   Take a look and notice how amazing you are. Keep your self-talk positive. There are things supermodels hate about themselves, so don't go thinking you're the only one who has dislikes. You can be happy with yourself even if there are things you'd like to change. I've always been shorter than most other people and would have given anything to be "normal" height. It took me 27 years of hating my height when many other people always wanted to be taller and would have traded me in an instant. Look how many years I experienced self-induced suffering. (This describes all suffering by the way. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.)   What are you good at, best at, and want to improve at? What are your talents and what skills have you developed? What would you like to do in your life that you haven't done yet? What is the best thing you've ever done? Are you noticing that you might ask some of these questions on a date to get to know someone and determine if you like them or not? We get to know people by asking questions although we rarely ask them of ourselves. And when someone else asks, we sometimes answer differently than when we're asking ourselves.   5. Ask Yourself Questions   To find out more about yourself, ask yourself the questions you would ask on a date. The quality of your relationships is determined by the quality of the questions you ask. Ask good questions and lots of them (more than you would ask on a date; it's OK to be a chatterbox with yourself) to build that strong, healthy relationship with yourself.   Take time away from other people and be happy alone. At first, it might feel weird choosing to be alone but being alone and being lonely are two very different things. Dr. Wayne Dyer says, "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with." I went from being scared to sit alone in Starbucks for fearsome strangers would think I didn't have any friends to loving going places alone. I have attracted wonderful friends by learning how to like myself and since like attracts like (energy), they happily do things on their own too. Yes, we do enjoy each other's company as well; we don't just talk about all the things we did by ourselves (although that would be funny).   Welcome to your inner power. You are qualified, capable, and worthy of being happy with yourself regardless of anyone else on the planet so lead by example and show others how it's done. You will see that you can have much more fulfilling relationships without putting the responsibility of your happiness on someone else.   Looking forward to talking with you more, Jono
(MSW, LICSW, LMHC)
Answered on 10/18/2021

How do I move forward with confidence?

Hello Latonya, Thank you for your question! I imagine there is a mixture of emotions you are experiencing after being pushed out of your position. It sounds like you have been treated very unfairly. Any of those emotions you are feeling are valid and understandable; so if you are fighting them or judging them then please allow yourself to feel them and give yourself the space you need to feel and process all of the emotions that have come up for you.  I'm sorry to hear that your experience has led to you questioning your own abilities and has led to feelings of inadequacy. It sounds like, from the information, you have provided, that your loss of position was a direct result of racism. This is not your fault and is entirely the problem of the board members who forced you out. It really sounds like this racism is affecting your mental health. I encourage you to speak to someone you trust about how you are feeling, like a family member or a friend. Talking about how you feel can often be the first step to getting help and finding support. It might feel difficult to talk about how you are feeling or to revisit personal experiences of racism, but talking about it can help you to process everything you are feeling. You can take your time and only share what you want to. You might also find it helpful to talk to someone of a similar race or ethnicity to you. There are therapists here on BetterHelp that are available to talk if you need someone to reach out to.  I am unsure of what recourse you have, but it might be helpful to learn your rights and how to report abuse. This can help you feel empowered and remind you that what you are experiencing is not okay and no one should believe that it is. However, remember it is not your responsibility to fix racism. Do not put pressure on yourself – this is a problem you cannot solve on your own. The people around you, those board members, have a responsibility to make changes to their behavior. I wish you well! Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to heal. Get help if these feelings persist.
(MSW, LCSW, CADC)
Answered on 10/18/2021

How do i stop extreme roller coaster mood swings?

Hi May,  Thank you for reaching out with this issue. I think a lot of people deal with overthinking at one point or another in their life. It can feel really distressing. When you feel like your emotions are all over the place it can be exhausting and sometimes confusing. I will do my best to provide some feedback and suggestions based on what you wrote in the description.    One thing that I want to compliment you on is that you already see that there is a connection between past experiences and your current mental and emotional struggles. That is a lot farther than many other people get on their own! I don't know what those past experiences are, but my guess is there might be some trauma in your past that needs to be addressed. Many people experience small traumas in childhood, like not being heard or being invalidated by parents or caregivers. These types of traumas are often overlooked because there are no scars or physical disturbances to point to. In this way, emotional and mental abuse and neglect are often more insidious than physical abuse. If you think some of your past experiences may have been traumatic for you, I encourage you to work with a trauma specialist. Trauma is one of the hardest experiences to work through and having someone to help guide you through the process is really helpful for a full recovery.    Another thing I think is important to address is stress management and coping skills. Often times we experience mood swings because we are unbelievably stressed out. Stress can be compounded by unresolved past experiences and current stressors like school, work, or relationships. Even living through the current COVID-19 pandemic is a huge stressor. So I would as you to reflect on how you are coping with the stress. Stress tends to make us feel tired and a lot of people will choose to sit on the couch and watch TV to "decompress." What actually helps is activity and getting outside as much as possible. Some really great ways of managing stress include: exercise, taking a walk, going for a hike, riding a bike, going for a swim, doing yoga, and meditating. There are lots of different ways to meditate, so exploring all the ways can be pretty interesting and you might be surprised by what you find that works for you. Journaling can help you manage overthinking as well. There are also other coping skills that a trained therapist can help you develop, like creating a container for all of your upsetting thoughts that you can't do anything about in the present moment.    I see that anger management is also on your mind. I often find that anger grows as stress grows, so some of those stress management skills can also help you reduce your anger. Anger is another topic that is good to work with a trained therapist on. Often times anger is a secondary emotion, and there are deeper emotions to work on that are really causing the anger. Think about the last time you got angry. Was there anything else going on, like disappointment, fear, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed? Those emotions also have to be addressed.    I hope you have found this answer helpful. And I hope you invest the time and energy into your own emotional growth. I think you can transform your life to bring more balance and positivity with a little bit of help from a professional and a little bit of effort. 
(LMHC, CSAC)
Answered on 10/18/2021

Is there any way you would be able to help me with my situation?

First off...thank you for reaching out for answers to your needs. Second...I am sorry to hear of your tragic loss. Surprisingly, I have learned that anger only stems from two sources. It can come from a sense of indignation, which is provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment, such as a loved one (or oneself) being wronged in some way. Depending on the cause of your friend's accident, you might feel someone wronged them and therefore experience this sense of rage as a result. Otherwise, anger stems from fear or sadness, which are often seen as 'uncomfortable feelings' so anger acts as a defense and 'safer' feeling. In these instances though, it is only a mask and the deeper feelings need to be addressed in order for the anger to subside. Strangely though, anger is often overlooked when considering more serious emotional disorders, such as Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Anger or irritability often mask the deeper pains we are experiencing. Depending on how you are processing your grief, the anger could also stem from 'blocked' emotions due to your traumatic grief experience. Your anger may also stem from your friend's traumatic death or from other unresolved issues. Regardless of the source of your anger, the best way to help yourself process your anger or other masked feelings is to allow yourself space to truly FEEL them, in their rawness and vulnerability. When we can recognize our emotional states, allow them space, and circle back to determine what caused them, we strip them and the negative thoughts associated with them of their power. The American Psychiatrist, William Glasser, developed a great way to help people understand how our thoughts impact our feelings, which impact our actions/behaviors, through a great visual aid. Imagine your favorite front-wheel-drive vehicle. The body of the vehicle is your action/behavior; the front tires are your feelings/emotions; and the steering wheel is your thought (conscious or unconscious; more commonly unconscious). We are often aware of our feelings and behaviors long before we are aware of our underlying thoughts, which have already impacted and determined our feelings and behaviors. Therefore, your anger is not simply anger. It stems from something else, conscious or unconscious. If you can talk to someone to help you discover the source of these feelings, I recommend you utilize the resource. I hope this helps and I wish you the best in your journey of mental wellness.
(MA, MBA, LPC)
Answered on 10/18/2021