It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and I would not be surprised if you were feeling a sense of betrayal over finding out about this. It also sounds like when you try to bring any of this up that your husband gets defensive and you are not able to have a conversation that is productive about it, and perhaps not even honest. I would say you need to ask yourself how you are feeling about this? What would you like to do about it? And definitely have an open conversation with your husband about it as well. I would highly recommend counseling and perhaps even couples counseling so that you can explore more of how you are feeling. It sounds like potentially there has been some sort of rupture in your relationship and that even perhaps he has had or is having an affair. Or at least not having appropriate boundaries with other women on social media when he is about to become a father. Sometimes if you are struggling with how you feel about something, it can be helpful to ask- If a good friend was coming to you with these issues, what kind of advice might you give them? I am going to send over some general communication and conflict resolution tips as well, as well as general information around boundaries as it sounds like that is potentially a trouble spot for you both. Take care.
Relationship Conflict Resolution
Focus on the problem, not the person.When a disagreement turns to personal insults, raised voices, or mocking tones, the conversation is no longer productive. Be careful to focus on the problem without placing blame on your partner. If a disagreement becomes personal, you should pause the conversation.
Use reflective listening.Oftentimes during arguments, we focus on getting our own point across rather than listening to our partner. Before responding to your partner, restate what they have said to you in your own words. Continue this process until your partner agrees that you understand. Next, share your side. Your partner should reflect back your ideas in their own words until they too understand. Using this technique will help both individuals feel listened to and understood, even if you disagree.
Use "I" statements.When sharing a concern, begin your sentence with "I". For example: "I feel hurt when you don't tell me you'll be late". With this sentence format, we show that we are taking responsibility for our own emotion rather than blaming our partner. The alternative sentence—"You never tell me when you're going to be late" - will often cause a partner to become defensive.
Know when to take a time-out.When you and your partner are becoming argumentative, insulting, or aggressive, it's a good idea to take a time-out. Have a plan in place so you or your partner can call for a break when needed. Spend some time doing something alone that you find relaxing. When you've both calmed down, you and your partner can return to solving the problem. Be sure that you do return—it isn't a good idea to leave these issues unaddressed.
Work toward a resolution.Disagreement is a normal part of a relationship. If it becomes clear that you and your partner will not agree, focus on a resolution instead. Try to find a compromise that benefits both individuals. Ask yourself if this disagreement really matters to your relationship, and let yourself move on if not.
What Are Personal Boundaries?
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say "no" to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.
A person who always keeps others at a distance (whether emotionally, physically, or otherwise) is said to have rigid boundaries. Alternatively, someone who tends to get too involved with others has porous boundaries.
Common traits of rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries.
Avoids intimacy and close relationships.
Unlikely to ask for help.
Has few close relationships.
Very protective of personal information.
May seem detached, even with romantic partners.
Keeps others at a distance to avoid the possibility of rejection.
Overshares personal information.
Difficulty saying "no" to the requests of others.
Overinvolved with other's problems.
Dependent on the opinions of others.
Accepting of abuse or disrespect.
Fears rejection if they do not comply with others.
Values own opinions.
Doesn't compromise values for others.
Shares personal information in an appropriate way (does not over or under share).
Knows personal wants and needs, and can communicate them.
Accepting when others say "no" to them.
Most people have a mix of different boundary types. For example, someone could have healthy boundaries at work, porous boundaries in romantic relationships, and a mix of all three types with their family. One size does not fit all!
The appropriateness of boundaries depends heavily on setting. What's appropriate to say when you're out with friends might not be appropriate when you're at work.
Some cultures have very different expectations when it comes to boundaries. For example, in some cultures, it's considered wildly inappropriate to express emotions publicly. In other cultures, emotional expression is encouraged.
Types of Boundaries
Physical boundaries refer to personal space and physical touch. Healthy physical boundaries include an awareness of what's appropriate, and what's not, in various settings and types of relationships (hug, shake hands, or kiss?). Physical boundaries may be violated if someone touches you when you don't want them to, or when they invade your personal space (for example, rummaging through your bedroom).
Intellectual boundaries refer to thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for others' ideas, and an awareness of appropriate discussion (should we talk about the weather or politics?). Intellectual boundaries are violated when someone dismisses or belittles another person's thoughts or ideas.
Emotional boundaries refer to a person's feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries include limitations on when to share, and when not to share, personal information. For example, gradually sharing personal information during the development of a relationship, as opposed to revealing everything to everyone. Emotional boundaries are violated when someone criticizes, belittles, or invalidates another person's feelings.
Sexual boundaries refer to the emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects of sexuality. Healthy sexual boundaries involve mutual understanding and respect of limitations and desires between sexual partners. Sexual boundaries can be violated with unwanted sexual touch, pressure to engage in sexual acts, leering, or sexual comments.
Material boundaries refer to money and possessions. Healthy material boundaries involve setting limits on what you will share, and with whom. For example, it may be appropriate to lend a car to a family member, but probably not to someone you met this morning. Material boundaries are violated when someone steals or damages another person's possessions, or when they pressure them to give or lend them their possessions.
Time boundaries refer to how a person uses their time. To have healthy time boundaries, a person must set aside enough time for various facets of their lives such as work, relationships, and hobbies. Time boundaries are violated when another person demands too much of another's time.