Ask a therapist > Relationships > Do you have therapists with extended knowledge and experience with covert narcissism?

Do you have therapists with extended knowledge and experience with covert narcissism?

I have been with my husband for 33 years, I believe he is a covert narcissist. It has been a very toxic, tiresome, and draining relationship. I have finally just filed for divorce. I have done this at this time because the last of my children has recently moved away. So now I am also dealing with an empty nest, even though I thought I prepared for that. All of my children live far away. In addition, my mother, who I was very close to, passed away over a year ago. At this time, I have a few close friends, but no family in the area. I really need some support and guidance to process and deal with these issues, especially the difficult 33 year relationship and current divorce. Thank you.
Show more
Asked by Mickey
Relationships
Marriage
Answered
01/27/2023

Hello Mickey, thank you so much for reaching out to BetterHelp with your question regarding narcissism and divorce. I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a heavy time. You are navigating divorce after 33 years; you are coping with the loss of a parent; adjusting to your children moving away; and looking to begin a journey of healing from being married to someone whom you consider to have a narcissistic personality disorder. Mickey, that's a lot on your plate. I am so glad you are considering therapy to help you through this difficult time. 

I would imagine that it took a great deal of courage to file for divorce after so many years. I do not know the details (whether or not he knows or has been served papers at this time), so I will offer a few tips and will also highly encourage you to seek a therapist who can be by your side for extra support and guidance during this time.

I don't want to assume that you already have an attorney, but I will encourage you to retain a strong and successful lawyer. If you can find one with experience with narcissists, that is even better. An attorney that is able to easily recognize the manipulation tactics your spouse may try to utilize will be beneficial.

Aside from legal things--

Until court day, be mindful of things you text him or even vent your feelings to MUTUAL friends and family who may still be in contact with your ex. We do not want anything you say or put in writing to be turned against you in court.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Mickey, do not let your ex walk all over you and talk to you however he pleases. I want you to take care of your well-being during this time. If he is a true narcissist, he will try to challenge the boundaries that you set, so try and be as consistent as you can. I know it is tough!

Lastly, prioritizing self-care is going to be oh-so-important during this time. Looking after your mental health is essential! Again, I do not know the details of what this divorce will look like, but in my experience, it has the potential to become a drawn-out process with a lot of heavy emotions. Prioritize uplifting activities like journaling, meditating, spending time in nature, getting enough exercise and sleep, etc. 

Therapy can help a lot with any toxic stress or other negative symptoms you may experience during this time. Your therapist can provide the necessary support for you to feel confident but also help recover from the impacts of being married to someone with NPD for 33 years.

Prepare yourself for a difficult journey, but know that rainbows come after the storm!

(M.A., LPC)