Temperament Answers

How do stop taking my anger out on the person I love the most?

Hi there, Seeing that you have reached out, knowing that it is not the correct response to take things out on loved ones suggests that you are sincere in wanting to change and become a better you. Hurting the person you love the most is not the healthy way to deal with life's stresses. Acknowledging this yourself and expressing that you are unhappy regardless of your achievements suggests there is more going on that may need to be unpacked. Therapy may be the way to do this, by eliciting and promoting healthy responses and change. To answer your question, I would suggest seeking out a counsellor that has an expertise in counselling people with anger and/or stress related issues. If when you have developed this relationship and it's one you feel comfortable in, perhaps look more into what it is that is making you unhappy? As therapists we tend to look at the bigger picture of our clients world and not always just the forefront presenting issue/s. Clients often find that there are many attributing factors in their lives that lead into what it is that brings them to therapy in the first place. I would also perhaps suggest to the person that you are "taking your anger out on." that you are working towards changing yourself for the better and are seeking a way to stop this behaviour. It may also be valuable for yourself to keep that relationship with that individual healthy. Anger is such a complex emotion/response to our environments. It is also an easy one for people to go to when trying to understand the more complex feelings and thoughts that are going on in that moment.  Often the feeling that people feel in moments of "Anger" is frustration. That frustration is often easier for people to respond with than pausing and trying to understand what it is that they are truly feeling or thinking. In counselling, a natural result of a healthy therapeutic relationship is for the client to start to be able to pause, unpack and express what they are truly feeling to loved ones which is the healthy way to deal with these situations. I hope this answer helped. Well done for reaching out.
Answered on 10/26/2022

Why can’t I show emotions anymore towards some things and my thoughts are dark

Hi Lola, Thank you for reaching out with your question of concern. Let me see if I can help you. I will try my best with the little information you provided.When individuals start to feel anger, it is usually because there is pain or hurt hiding behind it.  It is much easier to feel anger than to feel pain or sadness.  It also helps the person feel more in control, but also avoid feeling of sadness, etc. because it can be triggering and lead to depressive feelings and emotions.When we feel anger, it could because we feel something "unjustly" happened to us and needs to be fixed or corrected.  So, with this being said, it would be good for you to examine if you feel someone or something has mistreated you.  If you are having a difficult time getting in touch with your emotions, it would be good to try and center yourself.  You can try doing a self guided meditation, breath work, or journaling to help you focus on yourself and tap into your feelings more.  It would also be good for you to open up to someone you trust so you can vent about what you have been feeling inside. If you are unable to do this on your own, BetterHelp has many licensed therapists that can help you figure this out, sort out your feelings and thoughts, and work through what you are feeling.  You may have a lot of defense mechanisms going on emotionally in order for you to self protect how you are really feeling and experiencing and a licensed profession can help you through many different techniques to sort it out and cope through this time in a healthy and productive way.  The feelings of anger is usually related to a" fight, flight, or freeze" response of the sympathetic nervous system and it seems like that is what is happening to you.  You stuck in this emotion and you are having a hard time really processing it out.I hope this helps and I wish you nothing but the best in this journey of discovering your emotions. 
Answered on 10/22/2022

How can I control my anger? I get angry very quickly and also cool down very quickly

Ask yourself to reflect on your past experiences. Go as far back as childhood. How did your parents or caretakers respond when you made mistakes? Were they loving? Were they gentle? Did they create an atmosphere in which mistakes were seen as learning opportunities? Did they correct you in kindness? What did you need to hear after you made a mistake? What did you hear instead? Was there an expectation of perfection whether implied or expressed outright?  Now let's shift to your young adulthood and adulthood. Do you set impossible expectations for yourself? Do you set impossible expectations for others? Is there an expectation of perfection? What role does perfectionism play in your life? Do you feel that's sustainable? Remind yourself that you will never be perfect and neither will anyone you encounter. Put down that façade. You are a human "being" not a human "doing". You are valuable based on the simple fact that you are human and not based on the value your actions can add to society. Treat others with the kindness that stems from looking at them through that same lens: they are also people who are valuable simply because they are human too.  Instead of thinking of this as difficult, think of it as different. It will be different than how you're used to treating others, but with time and practice you will have kindness, grace, and compassion ingrained in you.  Next, remind yourself that although anger can feel powerful at times, it actually leaves you vulnerable. It means that another person is controlling your actions rather than you being in control of your emotions. You are then vulnerable to them taking you on an emotional roller coaster. Being reactionary isn't useful here. Next, identify what is underlying your anger. Anger is like an iceberg - in the surface everyone can see that a person is angry but underneath that anger is a sea of emotions. What is the need that underlies your anger? Are you angry because you're frustrated? Are you angry because you feel disrespected? Are you angry because you are hungry? Are you angry because you are tired? Are you angry because you feel overwhelmed? Are you angry because you feel anxious?  Anger can have many underlying emotions. This is why it's important to get to the root of your anger. Someone else who is in your shoes may not make the same choices you make even though they feel the same emotion. So they may not be able to relate to the choices, but they can relate to the emotion. Express your emotions by being assertive. Remember that you can be assertive and polite. You don't have to be rude in communicating your needs. Remember that anger is simply a need that has gone unmet, so find what you need. Tell the person that you feel (emotion word) when they do (action here) and what you would like them to do (action here) instead. Figure out the unmet need. Take deep breaths. Take a break from the conversation. Express yourself politely while setting healthy boundaries. Follow this pattern and you're likely to succeed. 
Answered on 10/19/2022

How can I learn better coping skills to manage my emotions?

Hello. I am sorry that you are having a hard time with managing your emotions but I am glad that you are reaching out for help and suggestions. My name is Bertha Mendoza-Rivera and I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Congratulations on taking a great first step by asking this question. I feel that there is no wrong answer to your question but instead many different ways to manage ones emotions and our reactions to situations depending on the situation and what the emotions are (anger vs sadness). Learning different coping skills can help you tolerate, minimize and deal with stressful situations and also help you feel better not just emotionally but also physically. One thing that I have found to be helpful is changing the way you respond to or think about a certain situation or problem. For example, reframing it and looking at the situation from another perspective. This gives you a chance to look at the whole picture instead of staying focused on one detail. Taking time for yourself is also a great opportunity to really think about everything without interruption. Have you tried deep breathing? Often when facing a difficult situation or stressor, deep breathing can really help you refocus. I have also heard great things about meditation as it can produce a deep state of relaxation and a calm mind. Journaling is also a great way to cope with certain stressors and sort through different emotions. Talking about these difficulties with your partner can also be beneficial and you can work together to better understand each other. One thing that I never recommend is to avoid your problems or bottle up your feelings because they will not go away if you avoid them and they can possibly get worse.  It does not appear that it is something that you are doing, which is great. I feel that therapy would be a great way to explore the suggestions I have listed and many more coping skills that we can come up with together. I would be happy to speak with you. Please feel free to click on my profile and check out my availability to schedule a session. 
Answered on 07/15/2022

How do I stop letting my emotions go uncontrolled?

Yoni, Hello, it is very nice to meet you! Thank you for taking the time to write your question, I hope that you will find this helpful. If you and I were working together in therapy, I would want to know more about this difficulty you have with controlling and managing your emotions and feelings. Additionally, there may be background issues for you - childhood issues, history of of difficulty managing emotions, etc.  As difficult as this may sound, you are actually the only one who can control your emotions. Think of it this way - thoughts control feelings and feelings control actions and behaviors. Start small, when you feel yourself getting upset, identify the physical sensations you are experiencing - headache, gritting teeth, eyes tearing up, ears ringing, chest feels tight, heart rate increasing, stomach hurts, etc. Ask yourself what is causing the feelings, what is going on. Then, ask yourself what you have control over. For example, you have control over yourself, your words, your actions, and nothing else. We can not control other people or other situations. Once you establish that it is something you have no control over, allow yourself to let it go. With your relationship, I would want to know more about what happens with your partner when you get upset, how do you react and respond? Thinking about it, how could you respond differently?  Some strategies that you may find helpful include, when you get upset, give yourself permission to take a break, step outside, go take a walk, do something that is relaxing for you. Talk to him when you are upset. Tell him what is bothering you, identify the feelings that you are experiencing.  When you are upset, focus on using "I statements". What I mean by that is, do not go to him and say, "you did this, you did that" etc. Own the feelings you are having and say, "I feel upset when xxx happens, I am upset because xxx"  You might also find it very helpful to speak with a therapist to help you further identify and develop coping strategies. I hope that you have found this information helpful and I wish you all the best moving forward in your journey. 
Answered on 07/10/2022

Why do I get easily irritated and rudely snap at people? How can I stop myself from doing so?

Hello Andy, Thank you for reaching out. As I'm sure you can appreciate, this would likely be better answered upon further exploration in session. However if i may i'll try to offer insight for what you have already highlighted and you can see if it feels right for you. Lets start with the question itself.........I would ask what happens for you when you respond to people in a short manner and snap at them? do you get any physical sensations? any thoughts? feelings? emotions? If yes to any of these, then this would be a good indicator as to what might be happening for you and the possible reasons behind why you might respond in this way towards interactions with other. If you're not sure what happens for you a good way in which you can identify this is by journaling. Journaling does not have to be a complicated thing or even an everyday thing. Simply whenever you feel you have something to write. It equally does not have to be a novel it can be a few words. If you're focusing purely on what happens for you around interactions with others maybe restrict yourself to only journalling around such interactions. However journalling in a wider context could offer insight to what might be happening for you during the day. For example if something has happened in the day that has annoyed you and then you respond to others by projecting this annoyance on them, it's possible that might offer insight as to the why. But you can journal in either way. How journalling helps............its two fold, in that one it helps us get thoughts feelings emotions out of our head and down on paper so that we can respond not in the moment with a flash of anger etc but with a mindful view. Second, it teaches us to really look at and engage with our process (how we function in thoughts feelings emotions), to look at what is happening for us, which offers insight that we may otherwise not realize or be aware of. Now for the wider context of your question..............it could be and only you will know here, that your anger response to other could be a learned behavior on account of your Dad. What do I mean by this? Well simply that when we see our parents act in certain ways or do certain things and we are growing and developing, we take these things on board and we mimic them and respond in the same way in similar situations. However while we are growing and developing we lack the wider context as to why our parents might have anger issues, i.e. is it in certain situations with certain people or is it with everyone. Also the reasons behind those anger issues, unless they tell us why they are angry, we cannot know for sure, so we might see this as a behavior that they do, take it on board as a typical way in which we should respond too but then because we are not aware of why they were angry we simply apply it to every one of our interactions with others. The latter half of your question speaks to parents not being around, this could be a case for you as an attachment issue in development. Which may explain how you might interact with others now, but this would require further exploration to see if it is applicable. As to how to stop this undesired behavior, the importance of therapy here cannot be underestimated in order to explore exactly what is behind the anger response for you. It should be noted that anger might be the displayed emotion but under anger there are many more feelings and emotions that it be discovered which of these might be at play, can again identify why you might be responding with anger. Think of it like an iceberg with anger on top and the other emotions beneath the sea level. In terms of practical things you could try to try to respond differently in the mean time, mindfulness practice may offer some respite from anger responses. Hope this helps, Thanks, Kai
(BA, (Hons), Integrative, Counsellor)
Answered on 06/24/2022

How do I get over the anger I have to someone who used to treat mẹ badly?

Hello, Thank you for your question. My name is Radka Kozielova. I work for BetterHelp as a therapist, I am very passionate and committed to my role in helping others. If you would like to know more about me please click on my name on this page Firstly you have done the hardest part by getting away and cutting all contact with this person. You know in your heart the mental abuse was wrong. Nobody deserves that. This person that put you through this is the one with the issues, if you were a child when this happened, report them; make sure nobody else suffers at this person hands. Now let's think about you, you will never forgive this person or forget the mental torture this person has put you through but you can learn to move on from it. People that abuse others no matter whether it is physical, mental or sexual abuse are weak; they abuse other’s for their own satisfaction. They want to belittle others to feel strong themselves. Write down exactly how this person has made you feel don’t hold back, put pen to paper and release all those feelings you have kept inside for so long. Decide then if you want to send that letter to that person or if you want to put it in a drawer and anytime you feel angry add to it. Just remember you are a good person. You did not deserve any of this mental abuse and you are far better than the abuser. Always remember you are better and stronger than they will ever be. You have recognized that this was abuse and you have got away from them. Look around you. Look at all you have achieved in life and embrace how that makes you feel, hang on to those good positive energies, release the anger you hold for the person that mentally abused you. Do not stay trapped in what they have said. Like I said earlier: embrace all the good in your life and keep moving forward. If you feel I could help you on this journey to find self love, please don’t hesitate to contact me. Radka 
(Counsellor)
Answered on 06/18/2022

What are some good ways to manage anger throughout the day?

Hello and thank you for posting your question in this forum. This is a rather difficult and complex concern but we will attempt to help you deconstruct it as much as possible. You have asked about anger management techniques you can use throughout the day to help you work through anger. It’s important to first understand what anger is and from where it normally arises. Anger is considered to be a ‘masking emotion’ in that it masks some other feeling, which is its true root. Often we feel very negatively about a situation, we are sad, we are experiencing grief, etc. And these feelings are too difficult to confront with real motivation. So we then turn to anger which is like an emotional shortcut and keeps us from dealing with the root of the problem. The main way to overcome this is to face the core of what is really making you angry. Again, keep in mind that it is a masking emotion. So we might ask: what is it masking? Are you dissatisfied? Are you feeling sadness over something? Reflect on that at length as that is the thing which needs to be confronted and addressed. If you are successful in doing that you will end up at a place of acceptance for the issue where you are struggling. This is the ultimate way to cool your anger as it will address what you’re experiencing with some finality. Essentially, acceptance is the place where we try to get most people struggling with anger management issues. It’s not so much about in the moment coping strategies as it is about being able to fully accept whatever is making you angry. All that being said, in the moment strategies for anger management can have their use in helping you to pass over a difficult moment. One such strategy is to count to 10, slowly, while breathing mindfully. In fact, breathing or taking deep breaths can generally be helpful when confronting your own anger. However, the best strategy in such a situation is removing yourself from the stimulus or the situation. Removing yourself from whatever might be making you angry is an important measure in helping to control your anger. Sometimes when we become angry in a situation we stop hearing what others are saying and we enter a sort of flight or fight response. The parasympathetic system takes over and we can no longer hear what others are saying and often we cannot act logically. In that situation our anger response will dominate, however, we may regret what we do in such a state of mind. So the best thing is to try to not end up in that mental space. And you would accomplish that by being sensitive to how your body is responding and being able to perceive that you are becoming angry. Then taking steps to separate yourself from that situation, as much as possible. Hopefully some of these suggestions will be helpful to you as you seek to manage your anger response. Thank you again for posting your question in this forum. I wish you good luck in the future as well as good physical and mental health. 
Answered on 05/29/2022

What’s some tips on controlling your anger in a relationship

Hello Money,  I am sorry to hear that you feel angry and can contain your anger past a certain point. Relationships will do that to some people. My first advice is to diffuse your anger rapidly rather than let it build up.   Do you have an oversized fit of anger? Here are some tips to bring it back down: Isolate yourself; Squeeze a pillow, an anti-stress ball, or a soft toy...; Breathe slowly and deeply for several minutes to relax and slow your heart rate ; Listen to soothing and relaxing music; If you have a dog, go a walk with him; Move: walk, run, jump, do push-ups...; Verbalize your anger, trying not to hurt anyone. If you waited too long and you are about to explode: To prevent or cut short the escalation of verbal abuse, leave the room. No matter the situation, whether you are in a private or public space, it's better to look weird by going away for a few minutes than to completely lose control of your nerves. Once you have successfully isolated yourself, call a friend and empty your bag, or count slowly until your breathing returns to a normal rhythm. The pressure decreases with the passing minutes, and then you can come back to attack. The situation may not have changed, but you will be able to control your emotions much better than if you had stayed in the same room.   To avoid finding yourself in this kind of situation again, take a few minutes to think about what is making you angry. What are your triggers? Are you overwhelmed and can't process the information? Do you have an ongoing conflict? Are the time constraints stressing you out? Figuring out where the exact problem is can help you anticipate the anger and possibly find a solution. Reformulate your thinking instead of thinking about what you could have done differently instead of what your girlfriend could have done differently because you can't control how she acts or reacts. Remember the positive sides that brought you together and try to avoid dwelling on the negative. Things don't always go the way you want them to, but you can deal with them by focusing on the positive.    On the contrary, endlessly repressed anger is not an ideal to be sought either. By not acknowledging anger, you do not allow yourself to process it. If you don't, the suppressed anger becomes suffocating and toxic: it paralyzes your capacity for expression and removes your ability to defend yourself and your territory. It can lead you to develop an anxious behavior, feeling devalued through the feelings of helplessness and self-destruction (addiction, food compulsions). Finally, suppressed anger constantly threatens to erupt in disproportionate and dangerous ways.   Getting angry can make you feel bad, cause you to react without thinking, forget about risks, and cause you to engage in self-destructive behaviors. This is why anger is often so severely perceived and hidden by those who feel it. But like all emotions, the offense has its purposes, which can be put to good use. You may have heard the words turning anger into positive energy before. This doesn't mean you have to stifle your emotion but rather draw motivation. Anger can move you toward your goals and help you deal with problems and obstacles, and it also provides the strength necessary to defend yourself. Anger indicates the presence of a situation that you should deal with. Its most common trigger is frustration. It's a natural reaction when you feel wronged by another person, and it's your way of communicating that feeling of injustice. There always comes a time when your partner makes you angry as a couple and hiding this feeling prevents you from realizing that her behavior bothers you. While expressing this anger, when it is not used to vent, can help find a solution and strengthen the relationship.   Often those who act out of anger regret what they said or did. Although this emotion often precedes physical violence, it can also be a means of reducing it. Anger isn't easy to redirect, but giving yourself a break relieves the pressure. If you're angry or someone is mad at you, don't ignore that anger. Take a walk for a few minutes, identify and examine the problem, and think of a solution that you can calmly explain.   Staying healthy and moving your body regularly helps you stay active and develop your physical and mental abilities.     Finally, I would like to encourage you to seek couple's counseling so that you might improve your communication. Every couple will experience issues, and having a trained psychotherapist as a third party to assist you in addressing these conflicts will undoubtedly help you.  Also, I am very fond of the work of Deborah Tannen. She has written several books on communication. I recommend that you read "You just don't understand: Men and women in conversation."   I wish you a great day. 
Answered on 05/13/2022

Can you teach me some different ways to control anger and how to show more affection?

Hi Crock,   Thank you for reaching out during this difficult time while you are struggling.  I am glad you have the ability to advocate for yourself and the insight to see your behavior towards others needs to change.  I do not know what you mean by abusive at times, I do not want to see anything escalate to the point of destroying people or relationships or even having legal issues come about.   There are anger support groups both on line and in person if that is something you are interested in.  I do not think you are at this point, but there are court mandated groups if things have gone that route.  If not, either individual and/or group treatment may be beneficial to you for several reasons.  I can also provide some other thoughts that I am hoping may resonate with you.   You mentioned wanting to change your behaviors and your words towards others.  You mentioned wanting to think positively.  There is something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, otherwise known as CBT, that I would like to share with you. The basis of CBT is called a behavior chain. A behavior chain is most easily explained by saying the thoughts we have everyday in our head (we all do this, it does not make us crazy) lead to feelings or emotions and the combination of the two lead to our actions or behaviors. We have approximately 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day so most often, we not aware of many of the thoughts that fly through our brain. While you may or may not be aware of it, there are one or several thoughts that you are having before you start to feel any emotion. Those negative or unhealthy thoughts are leading to what I call uncomfortable feelings.  I say uncomfortable because I do not believe feelings are right or wrong, we as humans would rather experience certain ones over others. One example of how it works could be, "That person has wronged me and is bad," which could lead to a feeling of anger (or something else, potentially disappointment) and then the behavior could be yelling or saying something nasty to the other person.  It can also be a cycle that every time you have a thought similar to the example I provided, the uncomfortable feelings get more intense. I call them uncomfortable feelings because I believe feelings are not right or wrong, they just are and they are yours. No one should judge them or tell you what you should be feeling. Every time a person has an unhealthy or negative thought, they re-enforce it to themselves and connect their neurons in the brain. Every time that unhealthy thought passes through the brain, the path connecting those neurons is dug deeper and deeper, hence sometimes getting ourselves into a vicious cycle. What I would like to see for you, is to replace those unhealthy thoughts with some thoughts that are healthier and more positive and dig a new path and connect the neurons in a different way. It does not happen overnight, it takes time, energy and effort.   I would also encourage you to look at the facts of the situation. What ever the thought is that you are having, is there any evidence to support it? Identifying your thoughts and changing them is one way to think positive.  In using the example above, has the person really wronged you or do you disagree with what they said or believe or their approach to the situation?   There is also the concept of the Anger Iceberg.  This says that anger is like an iceberg--only 10% is visible and the remainder is not visible.  Using this concept, people see our anger and our behaviors, we do not show them the other feelings or emotions we are experiencing.  Most people would rather feel anger than disappointment, betrayal, depression, jealousy, etc.  For example, if a husband cheats on a wife, the wife may rather feel the anger than the other emotions because the anger fuels her.  However, the more she focuses on the anger, it becomes more intense (like explained above).  Are there other emotions other than anger you are feeling in this interactions but anger is the one that is predominately coming through?   There is also something called the Circle of Control.  If you were to draw a circle and write everything inside of your control inside the circle and everything outside of your control outside of the circle, what would fall where?  Your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviors falls inside and other people's thoughts, feelings and behaviors falls outside.  Focus your time and energy on what you can control.  You get to control your responses and your actions towards.   I hope this was helpful to you and I wish you the best in your journey moving forward. Best, Erica
(LISW-CP, LCSW-C, LCSW)
Answered on 05/11/2022

How do you gain control over your emotions?

Thanks for your question. I would like to offer clarification that you are not toxic, but that your emotional reaction may have been out of proportion to what was warranted in this given circumstance. We want to be careful to separate our emotions from who we are. Our emotions do not define us nor are we defined by our emotions. I think the initial key is in becoming emotionally aware before your emotions reach their peak intensity. There is always a slow progression of feelings before they become unmanageable. We can often prepare ahead to deal with difficult emotions when we know certain situations are triggering, so in the case where we know, we might become activated, develop a plan for managing the situation before the circumstance unfolds. In cases where emotional reactions are unable to be planned for, having a road map to deal with them is helpful. Most often you want to learn to set boundaries with yourself and to take a time out when you are initially activated. You then can take time to reflect upon your feelings, journal, or even engage in activities that are distracting from your emotion. The key is to distract yourself until your emotions become more manageable and controllable. Doing activities to soothe yourself, such as getting a massage, taking a bath, lighting a candle, etc. are great skills to implement to reduce reactivity when initially activated. Once more controllable, you will very infrequently regret your response. It is okay to have an urge to act when emotional, but if you cannot separate urge from action, then it is problematic. Take a deep breath as another strategy to buy time prior to responding. Anything to slow down the response so you can process its implications is key to then provide a response that is not later regretted.  I think the other key is being able to consider the risks and consequences prior to acting. If you can delay a response five minutes, then ten minutes, then longer, that might help you to think through the response and whether it is reliable and trustworthy. Its reliability will be determined based upon how you feel as time progresses about the same issue. Thinking about what you might regret if you take the risk to act now might prevent later regrets. After all, the only moment you have influence over is now. I think there is so much more that can be said about this topic. Remember start by grounding yourself to come up with a response that combines reason with emotion rather than just offering an emotional response. If interested in learning more, I highly recommend Dialectical Behavioral therapy, which is a therapeutic approach that emphasizes distress tolerance and effective emotional regulation to create more meaningful relationships with self and others. 
(PsyD, LP)
Answered on 08/23/2021

How do I transition from sahm to working and get my husband to help more

It sounds like there are a lot of questions within your question.  Hopefully, marriage is a team, and both members are working together.  It's very difficult to "get someone" to really do anything.  In a positive situation, having a partner buy into why you need help, how it benefits the family and the home as a whole are useful.  Having goals for your family, even if your husband tends to take more of the lead can also be helpful.  If he sees how helping out will help your family reach the goals you both set and desire that may encourage him. Without having any details of your situation, it's hard to give a specific answer.  I would be interested to know why you went back to school?  Why did you seek employment.  You stated that he is "always angry and yelling at you and the kids" and that working and going to school it hasn't improved.  Did he want you to go back to school or was that a mutial choice, was he supportive of your plans to go back to work? I know from personal experience the transition from a SAHM to a mom employed outside the home is diffiuclt.  Physically, emotionally, spriritualy hard work.  I only had two children, and it was very difficult for me initially.  There were changes in my friendschips, fears for my relationship with my kids, many issues (and they all worked out fine, some even better).   Wuuld your husband be willing to consider therapy for these issues?  If not, you can still work on your issues in therapy and effect positive change in your home without him, but sometimes it is helpful to examine why he is so angry?  Is he so angry?  How can you communicate better. Also clearly stating what you need help with and understanding YOU don't need it, the family needs it.  There is a perception in society sometimes that if a father/husband is helping out, he is doing it for the wife/mom as almost a favor.  That's like saying the 2nd baseman did the shortstop a favor by catching a ball.  No, that's how we work together to be successful. I wish I could be more specifically helpful to you but my suggestions are: Come up with specific areas the family needs more support. Depending on the ages of your children is it possible for them to also be of assistance? What are the areas of highest need?  Pick one and honestly discuss with your husband why his support and help are needed.  Not for YOU, but for the family.  
(LMSW, Macro, LMSW, Micro, School, Social, Worker)
Answered on 05/18/2022