Rejection Answers

What do you when you feel like your husband is lying about something simple?

Hello Sunshine, This can be a tricky situation to address. You mention you feel as though he is gaslighting. Why is this? Have there been other, similar situations such as this that have occurred? How frequently is he engaging in these types of behaviors? At times, when the communication pattern becomes strained in a relationship, frustrations and other passive-aggressive behaviors unfortunately become the norm. Before "letting this go" ask yourself "why". For example, "why would my husband lie to me", "why does he think I saw him use the powder". Reflect on the current state of your relationship. Have you been arguing lately, have you become 'distant' from each other, what does 'quality-time' look like in the relationship? Does every interaction with your husband turn into a situation of gaslighting? While there is minimal information included in your question that would provide additional background with regards to the current state of your relationship, I will attempt to offer some guidance here. Most issues in relationships that are not related to some physical/sexual/financial abuse or exploitation are generally a cause of poor communication. Are you and your husband capable of having discussions regarding relationship concerns that do not escalate into arguments or one of you disconnecting and shutting down? If you are still capable of engaging in dialogue, and your relationship is not one fraught with violence, I would highly recommend sitting with your husband and discussing your feelings when he makes claims such as the one you have shared here. As you share your feelings, allow him the opportunity to also share his. You may find that you both are harboring feelings of persecution and ridicule from the other. Once you are both able to openly share and express your feelings, you can then begin to acknowledge one another's feelings and work toward a solution to reduce future communication mishaps. If you find that as you attempt to speak with your husband regarding this situation that he continues to become upset or escalated, then take a break from the conversation. Allow time for him to calm down and reset emotionally and for you to do the same. The key to effective communication is for you both to be heard and not just passively listening waiting for the other to stop talking so that can the other can interject a point.  I hope this helps provide some guidance with your concern. Take care.   Dr. G
(DBh, MS, LMFT)
Answered on 07/26/2022

How do I breakup with my emotionally unstable, autistic fiance ?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult and confusing to be in a relationship with someone that is within the spectrum. If you are ready to make changes in your relationship, and have exhausted all resources to help you both live as a neurodiverse couple, then a break-up might be the most loving thing to do. Closure in any relationship is very difficult. Give yourself as much self-love as possible for getting to this point.  Basically, if you are ready to discuss with him a break-up, speaking to him in a clear and concise manner is the way to go. Try to keep the conversation as "business like" as possible. As always, clear, concise, and strong/fixed boundaries are needed.   A little bit on boundaries--they are very important in a relationship as they express love, love of self and respect for the other person in defining what is healthy and what works towards happiness. Just know that often, without even being aware of it, people come from a place of fear in their relationships and allow themselves to fall into roles which they are uncomfortable with, creating resentment and pain.  If you have persistently set clear and concise boundaries with your ASD partner and have felt as if the energy spent doing so has exhausted your overall emotional functioning, then it might be time to set that final closure and stick with it.  Some responses if he reacts negatively--"I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I really need for you to listen until I'm done speaking" ....again, be clear, concise and very much to the point. Keep the conversation short and continue to set fixed boundaries. You may need to repeat those boundaries several times. Make sure that you plan strategically, especially what to say. You may want to write everything down and practice.  Additionally, make sure to give him enough time to plan for a "serious conversation."  As you are more than likely aware, spur of the moment conversations will not work. Set a good time and place to talk. A time when he is not overstimulated, tired, hungry, or possibly overwhelmed. Remain confident in your decision to leave without giving him any room to keep you dependent on his overall wellbeing. Feel free to reach out if you need any further help and/or care.  I'm a clinical psychologist in private practice that works with neurodiverse couples (ASD, ADHD, BPD).  Make sure that you work on your own self-care and self-esteem. Setting up a good support system with trusted others is key. Wish you the best. Dr. Stella Fernandez
(PsyD, MA, LPC)
Answered on 03/29/2021