How to overcome trauma and accept what has happened?

I always end up getting hurt in a relationship. I don’t set boundaries, even though i know exactly where i went wrong but i am failing to actually accept those things. Lack of self love and insecurities from past experiences are giving me immense anxiety
Asked by Nicky

Hi Nicky,

Thanks for your question and I'm glad that you have reached out for help at this time. Your question as I understand it, is regarding the trauma sustained from the past and coming to a place where you can accept what occurred.

As you mention in your question, overcoming trauma involves coming to a kind of acceptance of what happened. In the case of trauma there is often a stage of denial, where part of us does not accept that harm occurred. We might see this for example in us not describing the event or relationship accurately, in avoiding actually saying what it was, rather using a general term or euphemism. So I think part of acceptance is calling the event or events out for what they were. 


In what you wrote I can see that you're finding explanations for what occurred such as not having adequate boundaries, and have a sense that you know exactly what went wrong. Knowing that though doesn't seem to have enabled you to accept the situation yet, which suggests to me that perhaps you haven't yet gotten to the root of the issue. You mention lack of self-love being a factor, so let's start there:

Each day, look yourself in the mirror, right in the eyes, and tell yourself, out loud ' I love you and I always will'. Do this three times, looking in the mirror. It can be tricky at first, but I believe you will get used to it. It might even get you smiling!

I note also that, past experiences are causing you to feel insecure and anxious, and I'm wondering if that is due to a fear of the same things happening again? If so, know that you are growing as a person and not confined to making similar decisions in the future. I believe you are free to decide and to make your own decisions, and that if you practice self-love you will begin to shield yourself from people or relationships that might harm you. In that way you don't always get hurt in relationships. Of course in any relationship there is ebb and flow, and times when it gets difficult, and it is in how we resolve our differences that helps us heal and move on. By practicing self-love you can also increase the chances of people coming into your life who treat you well.

I hope that this information is helpful for you,

With best wishes