How do I stop letting my emotions go uncontrolled?

I am 20. I got into a relationship with the father of my child at 18. He’s been begging me since day 1 to control my emotions but I get upset and react.
Asked by Yoni


Hello, it is very nice to meet you! Thank you for taking the time to write your question, I hope that you will find this helpful. If you and I were working together in therapy, I would want to know more about this difficulty you have with controlling and managing your emotions and feelings. Additionally, there may be background issues for you - childhood issues, history of of difficulty managing emotions, etc. 

As difficult as this may sound, you are actually the only one who can control your emotions. Think of it this way - thoughts control feelings and feelings control actions and behaviors. Start small, when you feel yourself getting upset, identify the physical sensations you are experiencing - headache, gritting teeth, eyes tearing up, ears ringing, chest feels tight, heart rate increasing, stomach hurts, etc. Ask yourself what is causing the feelings, what is going on. Then, ask yourself what you have control over. For example, you have control over yourself, your words, your actions, and nothing else. We can not control other people or other situations. Once you establish that it is something you have no control over, allow yourself to let it go.

With your relationship, I would want to know more about what happens with your partner when you get upset, how do you react and respond? Thinking about it, how could you respond differently? 

Some strategies that you may find helpful include, when you get upset, give yourself permission to take a break, step outside, go take a walk, do something that is relaxing for you. Talk to him when you are upset. Tell him what is bothering you, identify the feelings that you are experiencing. 

When you are upset, focus on using "I statements". What I mean by that is, do not go to him and say, "you did this, you did that" etc. Own the feelings you are having and say, "I feel upset when xxx happens, I am upset because xxx" 

You might also find it very helpful to speak with a therapist to help you further identify and develop coping strategies. I hope that you have found this information helpful and I wish you all the best moving forward in your journey.