Ask a therapist > Relationships > How can I improve my communication with my partner.

How can I improve my communication with my partner.

My husband and I are going through a very difficult time, to the point we are considering separating. One of the main points of conflict is my lack of willingness/ability to converse. Even the every day mundane things, I seem to bottle up and not feel I can talk about. I get asked all the time "what are you thinking?" and I honestly just freeze with a dozen things running through my head and usually answer with "nothing of importance". I experienced a lot of trauma and my last relationship was with a narcissist, which I know will have impeded my rationale and the way I think. My husband has put in a lot of work and effort to support me and improve my way of thinking, but I still feel like I can't open up without judgement or negativity (my husband has never been like this) but he's still on the negative end of the way my brain process works (or doesn't).
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Asked by Sally
Relationships
Marriage
Answered
01/30/2023

Hi Sally! 

I see some great strengths here! I do see that you are struggling but the strengths are what get us through the struggles! 

The strengths that I am seeing are; you are aware of the issues, you want to make positive changes, you have a supportive husband, you are aware of your thoughts, and that you have an idea of where these thoughts and feelings are coming from. The biggest strength I am seeing is that you want to work on your relationship and you are willing to put in some work to make positive changes in your relationship and your life overall. 

The first suggestion that I have for you is to write your thoughts down throughout the day. Then when your husband asks you this question, say let me get my list! Pick something from the list and see where the conversation takes you. This might feel unnatural at first but it is just good practice at getting your thoughts out! 

Another idea is to give your husband a list of ways to ask this question differently. Maybe he could say things like, "tell me about your day" or "help me to understand why you are thinking/feeling/doing that". These open-ended questions don't really give you the option for a simple response. Ask him to explore your answers a little bit and dig a little deeper into your thoughts, in a kind and respectful way. Again, this might feel unnatural at first but you will build up to being able to express your thoughts as you have them better. 

Relationships are hard. Fear of judgment is hard. Remind yourself that your husband has not done anything that might result in your not trusting him with your feelings. I know that this is not intentional, but it could be seen as you punishing him for the mistakes of others. Allow him to be worthy of your trust and show him that he is. I understand feeling this way due to past relationships and that it is a difficult thing to get past but with some practice, you will. 

I wish you the best! 

-Melissa

(LCSW)