Why can’t i just be happy…
You asked an excellent question. Many people ask themselves that same question when they are trying to make sense of things. It is very normal to wonder why happiness can't be easy. The fact is that there are so many factors that go into happiness, that it is hard to determine where to start. This is especially true when someone is also feeling depression and anxiety.
Not only are you dealing with depression and anxiety, but you are also dealing with other variables, such as conflict, relationships, emotional safety, trust, and the big one, past trauma. You see, trauma alone creates a filter that is used to see the world. Think of it as having a pair of glasses on that distorts reality. Trauma distorts reality because the world, situations, or relationships do not feel safe. So even if someone is acting in a way that seems safe, the trauma lens can distort that and make it seem threatening.
Trauma can be broken down into two categories, "little t" trauma and "big T" trauma. Little "t" traumas are situations that are not life-threatening but are emotionally difficult. The little "t" traumas can range from an embarrassing experience to heartbreak after a breakup. Big "T" traumas are situations that are more intense and may be life-threatening. These are events that are typically life-changing.
What you are describing appears to sound like an environment that does not feel emotionally safe. That is not to say that it is not safe but that it feels emotionally unsafe to you as you feel criticized, blamed, and unimportant. Essentially, your response is one of hypervigilance, caution, and self-protection. You are responding the way your brain is telling you to respond based on the belief that you are not emotionally safe.
Happiness or contentment can be felt when the environment feels safe enough to let your guard down and enjoy the moment. Think of the last time you felt happy or content. How was your environment? How were the people around you?
As you can see, the answer is not simple and each variable adds a different level of complications. When things in your life feel so tangled up and there are many variables to consider, it is beneficial to have a third party that can help you find a clear path to untangle all the variables. We are not meant to do this alone. Find that person that can give you guidance, support, and perspective.