How do I overcome my social anxiety?

Hello Hal,

Thank you for reaching out for support and asking such an important question. There are many different ways to address social anxiety. It might go without saying, but I will say it anyway just in case. A very good way to address this topic is by working with a trained mental health professional. General advice and guidance can be helpful to assist with your understanding and assisting with change. It can also help to point you in the right direction. However, it is not a stand-in for more pointed support based on your own personal struggles and subjective experience. The best support is the kind that takes your unique experiences into account and is tailored for the issues you experience and the ways that you operate. Therefore, I hope that in addition to the information that I will provide here, you also seek out some additional support if you are able.

Social anxiety disorder, or social phobia, is a significant problem that can impact people for a variety of reasons. It is a disorder characterized by overwhelming anxiety, worry, or self-consciousness in ordinary social situations. Of note, one may experience social anxiety as a function of a broader mental health diagnosis. Social anxiety may be present if an individual experiences depression, neurodivergence, or is related to a physical health issue, for example. There is, of course, no substitute for a thorough evaluation to ensure that you are receiving the appropriate level of care based on the origin of your symptoms.

Anxiety is another way of saying fear. Generally, that is fear of the unknown. However, it will be helpful for you to ask what it is that you are afraid of specifically. Why am I afraid to go to the grocery store? What is it that I fear will happen? When we start to be specific about what it is that we fear, we can do two things. One- We can provide support around the thing that is causing fear. For a very simplistic example, imagine I am afraid to go to the park because it may rain and I will get wet. If I acknowledge that fear specifically, I can honor my feelings and validate my concerns about getting wet. To help with that, I can bring an umbrella. I can try for a later time when it's not raining. I can take the opportunity to buy a new raincoat. We begin to open up our options for what might help make us feel better and take care of our fear and our needs. I can then feel better knowing that I have some comfort for my fear. Two- It helps us challenge our anxious or negative thoughts. I am not sure if you are familiar with this idea, but sometimes our brains just do not get it right. When that happens, we have to push them a little and help them along. One way we can do that is by challenging anxious thoughts by putting them on trial. We think about the evidence for and against the thought to make sure we are clearly and logically considering both sides. To stick with the fear of the rain example, I would ask myself what the worst-case scenario would be. I would think about the last time I was wet and what the consequences were. Then I would also think about what the best outcome would be. I would think about the times I might've gotten wet and there were no negative consequences... maybe something even went positively. Once I think about both sides of the argument, this can help me consider what is most logically going to happen. This can help us feel more safe instead of paralyzed by fear that our brain has created. Both option one and option two zoom in on the idea of the fact that we have more agency and control than we give ourselves credit for. However, we are the only ones that can exercise this for ourselves and need to be active about doing so. 

I would encourage you to put yourself out there in order to make friends even though it feels awkward. Make sure you do a check to see if there is something that you can do to comfort yourself. Maybe you don't go to certain environments to meet people because it feels a little bit too scary. But also, make sure you are challenging things that seem too scary to make sure that you are not being held back by fear that is more irrational or illogical.

There is another strategy that we call Socratic questioning that can help you examine thoughts more closely to understand them better. Some of these questions are:

1. Am I basing this thought on facts or feelings?

2. Is this thought black and white, when the reality is more complicated?

3. Could I be misinterpreting the evidence? Am I making assumptions?

4. Am I looking at all the evidence or just what supports my thought?

5. What are the times when I have been in similar situations but did not feel this way?

6. Is there another way I could look at the situation if I chose a different lens?

One of the most freeing things I have learned is that the people who are for me, as in the people who are the best fit for me, will be for me. The people who are not will weed themselves out. It is important to open ourselves up to finding these people because, unfortunately, they will not find us within the confines of our shells. There will be some people in that process who aren't a good fit, and that is okay! Let them move themselves out of the way to make room for the right friends. Maybe you do indeed show up awkwardly into spaces. And, there are plenty of people who do as well that would be happy to call you friend. Someone's rejection of you is largely not about you and what you have to offer. More often than not, they are doing you a favor. 

Anxiety is difficult to overcome, and I commend you for fighting for your mental wellness. Good luck, and be well!