How do you cope with the fear of losing your parents?

Having panic attacks about my parents passing and general fear of death. As I've gotten older I've been more aware of their age and since they turned 60 I frequently worry about them dying. I really don't want to lose them.
Asked by floss
Answered
10/11/2022
Hi Floss,
 
Thank you so much for reaching out and I am so sorry to hear of your struggles with fear of death and losing your parents. 
 
Worry and sadness of loss are normal things to encounter. If someone matters to you, why wouldn’t you be afraid of this loss? It sounds more of a problem that this anxiety is leading to panic attacks. It also sounds as if the frequency of the thoughts around losing your parents is increasing. 
 
The most important thing to know is that this is how you feel, it is your reality, and it is valid. At the moment, working out why you feel this way and how to change it is hard, which is why counselling can help. It might be a number of smaller factors contributing to how you’re feeling, which may also be why it is tricky to work out why you are feeling how you do.
 
It’s not “crazy” to be worried about a perfectly healthy parent passing away. Something to consider here is that if you have experienced unexpected loss in the past, you can be more prone to this type of worry. These fears can also manifest at times of experiencing stress, upset, unhappiness or vulnerability.
 
Although it would be unfair to try to diagnose what is happening from your message, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is another common reason for preoccupation with an unlikely death. People with this disorder spend a lot of time worrying about bad things happening, to the point where it interferes with their day-to-day functions, which is why this may be relevant. If you feel this applies to you, it might be worth considering talking to your GP or referring yourself to therapy.
 
This anxiety that you are experiencing sounds as if it has a hold of you at the moment. There are some ways below that can help to loosen this experience for you. 
 
Firstly, worry is your brain’s way of trying to feel safe and in control. Try to explore the meaning of the thoughts of losing your parents. When our thoughts are future focused, it can also be known as dwelling, it takes us away from the resources we have in the present. It can be helpful to think about the things you can control in each situation. Taking action to control how you respond when you are afraid is a good example of this. You can control how you respond to people and yourself. Counselling can help with this, as certain types of therapy can help empower you to see the choices you do have and why you feel anxious since your panic attacks, too.
 
By focusing on what you can and are able to do, this moves the thought processes away from dwelling, to actively doing. There are situations you cannot control, for example, we cannot control people or, that death may happen. We also cannot control how others respond to us, though in both cases, we can control our emotional and thought responses to them. This can be hard to do and is another example of where therapy can help provide support.
Actively working with how you feel and your emotions is important. How you feel right now is how you feel, it is important you work to avoid suppressing or avoiding this, which will only increase your belief that you cannot handle loss in the future. Even if the situation is not one you can control, you can still work with your emotions to address how it makes you feel. This can reduce the anxious and stressful feelings. There are certain types of therapy that can help with fear of death, too.
 
It is not uncommon to adopt behaviours to try to cope with feeling uncomfortable. As well as overthinking, it might be that you need constant reassurance, or even avoid situations. However, these strategies do not prevent the unknown from happening. Reality often lies on a spectrum- it is neither very good nor horrible all the time. So, as you actively challenge your horrible conclusions, consider what is most likely to happen, as well as the good or bad.
 
Challenging these behaviours may help reduce the need to dwell. Each time you are faced with a thought of death, consider what the advantages of not knowing are as well as the disadvantages. Not all future outcomes are bad, but perhaps it doesn’t feel like that right now? Learning to sit with uncertainty helps being able to respond to what is happening in front of you, adapt and overcome the challenge. For example, what could you do with your parents in the next 5, 10, 15, etc. years to feel like your relationship is fulfilling and rewarding?
 
Sometimes, our thoughts convince us that certainty gives us control in a situation, but what does certainty really bring? No matter how certain we feel about something, it can always change. So, craving certainty and feeling as if horrible conclusions are inevitable, does not make it certain, but it does leave you feeling anxious.
 
Within this, try to consider what your need is to reason your thoughts? Do you think something bad will happen? Or does it mean something bad will happen because you think it will? Even if something bad does happen, does that mean you won’t be able to cope with it? It might not sound easy but try not to underestimate yourself. You do have the resources to cope with your thoughts and events that may happen in the future. What would it be like to ask a friend or family member how they cope with fear of dying? Likewise, if it were a friend struggling with worrying about death, what would you say to them?
 
It can also be helpful to notice when your fear or anxiety around death starts and the need for certainty begins. The physical signs, the things you notice in your body, tell you when thoughts are becoming irrational. Sickness, tension in muscles and headaches can be a time to notice what action you may need to help alleviate how you are feeling. It is important to allow yourself to feel the effects of your thoughts and work through them. It may feel uncomfortable, and it will pass eventually. It can be helpful to think of ways to find it believable that the discomfort will pass, too.
Focusing on the present, what is going on around you, will help you feel and experience what is happening in the present, rather than your thoughts about the future. Staying present, or grounding, is a group of techniques that can be learnt either through counselling or, internet tutorials can also help with this.
 
Do not be afraid to seek help with this as you explore it further. Be kind to yourself and listen to your needs as you are getting to know these aspects of yourself that help you heal.
(MA, Counselling, Cognitive, Behaviour, Therapy, Level, 5, PGDIP, Integrative, Counselling)