Ask a therapist > Anxiety > I find it difficult to express my hurt when I’ve been wronged. I find it difficult stand up for me.

I find it difficult to express my hurt when I’ve been wronged. I find it difficult stand up for me.

I’m scared of confrontation or voicing out my unhappiness on a situation. I don't know how to address bad situations. It gets to the point where I feel like it’s probably not that bad and I could be over-dramatizing the situation. I agree to everything other people say and I never have an opinion. I work in the communication field and I am so scared of taking on more work engagements because I feel like I don’t know anything about the role I’m in. Mind you I am a year into it.

To make things worse, there has been word around the office that I am doing a bad job however when I speak to my boss he doesn’t reckon so. I now don’t even trust what my boss is saying, maybe he is trying to help me feel better lol. We fortunately have a work from home option and I think I may be taking too much advantage of it. I hardly ever go to the office. In fact I dread even the thought of it.

I know that I have my own issues with feeling inadequate and afraid to speak up but I also think the work environment has made it more challenging to deal with the problems I have.

What can I do?
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Asked by Dee
Anxiety
Careers
Answered
11/09/2022

Hi Dee, 

There are many reasons one can feel insecure or anxious about speaking up and also about how others view us.  One year at a job is actually not that long by the way, but I do hear you that you say you really do not feel comfortable setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself.

You describe yourself as being conflict-avoidant so I am thinking it sounds like you are having trouble setting boundaries.  People can have trouble setting boundaries for various reasons, including how they were raised, etc.  If your boundaries were violated as a kid, for example, you might have trouble knowing how to maintain appropriate boundaries as an adult.  This can include asking for what you need and approprately saying no to requests that are not in your job description, for example.

You ask what can you do.  Let's do some "fact checking".  What evidence do you have that there is word around the office that you are doing a bad job?  Please notice how you tend to focus on that vs. the fact that your BOSS (probably way more important) is telling you he or she does not think so.  You even consider that he or she is isn't telling you the truth to make you feel better, but I think this is probably doubtful because most bosses care much more about the job you do vs preserving your feelings.  Of course we hope they care about your feelings but why would he or she be essentially telling you not to worry if you were not a valued employee?  Also, if you are able to utilize the work from home option then I agree this is fortunate for now and let's do another fact check: are you sure you misuse it?  I am reminding you to focus on the positive feedback you are getting and not only the perceived negative.  This is not to minimize your feelings at all; I get that you care a lot about your job and work relationships a lot while at the same time learning how to speak up for yourself and your needs. 

So hang in there, take deep breaths, and notice how you talk to yourself.  We as humans can often be our "own worst enemy" and it's always good to be aware of negative self talk, and then work on changing this.  Be gentle with yourself; it actually sounds like you are doing great at your job!