I find it very difficult to speak up. How to overcome the barrier between my thoughts and tongue?

Hello,

I can understand where your reluctance to "speak up might come from.  If you grew up in an environment where you were criticized for how you sound and what you you say, you would be more inclined to develop what we call a "critical inner parent."  There is work to be done one your own and/or in therapy to challenge that "critical inner parent" and sort of divorce yourself from it while giving you own voice more power and being true to yourself.

One of the issues with not saying what you really want is that being passive instead of assertive in your communication can lead to a host of problems.  1.  You stuff your feelings instead of speaking up and it can turn into depression. 2. People trample your boundaries because you don't say "that's not okay with me" or "don't treat me like that."  3. You bite your tongue so much that, eventually, you may be prone to snap on people when it all gets to the boiling point.  Hence, I suggest doing experiments where you do push through the discomfort, knowing that all 3 of the thinks I mentioned above are risks of not speaking up.

I think it's a good idea to identify "who are the safest people for me to start speaking up with?"  Maybe that's some of your friends and less judgmental and critical people.  Maybe also start small with your parents and then work your way into being more assertive versus passive in your communication.  Once you get more positive feedback and see that speaking up does not equal what you think it does, you may slowly increase your confidence and ability to speak your mind.  Cognitive behavior therapy may help in that it may address some of the dysfunctional thoughts you have surrounding "What will happen if I say what I really feel?"  Some of the dysfunctional thoughts might be things like "People will yell at me"; "Nobody wants to hear what I have to say"; "Nobody cares and nobody will listen", "I will get flustered and then nobody will understand what I'm trying to say", and "I will sound rude if I say what's on my mind."  So in CBT therapy, you'd work to challenge each of these sentiments because none of them are really 100 percent true and some of those assumptions are largely false.  Once you change the dysfunctional thinking behind not speaking your mind, the behavior change and speaking up will follow.

Lastly, I want to share a communication rule/slogan/saying for how to know when to speak up.  I learned this in a 12 step support group but I think it's applicable here.  It's an acronym and it's called  THINK.  When addressing if something is working speaking up about - consider:  Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind.  Now granted, if your rights are being trampled on, you may need to speak up in ways that don't sound super kind, but that's where NECESSSARY takes over.  So you can use the above method to say things in the way that is probably going to get your point across in the best ways.  Lastly, I suggest using another mantra/saying I go by which is "say what you mean but don't say it mean."  There are so many ways of getting your point across and speaking up without sounding or being aggressive and it just takes practice.  Start slow and give your voice more power. 

Remember, you do owe it to yourself to be true to yourself.  Your voice is valid.  You deserve to be heard and your needs are as important as anyone else's.  Lastly, nobody can advocate for you better than you can for yourself, so best of luck and do you best!

Hope this helps,

Mark