I have anxious attachment style in all my relationships how can I start to fix it?

When my Boyfriend doesn't respond to messages or doesn't FaceTime me I assume he is mad and I am a very affectionate person as my love language and he understands. I still feel like i'm bothering him how can I stop my anxious attachment style.
Asked by Amelia
Answered
10/23/2022

Hello!  This is an important topic to talk about and I want you to know that you are not alone in wondering how to manage an Anxious or Preoccupied attachment style.  This attachment style is usually characterized by a need to be validated, supported, and approved by their partner.  The partner's responsiveness to this process is important because without their responsiveness, you may not feel validated and constantly worry about the status of your relationship.  The lack of response or lack of a timely response may leave you feeling anxious and worried that your partner is not invested in the relationship in the same way as you are and/or that they do not love you as much as you love them.  This can cycle into a fear of abandonment and then can lead to being clingy, demanding, nit-picking of your partner's actions or behaviors, a lack of security, and even feeling desperate.  These "negative" behaviors are reinforced when your partner provides attention, responsiveness, and care in a way that you desire.  This is why the anxious attachment style is also referred to as a preoccupied attachment style.  This process can leave you feeling and acting like you are preoccupied with the relationship as you seek the treatment for the anxiety you feel by gauging and evaluating how your partner responds to you.

You mentioned your love language includes being an affectionate person and I believe you are referring to the Five Love Languages and yours being the Love Language of Physical Touch.  You mentioned that your partner understands your love language, but you made reference to this when talking about your partner not responding to messages and/or FaceTime.  His response in this way would not be a direct contradiction to the Love Language of Physical Touch, but could be if your Love Language was Quality Time or Words of Affirmation.  If you have not recently taken the Five Love Languages Quiz, you might consider retaking this as your Love Language can change as you grow and mature.  I would encourage you to have your partner also take the quiz.  The point of understanding each other's love language is to understand how your partner needs to be loved and for your partner to understand how you need to be loved.  We will naturally give our partners love based on our primary or secondary love language instead of loving them based on their love language.  Do some work together on this and try to understand how you each need and desire to be loved.  This will help both of you to feel more secure in the relationship.  

To address how to deal with your anxious attachment style, it's important for you to understand that this particular attachment style often is a result of low self-esteem.  This attachment style often begins in childhood when the person's parents will be supportive and attentive at times and then other times may not know how to connect with what the child wants or needs.  This misalignment or misattunement for the child will result in the child being confused about their relationships with their parents and can lead to a lack of trust in their parents.  This confusion can lead to high emotions, struggles with emotion regulation, attention-seeking behaviors, a push and pull of affection towards parents, and anxiety.  The child will learn to internalize their behavior and constantly worry about what they did wrong, could they do anything differently, will they lose the attention of their loved ones and so on.  They begin to believe that their wants, needs, and feelings are only important when it is convenient for their parent.

When you get into a relationship as an adult, you tend to find yourself in a relationship that mirrors or mimics your childhood family dynamics.  You probably feel like there are conditions set in the relationship in order to get the love and attention you need and it continues to be very confusing for you.  Because you are an anxious attacher, you are probably very aware of what your partner needs and how to make him happy.  The key point to remember is that if he is not an anxious attacher, he may not be so aware of what you need.  Your constant seeking of reassurance can certainly lead to a negative response from your partner.  You need to work on your self-esteem and challenge the negative thoughts that might tell you that you are not good enough or that your partner won't or doesn't love you.  Learn to change that negative or irrational thought into a positive and/or rational thought.  I would encourage you to sit down and talk to your partner about this attachment style and your deep-rooted fears of abandonment and your insecurities.  Talk about triggers to insecurity and also what actions he can do to help you feel safe and secure.  Learn to use "I" statements to avoid a reaction of defensiveness.  "I feel insecure when you don't respond to my messages."  Talk about expectations and how each of you can realistically meet each others expectations. 

Next, have him take an attachment style quiz. Ideally, you want a partner to have a Secure attachment style.  This type of person can help you feel more secure and can help you to regulate your emotions.  Any type of emotional outburst in anger or hurt can potentially lead your partner to react negatively toward you.  Take time to think about how you are actually feeling and identify that emotion to your partner in an appropriate and effective way.  "I know you don't understand why I am upset, but I feel (anxious, sad, insecure, hurt...) when you don't FaceTime me or answer my messages."  It is better to over-communicate than to over-react.  

Lastly, get involved in therapy to work on yourself, deal with anything that comes up from childhood, and teach you skills to communicate in a way that fosters healthy bonds and relationships with others.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey of self-discovery and positive change!