Ask a therapist > Anxiety > What is the best way to cope with anxious attachment?

What is the best way to cope with anxious attachment?

I have always lived far away from the people I love most. My parents, my friends and my boyfriend. But I did not feel any physical consequences of this until very recently. I moved to a different country recently (farther from my family and friends but closer to my boyfriend even though we are still in different cities). I cannot seem to stop focusing on the "negative" possibilities that could take take them away. The overthinking gets worse the longer I am physically away from them. No matter how much they reassure me I seem to always fall back into those methods of thinking and spiral as a result. I find it difficult to fall asleep at night and I have night anxiousness where I suddenly find myself crying for no reason. I think my mood swings have also become extremely bad and I can be happy one second and really sad the next because I think about this. I keep fighting with the people I love most for "no reason" but I need/want to be better for them so I do not hurt my relationships with them because that is the last thing I want. It is exhausting living in fear of losing them. I have a feeling this has to do with my abandonment issues which could potentially be rooted from the fact that I am adopted (I was a baby when I was adopted though). It might also be important to mention that I have never considered nor would I ever consider anyone except my adopted parents, to be my parents. I am not interested in finding out more about my birth parents.

Asked by anonymous_1

Anxiety

Answered

10/27/2022

Hello, it is normal to feel that separation anxiety - especially being in a different country than your family and with a history of being adopted.

I think for you, the best option is to work on emotional regulation. Anxiety causes you to over think or have an "all or nothing mentality." A suggestion would be to journal down your negative fears/ or worst outcomes. Ask yourself if you have any proof of this fear happening. If not, then it's time to let that fear go and move on.

When you start to feel these emotions, please try to utilize positive interventions to help you process these feelings. If you can find something productive to do when you feel these emotions it will help you to manage them better in the long term. Possibly checking in with family/friends on a regular schedule until you can control those feelings. It may be good to journal every night, listen to some white noises or soft music in the background to drown out those negative thoughts. Try to write down when you have these mood swings so you can find a balance and healthier ways to manage those emotions. Taking a walk, exercise, reading, journaling, listening to podcast, listening to music, finding a support system that lives in the same city as you, picking up a new hobby. These things will help you feel more comfortable in your new surroundings and eventually you will adjust.

If you find yourself taking out your frustration on your peers then apologize and really try to figure out where that feeling is coming from as far as the frustration or agitation. Once you can recognize why you have these feelings and if they have no merit, then you can let those feelings go. Right now the anxiety and separation is controlling your life and its important to take small steps like change in routine to gain back control of that anxiety. Some interventions you can try are reframing your thoughts to positive situations / positive memories, journaling when you have mood swings, setting a regular schedule to talk with your boyfriend/ family. The fear that you will lose someone or something bad will happen is just that an irrational fear with no valid proof. It's important to tell yourself that when you have these episodes.

Kassandra Freeman

LCSW