how do I get rid of feeling defective?

I was emotionally neglected in childhood. I learned the conditions for love. Having friends is the most important but the thing to me but I feel most blocked at it as well. I know a couple of triggering emotions that make me cry. I'm lonely, and afraid I will not find friends.
Asked by Kerry

How do I get rid of feeling defective?

Hello, Thank you for reaching out. Often times when we never talk about childhood trauma or situations that are hard on us, we carry around so many stressors and past issues we begin to feel like we are somehow defective. We have to be able to change the way that we receive the information that is being presented to us. If you're feeling defective being able to pinpoint exactly where those reactions come from, identify how they make you feel and then begin to change how you think about it. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy we learn how we perceived the (event/trigger), then there are normally feelings that are attached to that and after a while of think about the feelings we then react to a situation. That reaction can be positive or negative but often times it leads people to withdraw from others, self sabotage, act out of anger, etc. Once we break that cycle of how we respond to things then we can begin to shift our focus and thought process to more positive ones. 

When you grow up In an environment where love is on conditions, you may always be in flight or fight mode which can lead to becoming hypervigilant about many things in one's life. Being able to handle emotions and stay in a neutral state of being is going to be key to the progress that is being made in this scenario. You also have the right to place boundaries around how others are making you feel and if they are not bringing anything positive in your life then you can make the choice to choose your peace. When we have to learn ways to get love then it is not unconditional love and to have had to experience this must be very difficult to have dealt with. 

Expecting to disappoint others can be combated by redefining what those expectations are and if healthy boundaries need to be in place. Can make us feel like we are lonely and afraid, and not being able to find friends are valid concerns to have. 

Being able to unpack these things in therapy is a way that you can work on beginning to overcome and heal from some of the things that have impacted you. You can always begin to journal your thoughts. You can freelance journal or rely on prompts to help you get started. 

Hope this helps!