How do I overcome the feeling of paranoia, and feel self love again?

Hi Brittany,

I wanted to address that part of your question does lead me to wonder if you have some symptoms of depression since you described isolating and also not eating.  It would be hard for anyone to connect to others, feel positive about themselves, or feel motivated and/or safe to be around others if they were in the midst of a depressive episode.  I'd want to rule that out or have it treated and stabilized before addressing these deeper issues about self-love, insecurity, and trauma.

Given what you stated, I am hearing you state that you feel ungrounded in you identity, unsure of yourself, and also that you've had trauma and inconsistencies in nurturing and with parents to the degree that you haven't been able to build and maintain a healthy and positive self-image and self-concept.

You hear a lot in media and from people in general how important it is to "love yourself" and if you can't do this it's hard to love or connect with anyone else.  When I had problems of my own with depression and when I work with others that struggle with depression, trauma and self-esteem issues, I tell them that they are not alone and people that feel the way you do are quite common but don't go around advertising or putting themselves out there like highly confident people because it would go against your nature to do so.  Hence, don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.  I hope this will at least help you feel less alone and alienated in your struggles.

That being said, it's hard/near impossible to go from not trusting self and other and not being confident to suddenly loving yourself and feeling empowered in relationships overnight or even in a short period of time.  It takes work - and therapy could and would help.  Efforts at self-care need to be examined and changed.  It goes against your nature to be your own best friend and biggest cheerleader, but that's the direction you need to head in.  I'd want to examine the way you talk to yourself and the messages you send yourself.  I'm guessing that your self talk is pretty negative and punitive.  It takes work, and therapy can help you to reframe your thinking and self-talk into a way that is more positive and encouraging as opposed to self-critical and self-debasing.  When you feel better about yourself, you will be FAR less likely to worry what other's think of you, as you will be feeling good about yourself already.  Right now, you are probably wondering if other people see the flaws you see in yourself (which by the way, they never do to the degree you think as they are focused on themselves and others things by nature).  It may help to remind yourself that you have no evidence of what other people think and thus, it's equally likely they are thinking positive things about you as it is anything critical, and more likely they really aren't making serious judgements either way.

I would combine this work on your thinking patterns with behavioral challenges to stay active and involved in various activities and social groups.  If you continue to isolate, it's more likely that you will grow more and more fearful and wary of others and I wouldn't want you to head even further in that direction.  So while it may be uncomfortable, you need to stay active in some community, group, or regular social interaction.  Not all of us are social butterflies and not everyone needs to be in a relationship or marriage to be happy, but people generally are happier and more well adjusted when they have appropriate supports, friendships, and feel connected to their community.  So maybe find a group, place or activity to become involved in and stick to it regularly.  While doing that, take care of your body, mind, and spirit.  If you don't treat all 3 of these well, you are not going to grow.  None of this needs to happen overnight.  It's a process but you can do it!!  Therapy can help but you can also do a substantial amount of this work on your own or while reading about various self-help methods.