Why happiness is not a choice?

Content/Trigger Warning: Please be advised that the article below might mention trauma-related topics that include assault, which could be triggering.

It’s easy to fall into the mindset that you can choose your mental state at any given moment, especially as the alternative (having no control) is unappealing and emotionally complex.  While it’s true that we can certainly work on choosing what we focus on in our worlds and put effort into bringing ourselves out of difficult emotions, simply choosing to be happy is much more complicated than we think.

To break down this question, it’s important to understand what it means to be happy.  Seeing a puppy can make us feel happy, getting an acceptance letter to the college we applied to can bring happiness, and having a good first date can produce happiness; however, most situational elements only bring happiness short-term and depend on the person.  For example, someone who just lost a loved one may not experience happiness when holding a puppy, and someone with a background of sexual assault may instead feel fear about meeting a stranger on a first date. It is also important to note that happiness can be felt short-term even if someone does not feel happy overall (which is common with depression, anxiety, and other mental health symptoms).  Happiness is always relative to the person.

Another crucial aspect to factor in is brain functioning.  Just as being anxious and depressed are not choices, trying to override fear circuits and depressive wiring is unreasonable (without research-based techniques created specifically for rewiring the brain).  This is especially true for those who’ve endured trauma, as the traumatized brain often becomes hyper-focused on negative elements of the environment as a protective mechanism.  Simply choosing to be happy is not effective in changing the functioning of the entire brain. Instead, it is most beneficial to engage in therapy or other healing techniques to reach a desired state of happiness (which can be a difficult and time-consuming process, though worth it for many). 

Also important to consider is that some may not see happiness as an option or possibility.  If you’ve only known depression or trauma (along with the emotions, sensations, and thought processes common to both), you may not have the capacity to envision what happiness feels like or looks like.  Some may even feel sheer terror at the thought of changing their inner worlds, as change often equates to uncertainty and abandonment of predictability—two vital elements required to maintain a sense of safety and internal balance. 

Even for those higher on the spectrum of wellness, it is not often that happiness is chosen.  Instead, happiness becomes a by-product of choosing to focus on gratitude, engaging in activities that support mental health, and even allowing uncomfortable emotions to be present instead of attempting to banish them.  Oftentimes, happiness is born out of weathering discomfort and doing hard things (such as assertively expressing boundaries, challenging yourself physically or emotionally, and practicing vulnerability); conversely, adopting positivity by dismissing tough emotions and ignoring the state of the brain may only work to minimize struggles and hardships—parts of life we need to accept and work through to build true, lasting happiness.

This all does not mean you can’t choose to work toward happiness.  You can work on slowly changing your inner dialogue, implementing self-compassion, pushing yourself to engage in things that serve you best, converting your attention to things that bring fulfillment or influence favorable connections in the brain, and moving through emotions that have posed as barriers to personal growth or positive emotions. 

Overall, you can discover much more power in sound pathways to happiness that fit your brain, circumstances, and unique pace.