Ask a therapist > Family > How do I heal my fear of attachment and abandonment?

How do I heal my fear of attachment and abandonment?

When I was a child visiting Mexico, I found my mother (from Mexico) saying she was planning on staying and not going back to the USA bc her family was there. I begged for her to stay because at that age, her leaving would feel like dying. I have always been close with her, but as a man in my 20s I still have issues that stop me from letting people in. I have gained the confidence of being alone, but craving more intimate relationships (romantic and friendly) is hard to maneuver with these fears of getting hurt. Vulnerability at the level of crying to someone is scary to me, as I have only been able to do this with my sister. This has caused me to leave relationships, remain distant, and inconsistent. I know this is unhealthy , but I am unsure how to safely grow through this problem.
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Asked by Dre
Family
Parenting
Intimacy
Answered
11/28/2021

A way of starting the path to healing is to honor the spectum of emotions (comfortable and uncomfrotable).  When we experience traumas and in this case learning that a parental figure would no longer be in the same home on the day-to-day basis is rightfully so- a difficult event for a child to process. The emotions that have resulted from this experience and the residual effects (that show up in your present day life) are all trailheads of information to further explore.  What did you need back then that you can give to yourself in the present? (verbally, symbolically, creatively etc). 

As you strengthen your muscle of vulnerability you can start with establishing what safety looks/feels like for you in proximity to other people. Trust is something that takes time to establish and being mindful of your needs and ability to communicate them to those you share space with is a starting point.  As you are mindful of your current attachment style, give yourself grace along the way as you unlearn patterns that are no longer working for the way you want to show up in relationships moving forward. 

I'm curious, what you mean by "safely grow"? To be vulnerable is to risk, there is the possibility that things will not turn out how we want them and even in that there is still an opportunity to be present with ourselves and how we respond to the situation. When things work in our favor (comfortable emotions), things to consider include but are not limited to: 

1. Did I honor my own boundaries? 2. Do I feel safe to share what I actually felt without holding back? 3. Is this relationship recriprocal?

When uncomfortable emotions come to visit, curioisty around the emotions that still sting are trailheads of areas in your life that need further attention.  In the opportunities available to further explore and get to know yourself intimately, you can build on the information that you gradually uncover and move from a place of authencitity at the pace that works for you in the place you are currently in.  Addressing abandonment wounds take time, be gentle with yourself as you gradually address something that has been challenging. 

(LCSW)