I have an older brother that has been hurting my feelings. What should i do?

Family systems can be complex and it's often difficult to find the right balance of boundaries and  support.  Oftentimes we feel unheard which can lead to anxiety and stress symptoms, or an inability to enjoy life on your terms.  As a young adult it is also difficult to identify what is important to you as your values and beliefs systems may begin to change and differ from your parents and family members. Once you become an adult, it is your responsibility to identify appropriate boundaries for yourself as well as consideration for those around you.

 

It sounds like your family would benefit from discussing boundaries and expectations together. There are 7 different types of boundaries. An emotional boundary Is violated when you feel emotional distress because someone or something has left you feeling treated unfairly.  

 

It sounds like your brother has treated you unfairly and when you sought support you felt like your parents expressed dismissive and neglectful behaviors towards your feelings. If you're considering setting an emotional boundary, a healthy one would include verbalized and understood limitations on what is shared, and how it is shared. 

 

If your brother is being mean to you or he criticizes, hurts your feelings or belittles you in any way, that is violating an emotional boundary but only if you previously established one and he understands the emotional distress that is a result of his actions clearly.

 

If we are only responsible for our own feelings, your parents will not know how you interpreted their response either unless you openly communicate, in an effective and assertive manner without aggression, how it made you feel.  We can only be responsible for our own emotions and behaviors ; however, If we learn and set appropriate boundaries for ourselves and discuss them openly with the people we care about then cooperation can occur. 

 

If someone is complaining to someone else about a third person's behavior, we call this a triangulation and it can often lead to more distress and agrimony.  To set a boundary,  it is best to speak with the person directly and individually as each person will have a slightly different boundary in your life.

 

A very easy way to use assertive communication when setting a boundary is by using  “I statements”. These “I statements”  put the accountability back on the person speaking and de-escalate intense situations fairly quickly, according to research. This would simply look like saying; “ I feel or I think…”  before any statement,  including what your expectation would be for setting any boundary. 

 

An example could look like;

 “ I feel it would be an appropriate emotional boundary for you to speak to me in a tone that demonstrates respectful behaviors because when you don’t I feel hurt unnecessarily. Having established this boundary I will not tolerate being disrespected going forward and will remove myself from the situation/conversation if it continues. ‘

 

Remember to plan what you're going to say, express yourself in a calm and slow speaking manner and pause or count to two (2)  before responding to retain composure; in this way you demonstrate and give respect in the same manner that you expect to receive it. Remember in order to build trust, we have to practice trusting behaviors, and that often starts with open communication directly at the source.